…As I have stated, depression is often described as a feeling of unhappiness, misery, down or blue; and can also include feelings of anger, loss, intense frustration and a heavy sadness. These feelings interfere with everyday life for however long the duration. It doesn’t go away with a happy song, or a thoughtful letter. While there are many who do not understand how someone who is dealing with depression feels, I can tell you with great certainty that telling us to “cheer up,” is like telling someone with a broken leg they’d feel better if they just went out for a run. It doesn’t work that way.
As well, telling someone who is depressed that they are just “feeling sorry for themselves” is one of the most horrid thing you can say. If you think this doesn’t happen, just ask someone who suffers from depression to tell you how many times they’ve been told this, or that we shouldn’t complain (as if) and <insert story about those who have it worse> they will also tell you that this is likely the main reason they don’t talk about their depression…
Hopelessness…
…Yeah, about that. This seems to be the one that plagues me the most. Hope is a volatile word, as it means different things to different people. Some people have committed suicide, attempted suicide or have at least seriously considered it for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s due to the loss of material possessions or wealth. Other times it is when someone is facing a long or permanent prison sentence. Still, others have suicidal thoughts when facing a debilitating or terminal illness.
I am going to take a very short dive into religion, so forgive me the digression. Hope has a completely different meaning for people of faith. Obviously, I am not one of these people. While there are many of the faithful who understand their beliefs to be very personal in nature, there are those who feel it necessary to foist theirs upon me, and let me know that I shouldn’t “feel bad” or let the things in my life that cause me distress to “get me down” because Jesus loves me and while he may or may not choose to heal me “in this life“, when I get to heaven it’ll be all puppies and kittens and my body will be perfect and there’ll be no more sickness and disease, and I will be blissfully ignorant of those I have left behind to continue in their suffering or who will be spending an eternity suffering in some pit of doom somewhere won’t matter because Jesus will wipe tears from my eyes and you’ve got a friend in Jesus and happy happy joy joy and did I mention Jesus loves you.
As you can imagine, I have gotten into some very heated arguments with the religious crowd over this, and the fact that I am physically disabled has resulted in conversations that I have to walk away from because I get so angry that if my rhetoric escalated any higher, there’d be problems that would involve lawyers and very like the local constabulary. I can already feel my blood pressure rising, so I will get back on point and not further delve into the black hole that comprises the religious mindset.
Do I feel hopeless? Yes, actually, I do. I feel hopeless because there is no hope, at least not with regard to what physically ails me. I have so many degenerative and incurable diseases that are eating away at my nervous system, my ability for cognitive thought and my general musculature that I wake up every single day knowing that I am ever so much closer to a quality of life that I have no desire to be involved with.
Does that mean I have thoughts of killing myself? Yes, it does. Medication helps with this, and thus far has been working. Nowadays, my suicidal thoughts are put somewhere in the future, as I have a stipulation in my living will that involves a trip to the Netherlands, if by the time I am ready to call it quits, the ability to choose my time to die is not illegal here in these United States. Long live Jack Kevorkian.
Uselessness…
What makes us who we are? Have you ever thought about that? I do, a lot. I struggle with feeling useless because there are so many things I cannot do anymore. This is another one of those times where those of us who suffer with depression have to endure the insensitivity of others who think we are just having a “pity party.” Yes, we get that often.
It’s bad enough that we are forced to sit through advertisements while waiting for videos to play on the Interwebz, but I have long since stopped watching live television. I record everything, because I find myself getting extremely unsettled and angry with commercial advertising. This is one of the reasons why I have such disdain for labels, or what societies perceive as what makes the measure of an individual.
Yes, the logical part of me knows that advertising is a tool used to get people to buy products. Advertisers have to appeal to the larger audience, and most people are not physically disabled. But there’s only so many times I can watch someone running on a beach, climbing a mountain, playing some sport or another with their kids, or enjoying a venue that requires physical abilities that are way beyond those I possess before I want to crawl into a cave. There are so many places that I cannot go because they are not accessible, or things I cannot do because I lack the physical ability to participate. As a result, I spend most of my life sitting on the sidelines, as an observer.
