The Leaving the Faith Project website is now live. The Forum software has been installed and we are now accepting applications for joining the Forum. It will be several weeks before the Forum is actually live.
If you are interested in joining, please fill out the application that can be found on the How to Join Page.
Thanks!
Bruce
I know what I have left but I am not sure where I am headed,
First, some time back you discussed a Clergy Project type project aimed at helping laypeople leave religion. What is the status of that project?
Thanks for asking, Brian.
To refresh everyone’s memory…I want to start a Project similar to the Clergy Project for people who are in the process of leaving the faith but who are not ready to say I am an atheist/agnostic/humanist.
These are people who still have doubts and questions. They may not even become an atheist/agnostic/humanist. Their path may lead them to liberal/progressive Christianity or some other religion altogether.
I helped with the Clergy Project when it first started. I think they are doing a wonderful job. While I am no longer active with the Clergy Project, I do support everything they are doing.
When the Clergy Project was getting up and running we had a discussion about people who were in the process of leaving the faith but who were not ready to call themselves an atheist/agnostic/humanist.
Several of us wanted the Clergy Project to admit these kind of people, but the majority wanted the Project limited to people who were now atheists/agnostics/humanists. I think this was a shortsighted decision, but I understand why they made it.
Just today, a man I have been corresponding with, a former IFB church member and pastor, wrote and told me the Clergy Project rejected his application. This rejection only added to the deep pain he feeling. I want to help people like this man.
I plan to start the Leaving the Faith Project. I have been sitting on the leavingthefaith.com domain for some time and I hope to get this project up and running sooner rather than later.
My “calling”, if I have such a thing, is to help those who are considering leaving Christianity or who have already left Christianity. I want the Leaving the Faith Project to be a safe place for those with doubts and questions to congregate and find help and fellowship.
The Leaving the Faith Project, like the Clergy Project, will be strictly regulated and controlled. As you can imagine, there will be Christians who have no compulsion about lying, who will try to infiltrate the Project and cause participants more mental and emotional pain than they already have. (next to the death of a loved one or a divorce, losing one’s faith is one of the most painful circumstances a person can face)
Stay tuned.
How Some Evangelicals View Me, the Godless Ex-Preacher
I don’t get it.
I am but ONE man with a story to tell.
I write about my past experience as an Evangelical Christian and pastor.
I write about my journey out of Evangelicalism to Atheism.
I write about my personal opinion on matters affecting the culture I live in with a few posts about photography, sports, and the like thrown in.
My writing is passionate and personal.
I am a well-past-prime balding man, married to a wonderful woman, six great kids, and eight awesome grandkids.
My family loves me and I love them.
All in all, life is good.
Yes, I am disabled. Yes, pain is ever with me, Yes, life is a struggle.
Life is what it is and I accept life as it is.
So what is it in my story, in my life, that causes some Evangelicals to react so violently?
I am not a national figure. This blog is read by thousands, not millions of people.
I have not written a New York Times Bestseller. I am not famous in any sense of the word. Shitting on my doorstep might be cathartic for some Evangelicals, but I just hose off the porch and life goes on, with few people ever knowing someone shit on my doorstep.
Yes, my story is somewhat unique. I know it is unusual for someone my age ,with my background, to walk away from everything and embrace atheism.
But, it does happen and surprisingly there are a lot of ex-old preachers turned atheists. They may not have a blog or be as open and vocal as I am, but they can be found most everywhere one looks. (I know because they write me or I met them through The Clergy Project)
I am no Madalyn Murray O’Hair, Richard Dawkins, or Christopher Hitchens. I live in a small rural town in Ohio and the reach of my godlessness is limited. (less than 1% of the people who read this blog are local)
So, why the outrage? Why the hateful, judgmental, mean-spirited letters?
I get a lot of email. Most of the email is from people with questions or who want to thank me for my writing. Every day or so I get an email from someone desperately in need of help. Their involvement in Evangelical/Fundamentalist/Conservative religion has caused untold harm to them, their family, and their marriage.
My heart breaks when I get these kind of emails. I wonder about the damage I did to the people I pastored. I wonder about my children and my wife. They seem fine, but I often feel guilty over the past.
Ever the pastor, I try to help anyone who writes me. I don’t preach at them and I don’t try to convert anyone to my way of thinking. Yes, I have a point of view. Yes, I have opinions and ideas. Yes, I have ideals, Certain things matter deeply to me. I am, after all, human.
But, I have zero interest in making other people like me. Pardon the cliché, we are all on a journey. If we walk our journey openly and honestly, we will end up right where we need to be. Christianity taught me life was about believing the right things and reaching the right destination. Atheism teaches me life is about the journey and not the destination. I am far more concerned with authenticity than I am making sure I have all the right answers to the 100 question True-Christian test, What do you believe? (answer one question incorrectly and you fail)
Multiple times each week I get emails from Evangelicals who believe it is their calling in life to preach at me, quote Bible verses to me, deconstruct my life, tell me what they think of me, and generally judge my life in way their pastor would tell them only God can do.
Evidently some Evangelicals think an atheist does not deserve kindness, decency, or respect. From name calling to attacking my character and motives, to making disparaging remarks about my disability, physical appearance, or family, they quickly remind me why I am glad to be free from Christianity. By their actions, they are a lighted billboard advertising the bankruptcy of a faith that purports to change the life of everyone who comes in contact with it. If their emails are evidence of a “changed” life, I hate to see how they were before they found Jesus.
So what is it in my writing that turns some Evangelical Christians into nasty, vindictive, mean-spirited people?
Here is my take on the matter.
I think many Evangelical Christians are troubled by my story. More than one former parishioner has told me they don’t read my blog because they find it unsettling. They simply can not mentally or emotionally process how the man who once taught them the things of God is now an atheist. I can only imagine how difficult it is to process, Pastor Bruce or the Preacher, as most people called me, is now an atheist.
