Monthly Archives: February 2011

Two Years the Dust has Settled, Almost

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My defection from the Christian faith and the ministry is well documented and has been hashed out here, there, and everywhere, Blogs, churches, pastors, friends, parishioners, and acquaintances, have had their say. I have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. I am either saved but backslidden or never was saved according to all those who have weighed in on the state of my eternal soul. (they say I have a soul but I don’t think I do)

A pastor, who is also a former parishioner, visited me  in hopes of turning me from the error of my way. He is an Arminian and he believes I once was saved but now I am lost.

Other pastors have taken it upon themselves to send me missives of judgment in the mail or via email. Every letter, every email is the same. They are certain of what they know the truth to be, and since I am living contrary to their version of truth, they believe God is going to judge me, chastise me, or even kill me. If he doesn’t, what does that say about their God? I shudder to even think about it.

Former parishioners send me letters and emails and leave comments on this blog in hopes of turning me back to the Way of Jesus. Several people suggested that my reading habits and education is the problem and they encouraged me to get rid of all my books except the Bible and become stupid for Jesus. The real issue is not even about me, it is about them. My apostasy invalidates their life and they don’t like it. They fear, if I could apostatize no one is safe from the snare of Satan.

As time moves on the dust of my life settles a bit. I know  the more distant traumatic issues are  the easier it becomes to embrace the pain and move on with life.  Leaving the Christian church and leaving the ministry are indeed difficult things to deal with. The emotional and mental toll has been enormous.

Most every day I get email from people who are trying to find their way out of the Christian wilderness.  Some emails come from pastors who don’t know what to do about their changing beliefs. I have had contact with a few agnostic or atheist pastors who feel trapped. They know they are living a lie but they fear what will happen if they abandon the ministry. Walking away from a life-long career is not an easy choice to make.

I  also hear from pastor’s wives. Some of these dear women no longer believe but their preaching husband does. They suffer in silence for fear of destroying their husbands livelihood if they speak the truth about what they believe.

The Fallen from Grace blog has put me in the way of large numbers of disaffected people. Some are still Christians, others are atheists, agnostics, or deists. Some have abandoned organized religion for some form of spirituality.  My goal as a writer is to help those who read what I write. No writer writes for the hell of it.  I want my writing to make a difference in the lives of my readers. I hope the stories I share and the personal confessions resonate with them.

I know this blog  attracts those who are bent of being God’s avenging mortals. They view me as a heretic, a threat to the Christian church. They pray imprecatory prayers, calling on Jehovah to silence me and to, if necessary, kill me.

I think I have have crossed an important milestone in my journey………I don’t care what  the keeper’s of the light, the warring avengers of all heresy, think. I know I poke at them sometimes, like a boy taking a swing at a hornet’s nest, but I am becoming immune to their invectives.

I am used, far and wide, as an illustration of what happens when a person abandons the truth. I am ok with this. I am learning to embrace my notoriety. People like John Loftus, Dan Barker, and the late Ken Pulliam, among others, have learned to embrace their lostness, and the shit thrown at them no longer sticks. I am getting to the same place in my life. I am waiting for that moment when out of the dark I hear a Darth Vader Like voice, Bruce, I am your Father.

I still have family, friends,former parishioners, and an occasional Christian zealot who try and “connect” with me on Facebook or Twitter. I don’t mind catching up with people from my past.  I have a lot of fond memories from my days as a pastor and a member of the Christian church.

Sadly, some people who contact me have ulterior motives.  They think God is leading them to try and restore me to the Christian faith.  What a big notch on their gospel gun if they can reclaim Bruce Gerencser for Jesus. They think if they just quote enough Bible verses or spout enough Christian clichés that I will be so overwhelmed that I’d have no choice but to praise the name of Jesus.

God knows where I am and he can come get me if he wants me. Personally, I think God is so busy helping the various athletes win their respective games that he has no time for me. He is so busy helping Republicans abolish abortion and deny homosexuals basic civil rights that I am not even in his radar. (no matter how many times Christians mention my name in prayer to the Heavenly Father)

I am not a good prospect for heaven, and those who contact me to evangelize me will be sorely disappointed. My interest is –100%. If given the choice of going to heaven with those evangelizing me or going to a sporting event with beer drinking, foul mouthed sports fans, I will choose the sporting event every time. Fun always wins out in the end.

If the Bible says anything true at all, surely it is true when it says in Hebrews:

For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame. For the earth which drinketh in the rain that cometh oft upon it, and bringeth forth herbs meet for them by whom it is dressed, receiveth blessing from God: But that which beareth thorns and briers is rejected, and is nigh unto cursing; whose end is to be burned….

Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright. 7For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.

Apostates like me  are described in the Bible as pigs wallowing in the mud and dogs who vomit and eat it.

God has passed me by. I am nothing more than a mud living pig that, like a dog who eats his own vomit. What a life. Of course what the Bible is really saying is that I have returned to my old ways before I was a Christian.

Here’s the problem with this kind of thinking .  I was a Christian most of my life. I was born into and raised in the Christian church.  I have no evil life to return to. I have never smoked, I  was a virgin when I got married, and I took my first drink 3 years ago. I don’t have any testimony of debauchery and licentiousness to share.  I was a good Christian kid, and quite frankly I am a far better Christian now than I was way back when I was a real, super-dooper, washed by the blood, sanctified, heaven loving, hell shunning, Holy Ghost filled Independent, Fundamentalist, Evangelical, Reformed, Calvinistic Baptist preacher. 

God doesn’t bother with me and I wish his guard dogs would do the same. But they wont, they cant. If they don’t confront me, if they don’t stand up, stand up for Jesus (remember the tune fellow Baptists) what does that say about them? Yes, what does that say about them?

