Monthly Archives: January 2011

Why Are We Who We Are? A Personal Reflection

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Nature or nurture?

Usually we use such words when we talk about children. Is it their environment that makes them the way they are or is it their biological makeup?

Most of us would say both.

I wrote a post recently titled the Christianity Perfectionism Connection.

Lynn commented:

I can see how fundie religion helps screw us up. I think we have inborn or learned tendencies, and the fundie message we constantly hear helps us to go down a bad psychological road. So if we tend toward perfectionism, we can try to be perfect FOR GOD. Along with that, we get to feel constant guilt and fear and frustration and worry because we cannot achieve perfection. Plus we try to remake others’ personalities more like our own, so we screw them up too with trying to achieve perfection. Or we/they think we’re on a higher spiritual plain because some things come so much easier to us than to them. We call our natural traits blessings from the Holy Spirit. Like I heard Joel Osteen call his wealth a blessing from God, when his wealth came to him because he does stuff that results in making a lot of money.

In a later comment she added:

I think fundie churches cause this type of spiritual response in susceptible people. You have the nasty, negative fundie message coming into a brain or personality that is ripe for new material to torture themselves with.

You said you were the opposite of Bruce. So if you grew up in a rigid church, your natural defenses of your easy-going personality would fend off the fundie virus. You weren’t a good prospect for it to develop in.

Ya’ll might enjoy reading a post on nakedpastor that he put up recently. It’s called pick your Jesus. It’s a little chart that’s very helpful in seeing how our personalities affect how we interpret who Jesus was.

And yes, I think nasty, authoritarian people are drawn to fundamentalism. Not that all fundies are like that. Some are wonderful people who just have been indoctrinated in that mess from birth.

Becky added:

…It does seem to me that most people in the more fundamentalist churches are all into the law, and are definitely more rigid, and perfectionist in their thinking. But, what came first? Did these churches cause this type of spiritual response in people, or are people with these type of personality traits naturally drawn to fundamentalist faiths?…

Teresa said:

There’s actually been studies that sort of point out that some people are ” hard-wired” to have what is considered to be a more conservative, authoritarian viewpoint. I think these people are more driven to any particular religion that presents matters in a totally black and white perspective. I also think people who lean towards authoritarian points of view might also, for whatever reason, feel the personal need for very rigid rules and structure. I also think they just make better “joiners”…liberals are kind of like cats and just harder to herd.

These comments got me  thinking about my life, especially the part of my life that was spent in the Christian Church and the ministry. How much of what I became (and have become) was due to my nature and how much was the result of the environment I grew up in and lived in?

This is not an easy question to answer. It is far too easy to just  say we are what we are because we are hardwired and genetically disposed to become what we have become. There is a truth here but it is not the end all.

But at the same time it is far too easy to say we are what we are due to our environment and the choices we make.  Once again, there is a truth here but it is not absolute.

Human beings are not simple creatures. Some people, particularly fundamentalists, seek out simple answers to life’s questions but that does not mean they are simple people in and of themselves. (or simpletons, idiots, ignoramuses)

We are rapidly losing our ability to interact with the complexities that we are confronted with when engaging each other in matters of importance. The modern technological age has turned life into sound bites or 140 character tweets. We succumb to thinking that we can judge the motives, beliefs, and ideology of a person through what they write in a few words on Facebook or a blog.

Psychologists will surely tell us that human beings are anything BUT simple.  We are capable of being people of learned reason one moment and irrational mental blindness the next. It can be said of every one of us that we have moments of brilliance but we also have moments of utter stupidity.  It is easy to spot the stupidity of others but almost impossible to spot our own.

I have battled depression most of my adult life. Am I just hardwired to be depressed? I am inclined to think so but I also know I grew up a home where my mom lived her entire life between bookends of depression and suicide. (a post is in the making on this) My mother was a glass half-empty kind of person. At the age of 54 my mother succumbed to her demons and killed herself.

A year ago I was in great distress because I thought I was becoming like my mother. It took a lot of counseling to get beyond the point of thinking I was just like my Mom, doomed for a .357 heart stopper. Yes, I  struggle with depression BUT  my life is far different from my mother’s. My attitude about family, life, and the future are far different than my mother’s.

I look at my Mom’s life and it is not hard to see how her upbringing and experiences helped make her into what she was. Certainly she had a natural disposition towards depression but add to that natural disposition being raped as a child, being raped as an adult, becoming pregnant outside of marriage at age 18 (yours truly the result), 4 marriages, drug addiction and constantly being uprooted and moved to another place, it is no wonder WHY she had the troubles she did.

My upbringing helped to shape me into what I became. From the age of 5 all I ever wanted to be was a preacher. I never had the struggle many men have about what they want to be when they grow up.  My heart was set on being a preacher and from the age of 14 to the age of 50 that is exactly what I was.

I looked up to the pastors of our Church.  They taught me how a preacher is supposed to live his life. Every pastor I ever had was an ambitious, judgmental, controlling person. The College I went to was populated with teachers that were former and current pastors and they reinforced what the pastors of my youth taught me.  The pastor of the Church I attended while in College was a control-freak. He was the boss of all bosses. He was the potentate of the Church. He was a Moses on Mt Sinai. As a 19 yr. old boy I revered this man. He was everything I wanted to be.

I pastored my first Church when I was 22 years old. I was arrogant, controlling and full of myself and the Holy Ghost..   I was taught leaders are meant to lead. A good pastor was an in-charge pastor. A good pastor was a decision-maker. A good pastor would not  let anyone deter him from doing whatever God led him to do. (and God talked to me personally through the Holy Spirit and the Bible)

Every pastor I knew was just like me.  After all, birds of a feather flock together. Every pastor I knew was controlling and authoritarian. Pastoral authority is a big topic of discussion in fundamentalist Baptist churches.