They fear, if Bruce, a man of God, a devoted follower of Jesus, can turn from the faith, it is possible they will too. (and remember, he that endureth to the end shall be saved. No one can KNOW they are saved until the end)
So what do some Evangelical Christians do? They lash out at me because they find my story unsettling and it makes them fearful. ( and I fully understand the emotions in play here)
Usually I ignore nasty, vindictive, mean-spirited letters. I subscribe to the Bible adage, don’t cast your pearls before swine. Sometimes though, I will try to engage them . My counselor has told me more than once that I naïvely think my critics want to know and understand me. They don’t.
By attacking me, it gives them a feeling of vindication. It reinforces their “rightness.” They think by putting me in my place or putting a word in for Jesus, God will be pleased with their unflinching stand for the things of God. (how they can know this I do not know)
Since I do not know any of the letter writers personally, I can not judge their motives. (though that doesn’t seem to stop them from judging mine) All I am left with is wondering why they respond the way they do? Why invest one moment on a poor ,lost, deluded, never was saved, apostate like me?
Once I found out the Bible was not an inspired, inerrant text, my Evangelical house of cards came tumbling to the ground.
Several Christian bloggers have taken this statement to mean that once I no longer believed in the inspiration and inerrancy of the Christian Bible, I then became an atheist.
While it is true that once I came to see the Bible was not inspired, not inerrant, and not infallible I abandoned the Evangelical faith, I did not immediately turn to atheism.
My journey from Evangelicalism to Atheism was a long, arduous, and painful one.
My journey actually began when I was still a Christian pastor. Long before I questioned the authority of the Bible, I began to have doubts about Christianity itself. Being a pastor for twenty-five years will do that to you. For the last few years in the ministry, I became increasingly discouraged with the state of Christianity in America. The Christian church was rife with internecine warfare, in direct contradiction to Jesus’s command that the world would know we were his followers by the love we had for one another.
During this time, I abandoned my conservative, Republican political views and began to embrace a liberal political view. As my politics move leftward so did my theological views. I was sympathetic towards the emerging, emergent church movement and I appreciated the work of men like Brian McLaren, Jim Wallis, and Tony Campolo. (and Catholic writers Thomas Merton and Dorothy Day, along with Gandhi)
Towards the end of my ministry, I was a closet liberal pastoring conservative, Evangelical churches. I became quite catholic in my view of other Christians. I was willing to embrace Catholics as fellow Christians and my view on abortion and homosexuality changed from anti to pro.
During this time, I still held on to the belief that the Bible was the inspired, inerrant Word of God.
2003 marked the end for me as far as the ministry was concerned. For a couple of years, I candidated at churches here and there, but I found no church I was willing to go to or was willing to have me. (one church wanted me to be their pastor but I had to commit to only using the KJV of the Bible. I could not do this.) (read The Disaffected Years, 2004-2008)
As time went on, Polly and I decided to look for a church we could call home, a church that we could use our talents to help the church and advance the kingdom of God. Over the course of three years we visited over one hundred churches. What we found confirmed our worst fears about the Christian church, and in November of 2008 we attended church for the last time. (read Wilderness Wanderings, 2002-2012)
Once I stopped attending church, I turned my attention to my theological beliefs. What did I really believe? The first belief to go was my belief that the Bible was inspired and inerrant. (Bart Ehrman was extremely helpful at this juncture) Once free of the notion that the Bible was a supernatural text inspired by a supernatural God, I turned my attention to the core teachings of Christianity.
As I took a fresh, new look the the teachings of Christianity, I came to the conclusion that I could no longer believe what the Bible said about God, the divinity of Jesus, his virgin birth and resurrection from the dead. Simply put, I could no longer embrace the fundamentals of Christianity as truth. While I still think a man by the name of Jesus lived in Palestine, I no longer think this man was God. He lived and he died, end of story.
I took Bart Ehrman’s suggestion and I changed how I read the Bible. Instead of trying to read the Bible though a particular theological lens, I allowed each book and author to stand on its own. All of a sudden, the Biblical text looked completely different. The Bible says, Let US make man in our image. Instead of straining this text through Trinitarian theology, I let it stand on its own. I came to the conclusion that the Bible reveals to readers many Gods, rather than the Three in One God of Christianity. ( I saw a progression from polytheism to monotheism)
As I took a careful look at the New Testament, again without making any attempt to harmonize the competing passages of Scripture, I came to the conclusion that there are several different Christianities in the Bible. I found that the Christianity of Jesus is quite different from the Christianity of Paul. A case could also be made for Peter and James having their own distinct versions of Christianity.
When I look at the natural world with all its wonders, I can fully understand how a person might conclude that a deity of some sort created everything. However, affirming that A God created the universe is far different from affirming that the Christian God, the God revealed in the Bible, created the Bible. I came to the conclusion that there was not a rational way for me to get from A GOD to THE GOD of Christianity. Such a belief required faith, a faith I did not have.(read, You Must Believe in A GOD before you can choose THE GOD.)
From this intense, painful study of the Bible and the literature of other religions, I came to the conclusion that the Christian God does not exist. While I am agnostic concerning whether or not a deity of some sort exists, I decided that, based on how I live my day to day life, I am an atheist.
Most every day, I get an email from a well meaning Christian who wants to know what “hurt” I suffered to cause me to leave Christian faith. Other email writers suggest I must be angry, bitter, or burnt-out. None of these people can imagine someone looking at the Bible and the claims of the Christianity and coming to the conclusion that the Christian Bible is just a book and that the Christian God does not exist.
