We all know about pain. Pain is our body saying to us that something is not right or we better stop doing what we are doing. Few people get through life without having times of severe pain. Like it or not, pain comes with the “being human” package. No matter how hard we try to avoid pain, pain hunts us down like a beagle after a rabbit, and try as we might to avoid it, we still have pain.
As we age, pain becomes more prominent. We wake up in the morning and our muscles and joints are stiff. When we “overdo” our body lets us know. Gone are the days of doing what we want, when we want, with few physical consequences.
As a fifty-five year old man, I have the normal pains of an aging man, and then some. It is the “then some” that dominates my life day after day. I have what doctors call chronic pain. There is not a day or a moment when I am not in pain. (except when I sleep)
Some of the chronic pain I have is related to the “sins” of my youth. I played basketball, baseball, and softball until l was in my early thirties. I have had more sprained ankles and twisted knees than I can count. I have had fluid drained from my knee twice, and since I981 I have had a chronic problem with my knees. One surgeon told me to stop playing basketball unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life crawling up the stairs to the bedroom. I have successfully held off the surgeons for thirty years, choosing to live with the off-on pain in my knees.
I have sprained or twisted most every joint on my body. I no longer play competitive sports. I am reduced to cussing at the TV as I watch my favorite sports teams. However, I am often reminded of my sports playing days as I move around the house. Arthritis has taken up residence in my knees, feet, ankles, and hands. Such is the price I must pay for playing sports decades ago.
The reason (s) for my chronic pain remains a mystery to my doctors. My medical chart says Fibromyalgia and unknown neurological condition. (MS-like symptoms) The chart also says I have high blood pressure and Type II diabetes.
From head to toes, my muscles and joints hurt. A dull, aching pain, not unlike the pain felt after a long day of working in the garden or cutting firewood. Throughout the day I will get sharp stabbing pain in various places on my body. It just happens, with no connection to anything I am doing at the moment.
From time to time my skin nerve endings will become hyper-sensitive. When this happens I can’t stand being touched. I recently had to move the recliner I sit in. The grandchildren love to go racing through the living room and inadvertently they bump into my chair. These “bumps” are excruciating for me when my nerve endings are hyper-sensitive. Kids are kids, so I moved the chair out of runway.
Along with chronic pain, I have numbness in my thighs, hands, and face. Again, unexplained. If I go to town and walk in the store, the numbness in my thighs and face, after 10 minutes of walking, becomes a burning numbness. Quite painful. (I have had this numbness for years, long before I was diagnosed with diabetes)
Twenty or so years ago, I was hospitalized for mononucleosis, the kissing disease for teenagers, a sickness most teens quickly recover from. I was thirty-four when I came down with mono and it proved to be deadly. My doctor, a good man, treated me for several months for what he thought was some sort of infection. (I had a lot of problems with throat infections) It never dawned on him to test for mono. By the time the test for mono was done I was very sick, and two days later my wife rushed me to the emergency room.
My immune system was on the verge of collapsing. My liver and spleen were swollen and my tonsils and adenoids were pure white from the infection. My body was trying to fight off the infection but it was losing. The internist in charge of my case told Polly and I that unless my immune system turned around there was little he could for me.
Fortunately, my immune system recovered and I survived the mono. I didn’t preach for two months and I lost over fifty pounds. The mono altered my normal body temperature, dropping it to 97.0 degrees. (a source of constant irritation when the doctor’s nurse ignores me when I say a 99.0 degree reading is a fever for me)
I am of the opinion that the mono altered my immune system and the problems I face today can be traced back to the mono. I have no empirical proof for this, no slam-dunk test result, but my overall health problems are consistent with autoimmune disease.
All I know is this, after tens of thousands of dollars spent on tests and countless visits to specialists and my primary care physician, I have a life dominated by chronic pain. I am on a daily regimen of muscle relaxers, anti-spasmodics, NSAIDS, and narcotic pain medicines. Without these medicines, it would be impossible to physically and mentally function in any meaningful way.
People who are in good health or who do not have chronic pain often have misconceptions about people who have chronic pain.
Many people think that if you take narcotic pain medications you are “pain free,” but all that pain medications do is break the pain cycle and reduce the pain. Usually this breaking of the pain cycle brings great relief, even if it is only for a short while. Most chronic pain sufferers have a roller coaster relationship with pain.