I consider myself a person of reason, and place a great deal of importance on logic. However, logic has little to do with feeling, and in spite of the fact that I have been and continue to be blessed (yes, I used the B-word) by so many of my readers over the years with your comments about how something I wrote touched you in some way or another (even when what I write pisses you off), I still spend time in this particular pit in the valley of depression.
The reality is that I require assistance in many areas of my life. I require the use of a mobility device, which is problematic because either I am stuck sitting down (wheelchair) or I have only one hand with which to use for anything. I get lost a lot, thus driving – even in my own neighborhood – usually requires someone to navigate for me. GPS? Yeah, I have two. They constantly screw me because of concentration issues, I’ve almost wrecked many times while trying to use one. I am frankly amazed I made it to Alabama a couple of months ago without winding up in Ogden, Utah.
My memory has gotten so bad that I don’t remember things like TV shows or movies I’ve seen, sometimes multiple times. I cannot recall dates, appointments, medication schedules, verbal instructions, people’s names, important dates, where I might be at any given moment (we call that “spacing out“), to eat a scheduled meal, if I’ve taken my pills (that has almost landed me in the hospital a time or two), where I put something (sometimes stuff that isn’t mine – and good luck finding it) and a plethora of other things that require my family to take time out of their day to help me exist.
While I have come to terms with this, it doesn’t change the way I feel about requiring a caregiver for things that I had always attributed to the inevitable result of aging. However, when I was young, I figured this wouldn’t happen until I was in my eighties. I am forty-nine years old. I am not even old enough to join AARP. So, yeah, I feel kinda useless, and there’s no way around the fact that it sucks. The irony here is that humanity has evolved as a reasoning, bi-pedal species through mutation by natural selection, and I have been naturally selected by mutation to be bi-pedally impaired with a corroding brain…
You can read the rest of the article here.
Most long-time readers of this blog will readily see that Stefanelli and I have physical debilities that are very similar. I was especially drawn to this post because of the mental difficulties Stefanelli has. I appreciate his openness about depression and memory loss.
It is surprising to some people when I tell them that my lack of mobility and constant pain are not the two biggest issues for me. They certainly dominate my life and of late they have r-e-a-l-l-y been at the forefront of my day-to-day struggles, but depression and memory loss are THE two issues that frustrate me the most.
Depression has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It comes, it goes, but it is never gone for good. Life is a complex mixture for me…pain, mobility loss, memory loss, and depression. I have those chicken and egg, which came first, discussions with myself. If I “felt” better would I be as depressed as I am? Probably not, but I suffered with depression long before having the health problems I now have.
Having to constantly give in and readjust my life often fuels my depression. I have the normal age-related problems that men my age have and I can live with that. It is the other stuff…the pain, the loss of mobility, memory loss, incontinence, and lack of restful sleep… things I can’t change, that often fuel my depression.
Life becomes this overwhelming mess that can, on many days, be quite overwhelming. I tell myself most every day, Bruce you can’t live in the past. You must adjust to your new normal. It is what it is…I know how my life is and I know I can’t change it BUT I have never been able to simply let go and embrace how life is.
I suspect I am going to fight hard as I go into the night. My counselor has pointed out to me that I don’t let go of things easily and my family doctor has told me that that may be good. By fighting against loss it gives me reason to live.
When the day comes that I am consigned to the bed or recliner with no hope of walking or doing any of the things I love to do, then my life is over. I am not one of those people who thinks that life is worth living no matter what. I have watched a lot of people die ever so slowly, wishing that the suffering would end. I don’t want to be like that in the end.
Stefanelli concludes his post with:
This was a difficult piece for me to write. While I am an intensely private person in meatspace, I have a very public life online – particularly within my social networks and on this blog. I believe that if it hadn’t been for the advent of these digital venues of communication that I would have sunk so deep into depression, I would likely have already taken my own life. It is a sobering realization.
I find it easy, even therapeutic, to be so transparent with total strangers. I am sure any psychiatrists out there will have a field day with this one. Bring it on. There is a silver lining to this, though. Many of you have become close friends, even though we’ve never met face to face. I have relationships with some of you via the Internet, telephone and video that are as strong as any relationship that one can have with a neighbor or someone they know from work, or whatnot. You are all real to me, and some of you are dear to me – and some of you I love, honestly.