Truth is, many Christians are afraid of people like me. If someone like me can fall of the gospel wagon no one is safe. My apostasy seems to invalidate their own Jesus experience, especially if I used to be their pastor. They wonder “was Bruce even saved when he was our pastor?”  They wonder how I could have deceived all of them so easily.  I was the devil in their midst and they didn’t even notice. What happened to their discernment skills?

I am grateful that the dust of my life is settling.  I think I can now handle the occasional Rip Van Winkle who suddenly wakes up to find their friend and former pastor now playing for the other team. As long as the letters, emails, and personal invectives don’t come my way as a denial of service (DoS) attack  I think I will be fine. When the occasional onslaught comes I hope I have learned enough to just turn the computer off and hibernate until the attack passes.

Bill Gothard, Prophet or Cultist?

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Sarah Posner writes:

Bill Gothard is intent on defending himself. He’s speaking with me by telephone from the Northwoods Conference Center in Watersmeet, Michigan, where he spends every January “for study and writing and reflecting and fasting.” The controversial 76-year-old evangelist wants to explain away the “distortions” of his critics, and why, he insists, that widely-discussed “Taliban Dan” ad had it all wrong.

In the ad (run last fall by congressional candidate Daniel Webster’s Democratic opponent), the Florida Republican is shown speaking at an Advanced Training Institute conference — part of Gothard’s Institute in Basic Life Principles, the $95 million nonprofit the evangelist founded in 1965 that boasts it has educated millions, including public officials, around the world at its conferences, in homeschool curricula, and in prisons. Webster is shown saying, “wives submit yourselves to your own husband” and “she should submit to me, that’s in the Bible.”

After the ad ran, Webster countered — and watchdogs and the media largely accepted — that Grayson had taken his words out of context and distorted their meaning. Still, though, Webster never deniedthat he believed wives should submit to the spiritual authority of their husbands. That there is a “chain of command” that families must obey has been at the core of Gothard’s teachings for decades.

Gothard insisted to me (in direct contradiction to materials on his own website) that he does not teach submission. When I asked Gothard whether he teaches that wives should submit to their husbands’ authority, he laughed, answering, “no, no,” adding, that Jesus taught “he who is the greatest among you be the servant of all. That makes the woman the greatest of all because she has served every single person in the world by being in her womb.”….

….Gothard’s effort to soft-pedal his teachings — by portraying women as venerated objects, and by saying that “authority” is simply “love” and “love” is “freedom” — flies in the face of his critics’ descriptions of the impact of his authoritarian teachings on their lives. In interviews, former adherents to Gothard’s teachings, disillusioned former members of “ATI families,” and an evangelical critic told me that his unyielding theology, including “non-optional” compliance with seven “biblical” principles (the “basic” life principles), compliance with 49 “character traits,” and other periodic Gothard revelations, are contrary to the Bible and have wreaked havoc on their emotional and spiritual lives and those of their families….

…Gothard doesn’t deny he teaches adherence to what he calls “the commands of Christ.” And even though he has developed his own highly unusual interpretation of the Bible, he insists he’s not demanding that his followers obey him, but that they obey God (or how he singularly has interpreted God’s word). Following this path, he tells me cheerfully, will bring one “success and health and happiness and joy.”…

….Gothard’s recent efforts have even extended into faith healing. He told me that a delegation of Peruvian elected officials and other leaders were impressed with his ability to heal “stress” and cancer. “God has directed us to a new approach to health,” Gothard told me, “which is taking care of stress first.” Now the Peruvians, he said, want to be a “model world nation.” That, he added, “to me is like the example of what we’ve been working for all these years.”….

….Gothard told me that America’s problems are caused by “rejecting God’s ways” and that “we should make laws that are in harmony with the laws of nature and the laws of God.”….

…Gothard’s followers can take that directive quite literally. “Jack,” now in his 20s, who had lived and worked at IBLP headquarters and was exposed to ATI his entire life, told me that after high school he “immediately jumped into the legal studies program that ATI provided, determined to create a legal system based on biblical law then become president and implement it all over the world — crazy, I know.” He has since broken with ATI….

…..Don Venoit, a conservative evangelical who founded Midwest Christian Outreach, a ministry devoted to countering the influence of “new religious movements,” has long been a critic of Gothard and documented his efforts to confront him in a 2003 book, A Matter of Basic Principles. MCO, like other apologetics ministries, considers Mormonism and other religions “cultic” and has contested the teachings of other evangelicals like Rick Warren and Brian McLaren. Still, the Venoits’ objections to Gothard are a barometer of how Gothard, well-loved by many conservative evangelicals, has drawn the ire of others….

….Venoit told me he doesn’t consider Gothard’s organization a cult, but that Gothard’s “view of authority is the core of where things go wrong.” Gothard teaches, in the first hour of the first night of his “basic” seminar that “authority is like an umbrella of protection.” If you get out of that protection, “you are in rebellion, which is like witchcraft,” and “all evil will befall you,” said Venoit.

“It’s a culture of fear, is what it is,” he added….

…..Venoit said he was provoked to challenge Gothard’s “legalistic” views on issues like marriage and circumcision, which Gothard maintains must conform to Old Testament law, and other ideas like demons are transmitted from place to place through inanimate objects. In the 1990s, MCO began receiving increasing calls about Gothard’s authoritarianism….

….Rather than engage in hermeneutics, said Venoit, Gothard “prays over large portions of scripture and God tells him what it means. Fundamentally, you have a mystic telling you how to understand the Bible.”

Gothard’s “fundamental flaw,” Venoit told me, is his idea of the “umbrella of authority or chain of command.”….

….Ronald B. Allen, now a Senior Professor of Bible Exposition at Dallas Theological Seminary, criticizedGothard’s “chain-of-command” tenets of patriarchy….

Allen called Gothard’s teaching “the basest form of male chauvinism I have ever heard in a Christian context… His view is basically anti-woman.”….