I have been asked more than a few times if I am afraid of becoming an addict. The short answer is no. Am I physically dependent on the medicines I take? Yes, but an addict? No. (the difference between addiction and dependency)
Chronic pain has profoundly changed how I look at other people. When I was young and healthy, I had little sympathy for those suffering from chronic illnesses. I thought they just needed to put mind over matter or just pray so God would give them the strength necessary to do all the things God I wanted them to do.
My Mom spent the last ten years of her life as an invalid. Her life was a mixture of legitimate, serious medical problems and problems resulting from being a prescription pill addict. She suffered greatly and I fully understand why she decided to end her life at age fifty-four.
As her son, a healthy, strapping, physically active man, I had little sympathy for my Mom’s suffering. All I saw was her addiction and her disobedience to God. My heart remains broken to this day over my ill-treatment of my Mom. She deserved better from her oldest son.
Funny thing about karma, payback being a bitch, whatever you want to call it. Now that I have to deal with the chronic pain and debility that comes from the Fibromyalgia and neurological problems I have, I am much more sympathetic towards the suffering of others. Now that I am part of the club, I u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d.
Years ago, I preached a “hard” sermon about raising teenagers and how “good” Christian parents should raise their teenagers. After the sermon, a man came up to me and said, you might want to wait to preach sermons like this until you have raised teenagers of your own. At the time, I blew the man off, but, as an old man now, I know how right this man was. Best to defer our judgments about others until we have walked in their shoes.
So it is for those who have chronic illnesses. Over the years, well-intentioned family, friends and acquaintances have said to me:
- You can do anything you want to do. (no, really I can’t)
- Just put mind over matter (one of the dumber things people say)
- Come on Bruce, if you just go here or do this you will feel better. (and they know this how?)
- Oh look, you are out and about today. You must be feeling better now. (no, I am just putting mind over matter)
- My fifties were the best years of my life. (good for you. they are not for me)
- If you just eat __________ or take ____________ your pain/illness will be cured.
- Have you read Dr. So and So’s book? If you read Dr. So and So’s book and do exactly what he says you will be cured.
Inherent to these kind of well-intentioned offers of advice is the notion that whatever a person has wrong with them can be fixed. It is assumed that the doctors are wrong and the patient is ill-informed. (and that they KNOW better than everyone else) This is especially true with people who are proponents of alternative medicine. They are convinced that if I will just eschew the medical profession and go see a homeopath, iridologist,herbalist, acupuncturist, or chiropractor,put magnets in my shoes, or take this supplement I will be cured. (and I am not necessarily against all non-traditional treatment)
I am glad to hear of new treatments. However, I give little credence to anecdotal stories about people being healed. When considering a new treatment, I want to look at empirical evidence for the efficacy of the new treatment. I want to see double-blind studies and the like. And even then, I am not going to let Dr. Internet be my doctor.
When I find promising new treatments (and they are far and few between) I gather up the relevant information and my doctor and I talk about it. Over the years, I have tried numerous different drugs based on the above process. Most of them did not work and others, as in the case of Lyrica, worked but had side effects severe enough to outweigh the benefit gained by using the drug.
Chronic illness is often a complex mixture of problems. I recently saw an orthopedic doctor about my hands. He told me I have multiple fires burning and we would need to put the fires out one by one in order to get down to the root problem with my hands. This is a pretty good explanation for the problems people with chronic illness face…multiple fires.
Sometimes, putting out one fire causes an unexpected fire to break out somewhere else. Drug side effects are a huge problem for people with chronic illnesses. A drug fixes one problem but causes another. (i.e. taking blood pressure medication reduces my potassium levels, so I have to take a potassium supplement)
I wrote this post in hopes of educating the healthy and encouraging the sick. I know that some of the readers of this blog suffer with chronic pain and chronic illness. I want them to know I understand. I offer no advice, no magic cure. All I can do is say I understand. And that’s all most people with chronic illness want from others. They want to know that their family and friends understand.
Feel free to share your own experience with chronic pain and illness in the comments.
Have you tried praying about it?
Thanks, Mike.
I am going to try this tonight. I will let you know how it works out. 
