Life is a journey. A worn out cliché? Perhaps, but it does accurately describe this thing we call life. Each of us are on a unique journey. It is a lonely journey because no one can walk our journey but us. Evangelical Christianity taught me that the destination is the objective of the journey. Atheism taught me that the destination is not important. Life is all about the journey. If I walk my journey openly and honestly, I will end up where I need to be.
In Evangelical Christianity, the journey is the same for all, and everyone must follow the same straight path. Atheism taught me that every journey is unique and that the paths people walk are as many and diverse as the people walking them.
For most of my life, Christianity swallowed up who I was. I lost my personal identity. How could I not? Denying self is foundational to Christian belief. Once I left Christianity, I was then able, with much help, to begin to reconnect with who I really am. I am now free to walk wherever I want. I have freedom, and that’s the key to understanding the difference between my life as a Christian and my life as an atheist.
I get lots of emails and comments from people genuinely trying to understand how I went from being an Evangelical pastor to an outspoken atheist. Granted, some of them just want to find the “weaknesses” or perceived “errors” in my story so they can tell me I never was a Christian. However, I think most people genuinely want to understand where I am coming from.
Many people have a hard time wrapping their mind around my story. I know I am a rarity. There are a lot of Christians and younger preachers that leave Christianity and turn to atheism. Much rarer are people like me, who spent fifty years in the Christian church, twenty-five of those years as a Pastor. My counselor has told me several times that my story is rare, one not often told.
Over the past three years, I have learned I am not alone. While my story may be rare, there are others just like me. Old, grizzled veterans of the Evangelical trenches who are now atheists, agnostics, or deists.
Our stories are unsettling because people like us shouldn’t be atheists. We know the Bible inside and out. We have studied it for decades. We have read countless theological books. Who knows the Christian faith better than us? Yet, here we are, faithless.
I have put together a number of posts under the series title, My Journey From Eternity to Here. These posts are not necessarily chronological but they should answer most questions people have about my journey.
I have also written an ongoing series titled, The Fundy World Tales. This chronicles my life as a Christian and a pastor.
I hope My Journey From Eternity to Here and The Fundy World Tales will answer most of the questions people have. Rather than having to continually write out my “testimony” I will point inquiring people to these series.
Thank You for Reading!
Bruce
Bruce,
I am continually intrigued by your story. Thank you for writing. Don’t stop.
I am a Christian, not because I follow any man, or any other person’s edicts or interpretations of the Bible. You speak in this post of finding your true self, after losing yourself while involved in Christianity. Do I understand you correctly?
The constructs placed upon Christians by the church are suggestions. My understanding is that God will not judge churches; He will judge individuals. I’ve never felt I lost my identity as an individual Diego my participation in a church. That participation is voluntary. As such, if any church attempts to make it less than voluntary, I simply step away. I’ve never minded standing alone, but thankfully I’ve never had to.
My question is this: can you explain in more detail about what you mean when alluding toyon own experience of finding your self in atheism, apparently afte losing yourself in Chrisianity? If I don’t understand you clearly, could you correct me?
Thank you. Please keep writing!
-Josh K
Most every Christian appeals to the Bible as their standard for living. Their lifestyles, ethics, and morality are shaped by what they believe the Bible says.
In the Bible, we find teachings that state that the “flesh” is sinful and that the “carnal” mind is at enmity with God. The solution is deny self, deny the flesh, deny the carnal mind, and submit oneself to the direction of the Holy Spirit.
This kind of thinking naturally leads to a person thinking that their self is bad. After all, they are told to crucify the flesh.
It is natural for a man to desire a woman but Christianity puts constraints on this desire and says a man may only desire a woman within the context of heterosexual marriage. Any other desire is sinful and the flesh must be resisted and crucified.
Christianity is a text-based religion. Its text, the Bible, sets the standard for how every Christian should live. (and every non-Christian, for that matter) Conformity is expected since there is one, infallible standard for living. Individuality, freedom to live as one wishes, does not fit well within the Christian framework.