….In our interview, Gothard disputed the “terrible picture” Allen had drawn, maintaining that “God is the one who has a hammer” and that “God will use different authorities in their life to perfect the diamonds in our life. It’s not breaking the diamond, it’s perfecting the diamond. We are his jewels.”

“It’s not a harsh thing,” he insisted, “it’s a matter of perfecting the goal God has for every one of us.”…

…..Vyckie Garrison, who runs the website No Longer Quivering, “a gathering place for women escaping and recovering from spiritual abuse,” told me that she and her now ex-husband, although they lacked the money to attend Gothard’s seminars, followed his teachings through his homeschool curricula. She said her husband had believed, based on Gothard’s teachings, that he was responsible for his family’s salvation through the authority he exercised over his family, a role which turned him into a “tyrant.”….

….While many evangelical couples follow complementarian theology, Gothard’s twist on that teaching, said Garrison, is that “the man has ultimate responsibility with eternal consequences,” meaning that it “gives him the authority over every aspect of family’s life and thoughts.” In Garrison’s family this meant her husband exercised control of her and the children’s every move to ensure compliance with Gothard’s 49 character traits.

The husband provides an “umbrella of protection” or “spiritual protection from Satan.” The wife needs to be in submission, because the husband is “going to answer not just for your own life and your own walk before God but for your wife and children,” said Garrison.

While she was attempting to live up to the unattainable expectations imposed by her husband’s adherence to Gothard’s theology, Garrison was “mesmerized” by the Duggars of 19 Kids and Counting fame, who are possibly Gothard’s most recognizable followers. The matriarch and star of the TLC reality hit, Michelle Duggar, “was like my hero,” said Garrison, who found raising her own seven children overwhelming. “She makes it all look so doable.” In spite of Gothard’s controversial status, religious right activists fawned over the Duggars at last year’s Values Voters Summit, where they were honoredwith a “Pro-Family Entertainment” award….

….ATI provides both homeschool materials and training courses all over the world on wide-ranging topics, including law, landscaping, music, food service, interior design, and “eternity arts.” But it’s in the gender-separated seminars that Gothard’s vision for women becomes clear: they are taught how to “radiate the brightness of the Lord Jesus Christ through their thoughts, words, and actions,” become “virtuous women,” and recognize the importance of “falling in love with the Lord, accepting your design and realizing your unique gifts.” Gothard, who teaches that dating is wrong, and that couples should engage instead in “courtship,” maintains“the purpose of courtship is to determine a couple’s readiness for marriage and to discern the will of God for a covenant marriage that will benefit the world.”….

….Gothard, who has never been married, teaches that dating is prohibited (a rule echoed by the Duggars on their television show) “because you’ll give away too much of your heart.” As the blogger Hopewell wroteon Garrison’s blog, the Duggars “view dating as unhealthy, leading to a diminished capacity to love your eventual spouse… They view adulthood as something that begins with a parent-approved marriage and at no other time.”

Indeed sex is so taboo it’s not even discussed — even to condemn homosexuality. “To even mention the name of [homosexuality] was a sin,” said Jack. “To talk about sexuality in general was wrong. The ‘S’ word as we called it was in my family absolutely never mentioned. Things like masturbation — I didn’t even know what it was until I was 19 or 20. Sex was considered bad and wrong and almost like the boogeyman that you don’t talk about.”

Gothard’s own brother, who worked for IBLP, was dismissed from his organization after it was discovered that he was having sex with students, and the former head of the homeschooling curriculum, Jim Voeller, was dismissed for leaving his wife and seven children for his secretary….

First, I want to thank Sarah Posner for writing this. I have read Sarah’s articles for several years and I appreciate her skillful, passionate writing.

Second, several people with experience being involved with Bill Gothard regularly read Fallen From Grace.  I hope they add their perspective. (if they feel comfortable doing so)

My grandfather and step-grandmother were avid Gothardites.  They tried several times to get my wife and I to attend a Basic Life Principles conference in Detroit, Michigan.  If I remember right, they did talk my mother into attending. Polly and I never attended, not for any reason other than we were too busy.

I was exposed to  Bill Gothard and his “principles” in the last church I pastored. I was able to carefully watch how Gothard’s teachings and home school program affected one of the families in the church.

During the time I was at the last church I pastored I had the opportunity to visit an advanced “training” facility for Gothardites.  It was run by a pastor whom I have known since my days as a student as Midwestern Baptist College.

I watch the HBO show Big Love. Big Love is a drama that follows a Mormon polygamist family in Utah. As I watch Big Love, the similarities between the show and my time as a Fundamentalist Baptist and Bill Gothard and his Basic Life Principles is striking. Uncomfortably so.

It is hard for me not to say, “Bruce you were a cultist.” Devout. Committed. Sincere.

But a cultist, nonetheless.

Not a full-blown cult, but cultic tendencies to be sure.

Gothardism may not be a cult  but it most certainly has cultic tendencies. I will leave it to you to decide if you think they are cultic. (Google search for Bill Gothard)

The Day Abraham Blew Himself Up At Church

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I  attended Midwestern Baptist College in the mid 1970’s.  All dorm students were required to attend Emmanuel Baptist Church. Emmanuel was pastored by Tom Malone, the chancellor of Midwestern.

Emmanuel Baptist Church was  large church. At one time it was one of the largest churches in the United States.(current attendance, last I knew was under 200) The Church ran buses all over the Pontiac/Detroit area. During my time at Emmanuel the church operated 80 buses.

One of the bus riders was a young man name Abraham.

Abraham was a walking contradiction. He was a brilliant, crazy young man.

Abraham would walk up in back of people and snip hair from their heads. A week or so later Abraham would bring the person a silk sachet filled with hair and finger nail clippings.  Needless to say most of us kept a close eye on Abraham.

One day there was an explosion at the Church.

Abraham had built a bomb and brought to Church.

Abraham carried the bomb into the restroom and, whether accidentally or on purpose, the bomb detonated.

