At the age of 54 my mom put a gun to her chest and pulled the trigger. The bullet tore a hole in her heart and in a few moments she was dead.
Mom tried to kill herself many times before.
One day my dad had to call for an emergency squad. Mom had taken several bottles of prescription drugs.They pumped her stomach at the emergency room and she survived to die another day.
When I was 11 my mom slit her wrists. When I came home from school I found her unconscious, lying in a pool of blood. Once again, the emergency squad came, and her life was saved.
My mom had mental problems her entire life. She was a bright, witty , well-read woman who could, in a moment, lapse into angry, incoherent tirades. She spent time in the State Mental Hospital, undergoing shock therapy numerous times.
During my mom’s last stay in the State Mental Hospital my dad got wind that my siblings and I were living alone so he packed up his 1960 Dodge truck and drove from Arizona to Ohio to get us. When my mom got out of the hospital she came home to an empty house. I can only imagine what effect this had on her. (my dad had taken all her food stamps too)
In the early 1960’s my parents found Jesus. Jesus may have healed the mentally ill in the Bible but he didn’t heal m mom. Now she was a saved lunatic.
Mom was quite talented. She played the piano and loved to do ceramics. Her real passion was reading, a habit she passed on to me. She was active in politics, working for the Ohio George Wallace campaign. (my parents were members of the John Birch Society)
My parents divorced when I was 14 . Not long after the divorce my mother married her first cousin. He later died of a drug overdose. She would marry two more times before she died. Mom was quite passionate about anything she fixed her mind on, a trait that for good or ill I share. In the early 1970’s mom was an aide at Winebrenner Nursing Home. Winebrenner’s paid men more than they paid women for the same work. She sued Winebrenner’s under the Equal Pay Act and the Civil Rights Act. The Federal Court decided in her favor. My mom the crusader.
We moved quite often and I have no doubt this contributed greatly to my mom’s mental illness. She never knew what it was to have a place to call home.Our family lived in one rental after another. As far as I know neither of my parents ever owned their own home. I lived in 16 different houses by the time I left for college at the age of 19.
I have always wondered if my parents were ever happily married. My mom married my dad in 1957. She was 18 and pregnant. (there is some doubt about whether or not my Dad is my biological father) My parents were well-meaning but the instability of their marriage, coupled with us moving all the time, caused my siblings and I great harm. Dad thought moving all the time was a great experience. Little did he know I hated him for moving us around. New schools. New friends.
From the time I was 6 until I was 14 my parents were faithful members of a Baptist Church in whatever community we lived in. We went to Church 3 times a week. My mother would play the piano from time to time though this stressed her out and I remember her, more than once, having a mental meltdown in front of the whole church. For a time my Dad was a deacon, but after awhile he felt guilty about being a deacon while still smoking so he quit the deaconate.
No matter where we lived, no matter what church we went to, one thing was certain, my Mom was mentally ill and everyone pretended her illness didn’t exist. Churches have their fair share of people with mental illness but , for the most part, people who are sick in the head are ignored or marginalized.
I pastored a church in San Antonio, Texas in 1994. One day we were at a Church fellowship and my wife came around the corner just in time to hear one of the esteemed ladies of the church say to her daughter, “ you stay away from that girl, she is mentally retarded.” That girl was was our 5 year old Down Syndrome daughter. This outstanding church member’s words pretty well sums up how many churches treat those with mental handicaps or illness. STAY AWAY from them.
There are Christians in every church who think mental illness is a sign of demonic oppression or possession. Any quick search of the internet will find plenty of God fearing, God loving Christians who believe this . No need for doctors, drugs, or hospitals, just come to Jesus, the great physician and he will heal you. After all, the Bible says God gives his people a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
I have suffered with depression most of my adult life. I am on the mountaintop one moment and in the valley the next. Plagued with a Type A personality and being a consummate work-a-holic often drove me to despair. Work. Work Work. Go. Go. Go. Do. Do. Do. I have no doubt the way I lived my life as a Christian contributed to the health problems that now plague me. While I was busy burning the candle on both ends for Jesus, my body was screaming STOP! But I didn’t listen. No time for family, no time for rest, no time for pleasure. Work for the night is coming. Better to burn out for Jesus than rust out.