While I will readily admit to being burnt-out and having spells of anger and bitterness, at the end of the day, my defection from Christianity is rooted in an intellectual pursuit that led me from Evangelicalism to atheism.
For me, it has always been about the Bible.
Written by David Hayward, the Naked Pastor
I am a pastor who left the ministry. It was one of the most difficult decisions and transitions I ever made. It’s not just a matter of changing one’s career. It is much more complex than that.
Here’s why:
If you are a pastor, perhaps you can think of another reason why quitting the ministry is very difficult. I would appreciate your comments… anonymously if necessary.
The Bible gives some pretty good advice about this in Luke 14:28-30:
For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.
Who starts to build a building without first counting the cost? The key phrase here is counting the cost. Every choice we make has a consequence. I think a loose definition of Newton’s Law of motion applies here….every action causes a reaction. Foolish is a person who does not consider the consequences of saying for the first time to family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances, I AM AN ATHEIST.
When I left Christianity and the ministry my wife came along with me. )a few steps behind but close enough we could hold hands) We spent many hours reading books and having long discussions about the past, the Bible, and Christianity in general. Bart Ehrman was nightly pillow talk for many months.
When we finally came to the place where we said to one another, “we are no longer Christians” we knew that telling our family, friends, and acquaintances would cause a huge uproar. What should we do?
Polly decided to take the quiet approach, keeping her thoughts to herself. When asked she would answer and try to explain, but if people didn’t ask she felt no obligation to out herself. She still operates by that principle. There are people she works with who likely think she still goes to church on Sunday and that she is a fine Christian woman.
I took the nuclear approach. I wrote an open letter to my friends, family and former parishioners. This was totally in character for me. I am an all in kind of guy. Years ago, when I became a Calvinist, I sent out 200 letters to friends and fellow pastors letting them know that I was now a preacher of sovereign grace. Boy, did I get a huge backlash, I lost numerous friends and what friends remained left when I wrote my famous Letter to My Family, Friends and Former Parishioners. The letter started this way:
I have come to a place in life where I can no longer put off writing this letter. I have dreaded this day because I know what is likely to follow after certain people receive it. I have decided I can’t control how others will react to this letter, so it is far more important to clear the air and make sure everyone knows the facts about Bruce Gerencser.
I won’t bore you with a long, drawn out history of my life. I am sure each of you have an opinion about how I have lived my life and the decisions I have made. I also have an opinion about how I have lived my life and and decisions I have made. I am my own worst critic.
Religion, in particular Baptist Evangelical and Fundamentalist religion, has been the essence of my life, from my youth up. My being is so intertwined with religion that the two are quite inseparable. My life has been shaped and molded by religion and religion touches virtually ever fiber of my being.
I have spent most of my adult life pastoring Churches, preaching, and being involved in religious work to some degree or another. I have pastored thousands of people over the years, preached thousands of sermons, and participated in, and led, thousands of worship services.
To say that the Church was my life would be an understatement. As I have come to see, the Church was actually my mistress and my adulterous affair with her was at the expense of my wife, children and my own self-worth.
Today, I am publicly announcing that the affair is over. My wife and children have known for a long time that the affair was over but now everyone will know.
The Church robbed me of so much of my life and I have no intention of allowing her to have one more moment of my time. Life is too short. I am dying. We all are. I don’t want to waste what is left of my life chasing after things I now see to be vain and empty.
I have always been known as a reader, a student of the Bible. I have read thousands of books in my lifetime and the knowledge gained from my reading and studies have led me to some conclusions about religion, particularly the Fundamentalist, Evangelical religion that played such a prominent part in my life.
I can no longer wholeheartedly embrace the doctrines of the Evangelical, Fundamentalist faith. I do not believe in the inerrancy of Scripture nor do I accept as fact the common Evangelical belief of the inspiration of Scripture.
Coming to this conclusion has forced me to reevaluate many of the doctrines I have held as true over these many years. I have concluded that I have been misinformed, poorly taught, and sometimes lied to. I can no longer accept as true many of the doctrines I once believed.
I point the finger of blame at no one. I sincerely believed and taught the things that I did and many of the men who taught me were honorable teachers. I don’t blame those who have influenced me over the year, nor do I blame the authors of the many books I have read. Simply, it is what it is…..
The backlash from my letter was immediate and severe. Keep in mind I was not yet an atheist. All I said was that I could no longer embrace the teachings of Christianity. I was agnostic about the whole God question.
The reaction of my family and Polly’s family was the hardest to bear. For the most part they said nothing. To this day some family members have not said one word to Polly or I about our defection from Christianity. It is like there is this huge elephant in the room that no one can see but us. Three plus years of silence……
My friend, Bill Beard, the man I wrote the Letter to a Friend to. His wife is in the background. This picture, circa 1985, was taken in their home, a place I spent many hours fellowshipping and arguing about theology. (He is Arminian)
My friends and fellow pastors took to writing me letters, sending me emails, visiting me, preaching about me, and having prayer meetings focused on praying me back into the fold. The level of nastiness and judgmentalism was overwhelming. During this time a long-time friend and parishioner turned pastor came to see me. I wrote about his visit in A Letter to a Friend. In the letter I wrote:
You got my letter.
I am certain that my letter troubled you and caused you to wonder what in the world was going on with Bruce.
You have been my friend since 1983. When I met you for the first time I was a young man pastoring a new Church in Somerset, Ohio. I remember you and your dear wife vividly because you put a 100.00 bill in the offering plate. Up to that point we had never seen a 100.00 bill in the offering plate.
And so our friendship began. You helped us buy our first Church bus. You helped us buy our Church building. In later years you gave my wife and I a generous gift to buy a mobile home. It was old, but we were grateful to have our own place to live in. You were a good friend.
