Tag Archives: Pornography

Southern Baptist Men Have a Porn Problem

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A recent news report says that 80% of Southern Baptist men watch porn on a weekly basis.

James Smith Sr, editor of the Florida Baptist Witness writes:

Pornography is the “pink elephant in the pew” — the embarrassing, big subject no one wants to talk about — and that silence is feeding a “bubonic plague” harming churches, pastor Jay Dennis told state Baptist convention executive directors and editors gathered in Oklahoma City.

“Our enemy has found the perfect tool to deliver temptation to men — men who love God, men who love their wives, love their children and love their churches,” Dennis, pastor of First Baptist Church at the Mall in Lakeland, Fla., said Feb. 14. “Yet their involvement in looking at pornography has virtually duct-taped their mouths closed and taken them out of spiritual leadership in the home and in the church.”

Dennis spoke to state executives and editors at the invitation of John Sullivan, executive director of the Florida Baptist Convention, surveying the effort he began at First Baptist Lakeland in 2009 that has become the “Join 1 Million Men” movement ( Join1MillionMen.org) to be featured at the Southern Baptist Convention this year.

After his presentation, Dennis told the Florida Baptist Witness news journal he was burdened to address the issue — even though he didn’t want to — when a growing number of women in his church sought pastoral counsel for husbands and sons who were struggling with pornography.

“I resisted … because I knew that the spiritual warfare component of this would be immense — and it has been,” Dennis said, citing multiple health challenges he has faced in the last three years.

Unable to find resources written from the perspective of a senior pastor that were sensitive and “grace oriented,” Dennis decided to research the issue and write his own materials for First Baptist Lakeland.
Dennis told the state executives and editors that too many pastors are “out of touch,” believing that pornography affects only a small percentage in their congregations.

He cited a 2011 LifeWay Research survey of 1,000 pastors that found 62 percent of pastors believe less than 10 percent of men in their churches viewed pornography on a weekly basis. Dennis believes the figure is more like 80 percent.

Most churches, he said, respond to the problem of pornography by denying its reality, while others are aware of the problem but are not specifically dealing with it.

Instead, pastors must “admit there is a problem and urgently address” pornography by helping men overcome it.

Dennis said pornography is the “pink elephant in the pew” because “we have a huge problem that is primarily directed at men’s attitudes toward women.”

He cited six characteristics that make pornography “so dangerous”: it is accessible; affordable — in many cases free; anonymous; addictive; altering — changing how men view women; and creates amnesia.
“This is a winnable war, but we must act very quickly,” he said.

Dennis said the “God-sized project” of creating a campaign for churches of all sizes and denominations seeks to involve at least 1 million men to take a public stand against pornography — and 1 million women praying for men. The campaign is geared to Christian men, he said, because only through the power of the Holy Spirit can men overcome struggles with pornography.

Convinced he needed to address the problem in his church, Dennis said he attended the Institute for Sexual Wholeness in Atlanta where he earned a certification in sexual addictions. He wrote the initial materials and taught them to his men in the spring of 2010 during six Wednesday evening sessions.
“The response, honestly, surprised me,” Dennis said, noting that after the third session he asked those who were struggling with pornography to stand while no one was looking. The noise of “theater seats flapping” constituted the “far majority” by his estimation while not looking.

“I thought to myself, ‘This sounds like the beginning of freedom in our church,’” he said. “There was a spirit of revival that broke out among our men and this was the beginning of a journey that continues to affect positively the men, marriages and families of our church.”

To date, 1,300 men have signed commitment cards that have been posted to a wall and tower prominently displayed at the church. The porn-free commitment includes 14 statements the men affirm.
Dennis said he has urged even men who say they do not struggle with pornography to make the commitment as encouragement to those who do and to “draw a line in the sand … to never go there.”
“The wall [at First Baptist Lakeland] has become an opportunity for our church to discuss this very sensitive issue,” he said. “The door has been opened to publicly demonstrate our men’s passion for purity.”
Dennis outlined 10 “action steps” to “win the battle of pornography in the pew,” including educating pastors; having churches of all sizes participate in “Join 1 Million Men,” educate women and involve them in prayer; provide “man-friendly” resources; involve men who don’t currently struggle with pornography; have the Southern Baptist Convention “lead the way” as it has on other moral concerns; and train the next generation of church pastors.