I hid my depression. (to the outside world. My wife and children saw my depression first hand) Several years ago, I told a pastor friend that I was really depressed. Instead of lending me a helping hand or encouraging me, he rebuked me for giving in to the attack of Satan. He told me I needed to confess my sin and get the victory over it immediately. A lot of Christians think like this (former) pastor friend of mine. Depression is a sign of weakness and God wants warriors and winners.
Going to see a counselor was the single most important thing I have done in the last 10 years. It took me leaving the ministry and leaving Christianity before I was willing to find someone to talk to.Over the years I made appointment with counselors several times only to cancel the appointments at the last minute. I feared someone would see me going into the counselor’s office or they would drive by and see my car in the parking lot. I thought, My God, I am a pastor. I am supposed to have my life together.
It took leaving the church , the pastorate, and God to find any semblance of mental peace. I have no doubt some readers will object to the connection I make between religion and mental wellness but, for me, there was indeed a connection.
Depression still haunts me, but with regular counseling and a slower pace of life I am confident that I can live a meaningful life. As many of you know I suffer from a neurological condition that keeps me in pain all the time. I have not had a pain free day in years.The constant pain and debility certainly leads me to depression from time to time. My counselor says he would be surprised if I wasn’t depressed from time to time. It is a normal human response. Embracing my depression and coming to grips with my pain and debility is absolutely essential to my mental wellbeing. My life is what it is. There is no God that is going to deliver me. No miracle drugs or treatments. This is my life. I am who I am.
To my Christian friends…….sitting near you in Church this Sunday there will be people who are suffering with mental illness. Maybe they are depressed. They hide it because they think they have to. Jesus only wants winners, remember? Pay attention to other people. The signs are there. Listen to them. Embrace them in the midst of their psychosis. I don’t think Jesus is going to heal them but I do think that loving, understanding humans can be just the salvation the mentally ill need.
It is not easy being around those who are mentally ill. Let’s face it, depressed people are not fun to be with. When I am in the midst of a period of depression I am not the kind of person most people want to be around. I become withdrawn, cynical, and dark. When coupled with the physical pain I endure I can be unbearable to be around. Far too often, when I need help the most, people pull away from me.. I understand WHY they do so, I really do. I tend to do the same when confronted with people who are mentally ill. Who wants to be around a nut case?
How do you respond to those who are mentally ill? How do you respond to those who are depressed? Perhaps you suffer with mental illness or depression.Do you hide it? How are you treated by others? If you are a Christian, how are you treated by the Church and your pastor?
With all you went through growing up, I’d be surprised if you weren’t depressed and full of other issues as well.
I’m sure it was a long time ago, but I’m sorry for what happened to your mom. What a shame that she did not have access to any kind of help.
I have a generalized anxiety disorder.
Do I hide the fact that I’m on medication? (I’ve been off and on for 20 years or so,)
Sometimes. Depends on the circumstances. Does the fact that I’m anxious cause me to be unpredictable, unable to hold a job, any of the stereotypes? No.
My father suffers from depression and anxiety and other things that are not officially diagnosed. He’s a frightening person, and I carefully controlled the times he was allowed around my kids while they were growing up.
We went for family counseling a short time before I ran away from home. When the counselor asked us why we were there, my dad said, “We’re here because there’s something wrong with my whole family. Not one of them is normal.”
I agree with Ami; with your childhood, it would be a miracle if you were free of issues. Funny thing about all that moving around you did. When I was in school, I always thought the new kids who came from somewhere else were interesting and exotic.
I once had a neighbor who was terribly hurt when her fellow Sunday school classmates heard she was seeing a psychiatrist and some of them said a Christian shouldn’t need a psychiatrist. Like you, she had issues from her upbringing.
At one time I ran the children’s floor of a public library at night. This brings an unexpected mix of people. Not just children, but mentally handicapped adults, and those who teach children. I am not a person who fears or looks down on the mentally handicapped, but I confess they make me uncomfortable in some way I can’t quite explain. There’s something about the direct stare and sometimes brutally frank conversation that makes me feel almost as if they think I am less than bright.
I have Schizotypal Personality Disorder (it’s on the schizophrenia spectrum) plus Asperger’s Syndrome (high functioning autism). Throughout my life I have had to deal with hallucinations — both visual and auditory. I hid this part of me from people until this year. It used to lead to terrible bouts of depression because I knew these things I was seeing and hearing weren’t real, but I can’t make them go away!
Because I hid this aspect of myself from others, a lot of folks couldn’t understand WHY I suffered from bouts of depression. All they knew was that, when I was depressed, they needed to stay far away from me.