It was the last strange thing Abraham ever did.

The bomb blew Abraham to bits. One man who helped clean up the mess said bits and pieces of Abraham fell from the drop ceiling.

At the time, I thought all of this was quite funny. I thought “I guess Abraham won’t do that again.”

Years later, my thoughts are quite different. The buses brought thousands of people to the services of the Emmanuel Baptist Church. Most of the riders came from poor or dysfunctional homes. Their need was great but all we offered them was Jesus.

Jesus was the answer for everything.

Except that he wasn’t.

As I now know, the problems that people face are anything but simple and Jesus is not the cure for all that ails you.

What I was Taught Concerning the Bible

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Here is the stated position of Midwestern Baptist College, the college I attended in the 1970’s,  concerning the Bible:

We believe that the King James Version is the perfect, impeccable, inspired, and preserved Word of God. We believe that inspiration took place when God spoke through holy men of old and that God has preserved His Word to this present moment. The Textus Receptus manuscript from which the King James is translated is the only completely reliable manuscript in existence. Midwestern Baptist College has no other text or version and would not tolerate the use of any other.”

Tom Malone, Founder and Chancellor
of Midwestern Baptist College

The Pastor Called Us Fresh Meat

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About eight years ago, when our family was still looking for a Church to attend, we visited the Thornhill Baptist Church in Hudson, Michigan. Thornhill is a Southern Baptist Church.

Our first visit was on a Sunday night. The Church was having an open discussion about the church, its future, and how best to reach their community.

The pastor said the following:

Let ask our visitors. They are fresh meat. What’s your opinion?

After getting over the shock of being called fresh meat, I gave my typical pastor answer (they didn’t know I was a pastor). Sound Bible preaching. Evangelism, etc, etc, etc,

The pastor then turned to my oldest sons, then aged about 23 and 21,dismissed what I  said, and asked them what they thought. They repeated some of the things I had said. He laughed  and the asked them what they “really “ thought. What kind of things did they like to do? What kind of things did they think were fun?

In other words my son’s were lying or simply repeating what their father said. In this pastor’s mind, when it came to teens and young adults, it was all about making church “fun” and ”entertaining.”

The conversation moved on to music. Several members (most of them were 55 and older) were against using contemporary music in the church worship services. One old man suggested the Church give the young people a steady diet of southern gospel music  After all, he liked southern gospel music, why wouldn’t they? 

Needless to say, we crossed this church off our list of potential churches to attend. It didn’t take long to turn the fresh meat into burnt steaks

Where Independent Baptists Send Their Rebellious Teens

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I can’t even begin to imagine the abuse that went on in these homes. The stories are sordid, and quite frankly, sickening.

When I was an Independent Baptist pastor group homes operated by people like Lester Roloff and Mack Ford (Google search) were viewed as the answer for teens that were rebellious,who were out of control. Keep in mind rebellious and out of control could mean listening to rock music and smoking dope. They often specialized in teen pregnancies.

Roloff was considered a god at Midwestern Baptist College, the college I attended in the 1970’s. Whatever Roloff said was considered the gospel.

Roloff, and others like him would travel the country with special groups made up of teens that had been “fixed.” The purpose of traveling from Church to Church was to raise money and to troll for more teens to fix.

In the 1980’s I came in contact with the Williams family and Hephzibah Home in Indiana. They were typical, extreme Independent Baptists. At the time I thought they were doing a “good” work. I now know their “good” work was actually child abuse.

Here are some links for you to check out if you are more interested in finding out more about this.

Former Hephzibah Girls

New Bethany Survivors (link no longer active)

Salon Article Fundamentalist schools & another case of alleged child abuse

Lettuce Spray

Article about the Roloff Homes

The sins of the Independent Baptist Church movement are many. The cover-ups are legion and continue until this day. Fortunately, the internet allows the light to expose these cockroaches.  I feel great sorrow for those hurt and abused. To the degree that I was a part of this, I am indeed sorry. While I never was party to a child being sent to any of these homes I did recommend them to parents. I would like to claim ignorance but somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better. I am fucked up enough by my Independent Baptist past. I can only imagine how it is for these kids who were sent to these homes.

A Thought About Christian Pastors Who Abuse

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The Newark Advocate reports:

….Daniel L. Monk, 47, last known address 1025 Kelly Drive, Hebron, will serve six years in prison after Marcelain sentenced him to consecutive three-year terms on two counts of sexual battery — both third-degree felonies — and to a concurrent six-month term for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Monk pleaded guilty in January to the charges.

The girl’s father said Monk used his position of authority as then-pastor of Soul’s Harbor Pentecostal Church, 12180 Lancaster St., Millersport, to take advantage of her.

“You destroyed the girl my daughter once was,” he said. “You took something away from my 16-year-old daughter that she will never get back.”

Between June and September 2010, Monk had sex with the girl at her Hebron residence, Licking County Assistant Prosecutor Dan Huston said. Monk told police he had counseled the girl before becoming a father figure and later a “boyfriend.”

On Aug. 28, the Hebron Police Department received a call from the girl’s mother, saying she had noticed an inappropriate relationship between her daughter and Monk, Hebron police Lt. Larry Brooks said. Monk had sent her hundreds of text messages and met her at odd hours of the morning, according to court records.

In asking for a six-year sentence, Huston said he thinks Monk is a risk to reoffend in the future and he abused his position to develop a relationship with the girl.

“This man was, in fact, entrusted with the safety of (this girl),” Huston said. “He victimized her in her time of need.”

Monk’s attorney, Matthew Dawson, said Monk is “very remorseful,” and the incidents happened because Monk wasn’t in a right frame of mind. Before the relationship with the girl, Monk had begun a 40-day fast, during which he lost 100 pounds and quit his medicines — such as Vicodin — cold turkey….