Asked by the Florida Baptist Witness what success in the campaign will look like, Dennis responded, “When men are more passionate about purity than they are about pleasure, when churches can openly discuss this, instead of sweeping it under the rug.”

He added, “Success will look like every pastor getting up and saying, ‘OK, here is the pink elephant in the room.’”…

Here’s the One Million Man, Porn-Free Pledge:

I am making a lifetime commitment to being porn free knowing this commitment is kept one day at a time;
I am acknowledging that I have the capacity to be tempted by pornography and could give into that temptation at any time;
I am placing my relationship with God as the number one priority of my life and admit that God cannot be number one if I am viewing pornography;
I am placing my relationship with my wife (if married) as my number two priority and admit that she cannot be that priority in my life and I cannot love her like I need to love her if I am viewing pornography;
I am placing my relationship with my children (if you have children) as the number three priority in my life and admit they cannot be that priority in my life and I cannot love them like I need to love them if I am viewing pornography;
I understand the only power I have over pornography is the power given by the Holy Spirit as I am surrendered to Him;
I will have at least three other men I can call at any hour of the day or night when the thought enters my mind to look at pornography;
I will consider the consequences to my walk with God, my relationship with my wife (if married) and children (if you have children), my other family members, my job, and everything that is important to me when the thought enters my mind to look at pornography;
I will do everything possible to create a porn-free environment (screensaver of my wife, if married) and children (if you have children); pictures of wife and children around the computer; using the computer in an open place where anyone can see; download accountability software on my computer; install a filtering software on my computer; share my computer password with my wife or friend; put Scriptures on screensaver; post-it notes with Scriptures on computer; taking a different route to work to avoid temptation; when staying in a hotel asking the front desk to turn off pay-per-view on the cable; if necessary avoid traveling with my laptop and use computer in hotel lobby; and eliminate the premium cable channels on my television;
I will develop the spiritual disciplines of daily Bible reading, prayer, personal worship, small-group Bible study, church attendance, fasting, meditating, and journaling (recording what God is saying to you through His Word, the Holy Spirit, your experiences, and your circumstances along with personal victories and failures);
I will recognize those times and places when I am most likely to look at pornography and interrupt those times and places by taking specific steps to guard my mind and heart;
I will immediately remove [pornography] from my life by destroying any pornography of any kind;
Because I know I am not alone in my struggle I will be mindful of praying for and seeking to help my brothers in Christ to stay pure;
I will review and renew this commitment daily.

Leave it to the Southern Baptists. They have never met a program they didn’t like. Have a problem? Start a program. Every year, the Southern Baptists start a new program to address this or that concern. Do they work? Of course not. The Southern Baptist Convention continues to hemorrhage people, conversions are declining, and there are no signs that this is going to change any time soon.

I recognize a small percentage of people (mainly men) are addicted to porn. However, the vast majority of people who look at porn are not addicted to it. They have productive relationships, go to work every day, and show up for church on Sunday.

Looking at scantily clad or naked women is quite normal for a heterosexual man. If a man watches TV, reads magazines, or walks with his eyes open down any public street, he is going to see scantily clad women who may more may not peak his sexual interest. (a normal biological response) To demonize this behavior is demeaning to men and hurts them rather than helps them.

The Pledge above treats Southern Baptist men as weak, powerless, infantile creatures who have little to no power to say NO or control their own behavior. If a Southern Baptist man shouldn’t look at porn then he should just stop looking at it. And if the internet is such a big temptation, then cancel the service. And get rid of the TV, magazines, and anything that might “tempt” the pathetic, weak, powerless Southern Baptist man.

