John “Jesus Lover” Baptiste recently graduated from a Independent Fundamentalist Baptist college. After three or four years of superficially studying the Bible, John received his unaccredited degree in Jesus Loving, Devil Chasing, Sin Hating Pastoral Ministry. Now what?
Graduates are encouraged to go into all the world, well mainly the United States, and win souls for Jesus. The best way to do this is to start a new church.
Here is what John “Jesus Lover” Baptiste needs to do to start a brand spanking new Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church.
First, find a town where there are churches on every corner and convince yourself that ALL of those churches are liberal, apostate, use the wrong Bible translation, or use worldly music.
Second, confuse your own desire and ambition with the Holy Spirit leading you and God calling you to start a new church.
Third, rent a meeting place or building. Make sure get the building as cheap as possible. If the building owner is a Christian lay a spiritual guilt trip on him to get him to lower the rent and then invite he and his family to the first service.
Fourth, put a puff piece in the newspaper telling the community why you are starting a new church in their community. DON’T tell them that you think ALL the other churches in town are liberal, apostate, use the wrong Bible translation, or use worldly music. You want to be able to poach members from other churches later, so it is important no one knows what you really think of every church in town.
Fifth, every day pray that God will bless your endeavor. Convince yourself that God put you in the community to win everyone to Jesus and that without you they will all go to hell.
Sixth, tell your wife and children that you love them but they are going to have to understand that Jesus comes first and that you will have to neglect them in order for a GREAT church to be built. Also tell them that they will have to mow the church yard, clean the church, play the piano, work in the nursery, teach Sunday School, and anything else you demand ask them to do. Try to explain to them that, Yes God called YOU but he expects you to bring luggage.
Seventh, like the Jehovah’s Witnesses before you, knock on every door in town and witness to them. Lie to them, I am not here to take you from your church home. All that is important is that you know Jesus as your Savior. Don’t let them know, that IF they get saved you will expect them to come to the church that cared enough to lead them to Jesus.
Eighth, run some ads in the local newspaper and put up flyers on every public bulletin board. Church hopping members from nearby Independent Fundamentalist Baptist churches will notice the ads and see this as “God leading them” to leave their church. This is the quickest way to start a new church. And just remember, when they leave your new church a few years later for another newer church, that you were willing to sacrifice your integrity for numerical gain.
You are now ready for your first service. Remember one thing, most new church plants fail, especially new Independent Fundamentalist Baptist churches. Perhaps, it would be better if you join up with one of the other churches in town and help them.
Silly me, you will never do that. You are a God called, Holy Spirit powered Independent Fundamentalist Baptist pastor and such a calling deserves its own church, and a BIG sign that says, in BIG type, JOHN BAPTISTE, PASTOR.
All very true, dude; (and I should know, I’ve done enough of them over the years).
Ouch! Spot on. And two years later, they are ‘moved’ to start another one, unless they have support to go on the ‘mission field.’
Bruce, if I didn’t know that what you wrote is accurate, I might think you were being a little cynical. Unfortunately, those are the steps normally taught and followed in IFB “colleges”. It’s like – nuts with the Bible and specific requirements set down in the pastoral epistles.
One other “helpful” idea in starting a “new work” is to strategically locate in an area where there is plenty of money – little unemployment, big houses, Republican voters.
Yes, a tad bit facetious and cynical.
That sounds about right, Bruce.
Serious question-How the heck do IFB churches get members who did not grow up in an IFB church? And even those who did grow up in it, what keeps them attracted to it?
Sorry, sorry, sorry.. I was trying to reply to Lynn’s question, but when I tried to type Muslim or Imam, my post got completely erased! (8 times this happened!) I was just trying to say that people tend to give a lot of latitude toward their religious leaders, because, for the members, the church represents security and family. As long as you obey the rules of your church family, you(supposedly) will be accepted and loved (and I was trying to point out how this mentality is pervasive in most religions, including Baptists, Mormons, Catholics, and Muslims). Now I am afraid that my e-mails are being monitored and I have been labeled an enemy of Islam! For pete’s sake, I was just trying to make a point.