In handing out the sentence, Marcelain said he wanted to make sure Monk couldn’t repeat the offense again and hoped to dissuade others in his position from doing the same…..

I have a question.

Abusers often find Jesus while in jail. Perhaps their conversion is real but it seems to me that a lot of jail-house conversions are just that…..Finding God plays well at the sentencing.

  Here’s my question. What about Christian pastors, deacons, Sunday School teachers, Church bus drivers, and every-day run of the mill members of the Church Christians….Since they are already saved,born again, spirit filled, washed in the blood, sanctified, Christians, what can they do to gain a lesser sentence?

They can’t find God because they did their evil acts while God was with them. Remember  the Scripture says “I will never leave you or forsake you.” While Christian men and women abuse, rape, and corrupt others, God is there all the time.

Makes me wonder about God, a God who stands by and does nothing while people, in His name, destroy the lives of innocent children and adults.

The money quote in the Newark Advocate article is:

“Instead of praying for her — p-r-a-y — you preyed on her — p-r-e-y,” Marcelain said to Monk.

Very true Judge Marcelain.

Paranoid Schizophrenia Caused by Demon Possession

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Posted on the I’ll Be Honest website:

Anonymous,

You wrote: “My struggle is my illness , I have paranoid schizophrenia and it haunts me to think it is there , I am well medicated and can function in this world but it feels as though I am doomed . I repent a lot and pray regularly for the salvation of my soul … I know I am undone before and without God …”

We see in Mark 5 about a man with an unclean spirit. It says in verse 4 “No one had the strength to subdue him.” – My friend consider this, please, I beg and plead with you too. No medicine, no doctor will ever truly subdue you. No one pill or medicine has the strength to do such. Let us also consider verse 3 it said “And no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain.” You know what the keyword there is? “anymore” this means at one point they could, but now they can’t. That should terrify you, because right now you may be bound somewhat by the medicine but one day it will no longer work. One day people will say of you “We used to be able to subdue Philip with these pills but they no longer work anymore!” Sin is no small game, it will continue to eat away at you and bring you into greater darkness. The true issue is a heart issue and a heart transplant is required, you must be born-again. (John 3:3, 2 Cor 5:17, Eze 36:25-27)

You said “I repent a lot and pray regularly.” The problem is not that you need to “repent more” or “pray more” the issue is you need to come unto Christ for rest (Matthew 11:28) and you need to believe in Jesus (John 3:36). You are trying to save yourself by your own works, your repentance and praying, won’t save you only the work of Christ will. It says that the man with a demon would cry out night and day (v5), now I don’t know what he was crying out exactly, but my point is this: You can do a lot of crying out and it will profit you nothing.
What happened to the man to set him free? Verse 6 says “And when he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and fell down before him.” – You must do likewise, you must run and fall down before Jesus Christ as your only hope. It says in verse 15 that the man was then “sitting there, clothed and in his right mind.” The most important clothes that he now had on was the righteousness of Jesus Christ.

Isaiah 50:10 – Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.

After the spirit was cast out of him the man told Jesus he wanted to go with Him. Jesus said “Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.” v19. How much the “Lord has done,” you see it is not about what you do but what God does and it is about God’s Glory. Isaiah 47:3 says – “whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” Does it glorify God to go around telling others how much some medicine has done for you? Or how much self-effort you have exerted to try to stop doing things that you shouldn’t?  No it does not, it exalts self, and more importantly the medicine cannot do for you what you need it to do, it will never work, only Christ can do the true work and then rightly so will God receive glory.

The question before you right now is this, will you ran and fall down before Jesus? Will you take refuge in Him alone and not your own works and performance?  Salvation is all of Grace, we simply do not deserve such. God sent His only son into the world to live the perfect life that no one else ever could and then Christ died under the wrath of God on the Cross as a sacrifice for the sin of those who believe…those who believe, not those who “try to work their way to being presentable” but instead to totally trust Christ to supply the righteousness to their account so that they will be presentable by faith.

My friend, if you come to Christ you can be like the man in verse 19… going and telling everyone of what the Lord has done for Him. How he had mercy on you, but you must trust in Christ alone all other ground is completely sinking sand.

Here’s the money quote:

My friend consider this, please, I beg and plead with you too. No medicine, no doctor will ever truly subdue you. No one pill or medicine has the strength to do such.

When I read this post on the I’ll be Honest website I was immediately angered by the absolute irresponsibility of the advice given to a person with schizophrenia.

I do not know James Jennings. I am guessing he has some association with Tim Conway and the Grace Community Church in San Antonio, Texas. I was Conway’s pastor in 1994.

The answer given by Jennings is typical of the “Jesus is the answer for what ails you” mindset. Never mind that schizophrenia is a medical condition that devastates those afflicted with it. It is morally irresponsible to suggest to a schizophrenic that Jesus will cure him.

I wonder if Jennings thinks the schizophrenic should go off his medication.  I am assuming he does……..after all, if Jesus heals the schizophrenic he will no need  the medications he is taking.

Of course, if the man follows the advice given to him by Jennings and then kills himself or seriously harms someone else there is always an out for Jennings. Jennings will claim “It is sad that this delusional man did not rest in Jesus. His actions are those of an unregenerate man.”

Many Christians believe that all mental illness is a sign of demonic oppression  or possession. Tim Conway, the pastor of Grace Community Church, sat under the ministry of Pat Horner, Community Baptist Church, Elmendorf, Texas. (I was co-pastor of the church in 1994) At the time, Horner believed in demon possession and he believed that a Christian could be oppressed by demons. This teaching led to a number of bizarre demon sighting within and outside the church congregation.

