Or Sunday School Teacher Bob? Or Bus Worker Bob? Or Youth Worker Bob? Or Grandpa Bob? Or just plain old Bob?
Every Church has one.
They are a hugger. They love to get up and close to people, especially young girls and women.
They are considered the “friendly” type.
Over the years I have pastored a few Bob’s and I have observed numerous others in churches I visited.
Are these Bob’s just kind, overtly friendly men, harmless, and anyone who suggests otherwise has a dirty mind?
Perhaps.
I am quite the cynic these days. That’s what happens when you hear story after story about Bob’s, wonderful, love Jesus Bob’s, who are suspected of or caught abusing a young girl or woman.
Church members are quite naïve. Surely Deacon Bob would NEVER do anything inappropriate. Sunday School Bob has taught the Junior class for 25 years. Bus Worker Bob spends hours every Saturday visiting the kids on his bus route. He LOVES his kids. Youth Worker Bob has been helping with the Youth for, well, it seems like forever. Grandpa Bob has grandkids. Surely, any man with grandkids can be trusted, right?
Perhaps a hug is just a hug. But, perhaps it is not. How can you tell the difference? Must we stand around and watch the Bob’s carefully to see if they are sexually aroused? What if they have learned to control their arousal in public?
All I am saying is this….when a man in the church, who is not the person’s blood relative, starts hugging on them and acting overtly friendly, at the very least, someone should be paying attention. Misplaced trust can have tragic consequences.
Personally, I think a handshake greeting among people who are not related is quite enough. In times of sorrow and grief I suppose hugging might be in order. Granted, I am not a big hugger. Outside of my family and a few close friends, I don’t do much hugging and I don’t like to be hugged, so I am well aware of the danger of projecting my personal preference on this post.
How about you? Have you had any experience with a hugging Bob? Or maybe a hugging Sally? (a much rarer species)
Yes. Only his name was Wayne. Wayne, of the polyester leisure suit, blow dried hair and roving hands. Wayne who eventually went to prison for butt humping his own grandson. But evidently he’d done it to his daughters, too.
That little tidbit came out during the trial.
When I told my mom he’d put his hand on my leg under my dress during our church service (Wayne liked to have the kids sit with him during church while his wife Mrs. Wayne played the piano) my mom said, “Oh I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it. He’s a very nice man.”
Most of us learned to just avoid Wayne. None of our parents thought there was anything funny about him at all.
He was a church elder. With grandchildren. And his wife played the piano. And he prayed really well at potlucks.
Good old Wayne.
Bruce, I sure have, and my family had to watch their church kick him out. Apparently he would demand the kids for hugs and say “if you don’t give me a hug I’ll be very upset” or words along those lines. Got so bad that kids started to hide in bathrooms to avoid him. He was nice man, but he was a bit impetuous and easily offended. We didn’t think he was a pedophile, but we actually thought he was gay. We might never know now…but would we want to?
We had a church elder who would have the young people over at his house. He abused one small girl violently and repeatedly. No consequences. He was a nice man. Well, nice to parents or in front of parents or with anyone who might tell their parents.
I am a hugger, but I know never to force or guilt someone into physical contact. If my kids don’t want a bedtime hug, they don’t get one. To me, teaching a child their boundaries don’t need to be respected is a form of abuse that can lead to vulnerability. Our culture is a little lacking in healthy physical affection, but anyone who pushes it needs to be flagged, whether they are ignorant or dangerous.
This church elder wasn’t a hugger, come to think about it. But he was convinced he was always right.