Time and circumstance tempered me. Towards the end of my years in the ministry I came to realize how wrong I had been about the ministry and how a pastor should conduct himself. I was very sincere and honest  as a pastor, but I came to see that I actually hurt people by being a controlling, authoritarian pastor.

I met some evil people during my time as a pastor. I met pastors who preyed on the people they pastored. They manipulated and controlled people in order to gain financial, material, or sexual favor. Lynn is quite right when she said:

I think nasty, authoritarian people are drawn to fundamentalism.

Most fundamentalist churches are pastored by, and controlled by, one man. He is the man of God. He is the one person in the Church that has God’s ear and God,in return, has his.

I would add that  fundamentalism also attracts church members who are authoritarian and controlling. Fundamentalist churches are rife with conflict and it is quite common for people to leave the church over conflicts with the pastor or other power brokers in the church.  Most fundamentalist Baptist churches have experienced a split at one time or another. It is not uncommon for a group of people to leave the church and go off on their own and start another church. (always led by the Holy Spirit of course)

As I look back over my life I can readily see WHY I became the kind of pastor I was. I became what I knew. I was a product of my environment.

It would be easy for me to blow off those who suggest that some people are predisposed to fundamentalism. As I look at my life and ask myself “how could I have turned out differently?” The social, religious and cultural forces in my life molded me into the man I became.

But…

If I take a closer look at my life I also see that I had a certain disposition towards controlling, authoritarian religion. I see this most readily in  the jobs I worked outside of the Church. Almost every job I worked allowed me to be in charge, to be the decision maker.  Restaurant general manager, grant writer, insurance salesman, Christian bookstore manager, office manger, code enforcement officer,newspaper motor route.

Varied jobs, right?  Just doing what I was good at, right? Certainly true, but to be honest here I also must admit that everyone of these jobs allowed me to be the boss. I was the person in charge, the decision maker. The jobs I hated were jobs where I had to report to others, jobs where I had no control, no authority.

I want to think that I worked the jobs I did because employers saw in me great leadership skills. I was, and still am a person who is not afraid to make decisions. I am able to assess things quickly and make the appropriate decisions. Some people lead and others follow, right? Not everyone can be the General.

How much  of this is nature and how much is nurture? How much is the environment I grew up in as opposed to my genetic disposition?  I think I would be safe in saying that most of who I am is the result of my upbringing. I am truly a product of my environment.  I also recognize that I am hardwired to think and act in certain ways. I don’t think this means I MUST act in a certain way but it does mean I am bent in certain direction.  People can, and do, change but true change is painful and difficult.

The Christianity Perfectionism Connection

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I am sure you have seen the bumper sticker I am not Perfect Just Forgiven. The Christian driver of the car is warning you ahead of time that he plans to drive like a non-Christian. As he cuts you off in traffic or changes lanes without a blinker, just remember he is not perfect but he is forgiven.

I am quite certain that there are no perfect human beings. I have met some great examples of human character, but given enough time they will always show that their feet are made of clay. In the human realm perfection does not exist and it seems quite clear to me that perfection does not exist in the god realm either.

I have battled with perfectionism most of my adult life. Coupled with an obsessive compulsive personality the end result is that I have often set an impossible standard of living for myself.

I crave order and structure. I demand answers. The TV has to be perfectly centered on the entertainment center. All of the cables must be in neat order, hidden away so no one can see them. Whatever my hand touches I am driven to put in order. I am the type of person that people love to have clean their house but can’t stand to be there while I am doing it. I am the one person in America who still has the receipt from the lifetime warranted 4.00 can opener purchased 5 years ago.

My desk drawers are kept in perfect order. So are my dresser drawers. My clothes must hang the same way sorted by type of garment. When the newspaper comes I have to be the first one who reads it. Everyone else messes up the paper.

I obsess over the smallest of things. If something isn’t working right I will expend countless hours attempting to fix it. I know all about the “law of diminishing return” but I just know I can figure it out if I have enough time. This approach has served me well in many areas of my life because with all the time invested in figuring things out I have become somewhat an expert on some things. (computers for example)

I bought my first computer 20 years ago. I started with a DOS Vtech 286 and have owned countless computers since. Currently I have a home server I built, a Sony laptop, and an iPad. The iPad was a Christmas gift from my sister and I have spent a number of hours trying to learn everything I can about it.

I have broken, crashed, and screwed up more computers than I can count. (well I could count them) After all I know exactly how many jobs I’ve had and how many cars I’ve owned.

I have an eye for when things are not level. Drives me crazy when I see signs hung by professionals that are crooked. Our house is old and the floors are typical of a 130 year old house. All of my children have learned the art of using shims and a level.

In every area of my life I strive for perfection. It is a constant topic of discussion during counseling with Dr D. For all my striving I know I am not perfect. I have character flaws and shortcomings that are ever-present reminders of my imperfectness.

Where did my drive for perfection come from? I wasn’t raised in a perfection dominated home. My mother kept a clean, but cluttered home. If I wanted to play sports I could (and I did) but my parents didn’t push me to excel. The same could be said for my schooling. There never was any pressure from my parents to be an exceptional student. By the time I got to high school I had learned how to get by, a smart kid, who with little effort, could get B’s and C’s.

I am convinced that my battle with perfectionism and all its attendant problems stems from my religious upbringing.

It goes something like this: A perfect God gave us a perfect Bible and he expects us to keep his commands perfectly.