On a s-e-r-i-o-u-s note…I prayed thousands of prayers asking for healing, deliverance, strength, etc. Not one answer from the man upstairs other than silence. Either prayer is a scam or I was doing something wrong. Oh wait, I never was a r-e-a-l Christian. 
Oh, goodness, Mike! Are you really that headstrong that you had to suggest that?
Mike is an atheist friend of mine. Inside joke.
Bruce, I have something that’s listed in my medical charts as “Unknown Immune System Disorder” for over six years now and yes, I get everyone trying to tell me stuff like ‘take colodial silver and you’ll heal’ or ‘go see Dr So n So’ not realizing that my doctor is a critical care doctor for people with rather strange illnesses. My illness drives chronic pain, severe asthma that used to land me in ICU, Colitis, nerve pain, I’m careful about where I go because I’m allergic to many chemicals, peoples colognes, cigarette smoke, cleansers, you name it. My life is all about maintenance of symptoms and listening to my body. Very few people ‘get’ it, certainly not my husband’s family in rural Indiana that could not understand why I was hiding in the basement huffing my nebulizer on a 100 degree day. My husband routinely demands I find a doctor that will ‘cure’ me when NIH, Hopkins and Mayo couldn’t even come up with a name for my ills. I am on the treatment of last chance for my asthma, there is no other treatment now that I’m allergic to about 90 percent of traditional asthma drugs.
I am convinced that mine is due to a major flood I was in. My daughter and I both have had immune system problems ever since.
Calulu,
Thanks for sharing your story. Sadly, a lot of people of the notion that everything can be fixed. As a pastor, I came in regular contact with sick and dying people. Rarely, did any of them think they were beyond “fixing.” Just around the next corner was a cure, they thought. Everyone that was dying? They died.
I am a pessimist but I try to be realistic about how life is. No matter how I might want life to be, this is how my life is and I have to live with that. I am fine with this. I just wish others were. (and fortunately my wife understands)
I am one of those patients who educates himself about the problems he has. When my doctor prescribes a drug I don’t just go home and take it. I take to the internet and read about the drug. I want to know everything I can about. I do the same with tests, treatments, and procedures. I try to be as knowledgeable as possible. My sister is a RN, cardiac care. When I have questions I call her. I do everything I can to be proactive and informed.
All the above doesn’t “fix” me but it doesn’t me I am an informed sick.
I hate to sound like a wuss but it does suck to have sudden weird pains from out of nowhere. They aren’t stable. My hips were really bugging me for a couple years but now it isn’t too often. I cannot overdo or I am tired as all get out and also in pain. Sometimes I get odd tender spots on different parts of my skin. Like I say, I don’t want to make this into a major big deal because I am fortunate to actually be pretty healthy but…it does suck big time sometimes.
I call my pains disco pains since they seem to dance around my body from place to place.
I was having a lot of icy burning in my legs and feet for years. I finally started taking a multi B vitamin and I actually feel much better. I know doctors say that that doesn’t help people with B vitamin deficiency but I swear it has helped with some issues. My gut, my eye and such were twitching and that has stopped and I don’t have nearly as many weird leg/feet feelings. I can’t guarantee it is the B vitamins but I stopped taking them for awhile and the symptoms started coming back. I simply kept forgetting but I am going to guess that it might have been 2 or 3 months. I started back on them when I realized that might be the the issue and did better after a couple of weeks.
I still feel fortunate that I am doing pretty good and I still think I get a lot done but I really appreciate the opportunity to vent once in awhile. I am still just taking aspirin or ibuprofen and stopped trying to get doctors to understand although I like my current Physicians Assistant and would go see her if I really started feeling totally crappy.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I was severely b12 deficient. It took three years to get my level up and now they are well above normal. Did it make a difference. I don’t know but, hey, no more b12 flag on my test results.
Every person’s physical difficulties is personal to them. I try never to judge others by my own experiences. MY wife is quite healthy, rarely has any pain at all. When she has a pain or strain it is major to her. I have to laugh sometimes, comparing how things are for me, BUT, pain and suffering are relative to the individual. (and I do sympathize with her when she has pains because she sure as hell sympathizes with mine)
Yeah, I have heard all of the same stupid “remedies” from friends & family as well, bro. And, after awhile, you just get weary of it.