Yet, our common bond was the Christianity we both held dear. I doubt you would have done any of the above for the local Methodist minister, whom we both thought was an apostate.
I baptized you and was privileged to be your pastor on and off over my 11 years in Somerset. You left several times because our doctrinal beliefs conflicted, you being an Arminian and I being a Calvinist.
One day you came to place where you believed God was leading you to abandon your life work, farming, and enter the ministry. I was thrilled for you. I also said to myself, “now _____________can really see what the ministry is all about!”
So you entered the ministry and you are now a pastor of a thriving fundamentalist Church. I am quite glad you found your place in life and are endeavoring to do what you believe is right. Of course, I would think the same of you if you were still farming.
You have often told me that much of what you know about the ministry I taught you. I suppose, to some degree or another, I must take credit for what you have become. (whether I view it as good or bad)
Yesterday you got into your Lincoln and drove three plus hours to see me. I wish you had called first. I had made up my mind to make up some excuse why I couldn’t see you, but since you came unannounced I had no other option but to open and the door and warmly welcome you. Just like always…..
I have never wanted to hurt you or cause you to lose your faith. I would rather you not know the truth about me than to hurt you in anyway.
But your visit forced the issue. I had no choice.
Why did you come to my home? I know you came as my friend but it seemed by the time our three hour discussion ended our friendship had died and I was someone you needed to pray for, that I might be saved. After all, in your Arminian theology there can be no question that, a person with beliefs such as mine, has fallen from grace.
Don and Laura Hardman, circa early 1990’s. I was pastor of Grace Baptist Church in West Unity, Ohio. The Hardman’s held a number of revival meetings for me. Many of these meetings were protracted meetings, lasting 15 days.
During the first few months after my initial letter I heard from Laura Hardman, the wife of Evangelist Don Hardman. She bared her fangs and let me know that it was quite evident that I NEVER was a Christian.
About two years after the initial Letter to My Family, Friends, and Former Parishioners I wrote an update post. Here is part of what I wrote:
Almost two years ago I sent my friends, family and former parishioners a letter concerning my decision to deconvert from Christianity. I wish I could say my letter was well received. I wish I could say that people told me they supported my decision. I wish I could say I have been treated in a kind and respectful manner.
But I can’t.
A longtime friend of mine, Bill Beard, pastor of Lighthouse Memorial Church, drove over three hours to my home to talk (argue) with me about my deconversion. He and I had been friends for over 25 years.
Laura Hardman, wife of Evangelist Don Hardman, wrote me a scathing letter telling me that I never was a real Christian, I had been friends with the Hardmans for over 20 years.I wrote them back and I have not head from them since.
Friends of mine for over 40 years, missionaries with Child Evangelism Fellowship, wrote to me and told me I was under the influence of Satan. They sent me literature to read. I returned it with a letter of my own. They never wrote back.
I stumbled upon a forum discussion about me. They were discussing what to do about Bruce.
I have received numerous emails from former parishioners telling me of the errors of my ways. Some of them are deeply troubled about how this could happen. How could their pastor now be an agnostic who doesn’t believe in the Bible or God?
A few former parishioners took it upon themselves to tell me their conclusions about me. Many of them mentioned my reading habits. They told me I read too many books and they suggested I just read the Bible.
Two former parishioners wrote to tell me that, though they disagreed with me, they loved me and were my friend. I really appreciated their love and friendship.
I hear bits and pieces of the gossip about me that is floating around Bryan and Defiance. People questioning whether or not I was ever a Christian. Some raise issues about my mental stability. One thing they never do…..talk to me personally.
My adult children have to field questions at work about their apostate father. Once again, the questioners never talk to me personally.
It is not much better on the family front.
Silence is how family has decided to deal with me. It’s like I never wrote the letter about deconverting from Christianity. Behind the scenes there is a lot of gossip about me and what to do about the Bruce matter. Last Christmas, the patriarch of the family, a pastor of 40 plus years, was intent on confronting me about my apostasy. I am grateful my mother-in-law quashed his plan to confront me. It would have been ugly. I mean ugly, ugly.
My wife decided that we would not do Christmas at her parent’s home any more. The stress and undercurrent are such that it is impossible to “enjoy” time with the family during the Christmas holiday.
I wish I could tell you that I came through all of this unscathed but I haven’t. I decided to seek out a counselor a year and a half ago. I knew I needed to talk to someone about the pain and deep wound I was carrying as a result of my defection from Christianity. I still see a counselor every few weeks. His work with me has been extremely helpful and has enabled me to move forward and away from the past. The scars remain. The viciousness of people who say they are followers of the man who said turn the other cheek and love your enemy has scarred me. Every time a fundamentalist spews his bile on this blog I am reminded of the deep wound I carry. I am also reminded that I am glad to be free from such an ugly, vile, and vicious belief system and way of life.
So how are things now?
Some family members are still silent. Perhaps they will never ask, inquire or attempt to engage me in a discussion. I think some people are intimidated by me so they avoid the elephant in the room. I have come to accept this. I wish they would talk to me but I know I can’t force the issue so I leave it alone.
Almost all (all but 2) of my Christian friends have abandoned me. I don’t blame them. I have come to see that our friendship was held together by fidelity to certain beliefs. Remove the beliefs and the friendship dissolves. If I came back to the Christian faith I would instantly have dozen of friends. I would be lauded as the Preacher reclaimed From the Devil’s Clutches. Hmm…….there is money to be made….
If I had to do it all over again would I do it the same way? Would I write THE letter? Probably. My experiences have given me knowledge that is helpful to people who contact me about their own doubts about Christianity. I am often asked, what should I do? Should I tell my spouse?Should I tell my family, friends, or coworkers?