This is perfect for me, because one of the other aspects of my depression has resulted in me becoming very withdrawn from interacting in the world outside of cyberspace. Sometimes I don’t leave my house for days. Usually it’s because of my physical disabilities, but sometimes it’s because I’d rather be here, on the other side of your screen. The one love I have that has endured and has kept me relatively sane is writing. I’ve written millions of words, and for as long as I am able to do so, I will continue…
My sentiments are the same as his. This blog (but not the social networks) has been a lifeline for me, an oasis in the midst of Desert Despair. Like Stefanelli, I don’t get out of the house much. Over the past three weeks I have been outside our home four times. I can’t drive any longer (though I still do drive on very short jaunts to town) so I must depend on others to take me any place I want to go. I hate to be a “bother” so I don’t ask people to take me places. Most weeks, we go to the store for groceries and we eat at a restaurant while we are out. Sometimes, I will “think” I have more energy than I actually do and this usually results in me overdoing.
Do you health problems that affect your day-to-day life? Do suffer with depression? Has your life changed as a result? Please share your thoughts in the comments.
Answer to all three questions . . . yes. I appreciate the posts you’ve written and thanks for drawing attention to Al’s post as well. I still struggle with just how to put words to my bouts of depression as they relate to my life. I find it easier to speak of my physical pain.
I talked to two psychologists about this very problem. Both seemed stupider than I am. Then I found a genuine MD/psychiatrist who prescribed Prozac. That helped the depression but The Wife said it made me wishy-washy, something like that. Anyway, it worked until I got me pension then I quit cold turkey because it didn’t make any difference if I went nuts.
Been off it for 15 years. I occasionally have a couple of bad days. MY POINT? If you have a depression problem, see a real shrink.
I am on the other side of this, Bill. I prefer the psychologist to the psychiatrist. I already take enough drugs so I don’t need another one to level me out. I admit I am biased. I saw what stupid ass, incompetent, psychiatrists did to my Mom…I don’t want anything to do with them.
This is such a moving entry, Bruce. It seems to me that we could make a distinction between something I’d call despair as opposed to depression. I think in the past maybe, you had depression, but now it’s despair. And here’s the difference: depression may be a clinical condition of a depressed emotional state relative to the emotional state of other people in the same situation; despair is the imposition of debilities on someone that are so overwhelming that one realistically loses any positive perspective on life (in other words, almost anyone would feel the same way). I have no idea if such a distinction is made in medicine. And maybe someone can have both. There is no real basis for hope in life: we all die, we all deteriorate. So maybe non-depression is the non-rational state. But when one is completely shut down by pain and a lack of the means to be independent, then real and legitimate despair can set in. And it makes perfect sense, it’s actually THE rational response to the difficult circumstances. And we have a challenge, your friends (if I may be so presumptuous). Because of course you have a very positive impact on our lives even in the situation of your despair as you share your life and thoughts in your gifted way. I suppose as human beings one of the joys of life is to impact other people. And all I can say is that you really do this well, Bruce. So of course we want you to thrive, but we understand your despair.
I suspect it is both. I have days when I despair but most days I battle with normal, every day run of the mill (whatever that might be) depression. This is why I see a counselor every two weeks. He is my “drug.”
He can sense where I am on any given day. After two years he knows me pretty well. I dare say he probably knows me better than anyone. He has literally been a lifesaver for me.
Bravo for your counselor!
Bruce, your comment that your therapist is your drug is an example of an irony I have noticed about you. You suffer with depression and yet you are actually a very funny guy. You have a good sense of humor, in spite of everything. So maybe that was inherited right along with everything else.
I have a wry sense of humor. I love plays on words. Now if everyone would just “get” my humor.
I don’t suffer from depression or debilitating illness, yet I live with a lot of fear due to having fallen through the insurance cracks. I have high blood pressure, controlled with a lot of drugs, and a vascular condition controlled by wearing $75 a pair stockings.
When my husband got Parkinson’s and had to retire early, we fell through the insurance crack. He is finally on medicare, but I have five years to go. While uninsured, he had an emergency hospitalization, which ate a big portion of our retirement savings.
I have had some indication that I could have an ulcer, gallstones, or both. Since January, I have read extensively about self treatment of the conditions and given up coffee, black tea, alcohol, carbonated drinks, anything fried. I eat a lot of anything that is supposed to be good for the digestive system, and avoid things that are likely harmful. I no longer have symptoms.