I have, on occasion, as a Christian and as an atheist, looked at porn. For the most part, it does nothing for me. I find it uninteresting and unimaginative. Is it art? Maybe, but if it is art, it is bad art. I am mainly talking about porn videos. I have seen some erotic photography that was great art. Well done, sexually seductive, art.

I will make a prediction…this Pledge, like all the Pledges before it, will miserably fail, and it will not result in a meaningful reduction of Southern Baptist men watching porn. They are, after all, men. Better to help men and married couples deal with porn within their relationships than have a program that will do nothing to make their relationships better.

Note; I didn’t mention gay men and same sex couples looking at porn because we know there are no gay people in the Southern Baptist Convention.

For Further Investigation:

Jay Dennis, Top 21 Emerging Leaders of the 21st Century.

First Baptist Church of Lakeland

One Million Men

SI Swimsuit Edition Might Turn You Into the Next Ted Bundy

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kateupton

Picture of Kate Upton from Defiance Crescent-News

A local resident wrote the following letter to the Editor of the Defiance Crescent-News:

As a person whose work deals with communication, you know the power of words and images. The message that both written language and pictures bring can impact the reader/viewer in an unquestionable way. Obviously, if this were not true there would be very little advertising and commercializing.

The serial rapist and murderer, Ted Bundy, came to my mind as I was reading The Crescent-News publication for Tuesday, Feb. 12. Before Bundy’s execution he granted an interview with a Dr. James Dobson. (Dr. Dobson is a psychologist and has worked extensively with children.) One main message Bundy wanted to leave the world was that his demise and impending death sentence was directly linked to a pornographic magazine he had seen in a trash can when he was a young teenage boy. He told Dr. Dobson that seeing those first images led him to become entangled in a lifetime addiction of viewing pornography.

No one knows what the effect will be on a life that embraces unwholesome habits. Every single day there is an article in The Crescent-News of someone who has either raped, molested, murdered, kidnapped.

Isn’t it better to take the “higher” road of influencing your readers by providing wholesome reading/viewing materials so that you would not be contributing to another Ted Bundy? And our family members could fall victim simply because of what others have fed their minds.

I’m requesting that you would use your authority and skills to not permit any other “soft” porn images such as was presented on page B5 of the TV/Entertainment section entitled Sports Illustrated of the Feb. 12 newspaper.

It only takes one image to change the course of many people’s lives.

Brenda Woody
Defiance

In Evangelicalism there is a belief that certain things are gateways. I used to think this way and often preached it in my sermons. I would say things like, no girl ever got pregnant who didn’t hold hands with a boy first. Physical familiarity inevitably would lead to sexual intercourse. This is why the Apostle Paul said an unmarried man ought not to even TOUCH a woman.

So I understand the illogical “logic” of the letter writer. The gateway myth permeates most every aspect of Evangelical thinking. This is why Evangelicals are outraged when Janet Jackson flashes a boob or Bono says the word fuck on national TV.

The letter writer sincerely believes that if a person looks at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue they are on a path that might end up with them being the next Ted Bundy.

Here’s the problem with this kind of logic. Pick anything out of a person’s life…like Ted Bundy was raised in the United Methodist Church and was a Methodist youth leader. I could just as easily say that Bundy became a serial killer because he was a Methodist. Silly, yes?

Most men have viewed pornography at one time or the other. Tens of millions of American men view pornography on a regular basis. Yet, they hold down a job, have a wife or lover, have children, and live a decent, productive life. They don’t become child molesters, rapists or serial killers.

Do bad people do bad things? Sure, but they are the exceptions and we would be foolish to ban things that most people handle responsibly. Using the letter writer’s illogical “logic”, I can make a case for banning TV, alcohol, firearms, and churches. Yes, churches. After all, look at all the sex scandals among the clergy these days. Surely, the clergy are the gateway to perversion and decadence.