Horner was deeply influenced by the teachings of Conrad Murrell.(Conrad Murrell Google search)  Murrell listed the signs of demon possession as:

Conrad Murrell’s list of demonization symptoms is similar, though at some points it could be condensed. It includes unnatural fear; deep depression; confusion of the mind; restlessness; obscenities and profanities; inexplicable sleepiness; uncontrollable and unreasonable rage; sudden suicidal and murderous urges; schizophrenia; recurring headaches, physical symptoms without apparent cause; urges to alcohol, tobacco, drugs, pornography, violence and bloodshed; inexplicable rebellion; sexual perversion; aversion to marital sex; clairvoyance; and uncontrollable urges.

There is hope for the schizophrenic. He can get proper medical attention that will help him with his disease.  There is no hope for Jennings.  He is a snake-oil salesman selling a cure that cures no one. I am sure Jennings BELIEVES Jesus can cure the schizophrenic but, In this case, it is Jennings who is deluded and not the schizophrenic.

Is Living By Faith an Excuse for Irresponsibility?

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The Bible commands the Christian  to live by faith. According to the Bible, without faith it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God.

The Christian is saved by faith, through grace. Ephesians 2:8, 9 says:

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
Not of works, lest any man should boast.

According to Christian doctrine no human being deserves salvation. God, a gracious, kind, loving and just being, purposes to save some sinners out the mass of sinners called the human race. God doesn’t have to save anyone, but he does. We all deserve judgment and hell, or so goes the Christian gospel.

Those who are saved by the wondrous grace of God become a new creation in Christ Jesus. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says:

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Since the Christian is a new creation in Christ, he is commanded to live a life of faith. The Holy Spirit indwells (comes to live inside of)  every Christian, teaching them everything that pertains to life and godliness.  The Christian doesn’t have to go to church to find God, God is with him 24/7.

Romans 1:17 makes it clear that the just (the justified) shall live by faith.

For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith.

Romans 5:1,2 says:

Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

The Apostle Paul told the Corinthian Church that we walk by faith, not by sight.

The Christian life is a life of faith, beginning to end. There is no work a Christian can do to gain favor with God.  Note what the Bible says in Galatians 2:16:

Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified.

The Bible is clear that the Christian is called to live a life of faith, a life totally dependent on God.  To live a life according to the flesh, according to the philosophies of this world is to deny that Jesus is your Lord and Savior.

Let me repeat, the Bible makes it clear that without faith it is impossible to please God. IMPOSSIBLE!

How does this life of faith work out in the day to day life of the Christian?

The Christian is taught to tune into God’s radio channel. Through prayer and reading the Scriptures, along with regular attendance at public worship, the Christian can divine the will of God.

God has a perfect will for everyone. Since God  is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent he knows exactly how the Christian should live their life.  The Christian is called on to live a life of self-denial, a life where the only thing that matters is God’s will.

The Christian, indwelt by the Holy Spirit, and through prayer and reading the Scriptures, is able to determine exactly what God wants him to do. 

It would seem that, if the premise above is correct,  all Christians would believe the same thing and live their lives in similar fashion.  But, as anyone knows, the Christian Church is hopelessly fractured. Sectarian splits and internecine wars  are quite common as various denominations and churches slug it out to see who has THE truth. It seems that God has a hard time making up his mind about what the “faith once delivered to the saints” is. It seems God is uncertain about how the Christian should live the life of faith. One Christian says X is a sin and another Christian says no it is not.  Both appeal to the Bible as the authority for their belief and practice.

I have sat through countless church business meetings, filled with people who had prayed about the matters that were going to be discussed. One would think that everyone in the business meeting would come to the same conclusion. I have yet to see a business meeting where everyone was in agreement. I’ve seen plenty of business meetings where everyone seemed to be in agreement but two or three weeks later, after the church gossip line has run its course, I found out that there were people not in favor of what we voted to do. It seems that the Holy Spirit changes his mind quite often.

I spent most of my adult life intimately involved with the Christian church. As I’ve said many times before I know what really goes on behind closed doors and I know where the bodies are buried. While Christianity likes to paint itself as a unified body of people who are in love with Jesus and follow him wherever he leads  the truth is there is little or no unity, and quite often, if Jesus is headed one way they are headed in the opposite direction.

Christians who are  serious about their faith work very hard at trying to know what God wants them to do with their life. They listen intently to the pastor’s preaching hoping to hear and feel that little nudge from God. They diligently read their Bible hoping that one of the verses will jump out at them, and with blaring sirens, alert them to what it is God wants them to do. The Christian will spend a significant amount of time in prayer. Prayer is where the Christian communicates with God and hopefully God communicates back with him.

I have heard countless Christians say, and I have said it many times myself, God has laid ____________ on my heart. How does the Christian know that God has laid something on their heart? They just know it. It’s that sense, that feeling that one gets when all is well and everything is at peace. It is not uncommon to hear Christians say “I have peace about this matter. God laid it on my heart.‘’Of course there is no way to know for certain that it’s God. How does the Christian prove  God is laying something on their heart?

Christians themselves realize the danger of living a life solely dictated by faith. They read their Bible, pray, seek the counsel of other people, yet they still have nagging doubts about what God has asked them to do. Sometimes, the Christian cannot bring themselves to do what they believe God wants them to do, and at that moment they become a person that is commonly known in the church as a person “out of the will of God.”

There are two labels that no Christian wants attached to their life. Out of the will of God and backslidden. Preachers spend a significant amount of time preaching to those who are considered out of the will of God, to those who are backslidden. The subpar Christians are blamed for a lot of things. The church would have revival, or the blessing of God, or have their financial or spiritual needs met, if only backslidden Christians would get right with God. It is a tremendous weight to feel that you are not right with God and that you are the blame for all the bad things that are happening.

I spent the first fifty years of my life in the Christian church. I was a devoted follower of Jesus Christ. I was intent on following the lamb (Jesus Christ) wherever he went. I attempted to live my life according to the premise “what would Jesus do?” Every day I purposed to deny myself, and take up my cross, and follow Jesus. Most every day I failed at this impossible standard but I kept trying, trying, trying.