This is why Christianity is exclusive rather than inclusive. Only those who live a certain way or at least promise to live a certain may enter the club.
As an atheist, I am not constrained by a God, church, or religious text to live certain way. I am free to live as I wish. I don’t have to deny my self, who I really am. Back to what I said about a man desiring a woman. I no longer have to deny that I am a man and that I desire women, even women other than my wife. This does not mean I am going to violate the vow I made to my wife. It is, however, a recognition of who and what I am , a man. The Christian man has to invent all kinds of things to deal with his innate sexuality. He can’r ever say to anther man or his wife, that woman over their is hot, has a nice ass, etc, etc. He must deny these thoughts because they are sinful. Simply,y put, he denies who he is.
Of course, the Christian message of redemption is all about delivering us from who and what we are. As an atheist, I am free to be who and what I really am. I am not a sinner, I am a normal, heterosexual human man.
I hope this explains things for you.
Thanks for commenting.
Bruce,
You have a “True Believer” personality. See book of the same name by Eric Hoffer. The book is about mass movements in general including politics and religion. (Is there any other kind?) Manipulative people take advantage of True Believers. You are a victim of religion, not a victim of God.
bill
Nice try.
it is religion that gives us God. Without religion God does not exist. Without religion how would a person even know there is a God.
I should not be faulted for taking my religion seriously. The fault lies with those who do not take seriously the things they commit to, be it a religion, marriage, or a community.
Religion gives us God? I believe in God, but religion didn’t give Him to me. And I suppose that belief is founded in faith, just as your atheism, Bruce, is faith.
“I would be an atheist, too, if I had enough faith.”
Sure it did. If there were no religions in the world how would anyone know there is a god? Religion is man’s attempt to explain what he can’t explain and that explanation is God. As an atheist and a humanist I do not need a god in order to understand the observable world I live in.
Atheism requires no faith. Please refrain from using worn out Christian clichés about atheism. The atheist says there is no God because the evidence, his observations lead him to this conclusion. Religion requires believing in what you can not see. THAT requires faith.
Bruce, I laugh at the cliche just as much as you. But the premise of it is worth considering. An atheistic life is not free of faith, it just doesn’t place its faith in God. I have a much better appreciation for the “God is a cop-out” argument.
Faith is a religious concept loaded with implications that I reject. Do I accept things I do not understand? Sure, but I do not call that faith.
Religion requires faith because the central premise of religion is a God, and since a God cannot be proved, believing in a God and anything that God does requires faith.
As a humanist there are many things I do not understand. Some of these things may never be understood. However, the list of things “not” understood is becoming increasingly smaller as we better understand the natural world we live in.
Science, not God, is the best answer to understanding the natural world. With science we can “know.” With religion all we can do is, by faith, believe.
Hi Bruce,
I noticed how much the hyper Calvinist, hyper defenders of the Fundamentalist faith hate your deconversion. Those going under the monikers such as Unworthy one, Linda, Mickie Merrie etc. over at Defending Contending refused to believe that you were ever a Christian inspite of your 25 years pastoring in Fundamentalist churches. You seem to worry them quite a deal.
Its interesting how people are in the process of deconverting. I ran into a former pastor’s wife down at the local shopping centre and she told me she was worried about her husband who is a chaplain. He used to be a Fundamentalist. I knew he had moved in the direction of Brian MacLaren but now he’s moved on. He doesn’t believe in the Deity of Jesus any more, He is a universalist and believes that Jesus is a model. I shocked her when I told her that I was at the JS Spong end of the spectrum. She said that’s where her husband is.
Your story is very helfpul to so many and you are not alone in your journey. Have a wonderful day, Bruce.
Shalom,
John Arthur
I think that John Shelby Spong is really an agnostic, but just doesn’t come right out and admit it. He probably doesn’t want to lose his job.
Hi Clare,
I think he’s retired now.
Shalom,
John Arthur
would like to hear about some of those long time de-converters (even if recounted by you). Those are intriguing. Any of them pastors, long-time pastors like you?