My standard advice is this. Count the cost. Weigh carefully the consequences. Once you utter or write the words I AM AN ATHIEST you are no longer in control of what happens next. Are you willing to lose your friends, destroy your marriage, and maybe lose your job? Only you can decide what cost you are willing to pay.
I know there is this notion “Dammit I should be able to freely declare what I am” and I agree with the sentiment. We should be able to freely be who and what we are. If we lived on a deserted island I suppose we could freely be who and what we are. However, we are surrounded by people. People we love. People we want and need in our life. Because of this it behooves (yeah KJV, can’t help it) us to tread carefully.
I hope some of you will find this post helpful. My deepest desire is to help you on your journey. I am hoping that my walking before you can be of help to you as you decide how best to deal with and embrace your loss of faith.
If some you you have a story you would like to share with everyone I would be glad to make your story a blog post. It can even be anonymous of you like. There is strength that comes when a person knows they are not alone. This blog is here to remind those struggling with leaving Christianity or who have already left Christianity….YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Every few days I get an email from someone who has stumbled upon this blog and they are disturbed to find out I was once an Evangelical pastor and now I am an atheist. For some reason many people can not wrap their minds around the path my life has taken so they want me to “explain” how it all came about. When I received an email here and there I had the time to “explain” myself to each inquirer but I now get too many emails to allow me to continue to “explain” myself to each inquirer. This post is my “explanation”. In the future, when people want me to “explain” myself I will point them to this post.
My Christian Upbringing
Baptized an Episcopalian and a Lutheran, I attended my first Evangelical church around the age of 5. Tim LaHaye was my pastor. (yes THAT Tim LaHaye)
My parents were extreme right wing, John Birch oriented, Christians.
From the age of 5 through the age of 51, I attended or pastored an Evangelical church.
Profession of Faith and Call to the Ministry
I was saved, baptized, and called to the ministry at the age of 14 at the Trinity Baptist Church in Findlay, Ohio. Trinity Baptist Church is a Baptist Bible Fellowship church. I preached my first sermon at the age of 14.
College
I attended Midwestern Baptist College, a fundamentalist Baptist college, for 3 years. I did not graduate. During my time at Midwestern, I worked in the bus ministry and held weekly services at the SHAR house in Detroit. (SHAR house is a drug rehab facility)
The Ministry
From 1979 to 2003, I was an assistant pastor or pastor for 7 churches. (4-Independent Baptist,1 Nondenominational, 1 Southern Baptist, and 1 Christian Union) Most of the churches I pastored were either young churches or new church plants. They ranged in attendance from 50 to 400. I pastored for the last time in 2003.
Leaving Christianity
I attended church for the last time in 2008. Since that time, I stopped calling myself a Christian and 2 years ago I finally embraced agnosticism/atheism.
Why did leave you Christianity?
I left Christianity because I no longer believed the Bible is the Word of God. I do not believe the Bible is inspired, inerrant, infallible, or any other word Christianity uses to describe the words of the Bible. The Bible is an error filled, contradiction riddled, ancient text that has little or nothing to offer the human race. I do not accept the Bible as an authority in my life.
Christianity requires faith and I do not have requisite faith necessary to believe. I believe all the “cardinal” doctrines of Christianity to be fictions and I can not embrace them as “truth”.
Were you hurt by the Church?
Not in the slightest. I did not leave Christianity because my feelings were hurt. The fact is, treatment by Christians, since I left Christianity, has been far worse than anything I ever experienced as a pastor and a Christian.
Why are you an Atheist?
I am an atheist because the evidence at hand tells me that it is likely there is no God. I am not interested in playing any form of the Pascal’s Wager game. I am quite willing to bet the farm on the belief that there is no God (and if there is one, It is not the Christian God, nor is It knowable).
Is there anything a person can say to encourage you to return to the Christian church?
No. Attempts at reclaiming, redeeming, or evangelizing me will fall on deaf ears. When Christians do this they just make matters worse. They are reminders of the fact that many Christians don’t care what a person thinks or feels. It is all about getting out the message. One more soul for Jesus, another notch on their gospel gun.
Aren’t you afraid you are being led astray by Satan?
Of course not. Satan is a fictional character.
Aren’t you afraid you have committed the unpardonable sin?
Of course not. I don’t believe in God nor do I accept the authority of the Bible in my life.
Have you read…?
Stop right there. My decision to become an atheist is not due to a lack of knowledge. I know the Bible inside and out. I have preached thousands of sermons and at one time had a library of over a thousand theology books. I don’t need to read another book, listen to another mp3, or check out so and so’s blog or website. I know both sides of the argument. It would be great if Christians would invest some time and effort in reading a bit on atheism before they “attack” me or try to use apologetical parlor tricks to get me to see the error of my way. (and reading a Christian apologists latest book doesn’t count) I would be glad to give any inquiring Christian a list of books that would be essential reading in any quest to understand atheism.
Were you ever “really” a Christian?
Yes, I was and anyone who says otherwise is more concerned with making their theology fit rather than coming to the grips with the truth that people can be a Christian and end up leaving Christianity and denying the faith they once embraced (regardless of what the Bible may or may not say or what John Calvin or John Piper may say).
Aren’t you afraid God will judge you?
No, I am not. There is no God, so who is going to judge me?
Aren’t atheists immoral hedonists that live for pleasure?
I am sure there are some atheists who live this way just as there are Christians who live the same way. Only people who don’t know a real atheist make such asinine statements as this. Now…….I must go, there is a child sacrifice I must attend.
Aren’t atheists Satanists or practioners of witchcraft?
Your ignorance of atheism is really showing now.
Do you have any Christian friends?
2 (out of dozens and dozens who no longer call me “friend”)
Is your wife a Christian?
No, she is an agnostic. Her story is hers to tell.
What about your children?