I was taught, and I taught others, that every Christian has a cross to bear. Every Christian has a weight in their life that weighs them down, a burden they must carry. In my life I thought my weight was living in poverty. As an act of self-denial I believed God wanted me to live a life of poverty and he wanted my wife and kids (collateral damage) to do the same.

Of course pastoring poor churches made it a lot easier to live a life of poverty. I spent eleven years in one church where the highest paid man in the church made $21,000 a year. The biggest salary I ever drew from the church was $12,000. Most years my salary was in the $6-$8000 range. This church was not a small church. For several years we ran close to 200 people, but it was a church filled with members who were classified as the working poor.

During the eleven years I spent at this church my family and I never had church provided medical insurance. We took one vacation during our time there. Every week was a financial battle for us. Will the offering be big enough to pay my salary? If it wasn’t how were we going to pay our bills?

We learned a lot about ourselves during this time. We learned to do without and we learned what it really meant to be poor. I am thankful for the experience but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.

Every week seemed to be a crisis. We spent a lot of time trying to discern the will of God. What does God want us to do? I knew we had to have faith,we had to trust that God was going to see us through. It’s funny what God will lead you to do during difficult times.

God led us to get food stamps. God led us to sign up for Medicaid insurance. God led us to stand in line at the food bank.(actually my wife stood in line I was too embarrassed to do so)  For two of the eleven years we were at this church God led us to deliver newspapers. The other nine years God made it clear that he wanted us to live by faith, that he wanted us to do without. I rarely doubted God and his wonderful plan for my life. I just considered it all part of the whole living by faith package.

As I look back on this time in our life I realize how foolish it all was. Good intentions perhaps, but nonetheless very foolish. I was so focused on the work of the ministry and getting sinners saved that nothing else mattered. Retirement? I had no plans to retire. I planned to die with my boots on. Savings? Why save money when you can give it away to the church and those in need. Disability insurance? Who needs that? God will protect me and give me the strength that I need.

My children did without, my wife did without, and so did I, so that the work of God could prosper and God would be pleased. Church members found great pleasure in telling other people about how their pastor and his family lived a simple life, unencumbered by material things. Of course these same church members that praised us rarely had any desire to live the same life we were living. While they saved, planned for retirement, bought their home, and had insurance, my family and I lived in poverty.

I’m sure by this point someone is going to suggest that I should have done things differently. Family and financial security come first. I certainly believe that now, but at the time I believed I was doing the will of God living the way I did.  25+ years in the ministry and I only pastored one church that paid me a living wage. ( and this church didn’t provide for medical insurance) Baptist churches are notorious for not paying their pastor’s well.

I now realize that I made a lot of mistakes. My college professors taught me that my wife and family had to come second to the ministry God called me to. If I had to make a choice between family and the church, God wanted me to choose the church. I wrote a post about this a good while ago detailing my love affair with the church.

I now know my family comes first. I now know that the first priority must be to provide for the material well-being of my wife and family. I wish I had come to this revelation while I still had strength of body, but now it is too late. My body is wracked with pain and I have found it quite impossible to find gainful employment. I realize there are no do overs so I must move forward with what I have. Fortunately my wife has a good job, and through careful planning and budgeting we can live a decent life.

Four years ago we bought our first home. We had owned a couple of mobile homes that always sat on someone else’s property. Now we own not only the house but the ground underneath it. It still thrills us knowing that we own our own place.

Last year we bought a new car, the first new car we’ve owned since 1984. Between 1984 and 2010 my wife and I have driven everything from cars bought at Buy Here=Pay Here lots to $300 clunkers. There are some cars in the past, that if I brought them home today, my wife would likely do a reenactment of the Burning Bed.

For the first time in thirty-three years of marriage we have a savings account. It’s not much, but we are committed to putting money in it each week until we have enough money to take care of any emergency needs we might have.

In our living by faith days we often lived by MasterCard and Visa faith. Trust God and charge it. God will make sure the minimum payment is always made. Such thinking led us all way to the bankruptcy court and God never showed up to put a good word in for us. We no longer use credit cards. We came to realize that credit cards are temptations sent from Satan (also known as big banks) sent to wreak havoc on those who can’t afford to have credit cards. If I can’t afford to pay for it today what makes me think I can afford to pay for it tomorrow?

Of course I learned in church that if you can’t pay for something today you can trust God to give you the money to pay for it tomorrow. In many Christian circles they practice what is called faith promise giving. It is where the Christian promises to give an amount of money he does not have, believing, by faith, that God will provide the money for him.

Churches routinely do this with their budget for the future. By faith they believe God is going to increase their numbers, and by increasing their numbers increase their offerings. Sadly, such thinking results in churches strangled by debt. It is not uncommon to hear of churches going bankrupt.

If all else fails, the faith living Christian, can practice a well-known bit of Christian magic. This magic act is called putting out the fleece.

The practice comes from Judges 6:36-38:

And Gideon said unto God, If thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said, Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water.

The way putting out the fleece works is quite simple. If a Christian is uncertain about what God wants him to do he can put the question to God. “God if you want me to have this job then I ask that you have them call me by 5:00 P.M. on Thursday.  If they don’t call I will know that it is not your will for me to have the job.”

I use this method many times when I was faced with making a decision that I was uncertain about. On two occasions I was uncertain about whether or not to accept a job offer. I put out the fleece, setting a deadline for the company to call. In both cases the company did not call by the deadline. Both of them called the day after the deadline. I did not take the  jobs because I was certain that God had shown me his will through putting out the fleece.

Another biblical method is “the casting of lots” also known as drawing straws.  It is similar to “putting out the fleece.” When God’s will is unclear or multiple “will’s of God” are available, casting lots is a sure way to settle a matter. I never liked casting lots, especially if it went against what I thought was God’s will. I am sure I said in mind more than once “two out of three?”