I believed the Bible to be the perfect Word of God. A direct revelation from God to mankind. The Bible says:

These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. Genesis 6:9

And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect. Genesis 17:1

Thou shalt be perfect with the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 18:13

Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day. I Kings 8:61

And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off for ever. I Chronicles 18:9

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. Job 1:1

Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace. Psalm 37:37

For the upright shall dwell in the land, and the perfect shall remain in it. Proverbs 2:21

Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. Matthew 19:21

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. Romans 12:2

Finally, brethren, farewell. Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you 2 Corinthians 13:11

That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works. 2 Timothy 3:17

Above all the Bible says:

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect Matthew 5:48

God demanded and expected perfection from me. He even gave me the Holy Spirit that would teach me EVERYTHING that pertains to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3)

This new-fangled grace and love passivity that is quite common in Christian circles these days had no place in my life. James said “faith without works is dead.” I couldn’t save myself by my works BUT I could show I was saved by the works I did.

As a pastor I expected Churches services to be orderly. I expected parishioners to give 100% of themselves to the work of God. (also known as the Church) I taught them, and tried to live by example, that God deserved 100% of our time, effort, and money. Think of what Jesus did for us, should we not give our all for him?

Such teaching led to an outward form of righteousness. We “looked” the part.

I knew I wasn’t perfect but God demanded that I be perfect and people expected me to be perfect. Over time I learned the fine art of covering my imperfection. I didn’t commit awful, evil sins but I did do things that were contrary to the perfect standard set before me. Most of the disgraced preachers that make the news learned how to live a double life. Leader of the National Association of Evangelicals by day and meth using, bisexual by night.

This dualistic way of living kept me in constant turmoil. Right with God. Messed up, not right with God. Pray for forgiveness. Right with God. Rinse and repeat.

Eating too much, watching R rated movies, going to a strip club, fighting with my wife, not claiming love offerings on my tax return, buying non-essential stuff, not give more money to the Church, not praying enough, not reading the Bible enough,etc,etc kept me in a seemingly constant state of repentance. I would repent of things knowing I would do what I was repenting of a day, week, month or year later.

Since leaving the ministry 6 years ago and leaving the Christian religion 2 years ago I have been on a path to regaining my self that was swallowed up by perfectionism. My focus and standard of conduct has changed dramatically. My list of “sins” is much smaller than it ever has been.  Bit by bit I am learning to just live life and enjoy what comes my way. I am learning to embrace my imperfection.  This doesn’t mean I no longer strive to improve in areas where I need improvement, it is just that the standard has changed.

Now if I can just learn to live with clutter and mess.

If Jesus Is

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The Answer.

The solution to the problems of life.

The way, truth , and life.

The one who makes life worth living.

Redeemer.

Deliverer.

Savior.

If Jesus is the giver of new life.

If Jesus cleanses a person from sin.

If Jesus gives his followers new desires.

If Jesus gives his followers a new song.

If Jesus fills that empty void in a person’s heart.

If Jesus gives his followers everything they need pertaining to life and godliness.

If Jesus heals.

If Jesus sets the drunk and the junkie  free.

If Jesus cleanses the sinner from all unrighteousness.

If Jesus really is who and what Christians say he is….

Why are their lives no different than mine? No different than most agnostics or atheists I know?

It seems the only difference between me and thee is what we do on Sunday.

I am as moral and ethical, if not more so, than most Christians.

I live honestly and justly.

Yet, without Jesus.

If Jesus really is who and what Christians say he is….

Why are there so many Christian books written to deal with the messy, dysfunctional lives of the followers of Jesus?

I m trying real hard to understand what benefit there is to following Jesus. (judging only from what I see)

If I can live morally and ethically without Jesus then why join a social group that demands 10% of my income to be a member in good standing?

If Jesus is what you need I say good for you.

I hope you will say the same for people like me who have no need for Jesus. (or at least no need of the American, Western, Evangelical concept of Jesus)

Jesus may be the answer to your questions but he is not the answer to mine.

The gods Have Clay Feet, A Few Thoughts About Pastors

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The Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian Church has many gods. While they will profess to worship the true and living God, the God of the Bible, their true object of worship often is human rather than divine.

Most Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian Churches have a congregational form of Church government. Some Churches have adopted an elder rule form of government. Regardless of what form of government a Church adopts, there can be no doubt about who really runs the Church. The CEO, the boss man, the head honcho is the pastor. (aka senior pastor, executive pastor, and prophet, priest and king)

The pastor is the hub upon which the wheel of the Church turns. He (there are very few she’s) is the man who runs the show. He sets the course for the Church. He is a modern day Moses leading the Church to the Promised Land. He is the visionary with a vision that the Church is expected to follow.

He is, after all, the man of God. He is divinely called by God (a call that can not be explained with human words) He is the man of God, given a message by God, to speak to the people of God.

He is a man not to be played with. He has been anointed by God. He has been set apart by God to do the most important work in the world.  His calling is higher than even the President of  the United States.

The congregation is reminded that the Bible says “touch not mine anointed.” They are also told the story about the Elisha, the mocking boys, and the bears.

And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23, 24

You have been warned! Say anything negative about the pastor and you run the risk of bears eating you. (or cancer, heart attack, accident, etc)

The pastor is the Lone Ranger’s Tonto. He is the Green Hornet’s Bruce. He is Batman’s Robin.  God and the pastor are joined at the hip.

After all, the pastor has a divine calling. A calling that can’t be explained. In fact the only way anyone knows for sure a pastor is God-called is because he says he is.