Must of being a hiccup of some sort. I don’t have any word filter operating so I am not sure what would have caused that.
I was drawn to enthusiasm and confidence in IFB. Also I did not grow up in church. The most I did was watch Oral Roberts on tv.
I always liked liked the music. Still do.
This is so true. However the calvinist slant of the ifb doesn’t do the doorknocking..sitting in the pews every sunday is what their “calling” is
“Sixth, tell your wife and children that you love them but they are going to have to understand that Jesus comes first and that you will have to neglect them in order for a GREAT church to be built. Also tell them that they will have to mow the church yard, clean the church, play the piano, work in the nursery, teach Sunday School, and anything else you demand ask them to do.”
So much for family values! It’s unfair to use one’s wife and children as slave labor in a new church, but I imagine it happens all the time.
It does happen all the time and this is how I treated my wife and children. They were appendages to be managed.
you made me laugh, Bruce. Ah man, so true, and so obvious once you’re out of the faith and see religious fantasy clearly. I’m working in the wilds of northern Vancouver Island at the moment, Park Rangering it up with the black bears and caribou, but read your articles from time to time when I’m in town. Just wanted to share that I’m still a fan, even if my internet time is limited at the moment. Alrighty then, got to get back to my wild place park. Got me a nice little sermon all prepared for the squirrels and steller’s jays waiting excitedly for my next presentation (so long as I don’t forget the nuts)
Well, I wondered what happened to you, Aram. I thought maybe the rapture took place and you were taken up and away.
Thanks for checking in. Keep in touch!
Hmmm… it seems that when I click on the reply icon (or whatever it’s called), whatever I’ve typed goes away, but when I go directly to the comment box, it gets posted just fine. Weird. There must be something up with my computer.
Great Post. Excellent Post. Right on the lucre!!! The only other thing I would add is the IFBs incessant focus on the corporate entity called the church. The name of Jesus is occasionally thrown in to give it the aura of orthodoxy, but that doesn’t hide the fact that the discussion, focus, resources, efforts, sweat equity, etc., are all placed on the operations, organization, and administrative functions of the corporate church body. Now, why is this not like the Catholic Church? I mean, they testify powerfully of the work of Christ in the blood atonement, repentance, etc., but everything they say is, at one point or another, run through the filter of “the church.” And IFB “churches” are no different. No wonder Jesus is on the outside of the Laodicean church knocking on the door desiring to get back in. Look at their statements, “I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing…” It’s all about them, not Jesus. There is a reason the Apostle Peter said that judgment is going to begin at the house of God!!! Okay, rant over. Bruce, you hit the proverbial nail right on the thumb! Keep on laying it all out in blushing color!
Bruce, this reminded me of a few years ago in the small town where I live. There are Southern Baptist and Independent Baptists churches (plus the black Baptist church but the white folks don’t count them), a Methodist church, a Presbyterian church, a Church of Christ, a Catholic church, and three or four non-demonational churches. One week the little weekly paper trumpeted the gigantic headline “The Pentecostals Are Coming!!!” I was 2/3 of the way through the front page article before I realized it was nothing but a paid advertisement and threw the paper in the trash can in disgust. Sure enough, soon the P’s zoomed into town with much fanfare, as if it was the Second Coming. Well, as you can imagine, all the established denominations who didn’t believe in tongues, faith healing and all that other nonsense, didn’t exactly roll out the welcome mat. The P’s bought a nice 3 bedroom brick house on the edge of town to begin services until they could buy a real church house. They stayed there for a couple of months, but I guess things didn’t work out because they slunk out of town a lot quieter than they rolled in. Oh, yeah, they completely dismantled that 3 bedroom brick house and took it with them!! There’s still an empty lot there where the house once stood!
In the 1970′s the charismatic movement moved in and devastated church after church. In our area they started numerous churches, filled with former Baptists, Methodists, Lutherans, etc.
Today? Most of these churches are a shell of what they were 40 years ago. Some of them have closed their doors and the rest? They look an awful lot like the churches they cannibalized 3-4 decades ago.