I have lived with untreated pain in my arms for several years now. I try not to discuss it – even my doctor pooh-poohed it for a couple years until he was diagnosed with unremitting MS. When some of my friends talk about their pain issues, I shut up and sympathize but keep my advise to myself.
Depression is the worst; when you are young and appear physically healthy and normal, people tend to totally discredit the fact that you can’t get out of bed, that you are too mentally exhausted to shower or eat or even watch TV. They see it as a weakness of character. They get frustrated with you after a time, and try to cajole you into getting out, going shopping, exercising, etc., not realizing what an effort it is to even just brush your teeth. During my 3-year depression, in my 20′s, I still went to work every day, but the strain of trying to act “normal” when I felt like dying was too much. I had been on 4 differnt antidepressants, and the side effects were awful for me (for instance, wellbutrin gave me seizures.). I was also seeing a therapist, and even she did not understand my depression. I grasped at every piece of advice, exercised my brains out, ate every bit of organic, high-vitamin supplement recommended to me, read all the books, thinking, “If I were just a stronger person, I could beat this thing!” Ha. No. After 6 years and two suicide attempts, in my 30′s the depression just magically went away. I mean MAGICALLY. It disappeared. I have no idea why. I’m 37 now, and have that niggling feeling of panic every now and then, thinking, “What if it comes back?” I want to have children very badly, but I am too terrified of the depression coming back. When people ask me, “Why don’t you have kids?”, I just tell them “I can’t”, when really I want to beat them to a pulp for even asking.
I always found all those “Think happy thoughts” people to really be annoying and in Christian circles it was always because of sin or the devil. I was just ‘not trusting in God’ to address my depression.
The medications made the difference since my problem was relatively simple. I was extremely lucky, once the chemical balance in my brain was established I suddenly felt normal and the depression lifted. Praise Science!
I had a well-known local pastor email me to tell me that the only reason I was sick was because I didn’t have enough faith. I told a long-time pastor friend that I was depressed and that my health problems depressed me even more. He rebuked me and told me I needed to stop letting the Devil have an influence over me. I just needed to have faith, trust God more.
I have come to see this as another type of the blame the human, give God the glory game. It is my fault I am sick. The God who created me and has all the power gets a pass because we dare not question how God does what he does. If God is who Christians say he is, then it is scandalous there is so much suffering in the world. But…the Christian God is a fiction, so I am glad we can find help for our suffering through the wonders of modern medicine.
People who suffer from diseases of the mind are considered a pariah in the Christian church. After all, the Bible says a person has perfect peace when their mind is fixed on God. Every day people do Google searches for “is mental illness, schizophrenia, etc an attack by Satan” and they end up coming to my blog. I am sure they are disappointed that I am an atheist and the answer to their question is NO!
What is disturbing is that these questions are motivated by what they are being taught in church. Jesus only wants winners. People with mental troubles? They are failures. Since Christians are no different than non-Christians, imagine how many people with mental problems silently suffer under an onslaught of words from the pulpit that demean and hurt them.
Sorry, Bruce, I wasn’t trying to imply that mental illness is *worse* than chronic physical illness, just that both are so misunderstood by “normal” people. John Keats wrote, “I have been half in love with easeful death”. I understand that so well, as do you; when you’ve been awake for 3 or 4 nights straight, and the pain is inescapable, you start thinking, “What’s the point?” I totally get it.
I didn’t take it that way, so no problem.
I have suffered with depression most of my life. I see a counselor every two weeks and he does more for me than any drug. While much of my depression is now driven by the fact that I am in poor health, in my younger years it was driven by perfectionism and my inability to be the kind of Christian, pastor I thought God wanted me to be. A lot of Christians secretly suffer from depression. They are caught in a vicious cycle of being right with God, being out of the will of God, being right with God, being out of the will of God. It is a constant roller coaster ride.
Interesting how universal pain is, or in a broader sense, suffering. For all living beings, suffering always was and it is, at least until now, as certain as death.
Fortunately, my share of pain does not have the “and then some” component you mentioned, but my mother, a zealous Christian can’t say the same. I imagine in her case the additional pain of non-answered prayers, the lack of response from the “Doctor of doctors” Himself.