Most Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian Churches are Independent. Even those who belong to denominations like the Southern Baptist Convention are Independent. Each Church is a local, autonomous entity, accountable to no one but themselves. The Southern Baptist Convention has a HUGE sex abuse problem, yet little is done by the Convention because each Church governs itself. The convention has no power over the Church or pastor. (or so they conveniently claim)

Since most Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian Churches are Independent, there are few standards or requirements for starting a Church. Anyone can start a Church. Anyone can claim to be a pastor. Anyone, Anyone, Anyone.

In most states there are no legal requirements for starting a Church. The Federal government, by default, treats Churches as exempt from taxation. By default they receive most of the benefits of 501c3 status without actually applying for it. Starting a Church is a con artist’s dream. (just turn on  the TV for proof)

There are no educational requirements. No ordination requirements. Anyone can become a pastor. It really is that easy.

In charismatic circles some pastors have  added titles to their name. Not content to be called pastor they demand that they be called bishop or apostle. Several apostles live right here in the county I live in . Once again, a man is an apostle or bishop because he says he is. God has imparted to the man a special anointing, a special dose of Holy ghost power, that raises the man to a higher level in the Church.

Now let me try and tie all this together. I am writing under the anointing right now so it is hard to put this all together for you common folks. But  I will try.

We have Independent Churches with Independent Pastors, both without any checks or balances. A man can start a Church whenever and wherever. The Church becomes his Church.

The pastor is considered divinely called by God because he says he is divinely called by God. How dare any person question GOD!

This type of religion flourishes  in America. We are a people who applaud the entrepreneurial spirit. (starting a Church is akin to starting a business) We worship personalities, (entertainers, sports figures,preachers,playmate of the month, etc) We are a lazy people. We are content to let others think for us. (Fox News, MSNBC,etc)

So what do we have? Churches operated by entrepreneurial pastors. The Churches are often filled with people who love to worship personalities, and in this case the personality is the pastor. The people are lazy and they are quite content to let the pastor think for them. They are quite content to let the pastor run the show. They are quite content to let the man of God speak to them on God’ behalf. (much like Moses and the Israelites)

The pastor becomes god. He is given such control and power that it is almost impossible to unseat the god when the Church finds out the pastor has feet of clay. I said almost…

The news reports of pastors committing crimes, seducing church members, sexually abusing children, and stealing money  are too common to be just aberrations.  I could write for hours about pastors I know who have caused a scandal. Some are still pastors. They just moved down the road and started a new Church or they stood their ground and ran off their accusers.

In the 1980’s Jack Hyles, at that time the pastor of the largest Church in the United States, was accused of sexual improprieties with a married lady in his Church. The evidence against him was overwhelming. Yet, he successfully withstood his accusers, and when he died he was still pastor of First Baptist Church in Hammond, Indiana. His Church lost thousands of members but he remained god until he went the way of all human gods.

Jack Hyles son, David was also accused of sexual improprieties. He left the Church and moved on to another Church in Texas. (a Church his father previously pastored) Not one word of his past peccadilloes was shared with the new Church.

David Hyles continued his sexual conquests. He had sex with women in the Church and was only exposed after compromising photos were found by someone in the Church.

Aberration? Hardly.In many Churches pastors have incredible power. They become gods. The pastor does the preaching, does the counseling, and is the chairman of  the board. Everything goes through him. In some churches the pastor even checks the tithing records to see who is giving and how much they are giving.

One pastor was told by the Church treasurer that the many of the Christian school teachers were not tithing. The next Sunday he berated the teachers and told them that he was going to have their tithe taken out as a payroll deduction if they didn’t start tithing. Never mind the fact the Church paid the teachers poverty wages, and if they tithed they would be BELOW the poverty line.

One pastor decided one Sunday to preach against the evils of attending the Prom. When it came time to preach he instructed the ushers to lock the doors so no one could leave. Everyone was going to hear what he had to say. This same pastor had the deacons secretly follow Church members to see what they were up to. Young couples considering having children were encouraged (required?) to counsel with the pastor first before engaging in procreation.

One pastor had a portrait of he and his wife hung over the water fountain in the Church foyer. He joked “that way every time someone  gets a drink they have to bow to me.”

Children who grow up in Fundamentalist/Evangelical Churches are conditioned to accept that the pastor is the final authority.. Even in matters of faith, the Bible is not the final authority. the pastor’s interpretation of the Bible is the final authority.

The Church believes whatever the pastor says the Church believes. If he started the Church he likely wrote the Church’s doctrinal statement. (if they have one) He determines what is truth and what is error. Remember he is God called. God speaks through him.

It is no surprise that men aspire to be pastors. It is the perfect job. No one to answer to but God. Conscientious, faithful men do a wonderful work and serve the Church well. However, far too many men are corrupted by the power they are given. Some men have ulterior motives and the pastorate becomes a safe place to hide. I know of men who had irregularities in their past and the pastorate allowed them to keep from being held accountable for their past deeds.

One pastor had no social security number. He had not filed an income tax return in years. The Church paid him in cash.

When the IRS changed reporting requirements (requiring Evangelists and special speakers to be given 1099’s if paid over a certain amount) some Churches began giving evangelists and special speakers (pastors) cash offerings. Many  a pastor has received a brown-bag offering. (the offerings dumped into a brown bag)

Pastors have incredible (and quite legal ) ways to avoid income tax.Some incorporate as a ministry. The ministry has a “board” that is made up of the pastor’s family.  By  incorporating they avail themselves to the tax benefits that corporations receive. Pastors buy cars, trucks, travel trailers, and houses and put them in the Church’s name. They receive a tax free housing allowance. Many pastors have little taxable income though they live quite comfortably, It is a great gig if you can get it.