None of them are Evangelicals. Some nominally attend church and others don’t. Their story is theirs to tell.
Hopefully, this short post answers the questions many Christians have about me. If you still have questions I would encourage you to read THE PAST posts. You will learn all you need to know about yours truly.
I don’t mind questions, but the volume of questions is such that I simply can not continue to give long, individual responses to questions about my reasons for leaving Christianity and becoming an atheist. Read first and THEN ask questions.
There is an irreconcilable conflict between Jesus and Paul and Peter when it comes to how to view apostates that were once followers of Jesus
Progressive, liberal, kind-hearted Christians stress the two great laws emphasized by Jesus in Mark 12:28-33:
And one of the scribes came, and having heard them reasoning together, and perceiving that he had answered them well, asked him, Which is the first commandment of all? And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. And the scribe said unto him, Well, Master, thou hast said the truth: for there is one God; and there is none other but he: And to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love his neighbour as himself, is more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.
Love God and love your fellow man. All the laws of the Bible are summed up in these two commands, Love God and love your fellow man. If Christians truly embraced these two commands I suspect I would have very little to write about on this blog.
Sadly most CHRISTians live in denial of the teachings of Christ. They are ensconced in the teaching of Paul and Peter, and they most often live lives in total denial of the teachings of the man they claim is their Lord and Savior.
This is clearly shown by their response to people like me. For some reason, an evangelical pastor turned atheist is such a threat to the Christian faith of some that I must be attacked and ridiculed at every opportunity. So sharp are their attacks that I had to implement comment moderation and limit abusive commenters to one comment. (my thinking is they get one chance to tell me what an awful man I am so they better make it count, kind of like an enema)
Where does this need to attack and ridicule come from? Is it just a reflection of their lack of civility, maturity or a lack of character? I am sure this explains some of their behavior but I think they really do believe the Bible gives them warrant to say the things they say.
What does the Bible say?
Peter writes in 2 Peter 2:1-22:
But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction. And many shall follow their pernicious ways; by reason of whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of. And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not. For if God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness, to be reserved unto judgment; And spared not the old world, but saved Noah the eighth person, a preacher of righteousness, bringing in the flood upon the world of the ungodly; And turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha into ashes condemned them with an overthrow, making them an ensample unto those that after should live ungodly; And delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked: (For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing, vexed his righteous soul from day to day with their unlawful deeds;) The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. Presumptuous are they, selfwilled, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities. Whereas angels, which are greater in power and might, bring not railing accusation against them before the Lord. But these, as natural brute beasts, made to be taken and destroyed, speak evil of the things that they understand not; and shall utterly perish in their own corruption; And shall receive the reward of unrighteousness, as they that count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings while they feast with you; Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children: Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray, following the way of Balaam the son of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness; But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man’s voice forbad the madness of the prophet. These are wells without water, clouds that are carried with a tempest; to whom the mist of darkness is reserved for ever. For when they speak great swelling words of vanity, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through much wantonness, those that were clean escaped from them who live in error. While they promise them liberty, they themselves are the servants of corruption: for of whom a man is overcome, of the same is he brought in bondage. For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning. For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.
How does Peter describe people like me?
Let’s face it Peter describes people like me in such a way that many Christians conclude we are worthy of all the derision we receive.
Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:1-10
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith. But they shall proceed no further: for their folly shall be manifest unto all men, as their’s also was.
Paul paints a lurid picture of apostates like me. Paul says my “folly” will be made manifest to all men and many Christians feel they have the gift of manifestation.
Paul writes in Romans 1:16-32:
For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek. For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith. For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse: Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
People like me are described as those who hold the truth in unrighteousness. We worship the creation rather than the creator. We refuse to acknowledge God and we give him no worship or thanks. Our foolish hearts are darkened and we are vain in our imaginations. Result? God gives us over to a reprobate mind.
According to the Bible I am a reprobate, a person beyond the grace of God., a person who has already secured a berth in hell.
In Hebrews 6:4-6 and Hebrews 10:26-29 Paul makes it clear that people like me have no hope of God ever extending grace to us again:
For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, f they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.
For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. He that despised Moses’ law died without mercy under two or three witnesses: Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace?
These verses make it clear that apostates like me have no second chance. We have spit in the face of God, we have trampled under our feet the blood of Jesus, and we have spited the spirit of grace. We are enemies of God.
According to the Bible, since I am a unregenerate, unsaved person I have a deceitful, wicked heart. I am incapable of doing good and I am unable to love in the truest sense of the word. (because true love comes from God)
I make no bones about my beliefs. I don’t believe there is a god. I don’t believe that Jesus was God nor do I believe he died on the cross for my sins and resurrected from the dead three days later. I totally reject the Christians concept of original sin. I also reject any notion that suggests the Bible is a divine book written by God, a book that every human being is obligated to obey. I am an atheist.
At one time I believed the Bible was the inspired, inerrant Word of God. I believed that there was one God and that Jesus, the son of God, died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead three days later, thus vanquishing sin and death. I believed that Jesus was the way, truth, and life. As Paul said of himself, I at one time said of myself, I KNOW in whom I have believed…At one time, according to the book of 1 John, I had a know-so salvation.
Christian people who meet me, interact with me on Facebook, or trade emails with me are often faced with a dilemma. I am a nice guy who is kind and compassionate most of the time. I love my family and I love my neighbors. My “good” works stack up quite favorably with many of the super-saints that come to this blog to tell me what their God thinks of me. Ask the people who know me about my life and character. I have no doubt the report will be favorable. (I am not perfect to be sure but I am a better Christian than many of the Christians I know)
But, the Bible says……….. I know some Christians want to see me in a good light, but doing so puts them in direct conflict with the Bible. Paul and Peter are not ambiguous on the matter. What’s it going to be?