Another uninsured hospitalization would ruin us, so I have to live on this regimen and do everything in my power to not get sick until I am on medicare, or the Affordable Care Act makes it possible for me to get insurance. If Romney should become president, I might not have either option.
I have an odd looking place that appeared on my arm a few weeks ago and am debating whether to show it to my doctor next month. If she says to have a lot of tests at a dermatologist and it is nothing, I have spent a lot of money for nothing. I felt a bladder infection coming on and am self treating with success so far, trying to not have to make a separate appointment until my scheduled one.
It makes me angry, and makes me feel like a second class citizen, to have to have so many worries connected to the cost of medical care after we worked and paid so much in taxes when we were younger. The Ayn Rand worshiping politicians that think anyone who might need help is a deadbeat make me furious.
Knowing we risk financial disaster if I am hospitalized makes me fearful of being on the highway if I let myself think about it.
So Bruce, I’m certainly not as sick as sick as you–yet–and I’m not depressed. But I’m scared, and I’m sure as hell mad.
Your story is a reminder why we must have single payer health insurance for EVERYONE. Romney’s call for an ambulance if you need treatment approach is not the answer.
My grandmother filed for bancruptcy due to medical bills when she was in her late 60′s. She never had much and it sure didn’t take long for a few medical bills to ruin her. It is sad and you are right…it should make us angry.
“As I have stated, depression is often described as a feeling of unhappiness, misery, down or blue; and can also include feelings of anger, loss, intense frustration and a heavy sadness. These feelings interfere with everyday life for however long the duration.”
Some people would think that I only know this song to sing but, but it’s never enough to add that depression is a medical condition that usually has the symptoms stated above. Depression is not the symptoms.
Like the broken leg example: pain in the leg, unwillingness to walk, swellings, etc are just symptoms of the fractured bone.
And , this is a subject that hits home badly for me: as a medical condition, the correct professional to deal with it (and to diagnose it) is the psychiatrist.
Although a psychologist can help in certain cases, it’s a secondary treatment.
Like diabetes, there’s no ‘wishful thinking’ that will make it go again, period. You need to be taken care by the correct professional.
It may seem that I am being harsh, but I lived one full year of dozens of visits to the ER and talking to psychologists just to see my case going worse.
After visiting a good psychiatrist, within about weeks with the correct medication, I was able to regain control of my life.
Most people mix the disease with the symptoms, and the correct “use” of psychiatrists and psychologist if they were the same. They are not.
If people don’t treat depression correctly, although in some cases it can recede, usually it gets worse. If you don’t treat the underlying condition, people are just punching the tip of a knife.
The problem is that people still think psychiatric meds are EVIL. Why don’t they think the same about their meds for heart , diabetes, high blood pressure? Because mental problems are still perceived as “made up” things, that need exorcism and “God”.
The brain is part of the human body.
(sorry for the rant, but as I said above this hits home for me, and I had several “fights” with friends and family about this, even when they see the evidence).
I think we have to be careful that we do not take our own anecdotal experiences and use them to judge the appropriateness of a particular treatment for depression.
Depression is caused by many factors. There is no single one size fits all depression. Since there is no medical test for depression, diagnosises are given based on asking the patient questions and observation. It seems several commenters are suggesting that depression is caused by a chemical issue in the brain and that is the underlying factor in all depression. I don’t think such a claim is supported by the available scientific evidence. A theory? Yes, but as the quote below shows such a claim has been hard to prove.
The National Institute of Mental Health says;
I think a person must seek out the treatment that is best for them. For me this means seeing a psychologist. In my case depression is just a part of the over health package, one aspect that must be managed and dealt with when it raises its ugly head.
It could be that psychiatrists are like chiropractors in that they all use different methods, and some will be totally right or totally wrong for a particular patient. But I agree, if your psychologist is making you feel better when you go, he’s right for YOU.
When I was in college, I started out as a psychology major and really thought I would go that direction. I got to noticing, when I was hanging around the cafeteria and other places where both faculty and students spent time, that the professors for both disciplines were totally strange acting people. Other things intervened in my life, anyway, but I was really getting cold feet.