One day the evitable happens.The pastor, the god, falls from his exalted throne. Over time people become disillusioned with the pastor. They  take issue with his preaching, his vision,his wife, his children, his theology, his suit, his hairstyle, his entertainments, etc. People tire of pastors just like they do the other gods they worship.

Perhaps he commits a grievous sin. He has an affair. He steals money from the Church.  He embraces some teaching that the power brokers in the Church consider heresy. (heresy being anything they disagree with)

In a moment, the Church remembers that IT has power. They remember they can take down their god and vote him out of the Church.

And so they do…

The god may fight to keep his power, to keep his throne, but most often he negotiates a settlement package, the conditions of surrender,  and moves on to another Church.

They promise never to let the pastor have the power that he had.

But then a new god comes to the Church. A new vision, a new inside track with God.He is a wonderful preacher. His wife and kids are adorable. He is given the reigns of the Church and once again the pastor is restored to his throne.

And so it goes…

In no way do I wish to disparage good men who conscientiously serve their Churches. Men who sacrifice and work selflessly day in day out. But they, most of all,should know that what I write is true. The American Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian Church is overrun with power hungry, ambitious  men who have an eye on their own kingdom rather than God’s. They are the god of the Church. Sadly it seems, in many cases, this is exactly what the Church wants.

While I no longer believe in the Christian God I spent a lot of years in the Church. I know whereof I speak.  I know what I have seen and what I have done myself in the name for God. I know too much, I have seen too much, for it to be anecdotal or coincidental.

I am not sure I have any answers. We can’t look to the structured denominational Churches.  They too have their power hungry gods. They too have their scandals. (as is clear for all to see with the scandal ridden Catholic Church)

It is hard not to at least question whether or not the Christian Church is hopelessly corrupt. Regardless of the good men and women who serve selflessly, the Church is irreparably broken.

Some people, realizing this, start new movements, House Churches, etc, But over time they most often become just like that what they opposed and despised. They organize, and men gain power, and over time there are new gods to worship.

Perhaps the best we can hope for is individuals who take the ethical and moral teachings of Christ seriously and live accordingly. They steer clear of organized religion. They seek no place of power or authority. They seek only to love God and love their neighbor.

I am convinced that  Jesus, real or not, has been lost in the mire of the modern Christian Church. I have little confidence that he can be found. He has been swallowed by a Leviathan called Christianity, and if Jesus appeared today he would most likely be nailed to the cross by Christians.

The Story of Fish Lips

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The year is 1972.

I am a ninth grader at Central Jr High in Findlay , Ohio.

I am a typical boy.

The need to prove I am one of the guys is important to me.

I want to fit in.

I want to be part of the club.

The retards have a classroom in our building.

You know who they are.

The freaks.

The morons,

The half-wits.

A wonderful opportunity  to prove that I belong.

Fish Lips.

That’s what we called him.

He had  big lips liked Mr Limpet.

Every day he wore a tin sheriff’s badge and carried a toy gun.

No post 9-11 worries in 1972.

Why does the retard’s parents send him to school like that?

Don’t they know boys like me lurk in the hallways looking for opportunities to mock and harass their son?

And so I did.

I mocked  him and made life miserable for Fish Lips.

So did other boys, but I am the boy I remember.

I was part of the group now.

I hope Fish Lips didn’t mind being the price of admission.

It is 1989.

I am 32 years old now.

I have three children.

I am the pastor of a thriving Baptist Church.

My wife is pregnant with our fourth child.

Our redheaded daughter was born on September 1st.

Our first girl.

We are so excited to finally have a girl.

It was not long until we realized something wasn’t quite right with our daughter.

The doctor sent us to University Hospital in Columbus.

A genetic test…

We didn’t need the results.

We already knew…

Our daughter had Down Syndrome.

Her features were mild and the doctor missed all the signs.

We found out she had Down’s the day our second daughter was born..

Almost two years to day our first daughter was born.

I had a mentally handicapped child.

All of a sudden I had flashback to 1972.

Visions of a hateful boy persecuting the mentally handicapped all because he wanted to belong.

I thought of what I would do to that boy if he did what he did then to my daughter now.

I wept.

I couldn’t undo what I did.

But I could make sure I am never that boy again.

The least of these deserve my protection and care.

They deserve to be who they are without  worrying about a  boy with something to prove.

I am glad that boy died in 1989.

Freethinkers: A source guide to atheists, humanists and nontheists

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ReligionLink has posted a comprehensive list of resources for journalists writing about issues concerning atheism, humanism and other nontheists groups. If you are interested in investigating the nuts and bolts of the various nontheist viewpoints the list complied by ReligionLink is an excellent resource tool. Yours truly appears under Former ministers/seminarians.

I would encourage you to check out the ReligionLink site. Lots of great resource materials.

My Testimony

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Those of us who grew up in a Baptist church are quite familiar with Sunday Evening Testimony Time. Church members were given the opportunity to give a testimony about what God was doing in their lives. Many great and wonderful stories of faith were told during Sunday Evening Testimony Time. Sometimes a new convert would be given the opportunity to tell their salvation story. While the details varied from person to person the basic storyline remained the same. The person was a lost, wretched,vile sinner before they trusted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Many new converts told wild stories about their life before Christ. Now that they were a Christian their lives were transformed and Jesus had made everything new. I have often wondered how much different the testimonies would have been if the new convert had been required to wait two years before giving their testimony. I suspect the story would have been very different. (if the new convert was still going to Church)

This post is My Testimony. I want to share, as briefly as I can, where I’ve been, what I’ve experienced, and what has brought me to where I am today. This is the testimony I would give if agnostics were allowed to give a testimony at the local Baptist Church.