I fully understand why some Christians believe that I am a deadly enemy, an enemy they are commanded to wage war against. (Ephesians 6) Thousands of people read this blog and, in the minds of the warring faithful, I am an enemy of their eternal souls. They feel obligated to speak up for God, Jesus, the Bible, and the Christian faith. They feel they will be rewarded by God for standing up for the faith once delivered to the saints. Well done thou good and faith Servant. Enter in……
Some Christians attempt to navigate a third way when dealing with people like me. They think I was hurt by the Church and that my apostasy is an emotional response to the hateful, nasty, mean-spiritedness that is all too common in Evangelical Christianity. In their minds I am still a Christian, one that has been wounded by the Church.
I readily admit there is an emotional component to my defection from Christianity. However, it is not the primary reason. The issue is, and remains so, that I do not believe the Bible is truth and I do not have the requisite faith to believe. I am the enemy of God.
I am quite happy when a liberal minded, progressive Christian sincerely attempts to love me as their neighbor but I do understand WHY many Christians respond differently. The Bible is on their side. The liberal minded, progressive Christian has love, compassion, civility, and decency on their side. They are good people. But, if life is all about preparing to meet God, if it is allow about preparing for eternity, if it is all about keeping the commandments of God, then the Bible believers who eviscerate me and attempt to sodomize me with the words of the Bible clearly have God on their side.
This is a common question that many well meaning, thoughtful Christians ask. The Bible says:
For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. Romans 11:29
In the Evangelical Church pastors are believed to be “called of God” to the ministry. This calling, this anointing ,is God setting a man apart for the work of the ministry. Ordination is the Church putting its stamp of approval on the man God has called.
A man called to the ministry is called for life. The ministry is not just a job or a vocation; it is a divine calling. Pastors (elders, bishops, evangelists) are men sent from God to preach and teach the word of God to the people of God.
Pastors are called to live a life devoted to the gospel. The gifts and calling of God to irrevocable. Once called, a ,man can not forsake or walk away from the ministry. He can live his life in such a way that he is no longer fit for the ministry but this does not mean he is no longer called to the ministry. The pastoral epistles set forth very clearly the standard for how a pastor must live his life:
The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil. I Timothy 3:1-7
Paul. writing to Timothy makes it very clear that there is a danger that a pastor may fall into the snare of the devil. Paul was concerned about this in his own life. He writes in 1 Corinthians 9:26, 27:
So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 27But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.
When a pastor sins and does repent, if he is a true, called of God minister, God chastises him. Hebrews 12:7-9 makes it very clear that God chastises the sinful pastor(and all Christians) as a loving father would his children. If there is no chastisement this is proof that the person is NOT a Christian. The King James version calls such people bastards. (illegitimate children)
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? Hebrews 12:7-9
Over the course of my life as a Christian and as a pastor I heard countless stories of how God chastised people because they were living in sin. Rolfe Barnard, one of my favorite preachers, had a sermon titled “God Kills Christian’s. Will He have to Kill You?” I heard story after story of how God killed or maimed pastors who disobeyed God. God hates sin. Any sin, every sin. There is no sin too small. There is no sin exempt from God’s holy hatred. Jesus died on the cross for sinners. This shows God is serious about sin.
The question Does God Judge Pastors who quit the Ministry is answered with a hearty YES. Even people like me, who leave the ministry, not because of any moral or ethical scandal, but because we a longer believe, we no longer have faith, are severely judged by God. How dare we reject God’s calling and God’s salvation? How dare we spit in the face of God and reject his grace? We deserve a double dose of God’s whoop ass.
Granted, the scenario above is a Calvinistic, can’t fall from grace, way of looking at this subject. (this is the majority view in the Evangelical Church) The Arminian view, the view that people can and do fall from grace, can and do quit the ministry, quit God, and abandon the faith, does not have a better outcome than the Calvinistic view.
The Arminian, like the Calvinist believes God chastises Christians who live in unrepentant sin. The only difference between the Arminian and Calvinist is that the Arminian believes a person can withstand God’s chastisement and continue in sin resulting in the person losing their salvation.
However, the Bible makes it very clear that those who fall from grace, those who lose their salvation, can never regain it.
Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment.3And this we will do if God permits. For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. Hebrews 6:1-6
For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Hebrews 10: 26, 27
Let me use myself as an example. Christians view me one of several ways:
Some people are certain that the heath problems I have are God’s chastisement. They fail to consider that my health problems started while I was still in the ministry. Of course, there’s an answer for this too.God was testing and trying me to make me stronger. ( the thinking goes like this: God beats the shit out of you so you will love him more)
I no longer concern myself with the judgments that others make about me.. This I know:
Do I believe God is judging me for quitting the ministry? Of course not. No God, No judgment. Simply put, I am a man who went through what people call a “crisis of faith” and when I came out the the other side I had left Christianity, the Bible, and the ministry behind. (three of the hardest decisions I have EVER made)
Christianity requires faith and it requires intellectual assent to certain truths about God and humankind. I no longer have the requisite faith to believe and I can not intellectually assent to that which I do not believe is true.
To turn an old hymn on its head……..I once was found and now I am lost……
My defection from the Christian faith and the ministry is well documented and has been hashed out here, there, and everywhere, Blogs, churches, pastors, friends, parishioners, and acquaintances, have had their say. I have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. I am either saved but backslidden or never was saved according to all those who have weighed in on the state of my eternal soul. (they say I have a soul but I don’t think I do)
A pastor, who is also a former parishioner, visited me in hopes of turning me from the error of my way. He is an Arminian and he believes I once was saved but now I am lost.