While I still experience the hallucinations, they rarely lead to depression anymore. I think, in my case, I simply accepted that this is part of me and I just have to deal with it as best I can.
I spent so many years being the “model” teen, the 1 Tim 3 pastor, the “Christian” husband and parent, that who I was got lost. I could never acknowledge that I had depression. Instead, I was called “moody”. Of course the religious group I was a part of considered depression weakness, demonic oppression or sin.
It is liberating to actually embrace who I am. This doesn’t mean I can just act any way I want or do anything I want but it does allow me a sense of freedom and satisfaction since I no longer have to try to be someone, something I am not.
I have been very fortunate in never having really suffered from depression. My health does cause me to be down sometimes, but if anything, it’s flattened my moods even more to the point that I just can’t quite work myself into being depressed even if I try. Go figure.
My husband was brought up with a chronically depressed father. My father in law, in his late 80′s, is still depressed. He’s chose to turn his mental illness into something he uses to manipulate and further abuse people. Naturally, my husband bears the scars of being brought up in a house where this went on. I think when people are brought up in dysfunction, they have a hard time developing the coping skills that ward off depression for the rest of us. I see it in my husband from time to time. It’s just so easy for him to fall into it. It’s like a natural response. It’s better now than it used to be…I’ve sort of conditioned him away from it. But, it’s still there.
My husband is a paramedic. I hear many of the stories of the mentally ill he’s treated. Some of them are pretty harrowing. The suicides leave me thinking that I cannot imagine the mental suffering that the person must have been operating under. I can’t imagine any illness being worse.
Wow, what a process of life you lived as a child then continuing into adulthood.
I can relate, on a limited level. My mom went through shock treatments and was institutionalized in the early 60s (and afterwards too..her last rounds of shock treatments were in the 90s). I found her when she tried to commit suicide (via pills), but I was in my 30s at the time. [Hmm...I was a believer then - months before her attempt I sat with a gun beside me contemplating the same. At that time I concluded the devil spirits had gone from me to her. Ouch. (It interested here's a memoir piece regarding that incident: http://tossandripple.blogspot.com/2009/07/on-sofa-beside-me.html ).]
I too contribute my mental health (illness) in part to a toxic fundamentalist mindset which suppresses emotion. My suppression then came out as physical illness….severe asthma, with an over-responsive immune system, CFS, and other stuff. Thankfully, in process and leaving the belief system, I’m healthier now at almost 53 than I was in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I’m thankful each day I can breathe and walk.
I began to understand depression when I was a believer…I had to in order to survive. The one thing that kept me from committing suicide was my children; I couldn’t leave them with the legacy that their mom committed suicide.
At the risk of my comment sounding self-promotional…here is another link. It is to my “health” story if any readers are interested.
http://tossandripple.blogspot.com/2011/08/healing-soul-healing-body.html
I guess I share the links here to parts of my story because it’s easier than trying to share in a comment. Hope that’s ok.
Thanks for sharing Bruce!!
To life,
~Carol
Thanks Carol!
I am a new reader to this blog. I suffer from depression and have for years. Last November, I went off of my anti-depressant (Wellbutrin) due to some new information. I feel that I have suffered from thyroid and adrenal issues. Many of us that suffer from depression have parents or a parent who suffered as well. That was my case. And their parents, and so on. So life was not easy for me, same as I read in the above blog post – life was not easy for the writer. What that does to our adrenals … and then we need adrenal highs to do anything, coming from coffee, or any kind of excitement at all.
Anyhow, Wellbutrin made my hands shake, and in my research on adrenal fatigue (which had come to my attention somehow) I questioned in my mind “what if the Wellbutrin is doing further damage to my adrenals?” So with some consideration, I went of, and onto a bunch of supplements – including Rhodiola which some others who had success going off of Wellbutrin had mentioned. See, I had tried countless times over the last 20 years to go off Wellbutrin, and beat depression using exercise, nutrition, you name it.
Anyhow, the supplements that were particularly named to heal the adrenals seemed to help immensely, and I was even saying to my husband all the time “I am SO happy!” No Wellbutrin, no caffeine. YES, B vitamins (BComplex), Pantethine, adaptogens like Rhodiola … BUT, after some time I began forgetting to take the supplements. Hello depression.