I spent the first 50 years of my life in a Christian church. I attended the Episcopal Church and the Lutheran Church as a child. When my family moved to California in the early 1960s we began to attend a Baptist church. It was at this Baptist Church that I made my first profession of faith. I made several more professions of faith during my elementary school years. I was baptized by immersion several times. Most children raised up in the Baptist Church have multiple professions of faith(or rededications). My last profession of faith came when I was in high school. I attended a revival meeting at our Church. I felt convicted of my sins, so I walked the aisle during the invitation and knelt at the altar.While kneeling at the altar I prayed the sinner’s prayer and at that moment Jesus came into my life. I was baptized and several weeks later I told the church that I believed God was calling me to be a preacher.

A few weeks after being called to be a preacher I preached my first sermon. I was 15. I would preach my last sermon at age 48. All told I was a preacher for 33 years. I pastored churches for 25 of those 33 years.

From 1976 to 1979 I attended a fundamentalist Baptist College. I met my wife while in college and we were married in 1978. We had a singular purpose in mind. Our desire was to serve God in the ministry wherever he led us to be.(wherever eventually meant Ohio, Michigan, Texas, and Arizona) We were willing to burn ourselves out for God. We determined to make God the number one priority in our lives, even before family and friends.

I entered the ministry as a fundamentalist independent Baptist. I believed the King James Bible was the inerrant, inspired, infallible, perfect Word of God. I believed my calling in life was to win as many souls as possible and build a church up for the glory of God. I was  premillennial and dispensational. I believed the rapture could come at any moment and that it was important to be busy serving Jesus when the rapture took place.

I left the ministry as a tired, worn out,abused preacher. When I left the ministry I was still a believer. I thought that the problem was the churches I pastored or perhaps me personally. If I just found the right church to attend the ship could be righted and all would be well. For four years, and five states, I looked for that one church that took Christianity seriously and practiced teachings of Jesus. After visiting over 125 churches, attending some of them for months, especially those in the community I lived in at the time, I came to the conclusion that no matter what the name was on the door every church was the same.

My crisis of faith did not begin as a theological struggle. It began as I looked at the Christian Church as a whole and came to the conclusion that, for the most part, the Christian church was a meaningless social club. While I certainly realized there were probably some exceptions out there somewhere I didn’t find any.

19 months ago I attended my last church service. I finally came to the place where I could no longer embraced the meaninglessness and the indifference of the Christian Church. I did not want to waste one more moment of my time doing something that didn’t matter. If I chose to,and if I could get everything I ever wrote erased off the internet, :) I could pastor again tomorrow. When I last thought about pastoring (2005) I was contacted by several dozen Southern Baptist churches interested in me coming to be their pastor.

During the time from my last pastorate in 2003 until today I have invested great time and effort in reinvestigating the Bible and the claims of the Christian Church. I’ve come to the conclusion that the Bible, as great of a book as it is, is not the inerrant, inspired word of God. At best, the Bible is a spiritual guide and a book of mythical stories written by men thousands of years ago. It is not a book that is overly relevant to the world that we live in today. The stories make for great reading but they offer little real practical wisdom for moderns in a 21st-century. I still enjoy reading the Sermon on the Mount, Ecclesiastes, and the Psalms. There is wisdom to be had from the Bible but it is certainly not a book that one can govern their life by.

I came to see that the Christian church’s attempt to prop up the Bible was a house of illusions. Instead of confronting the fallibility of the text and the many errors within that text, the Christian church instead developed convoluted and humorous explanations for the perceived errors and contradictions in the Bible. Explanations like….. inerrant in the originals.

Robert Price said that once a person stops believing that the Bible is the Word of God they are on a slippery slope where there is no natural stopping place. That’s where I find myself. For a time I was content to call myself a progressive, liberal Christian. As I continued to slide down the slippery slope I thought that maybe Universalism was the answer. And quite frankly, if I was going to have any religion at all it would be Universalism. But, at the end of the day, Universalism did not satisfy me and I came to a place where it was time to stop calling myself a Christian.

I believe the word Christian means something. In fact I believe it means something more than a lot of Christians I know. To be a Christian means you believe the Bible to be the word of God. To be a Christian means you embrace the beliefs and teachings of the Christian faith. Since I do not believe the Bible to be the Word of God, and I no longer embrace the beliefs and teachings of the Christian faith,I am no longer a Christian.

My deconversion came at the moment where I finally admitted to myself that I no longer believed the Bible to be the word of God. As I have often said, It really is all about the Bible. I am thoroughly convinced that what Christians say about the Bible simply is not the truth. I bear them no ill will. I firmly believe that every person has a right to believe what they want. As long as that person does not try to force their religion upon me or attempt to control the government or society with their religion I subscribe to the live and let live theory. Unfortunately we live in a day where many Christians feel called by their God to turn America into a theocracy and to establish the Bible as the law. For this reason I continue to fight Christians who have such an agenda.

These days I call myself an agnostic. I do not know if a god exists or not. I have room in my worldview for a God but I am quite certain that the Western, Christian, evangelical God, the God of the Bible is no God at all. Some people like to label me an atheist. I am not. Perhaps there is a God who created everything. Perhaps there is a God who put everything into motion. But even if this is true, God is nowhere to be found in the day-to-day lives of the human race. It’s as if God created everything and then said “there you go boys and girls have at it.”

I am comfortable with what I believe about the Bible and God. I believe I have investigated the matter sufficiently, and based on the information available to me,agnosticism is the label that best describes me. I don’t believe that reading another Christian book or listening to another Christian apologist will change my mind. As Solomon said in the book of Ecclesiastes, there is nothing new under the sun. I seriously doubt any new argument can be made to me that would make me ever want to embrace the Christian faith again.