Other pastors have taken it upon themselves to send me missives of judgment in the mail or via email. Every letter, every email is the same. They are certain of what they know the truth to be, and since I am living contrary to their version of truth, they believe God is going to judge me, chastise me, or even kill me. If he doesn’t, what does that say about their God? I shudder to even think about it.
Former parishioners send me letters and emails and leave comments on this blog in hopes of turning me back to the Way of Jesus. Several people suggested that my reading habits and education is the problem and they encouraged me to get rid of all my books except the Bible and become stupid for Jesus. The real issue is not even about me, it is about them. My apostasy invalidates their life and they don’t like it. They fear, if I could apostatize no one is safe from the snare of Satan.
As time moves on the dust of my life settles a bit. I know the more distant traumatic issues are the easier it becomes to embrace the pain and move on with life. Leaving the Christian church and leaving the ministry are indeed difficult things to deal with. The emotional and mental toll has been enormous.
Most every day I get email from people who are trying to find their way out of the Christian wilderness. Some emails come from pastors who don’t know what to do about their changing beliefs. I have had contact with a few agnostic or atheist pastors who feel trapped. They know they are living a lie but they fear what will happen if they abandon the ministry. Walking away from a life-long career is not an easy choice to make.
I also hear from pastor’s wives. Some of these dear women no longer believe but their preaching husband does. They suffer in silence for fear of destroying their husbands livelihood if they speak the truth about what they believe.
The Fallen from Grace blog has put me in the way of large numbers of disaffected people. Some are still Christians, others are atheists, agnostics, or deists. Some have abandoned organized religion for some form of spirituality. My goal as a writer is to help those who read what I write. No writer writes for the hell of it. I want my writing to make a difference in the lives of my readers. I hope the stories I share and the personal confessions resonate with them.
I know this blog attracts those who are bent of being God’s avenging mortals. They view me as a heretic, a threat to the Christian church. They pray imprecatory prayers, calling on Jehovah to silence me and to, if necessary, kill me.
I think I have have crossed an important milestone in my journey………I don’t care what the keeper’s of the light, the warring avengers of all heresy, think. I know I poke at them sometimes, like a boy taking a swing at a hornet’s nest, but I am becoming immune to their invectives.
I am used, far and wide, as an illustration of what happens when a person abandons the truth. I am ok with this. I am learning to embrace my notoriety. People like John Loftus, Dan Barker, and the late Ken Pulliam, among others, have learned to embrace their lostness, and the shit thrown at them no longer sticks. I am getting to the same place in my life. I am waiting for that moment when out of the dark I hear a Darth Vader Like voice, Bruce, I am your Father.
I still have family, friends,former parishioners, and an occasional Christian zealot who try and “connect” with me on Facebook or Twitter. I don’t mind catching up with people from my past. I have a lot of fond memories from my days as a pastor and a member of the Christian church.
Sadly, some people who contact me have ulterior motives. They think God is leading them to try and restore me to the Christian faith. What a big notch on their gospel gun if they can reclaim Bruce Gerencser for Jesus. They think if they just quote enough Bible verses or spout enough Christian clichés that I will be so overwhelmed that I’d have no choice but to praise the name of Jesus.
God knows where I am and he can come get me if he wants me. Personally, I think God is so busy helping the various athletes win their respective games that he has no time for me. He is so busy helping Republicans abolish abortion and deny homosexuals basic civil rights that I am not even in his radar. (no matter how many times Christians mention my name in prayer to the Heavenly Father)
I am not a good prospect for heaven, and those who contact me to evangelize me will be sorely disappointed. My interest is –100%. If given the choice of going to heaven with those evangelizing me or going to a sporting event with beer drinking, foul mouthed sports fans, I will choose the sporting event every time. Fun always wins out in the end.
If the Bible says anything true at all, surely it is true when it says in Hebrews:
For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame. For the earth which drinketh in the rain that cometh oft upon it, and bringeth forth herbs meet for them by whom it is dressed, receiveth blessing from God: But that which beareth thorns and briers is rejected, and is nigh unto cursing; whose end is to be burned….
Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright. 7For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.
Apostates like me are described in the Bible as pigs wallowing in the mud and dogs who vomit and eat it.
God has passed me by. I am nothing more than a mud living pig that, like a dog who eats his own vomit. What a life. Of course what the Bible is really saying is that I have returned to my old ways before I was a Christian.
Here’s the problem with this kind of thinking . I was a Christian most of my life. I was born into and raised in the Christian church. I have no evil life to return to. I have never smoked, I was a virgin when I got married, and I took my first drink 3 years ago. I don’t have any testimony of debauchery and licentiousness to share. I was a good Christian kid, and quite frankly I am a far better Christian now than I was way back when I was a real, super-dooper, washed by the blood, sanctified, heaven loving, hell shunning, Holy Ghost filled Independent, Fundamentalist, Evangelical, Reformed, Calvinistic Baptist preacher.
God doesn’t bother with me and I wish his guard dogs would do the same. But they wont, they cant. If they don’t confront me, if they don’t stand up, stand up for Jesus (remember the tune fellow Baptists) what does that say about them? Yes, what does that say about them?
Truth is, many Christians are afraid of people like me. If someone like me can fall of the gospel wagon no one is safe. My apostasy seems to invalidate their own Jesus experience, especially if I used to be their pastor. They wonder “was Bruce even saved when he was our pastor?” They wonder how I could have deceived all of them so easily. I was the devil in their midst and they didn’t even notice. What happened to their discernment skills?
I am grateful that the dust of my life is settling. I think I can now handle the occasional Rip Van Winkle who suddenly wakes up to find their friend and former pastor now playing for the other team. As long as the letters, emails, and personal invectives don’t come my way as a denial of service (DoS) attack I think I will be fine. When the occasional onslaught comes I hope I have learned enough to just turn the computer off and hibernate until the attack passes.