I think that most Evangelicals ought to put their Bibles away for awhile and LEARN to think critically. They need to carefully examine the myths they use to explain people and behaviors they find sinful. Perhaps they will then find the real gateway, the gateway of reason.

Gender,Sex, Sexuality, and the Baggage We Carry

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Warning! Adult language. Do not read if you are easily offended. (stop scrolling so fast it is not that racy)

Female, Male, Hermaphrodite

Homosexual,Heterosexual, Bisexual, Asexual

Pornography, Prostitution

Adultery, Fornication

Masturbation, Anal sex, Oral Sex

Marriage,Same Sex Marriage, Divorce, Living Together, Hooking Up, Friends with Benefits

Age of Consent, Marriageable Age, Birth Control, Abortion

These are but a few terms and issues associated with discussions about gender, sex, and sexuality.

When these things are discussed, debated, and argued about each of us bring our own baggage to the discussion. Our religious, political, cultural beliefs and experiences often color our ability to have a rational discussion about these things. The things we have experienced in the past and the things people close to us have experienced often affects how we view issues like gender, sex, and sexuality.

These issues are hot-button issues and, far too often, discussions about them quickly devolve into posturing, drawing lines, and name calling.

Words like misogynist, sexist, homophobic, womanizer, abuser, user, and pervert are bandied about carelessly with little or no regard to the harm these words can cause. Granted, there are times that these labels are warranted, but sometimes we are too quick to attach derogatory labels to people without trying to understand where they are coming from.

Take Prostitution. I support the legalization of prostitution. What two (or more) consenting adults do sexually to or with each other is of no concern to me. I support health and licensing requirements but beyond that I consider prostitution to be a victimless crime.

When I write about my view on prostitution, I am often told that I am supporting the objectification of women and that I am supporting actions that demean and debase women.

No, what I am supporting is the right for adults to sexually do what they want without the religious beliefs or social conventions of others getting in the way. Often objectification is in the eye of the beholder. For example, many employers objectify their employees, treating them as a means to an end.

Take the issue of marriage. Again, I am indifferent to many of the objections people have when it comes to marriage. I am of the opinion that people should be treated equally under the law and matters beyond that are not anyone’s business.

Marriage is a contract and every party is free to determine the terms of the contract. Is it wrong for a married man to have sex outside of marriage? It depends on the terms of the contract he has with his wife. I know of several marriages where the woman is quite happy if the man has a mistress or frequents prostitutes.They have no interest in sex and their reasons for marrying were financial stability and companionship.

We need to remember that gender, sex, and sexuality are complex issues, complicated by the baggage we bring to the discussion. If we remember this, hopefully we will not be so quick to lambast those who have a different view than we do. We must also make sure we do not confuse a differing view on sex and sexuality with a person’s morality. My support of prostitution does not mean I use the services of a prostitute. It does mean, I make no moral judgment about people who do, and I most certainly do not make any moral judgment about a man or woman who decides to earn a living providing sexual services.

We all need to carefully think about these issues. Sadly, too many people let the TV do their thinking for them. Again, take prostitution. Most people have never sought out the services of a prostitute and most people don’t know anyone who is a prostitute. Unless they carefully think about and research this issue they will likely have a distorted view.

How does TV portray prostitution? Either they show the prostitute as a drop-dead gorgeous woman making 5,000 a night or a teeth falling out meth head who will screw anyone for 20 bucks. While both of these portrayals are true, they are the exception to the rule. Contrary to how the TV portrays them, most prostitutes do not have a black pimp with a gold tooth that beats them for not turning enough tricks. Does this happen? Yes, and it is regrettable, but we must not assume this is how it is for all prostitutes. (especially in countries and localities where prostitution is legalized)

The truth is most people become prostitutes for the money. In many ways we all are prostitutes. We go to work every day…why? For the money. Like with most things in life, it is all about the money.

I look forward to your comments.