So this is where I am at right now … I have to stay away from sugar, and that is hard. I have to have green vegetables, and I drink kefir regularly, along with kombucha tea. These fermented foods help with candida, and NUTRITIONALLY there is so much we can do for ourselves. BUT it is so hard when you are depressed. Heck, it is hard when you’re not depressed to keep up with a bunch of “shoulds.” When I am taking the BComplex regularly, my sleep evens out (I don’t wake up at 2 or 3 am). That helps in so many ways.
But the other option is to pay the piper in having all the joy sucked out of your life.
Anyhow, just saying how much I can relate. I wrote a blog post recently on a particularly dark day. http://homeschoolblogger.com/pattycake/783166/
So off I go to take my BComplex and pantethine, and all the other supplements I am trying to remember to take. If anybody is interested in further research on adrenal fatigue, this is where I began my research: http://www.drrind.com/therapies/metabolic-scorecard
We aren’t all the same, but if anything here helps, I’m glad. I’m still finding my way through this.
Wow Bruce, so sorry about your mom, how hard that must have been for you and other family members to cope with. It is terrible how christianity especially the IFB (I too was raised in) chalks that up as demon possession/oppression and rails against real phychiatric help for those who suffer terribly with mental illness and the awefull stigma attached to it, ie., crazy, self pity, nuts, demon possession and so forth only exacerbates the existing problems for mentally sick individuals. Who wants to be labled that way? Not even those mentally well can bare that “reputation”.
My brother at the age of 16 committed suicide, of course he had problems, it was evident in his behaviour. The abusive dysfunctional home coupled with IFB forced fed BS was the cause of his mental illness possibly even a chemical imbalance as well. He was never treated for behavioral and mental health.
After his death and many times being told by dad that brother was demon possessed but in heaven (totally not “accepted belief”) which only furthered my own confusion and difficult perception of reality. I struggled for years to properly perceive the reality of most things due to the family dysfunction, abuse, neglect and IFB brainwashing which I strictly willingly adhered to my entire life until last year when my faith crumbled.
For most of my adult life, due to IFB teaching I was forced to believe that my brother was in hell which was incredibly difficult for me to accept, I rarely thought or spoke of him as my way of coping. Reality smacked me after deconverting that this was just dads way of coping with his own guilt, far be it for him how much this alone has affected mom, my siblings and myself.
I would like to say “praise god” that I no longer believe the delusional beliefs of christianity, but those just aren’t the right words for it. The liberating feeling of being an unbeliever has enabled me to have mental clarity as I have undergone a healing phase of putting past circumstances into proper perspectives and learning things unheard of in the IFB community that most certainly would change the way I perceive and handle present challenges.
Almost a month ago, something was devestatingly wrong with my daughter, a young married lady with a baby who lived very far away from us for the past nearly 3 years. I get a call from her husband who basically said she can not stay there anymore and would I take the baby due to her being out of control. My daughter was hanging out with men she recently met all night “who understood her”. She changed so fast and drastically as she never was one to make friends readily and easily. She was what I learned later, manic. We got the baby and her home and to the hospital, she has been diagnosed bipolar. Her refusal to accept and take meds makes this very challenging and difficult to deal with. She is now in the hospital again in less than a month time. Something new I had to learn about and deal with, scary shit I tell ya. It’s difficult, exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically…..for all of us especially me as others have already quickly shut her out and will not deal with her. With my newfound nonbelief, learning about mental illness has been my game plan. If this had happened early last year, I would have been exercizing demons unsuccefully no doubt and looking for the open door the demons came through instead of helping her get real help.
I still believe that lifes circumstances, social environment, personal choices, abuse (all forms) beliefs, brainwahsing, mental confusion, lies by self and others and mixed messages from others who say “I love you” but their action speak otherwise all have a role in these mental/behavioral dissorders. I am not regarding genetics or predeposition to mental disorders and what they call chemical imbalance or misfiring in the brain as invalid. For now, medicine and counseling are in order for her to regain self control.
I learned to have an open mind as I don’t fear now learning new things contrary to former beliefs because I trust myself to decide with reason and logic to form my own conclusion in any given matter. This is not something one who is brainwashed or have a biased one sided belief can do without sever anxieties.
I have more compassion than ever before for mentally ill individuals because I see first hand how my daughter is further harmed mentally and emotionally by the actions of her friends and family who choose to ignore and avoid her, rejection for the person who more than ever needs love, support and guidance though no easy task for sure and personal perception and beliefs plays a role in how they choose to help or hurt.