I know a lot of you will find this disappointing. Some people think this is a phase I’m going through. Perhaps I have PTSD from all my years as a fundamentalist Baptist pastor. Others suggest I have mentally lost it. I have nothing to say to people who think like this. It seems they simply cannot accept that someone can walk away from Jesus. That someone can reject Christianity. That someone can weigh Christianity in the balances and find it wanting.

I have very few Christian friends these days. I don’t blame those who run or walk away from me. They find my testimony disheartening and threatening. They simply cannot bear to think of pastor Bruce Gerencser as an unbeliever. They can’t bear to think of me as a Bible denying, Christ denying agnostic. For those few Christians remain my friends I appreciate their friendship. We have learned to tolerate one another. :)

This is my testimony. This is my life and how I have lived it so far. While I know where I’ve been, and where I am today, I have no idea where I will be in the future. I continue to read and study. I continue to ask questions and seek answers. And I also remind myself that the day when the truth or lie of all this will be made known is inching ever so closer. When I draw my last breath one of three things will happen. Either God will take me to his heaven, send me to his hell or I will simply exist no more except in the hearts of those I have loved. I am content to let the ship go where it may.

Lying

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Thou shalt NOT lie.

That’s the gold standard in Christianity.

Always tell the truth.

Be ye perfect even as your father in heaven is perfect.

God never lied and neither should you.

Here’s the problem…everyone lies.

EVERYONE.

Yes you, and you are lying if you think you don’t.

One man I pastored years ago believed in telling the absolute truth in every circumstance. As a result he had a lot of problems in his relationships with other people.

One Sunday a woman asked  him what he thought of her new hat. He told her it looked terrible and that it was an awful hat.He couldn’t figure why the woman was upset with him. After all, he just told the truth. Aren’t Christians supposed to tell the truth?

He worked for a local pizza company.  The company advertised “our dough is made fresh daily.” If the dough was made late in the day they would keep the dough over night and use it the next day.

He quit his job because  “dough is made fresh daily” was a lie. He wasn’t going to work for a company that lied.

He refused to sing certain songs in Church because he disagreed with the theology in the song.  It would be a lie to sing a song you did not believe was teaching the truth.

Needless to say this man’s life was one perpetual train wreck.

Telling the truth is a good thing to do most of the time.

Generally, I tell the truth. In fact, I almost always tell the truth. (understanding that truth can be quite subjective)

But, sometimes I lie.

And I don’t even feel guilty about it.

When my wife says to me “do you think I look fat in this outfit” how should I answer her?

I know she has gained weight over the years. Six kids and 31 years of marriage will do that to you.

When my wife asks me “do you think I look fat in this outfit” what is she REALLY asking?

She is asking, “do you still love me as I am?”

The right answer is, “you look great honey.”

I have a lot of health problems.

People ask me “how are you feeling?”

99% of the time they really don’t want to know, and quite frankly I don’t want to tell them.

So I lie. “I am feeling fine.”

There is this faulty notion that if someone ask us a question that we OWE them the truth.

No we don’t.

Just because you ask doesn’t mean I am obligated to tell you the truth.

Sometimes it is just easier to tell one of the respectable lies we all tell.

We lie for many different reasons. To avoid embarrassment. To avoid conflict. To hide. To misdirect. To protect.

Most days, in most cases, I tell the truth.

Sometimes, I don’t.

Humans lie. We all do.

Christians do. Pastors do.

Does that mean you can’t trust me to tell the truth?

Of course not. Generally, and in most circumstances, I will tell you the truth . (at least to the degree I understand it)

But,  I reserve the right to lie.

And I am not going to feel guilty about it.

A Letter to Family, Friends and Former Parishioners

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This entry is part 1 of 6 in the seriesLetters

Dear______________

I have come to a place in life where I can no longer put off writing this letter. I have dreaded this day because I know what is likely to follow after certain people receive it. I have decided I can’t control how others will react to this letter, so it is far more important to clear the air and make sure everyone knows the facts about Bruce Gerencser.

I won’t bore you with a long, drawn out history of my life. I am sure each of you have an opinion about how I have lived my life and the decisions I have made. I also have an opinion about how I have lived my life and and decisions I have made. I am my own worst critic.

Religion, in particular Baptist Evangelical and Fundamentalist religion, has been the essence of my life, from my youth up. My being is so intertwined with religion that the two are quite inseparable. My life has been shaped and molded by religion and religion touches virtually ever fiber of my being.

I have spent most of my adult life pastoring Churches, preaching, and being involved in religious work to some degree or another. I have pastored thousands of people over the years, preached thousands of sermons, and participated in, and led, thousands of worship services.

To say that the Church was my life would be an understatement.  As I have come to see, the Church was actually my mistress and my adulterous affair with her was at the expense of my wife, children and my own self-worth.

Today, I am publicly  announcing that the affair is over. My wife and children have known for a long time that the affair was over but now everyone will know.

The Church robbed me of so much of my life and I have no intention of allowing her to have one more moment of my time. Life is too short. I am dying. We all are. I don’t want to waste what is left of my life chasing after things I now see to be vain and empty.

I have always been known as a reader, a student of the Bible. I have read thousands of books in my lifetime and the knowledge gained from my reading and studies have led me to some conclusions about religion, particularly the Fundamentalist, Evangelical religion that played such a prominent part in my life.

I can no longer wholeheartedly embrace the doctrines of the Evangelical, Fundamentalist faith. I do not believe in the inerrancy of Scripture nor do I accept as fact the common Evangelical belief of the inspiration of Scripture.

Coming to this conclusion has forced me to reevaluate many of the doctrines I have held as true over these many years. I have concluded that I have been misinformed, poorly taught, and sometimes lied to. I can no longer accept as true many of the doctrines  I once believed.