The OTHER Sexual Abuse Scandal in the Evangelical Church

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When I use the word Evangelical I am using it to describe churches and denominations that have beliefs and practices normally associated with Evangelicalism. Groups like the National Association of Evangelicals, denominations like the Southern Baptist Convention, and various Nondenominational, Charismatic, Pentecostal,Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Churches, and a plethora of smaller independent Church groups. Collectively, they are one on the largest religious groups in America.

While my posts on sexual abuse address what is going on in Evangelical churches, I want to be clear that I don’t think liberal/progressive/mainline Protestant churches are exempt from having problems with sexual abuse. Evangelicalism is what I am most familiar with and my writing naturally reflects that. I am sure if I did a bit of research I would find similar problems in liberal/progressive/mainline Protestant churches.

My posts, up to this point, have dealt with the sexual abuse of children and teenagers. In this post I want to write about the OTHER sexual abuse that goes on in Evangelical churches. This sexual abuse is perpetrated by pastors and church leaders on adult parishioners.

Some readers may immediately object and say, What goes on between two consenting adults is no one’s business and it is NOT sexual abuse.

To some degree, I agree with this sentiment. Years ago, I had a pastor friend who had an affair with a woman in the church he was pastoring. He later divorced his wife, left the ministry, and married the woman he had the affair with.

Over time, the whole story came out. The pastor’s first wife had secretly been a lesbian for many years. My pastor friend knew this and did his best to hide it. His lesbian wife had not had sex with him for 20 years. She maintained an apartment in the city where she stayed with her lover. (imagine how difficult this was to pull of in an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church)

While I, at the time, deplored the deceit and the affair, as a man, I completely understood the pastor seeking out the affections of a woman.

As far as I know, the pastor did not use his place of authority to coerce the woman he had the affair with into having a relationship with him. She was divorced. Perhaps she was lonely, looking for a man to have a relationship with.

Forget all the Bible commands about sex. They aren’t relevant in this discussion. Men and women fall in love with each other. Sometimes they fall out of love. Sometimes they fall in love with people who are married to someone else. Sometimes married people have affairs. Sometimes married people have sex with people other than their spouse.

Pastors and church leaders aren’t immune from these things. I could spend the next hour detailing the stories of pastors I know who had an affair or ran off with their secretary, a deacon’s wife, the church pianist, or a choir member. One church I know of had two music directors run of with one of the choir members. In the same church the pianist had an affair with a choir member.

Affairs happens. Sexual hookups happen. As a heterosexual man, with a normal libido, I fully understand how and why these things happen. Every man I know, if they are honest, will admit to being sexually attracted to someone other than their spouse. (since I am not a woman, I can not speak to how women think on these matters) Just because someone is a pastor or church leader doesn’t mean they stopped being a sexual being.

Pastors and church leaders are attracted to women just like any other male. Their religion requires them to behave according to the moral code of the Bible but they don’t stop being normal, heterosexual men. In fact, the moral code they are required to obey sometimes causes them a good bit of internal struggle. Instead of being allowed to act like a normal, heterosexual male, they are forced to act like a horse with blinders on. He must never look at another woman and say n-i-c-e. Oh, he will continue to do this in his mind, but he can never be the man he is outwardly.

This is why pastors and church leaders sometimes find themselves in embarrassing situations. Porn on their office computer. A Church member sees them coming out of an adult bookstore, strip club or bar. These things happen. In the normal world, it is no big deal. It is understood that this is normal male behavior. (and before someone gets upset, I am not suggesting than men who DON’T do these things are abnormal)

One of the most liberating things that happened in my life after I left the ministry and Christianity was the freedom I gained to be a normal, healthy heterosexual man. I no longer have to feign not looking when an attractive woman walks by. These days my wife is quite interested in what type of women I find attractive. (besides her, of course) It is quite liberating not to have to walk down the street with averted eyes every time a nice looking woman walks down the street. I no longer have to pretend I don’t like steamy sex scenes on TV. (and some of them I DON’T like)

My wife and I can laugh together at Skin-a-Max shows on TV late at night. Personally, they do nothing for me. Both Polly and I find the shows amusing and dreadfully bad TV. I am certainly not a sexual libertine but I am now free to be the sexual being God made me to be.