Fortunately my wife and I taught our children far better than we lived. We taught them to save money and avoid debt. We taught them to put their family first and to provide for the future. We do not want any of our children to walk the same path we did. Our children are much farther ahead at their age than we were at that same age.

I have come to the conclusion that faith was an excuse for irresponsibility; that waiting for God to provide was an excuse for doing without. If I had to do it all over again I would have been a bi-vocational pastor. I would’ve worked a secular job. I would’ve made sure that my family was provided for, that we had insurance, that we had money saved, and that we had adequately planned for the future.

As with all things in the past, it is what it is. All anyone can do is learn from their mistakes and hope that the same mistake is never made again.

The faith choices we made in our 20s and 30s forced upon us a different lifestyle than we would like to have today. The die has been set and we just have to live with the consequences of the choices we have made, Being disabled and unable to find meaningful work plagues me mentally. I wish I had concerned myself in my younger years with taking care of what was called the Temple of God, but at that time I thought God would take care of me physically and financially. After all, I had devoted my entire life to him. Now I understand, that it’s up to me. God is not going to rescue me, bless me,meet my needs, or do anything for me. A lot of Christians, including myself, lived under the delusion that God had a wonderful plan for our lives. Yes, burdens and trials will come, but God would  never give us more than we could bear. We just needed to have faith and grind it out for Jesus.

I’ve come to see that God is not in the picture and that life consists of the choices, both good and bad, that we make. We really do have free will, the will to choose, and the will to change our ways. Yes we are influenced by our environment and by outside circumstances, but at the end of the day life is about making choices.

The Bible says to choose this day who you will serve. Joshua 24:15 says:

And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

I have made a choice.

I Love and Respect Your Position

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No you don’t.

And you shouldn’t.

If you are a Christian, I mean a card –carrying member of the Jesus band you should find my views abhorrent, loathsome,and damnable.

I know you are my friend.

I know you have become adept at separating the man from his message.

I appreciate the fact that people make an attempt to love me where I am, how I am.

But I wonder…

Do they really love me for being me or is their love a means to an end?

Perhaps you operate under the delusion that if you just love me as you know Jesus loves me that I will return to the Christian faith and the universe, your universe will be in balance once again.

You hold on, hoping that the hounds of heaven chase me down and return me to Kingdom of God.

Sometimes I think you are like a person whose spouse has died. Night after night they sit on the couch hoping that it is all a mistake and that their spouse is going to walk through the door.

I am not coming through the door.

It is time for you to embrace reality.

I am a non-believer.

I am an apostate.

I am a Christ-denier.

Outside of these things I am still a pretty good guy. 

You don’t really love and respect my position.

How can you?

I stand in opposition to much of what you believe in.

Besides, I voted for Obama.

You believe the Bible is God’s truth.

I don’t.

You believe that all human beings are sinners in need of salvation.

I don’t.

You believe Jesus is the way, truth and life.

I don’t.

You think attending a Church is the most important thing a person can do.

I don’t. (but I do make exceptions for funerals and weddings)

What does the Bible say about someone like me?

Be honest.

I am a dog returned to his vomit. (2 Peter 2:22)

I am a pig returned to the pigpen. (2 Peter 2:22)

I have given heed to seducing spirits and the doctrines of devils. (1 Timothy 4:1)

I am a scoffer walking in my own lusts. (2 Peter 3:2-7)

I am willingly ignorant. (2 Peter 3:2-7)

I am a false prophet, a false teacher out to deceive all who come in contact with me. (Matthew 24:11,12)

Let me remind you of what the Bible says about someone like me:

But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction. And many shall follow their pernicious ways; by reason of whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of. And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not. For if God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness, to be reserved unto judgment;And spared not the old world, but saved Noah the eighth person, a preacher of righteousness, bringing in the flood upon the world of the ungodly;And turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha into ashes condemned them with an overthrow, making them an ensample unto those that after should live ungodly;And delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked:(For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing, vexed his righteous soul from day to day with their unlawful deeds;)The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished:But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. Presumptuous are they, selfwilled, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities.1Whereas angels, which are greater in power and might, bring not railing accusation against them before the Lord.But these, as natural brute beasts, made to be taken and destroyed, speak evil of the things that they understand not; and shall utterly perish in their own corruption;And shall receive the reward of unrighteousness, as they that count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings while they feast with you;Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children: Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray, following the way of Balaam the son of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness;But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man’s voice forbad the madness of the prophet.These are wells without water, clouds that are carried with a tempest; to whom the mist of darkness is reserved for ever.For when they speak great swelling words of vanity, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through much wantonness, those that were clean escaped from them who live in error.While they promise them liberty, they themselves are the servants of corruption: for of whom a man is overcome, of the same is he brought in bondage.For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning.For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them.But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.

The Bible is clear. God  has spoken. It would have been better for me not to have ever known Jesus, never to have been saved.

I understand why some people become so violent, so aggressive with me. I am a fly in their ointment, a stench that can not be removed.  Their answer is to declare that I never was a Christian, that I never was saved, that I never believed the truth. I am a publican and a heathen. (Matthew 18)

But YOU know better.

You know what I believed.

You know how I lived.

You know…

I don’t ask you to love and respect my position.

Stand for what you believe, what you think is the truth.

All I would ask of you is that you truly have an answer for the hope that lies within you.(1 Peter 3:15)

Don’t tell me what your pastor or Church believes.

Don’t tell me to read the latest, greatest book from the latest great Christian guru.

What do YOU really believe?

If you know what you believe shout it from the mountaintops.

But…if you are not so sure…

If you have questions…

If you have doubts…

Consider me as an alternative viewpoint.

I am not a guru.

I am not a prophet.

I am just one man on a journey.

This blog is the written expression of my journey.

It is my ‘bible.”

I am nothing more than one crying in the wilderness of his own life, seeking to know and understand not only his own life, but the lives of those he inhabits the earth with.