The mother of my first son died of asthma when she was 30 years old. Her death was horrible as you can imagine a person drowning out of the water. Her last years were horrible also… I remember going to sleep leaving the car key, my clothes in the exact order to be ready for an ER visit in the middle of the night (even having the oxygen tube and all the paraphernalia).
As a Christian, she listened to the “wise” Christian friends who assured her that she was ‘cured’ and God had a special plan for her. So after the last ER visit, even taking all possible medication at that time, she was rushed to the ICU. After the superb advice of stoping all medication, she felt better for a month and then died on a “too late to take any medication” visit to the ER. My mom was with me, praying loudly.
All this to say that what a relief it would be if she had died making what was possible at that time. But no, she died like a roadkill, crying for the “Doctor of doctors”, trying to understand if the blame was on her lack of faith…
Suffering is just hard enough to face without stupid unfounded hopes.
Sergio,
Thank you for sharing this. This has allowed me to “know” you a bit better.
Sadly, I have seen more than a few people put their faith in the “doctor of doctors” only to irreparably harm their health or die. I prayed for countless people on their deathbed and every one of them ended up dying. I have no stories of miraculous healing to pass on. At best, praying gave people comfort, but healing? It came from the hands of men and women trained in medicine. (of course the Christian insists it is God who gives them this skill)
You are right. Praying gives people comfort at best, even if based on a lie. But it’s just a snap to add insult to injury, with the conflicting thoughts of guilt by her “lack of faith”. So, even prayer became torture.
People reading this would think I became an atheist because of that incident, but unfortunately, I felt closer to God…
Worse, I also had asthma (not that bad) all of my life, and the following months after her death I developed panic disorder (but suffered a full year before the correct diagnosis, visiting ER lots of times thinking I was dying of asthma + heart attack). And what did everybody say to me? “you need to pray more… your symptoms are not compatible with the “fruits of the Spirit”.
That was 20 years ago, but 10 year ago I had another very traumatic episode when I found my two year old son floating motionless face down in our swimming pool. Luckily, everything turned out ok and he survived. I remember I screamed for God help. But again, I felt closer to God. I cried uninterruptedly for about 2 months… And people said to me: get a grip!
I became an atheist only 2 years ago, and when I look back to all my life events, I clearly see the hand of NOBODY. I was just alone, screaming and praying to the wind. Suffering more than I needed to.
As you said in your previous post, that was not to ask for pity, but just to show how an apparently harmless thing (prayer) can help in the amount of suffering.
Not to much related with chronic pain, but, it’s still pain
Okay, so some “experts” lay all illnesses to “Faith Deficiency Syndrome” (which is actually practicing medicine without a license; a criminal offense in some jurisdictions). I lost count of the times the fellow occupying cubic feet of space behind the pulpit thundered against people taking meds for mental or psychological illnesses when they themselves were ingesting a host of meds for physical illnesses! One preacher regales his congregation with an incident that occurred decades ago when a lady in his church flushed all her meds down the toilet on his word alone because he had deduced that the meds were her problem. He hijacked that lady’s relationship with her doctor to make his point. And he caps the story with a gleeful quip: “The sewer rats were sure happy that night!” Problem is, people who hear this swill begin “flushing their meds” on the preacher’s word, and can often suffer a relapse of their affliction. Should not the lady kept taking her meds and at least be as happy as those sewer rats were? BTW, I know from personal experience that this preacher takes numerous meds for bodily ailments, still blasts mental meds, and bores everyone with ears on the side of their head with tales of his afflictions, aches, conditions, and setbacks! I sure wish HIPPA applied to patients talking about their own aches and pains! My recommendation is that anyone with chronic pain ignore the preacher and listen to his doctor. Preachers are not known for their expertise on medical matters.
Good post. I do not know your pain and do not pretend to know it. My pain is limited to hemorrhoids, which is no picnic.