Embracing a humanist view of life and reconnecting with my self has allowed me to better understand the sexual being I am. I have come to see that Evangelical Christianity is sexually repressive, and when I hear of sexual trysts, affairs, and the like happening in Evangelicalism, I am not surprised. These things happen among unwashed heathens and Evangelicals are no different. (though they generally have a lot more guilt)

I am in no way suggesting that affairs and extra-marital sexual activities are necessarily good things. Every circumstance is different. Every married couple determines the rules that govern their marriage. Personally, I made a commitment to Polly that I would be faithful to her until death do us part. We have lived by that commitment to each other for 34 years. I may now have the freedom to look, but my vow to Polly means I dare not touch.

All I am saying here is that I fully understand how and why affairs happen in the Evangelical church. Often such affairs are ill-advised and destructive, but they do happen, just like they happen in the non-Evangelical world. I am fully aware of the pain and damage an affair can cause to a family. My Dad had an affair with a woman he later married.The affair destroyed our family. However, looking back on it, I can see why my Dad had an affair. ( and maybe had multiple affairs over the years) Being married to my Mom couldn’t have been easy.

I wrote all of the above to explain what I am NOT talking about when I speak of the OTHER Sexual Abuse Scandal in the Evangelical Church. Regardless of how unfortunate, hurtful, and messy the above mentioned things can be, they are the acts of consenting adults.

This post is about sex between pastors/church leaders and adults in the church. Notice I did not use the word consenting. I should also note that I am only talking about sexual relationships between male pastors/church leaders and women. While I am sure same sex relationships DO take place they are not as common as heterosexual relationships. It seems when pastors who are bisexual or closet homosexuals seek out same sex relationships they tend to go outside the church to prostitutes, gay bars and clubs. (as the Ted Haggard story illustrates, though Eddie Long sought out young men IN the Church)

Pastors are considered people of authority. When counseling parishioners they enter into a unique relationship with the people they pastor. Like any profession that bring professionals into intimate contact with people, pastors must be careful that their relationships do not cross not cross ethical boundaries. Sexual relationships are not permitted and can, in some cases, be considered sexual assault or rape.

The reason for this is simple. When counseling a woman a pastor is often hearing intimate details about her life. She is letting her guard down, she is vulnerable. Unless a pastor has a high ethical standard and has safeguards put in place, it is quite easy for a pastor to go from man of God to sexual predator.

Granted, pastors may from time to time have a female parishioner who becomes sexually infatuated with them. This happened to me twice in 25 years. In the one instance I didn’t even know about it until years later when the woman wrote to me to tell me about it. In the other instance, the woman made her intentions clear and I had to take steps to make sure we were never alone together.

However, ethical pastors must always be aware of the dangers of inappropriate behavior when counseling women. As the person of authority they have the responsibility to make sure relationships with female parishioners are ALWAYS above board. Appeals to weakness, lack of sex in their marriage, she came on to me, etc. are no excuse for violating a woman when she is in a vulnerable state.

Let me illustrate this with a story from a church I pastored many years ago. A man in our church was arrested for having sex with his 16 yr. old adopted daughter. When I visited the man at the jail he told me he was sorry but she came on to him and he couldn’t help himself. I am sure he expected me to understand. I didn’t. I pointedly told him that God gave him hands and he should have used them. There was NO excuse for his behavior.

And this is exactly how I view pastors who have sexual relationships with woman they are counseling. Yes, the pastor’s marriage may suck. Yes, the pastor’s wife might have stopped having sex with him 2 years ago. Yes, he might be lonely and in need of someone to talk to. Yes, yes, yes…but none of these things matter. The pastor MUST be in control of his emotions and sexual desire.

