When I started blogging I determined to be open and honest in my writing. When I was a pastor that is how I preached. I never presented myself as a god without faults, failures, and sins. When I preached about sin, moral failure, and matters of character I always used words like we and us. I wanted everyone to know that what I preached applied to everyone including me.
People want me to be open and honest. They find my story compelling and refreshing. However, being open and honest also opens me up to judgment and criticism. Witness Tony Breeden’s deconstruction of my life, his lying misuse and abuse of my life story. The same thing happened at Free Jinger several weeks ago.
Being open and honest attracts people (mostly professing Christians) who thrive on shitting all over the life of others. From blog posts, to comments, and private emails they take great joy in slicing and dicing, not only my life, but the lives of my children and wife.
No matter how often I remind people that such judgments can’t be made based on what limited information I give them, they do it anyway. We live in a culture of instant judgment, where a 1,000 word post can be turned on its head and made into a critique of one’s life. No care or concern is given for the person. People impulsively say whatever they want to say and rarely consider how it might affect the person on the other end. (and sadly I can do the same myself)
Even with a simple, innocent post about my daughter with Down Syndrome……people found reason to judge and criticize. I was somewhat taken aback by the public and private criticism I received. I removed the post. I find myself saying, Bruce how could you have so misjudged how people would respond? (or how some people would respond)I am not sure what lesson there is to be learned from this…….
I am sure someone will tell me to quit whining and be a man. If I plan to write publicly then I must be willing to face public judgment and scrutiny. Perhaps they are right……..All I know is that I no longer have the mental or physical constitution to face much of this. As tough as I think I have become, I suspect I am not as tough as I think I am. I have days where I think, do I really want to continue doing this? (at this point I should make a plea for money, yes?) 
I suppose I could lay the blame on my physical and mental problems. This would be an open and honest assessment but I have no doubt some will take issue with even that.
Every post I write requires a great deal of physical exertion and mental focus. Writing is no longer easy for me. That is why it is so disheartening when a post is not well received or it used by people to advance their own agenda. I feel like my effort was wasted.
I am not sure what to do…..write this post, go watch the end of the Daytona 500, take a bunch of pain meds and muscle relaxers, and get to tomorrow. I know I won’t feel any better tomorrow but maybe I will have another whiff of energy and mental wellbeing and I will try, try again.
I am not going anywhere. I am not quitting. I am just being open and honest…………that is all I know to do.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
As always, thank you for reading.
Bruce
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