Been there, Ted. Had an outpatient I and I on a hemorrhoid and it was very, very painful. (besides being very embarrassing, butt up, cheeks spread, with a doctor in training watching very closely what the surgeon was doing. three women in the room)
So strange I decided to come check your blog this morning. I reckon the lord himself sent me here….or Safari and the innability to sleep becuse of pain! Thank you so very much for being open and candid. I am 38 and have Fibro and one Dr said MS while another said ehhhh….hmmmm…welll, maybe. Doesn’t even matter to me to get any more labels in my life the problem isn’t getting a name for it but rather some help of some kind. I’ve heard all the shitty wannabe Dr and Jr. holy spirit advice too and it’s beyond frustrating. Anyway, thank you Bruce for being a voice in the darkness this morning. You help.
Bruce ~ First let me say, I believe that for some mono somehow causes the bodies immune system to backfire well after the initial infection is gone. When I was 17 I got mono and it was pretty bad. After that, I have never really been the same. Some of my pain issues are from two car accidents and carpal tunnel and tendointis in my wrist. For years when I was in my 20′s my family doc would send me to specialists to see what caused all my unusual symptoms. Some painful, some not. The specialists would blow me off ~ you are too young, even though it is possible to have ‘x’ illness even though the lab tests show ‘normal’ i will not further investigate due to your young age. What a load of crock. Or some would say that I was ‘stressed’ and I should learn to relax. Whatever. Years later, I could care less the actual ‘label’ is to what is wrong with me as long as I feel better. Over the years I have learned how far is to far to push myself, etc. A few other folks I have met over the years that have unknown chronic pain maladies ALL had MONO. Doctors usually say there is no way to make that type of connection. One day, I hope that there is much research regarding the mono virus.
Bruce-thanks for sharing about your pain. I have just entered into a ‘honeymoon’ on my pain, by taking a large amount of Flexeril each day. I have fibro and having mono pretty much ruined my health 14 years ago. Anyway, I have experimented with many things to help my pain. However, I NEED my meds. (I also love my TENS unit Bruce!)
I have actually gotten sick of people trying to tell me I need to take supplements and I will be cured. Been there, done that. The people I actually know in person who have fibromyalgia seem to need prescription meds because the pain is so bad.
I struggled with anxiety and depression when younger and didn’t realize these things are associated with fibro. It is too bad though religious people look down on those who have emotional health problems. For that matter, people with physical problems are looked down on, just not discounted. Thank you, Bruce, for baring yourself and your pain to us.
My husband has CFS/CFIDS/ME which an autoimmune disorder, one end of a spectrum syndrome. The other end is Fibromyalgia.
The only thing that seems to make a dent in the symptoms, instead of covering them up, is explained in this google phrase: “Stratton Combination Antibiotic Protocol Update: February 2006″ aka the Vanderbilt Protocol. It is based on successful treatments of Lyme disease, which is itself notoriously difficult to diagnose. It is rotating antibiotics and nutritional supplements; he is in his fourth year and we are very grateful to the volunteers who have kept this treatment alive and continually refined.
Also, a friend of mine has serious over-sensitivities leading to chronic pain, and she is helped tremendously with the dietary addition of the amino acid glycine. Sensitivity to environmental input like noise, scent, and touch can be a sign that the body’s ability to produce this substance is impaired, and it needs to be supplemented.
I also have an autoimmune disorder, but it seems to be garden-variety arthritis in my hands. I had reached the point where I couldn’t open jars and was being awakened in the middle of the night to take another big dose of OTC painkillers; knowing how problematical the prescription arthritis treatments are, I was in despair.
But the work of Dr. William Davis, a cardiologist, had alerted me to the possibility that modern wheat could be causing my body to attack itself. We might not be aware that modern wheat is nicknamed “Frankengrain” by enlightened researchers because it has quadruple the chromosomes of traditional wheat and includes its own fungicide and pesticide. 30 days after eliminating all gluten from my diet and my hands started getting better; now, a year and a half later, I take no medicine at all, just some MSM to help the healing process, which continues.
Just some “food for thought” because I can’t help sharing my own discoveries. I’ve spent the last ten years searching the Internet for clues to help my husband; I have wound up helping him, other people, and myself.
There is no god! No jesus, no heaven. No hell. So praying is a waste of time. It’s about time people stop believing in mythology and start reading about science and evolution. Religion is archaic. It’s old thinking. Move on! And how is 50 old? I just turned 50 and I feel just like I did when I was 20. haha and you believe in god! lol
Amazing. Before commenting you might want to find out about the blog you are commenting on.