You are quite right, Sergio. Depression is a physical condition and requires medical treatment. Depression can cause physical pain and insomnia. Treatment doesn’t even have to be from a Psychiatrist-a family doctor could help as well. Psychologists can do psychotherapy, which is helpful but cannot fix the underlying, often inherited, biochemical imbalances.- usually serotonin deficiency.
I went nuts last year, I went to an inpatient facility where i met with a psychiatrist who put me on an antipsychotic med, and began meeting with a licensed clinical social worker who has never failed to give me a good insight at every session. Now after a year the accumulated weight of those insights are beginning to produce some breakthroughs.
I decided to stop taking the med about 9 months ago, I felt confident that since I was under the care of the lcsw, he’d let me know if things went bad. Frankly going to a psychiatrist was too much of a hassle, and with my insurance i didn’t have a wide enough choice. So far so good.
I’m reading an excellent book on dysthymia “The half empty heart” by alan downs.
I appreciate the risk each poster has taken by peeling back the veneer of social convention and allowing us to peek inside their hearts. I’ve never suffered from depression, but end of life disabilities has prompted me and my mom to discuss what we’d do if such and such happened. I told her, “If I am debilitated, elderly, infirm, or unable to function, I’ll just go out into the woods and pick a fight with a bear.” She laughed and asked what I would do if I was in a wheelchair. I insisted it had to be motorized. Then she asked if my memory was shot, would I remember my “bear” option. I asked her to help remind me (we’re not that far apart in age). Anyhow, humor and satire has helped us. But I know my experiences aren’t in any way the tincture others need for their depression. My heart goes out to those suffering with depression, and also for those who have people dump their “cures” on them because they presume to know more than the sufferer or the doctors. By the way: Mom also pointed out once that wildlife often flee from humans especially if there is something abnormal about humans.
I have had depression on and off all my adult life. I suspect that it is something genetic, passed down from my mother.
My wife has fibromyalga and diabetes (though not as severe as you). It has caused various emotional struggles.
Having these problems has given us insight into how others feel. And the fact that one answer does not fit all. And how irritating Christians who say “you just need faith,” are.
I know my view of the suffering of others has changed dramatically over the years. Amazing what personal affliction will do for you. I am much more sympathetic to the suffering of others. Like you, I find the “you just need faith” line quite offensive.
This post was incredibly moving…especially the part about Al’s online relationships with people he has met in cyberspace. I think this is possible because people see straight through the exterior to the beautiful person he is inside, and they can make an instant connection. Bruce and Al are SO not useless…the world needs to be educated about conditions that can lead to depression, and they are the ones who can do it. They must feel at times like a voice in the wilderness. How sad that they are effectively driven underground to avoid the igorant comments and judgments. Cheers to you both for your honesty and bravery, even admitting your thoughts of suicide – face it, most people are afraid of the truth. I hope I will be able to read many, many more of your posts.
Thank you for the kind words.
Bruce
I can only speak to my own experience. Beginning in high school and college I started experiencing random periods of depression. I was taught in college (Pensacola Christian College) that depression was a result of sin. It took until I was 30 and had post partum depression to try antidepressants. Saved my life. Depression kept coming back twice a year. Upper dose each time. Finally depressive episodes got closer and closer till I was far more depressed than happy in a year. Went on Lamictal for bipolar. Depression has been non-existant for 8 months now. I have my life back! Amazed every day to experience happiness and optimism and motivation!!! Cannot believe the difference!!!!!!! Everyone has their own path to follow. My advice to anyone suffering with depression is therapy and to try meds. If they don’t help then stop. Always do what is best for you. And try mindfulness. Helps me tremendously with thought patterns and anxiety. Best of luck to anyone suffering with this horrible condition. I found something that works for me and wish the same for all those suffering with mental illness.
I stumbled onto your blog after typing “living with someone with depression and memory loss” into Google. My partner has drug-resistant bipolar ii depression, and has been having increasing memory loss. He is a 57-year-old attorney who is unable to practice and is very aware of his increasing challenges, which only adds to the frustration.
I have found the original posts and all the comments very helpful; thank you. I struggle to understand his internal reality when I can only see the external, and having others share their experiences lets some light in for us outsiders.
I’m also grateful for the suggestion of therapy. He is seeing a psychiatrist but is reluctant to talk with a counselor. I’ll show him this blog and comments; perhaps he’ll take your advice where he won’t take mine.