I apologized for the way people act, however the ones that make fun of the people with mental illness in the church have issues of their own. They are possessed with demonic activity and they are not living the life that Jesus instructed us to live. He said when you have done unto the least of them you have done unto me. Jesus always showed love to the unfortunate. As for you, I am so sorry about your relationship with Jesus because he is the healer. If you would of read his word and had a secure relationship with him by letting go of all the pain and deciet in your life you would have the experience of recieving healing. The devil is allowing you to embrace the pain in your life because Jesus instructed that our bodies were healed if we trust and believe in him and stood on his word regardless of the circumstances. If we allow Jesus to be our rock our lives would be so much better because the Devil comes to steal kill and destroy. So the more he can keep you blaming Jesus instead of putting the devil under your feet which states in the bible God has given us the ability to tread upon snakes and scorpians and tell satan to get thee behind me. We have the victory. I am going to pray for you. Father God, I thank you for this indiviual whom has stated his case. I cry out to you because I know that you are our healer and I thank you for healing his mind, soul and body. Reveal yourself to him and forgive him for all his sins. Put someone in his path to bring him back to you sweet comforter. I love you always Jesus. Amen. Be encouraged and run back to Jesus while there is still chance because he loves you. Be blessed in knowing God is God. Passing on the love of Jesus from me to you.
*sigh*
Sorry, but the best thing I ever did was letting go of Jesus. No Jesus, Devil, curses, etc to deal with. Just life, as it is.
Bruce, thanks for sharing your real story. Christianity (church, beliefs, followers, pastors) for me has been a mind trip. I continue to believe in God, but not the Jesus promoted by the organized church. I finally felt relief and freedom when I decided not to go to church anymore. My family has also been deeply touched by mental health issues, and we support each other’s suffering and healing processes. I cannot abide superficial Christian platitudes.
Lynne.
I empathize,Bruce. I’ve battled depression since I was a teenager and I’m now almost 60. After several nervous breakdowns, I finally got medical and psychological help. Turns out that my depression is a physical problem. After numerous tests, it was determined that my brain does not manufacture the proper neurotransmitter chemicals to operate properly. I’ve been on Prozac and Xanax for about 20 years now. As long as I take my meds, I am fine, but without them I turn into the Psycho Warbitch from Hell. Two bounts of counseling helped shake the emotional issues out of my noggin, too.
For many years, we went to a church, I had severe depression… I sat there week after week, month after month. Feeling hopeless, physically pained, and sometimes feeling nothing at all, just like a non existent sub human…. seeing hypocracy all around me in that church….deacons swindling money in one instance and in another telling others they couldn’t be members coz they couldn’t remember the exact date of their salvation… Sunday school teachers telling girls that it was Tamar’s fault she was raped because she enticed her abuser… And how they should dress modestly to protect themselves from the same fate…. I was tricked into giving up my church membership when I fell pregnant before I was married. the pastor told everyone at church meeting that I did not want to accept church discipline, & was unwilling to repent, which was false… On the phone before the church meeting, he called me with his wife secretly listening in… Together they told a bare faced lie about me, and had me excommunicated…… Before all this, no body even cared about me…. Just another body warming a pew… when I got pregnant EVERYBODY CARED THEN….. What a horrible, evil, person, & not a good example for the preteens at church…. After we were married by my uncle (because no other pastor wanted to marry a rebellious teen and her boyfriend), we went to this church where i was asked one day in the foyer “how are you?” To which I replied “feeling pretty awful, not great”, the other person said “that’s nice” and turned and shook the hand of the next person behind me…. Yes, some churches ave a lot to be desired, and a lot to be held accountable for……
Thank you for sharing your story. It adds an important perspective to this subject.
If I can be of help, please let me know.
I felt a need to share my story, there are many churches & “Christians” who just have no idea, absolutely clueless, & even seem to take great delight in tearing others down….you can almost see their self-satisfied smirks when they see how much you struggle with life, bringing up kids, & the general drudgery of just living one hopeless day to the next….. Now I feel a need to make a confession….& I truly hope I don’t rock the boat by saying I have since found a church who loves & accepts me just as I am…..crazy, angry, and all…..I still claim Jesus… but I understand your stance & I accept it….. And I accept you, too….I think in life you need to surround yourself with people who love & care for you…. People who build you up instead of tearing you down….I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to leave this church if it meant a compromise of me and my family…. I wish you all the best….. I am sorry the church hurt & abused you….