I point the finger of blame at no one. I sincerely believed and taught the things that I did and many of the men who taught me were honorable teachers. I don’t blame those who have influenced me over the year, nor do  I blame the authors of the many books I have read. Simply, it is what it is.

I have no time to invest in the blame game. I am where I am today for any number of reasons and I must embrace where I am and move forward.

In moving forward I have stopped attending Church. I have not attended a Church service since November of 2008. I have no interest of desire in attending any Church on a regular basis. This does not mean I will never attend a Church service again, but it does mean, for NOW, I have no intention of attending Church services.

I pastored for the last time in 2003. Almost six years have passed by. I have no intentions of ever pastoring again. When people ask me about this I tell them I am retired. With the health problems that I have it is quite easy to make an excuse for not pastoring, but the fact is I don’t want to pastor.

People continue to ask me “what do you believe?” Rather than inquiring about how my life is, the quality of that life, etc., they reduce my life to what I believe. Life becomes nothing more than a set of religious constructs. A good life becomes believing the right things.

I can tell you this…….I believe God is… and that is the sum of my confession of faith.

A precursor to my religious views changing was a seismic shift in my political views. My political views were so entangled with Fundamentalist beliefs that when my political views began to shift, my Fundamentalist beliefs began to unravel.

I can better describe my political and social views than I can my religious ones. I am a committed progressive, liberal Democrat, with the emphasis being on the progressive and liberal. My evolving views on women, abortion, homosexuality, war, socialism, social justice, and the environment have led me to the progressive, liberal viewpoint.

I know some of you are sure to ask, what does your wife think of all of this? Quite surprisingly, she is in agreement with me on many of these things. Not all of them, but close enough that I can still see her standing here. Polly is no theologian, She is not trained in theology as I am. She loves to read fiction. I was able to get her to read Bart Ehrman’s book Misquoting Jesus and she found the book to be quite an eye opener.

Polly is free to be whom and whatever she wishes. If she wanted to start attending the local Fundamentalist Baptist Church she is free to do so and even has my blessing. For now, she doesn’t.  She may never believe like I believe, but in my new way of thinking that is OK. I really don’t care what others think. Are you happy? Are you at peace? Are you living a good, productive life? Do you enjoy life? Yes, to these questions is good enough for me.

I have six children, three who are out on their own. For many years I was the spiritual patriarch of the family. Everyone looked to me for the answers. I feel somewhat burdened over my children. I feel like I have left them out on their own with no protection. But, I know they have good minds and can think and reason for themselves. Whatever they decide about God, religion, politics, or American League baseball is fine with me.

All I ask of my wife and children is that they allow me the freedom to be myself, that they allow me to journey on in peace and love. Of course, I still love a rousing discussion about religion, the Bible, politics, etc. I want my family to know that they can talk to me about these things, and anything else for that matter, any time they wish.

Opinions are welcome. Debate is good. All done? Let’s go to the Tavern and have a round on me. Life is about the journey and I want my wife and children to be a part of my journey and I want to be a part of theirs.

One of the reasons for writing this letter is to put an end to the rumors and gossip about me. Did you know Bruce is/or is not_____________? Did you know Bruce believes____________? Did you know Bruce is a universalist, agnostic, atheist, liberal ___________?

For you who have been friends or former parishioners I apologize to you if my change has unsettled you, or has caused you to question your own faith. That was never my intent.

The question is, what now?

Family and friends are not sure what to do with me.

I am still Bruce. I am still married. I am still your father, father in-law, grandfather, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin, and son-in-law.  I would expect you to love me as I am and treat me with respect.

Here is what I don’t want from you:

• Attempts to show me the error of my way. Fact is I have studied the Bible and read far more books than many of you. What do you really think you are going to show me that will be so powerful and unknown that it will cause me to return to the religion and politics of my past?

• Constant reminders that you are praying for me. Please don’t think of me as unkind, but I don’t care that you are praying for me. I find no comfort, solace or strength from your prayers. Be my friend if you can, pray if you must, but leave the prayers in the closet. As long as God gets your prayer message that will be sufficient.

• Please don’t send me books, tracts, or magazines. You are wasting your time and money.

• Invitations to attend your Church. The answer is NO. Please don’t ask. I used to attend Church for the sake of family but no longer. It is hypocritical for me to perform a religious act of worship just for the sake of family. I know how to find a Church if I am so inclined, after all I have visited 125+ Churches since 2003.

• Offers of a Church to pastor. It is not the lack of a Church to pastor that has led me to where I am. If I would lie about what I believe I could be pastoring again in a matter of weeks. I am not interested in ever pastoring a Church again.

• Threats about judgment and hell. I don’t believe in either, so your threats have no impact on me.

• Phone calls. If you are my friend you know I don’t like talking on the phone. I have no interest in having a phone discussion about my religious or political views.

Here is what I do want from you:

• I want you to unconditionally love me where I am and how I am.

That’s it.

Now I realize some (many) of you won’t be able to do that. My friendship, my familial relationship with you is cemented with the cement of Evangelical orthodoxy. Remove the Bible, God, and fidelity to a certain set of beliefs and there is no basis for a continued relationship.

I understand that, I want you to know I have appreciated and enjoyed our friendship over the years. I understand that you can not be my friend any more. I even understand you may have to publicly denounce me and warn others to stay away from me for fear of me contaminating others with my heresy. Do what you must. We had some wonderful times together and I will always remember those good times.

You are free from me if that is your wish.

I shall continue to journey on. I can’t stop. I must not stop.

Thank you for reading my letter.

Bruce