If the pastor needs companionship, needs someone to talk to, or just needs to get laid, he is free to seek out relationships with consenting women (or men) outside of the church congregation. He is free to go to bars, clubs, or even hire a prostitute. (I am making no moral judgment here) He is not free, however, to prey on women who are emotionally vulnerable.

I have counseled hundreds of people over the years. I have heard intimate details about their marriages, sex lives, secrets desires and sins. I pretty much have heard it all. Evangelical Christians have problems just like everyone else. In many ways they have MORE problems because obeying the commands of the Bible cause increases levels of fear, guilt, helplessness. (helpless in the sense that they WANT to obey the commands of the Bible but they can’t seem to successfully do so.)

This intimate knowledge of people’s lives requires pastors act professionally and maintain ethical behavior at all times. It is scandalous to do otherwise. I have no sympathy for pastors who got caught with their pants down. They knew better. They knew there was a line they could NEVER cross. They forgot the old maxim, a stiff prick has no conscience. They forgot their calling to HELP others. Instead, they became a predator.

Sadly, this abuse of authority is rarely exposed, investigated, or prosecuted. ( and make no mistake about it people of authority may NOT, in many states, legally have sexual relationships with those they have professional relationships with) Far too often the woman leaves the church in shame and the pastor carries on as if nothing happened. Sometimes, the pastor resigns and lets the church know that God is leading him to a new church. (I know of two stories about pastors who were serial predators, going from church to church seducing adult women, see David Hyles at Conservative Babylon)

I hope through blog posts like this women who have been sexually abused by a pastor will know that I am at least one person who believes and understands what happened to them. While nothing may be done legally, I want them to know that I am one person, and there are many others like me, that thinks pastors who use their authority to sexually abuse women deserve to be exposed. They are snakes of the worst kind.

A Skewed View of Marriage and Divorce

Angela Assaf, writing for the Defiance Crescent-News, wrote:

At a time in life when long-married couples ought to be enjoying what was once known as the golden years, a significant number are now calling their marriage quits and starting out again.
In fact the U.S. Census Bureau reports that a quarter of all divorces in 2007 involved couples wed more than 20 years.
“There are many life experiences that compound stress in a marriage — death in the family, job loss, relocation, a child with special needs or other attenuating circumstances — where a spouse looks for emotional support,” says Cheryl Kinnersley, PCCC, BCPCC, of Northwest Ohio Christian Counseling in Toledo.
“In this particular age group, a common complaint is, ‘You were not there for me,’ because one of the spouses has expectations of what the other should do.” In truth, she says, those expectations may not be realistic.
She has seen this situation often when one spouse has been active in the caregiving of an aging or sick parent. “The wife may think the husband should do ‘this,’ not realizing that he may be doing the best with what he has.”
Or, there may be the situation known as “empty nest syndrome,” in which the kids were a “buffer” and gave the couple a “joint focus.” She says, after that is removed it’s like, “I don’t know who we are as a couple when we’re not being parents, because they did not take the time to nurture their marriage before they had children.”
In her experience, women are usually the lynch pin in the marital bond. “Once the wife has said it is done, then the marriage is over. If she is willing to work on it, and still has hope, she will not initiate the divorce. But if she is through, it doesn’t matter what the husband does.”
There is a darker side to this gray divorce trend Kinnersley has found.
“Unfortunately, I’m seeing a lot of infidelity as well as emotional and verbal abuse. But I’m seeing more that has to do with porn and sexual addiction. They are rampant today.”
She says, typically one of the spouses is not aware that it has been going on as long as it has and generally waits for about six years before getting counseling. What puts it over the top is the discovery of the affair or pornography.
Some long-married couples try to choose a “time that is better,” she says, when their children are older or out of the home. “Or, I’ll hear, ‘I will wait to get myself in a position where I can make the break,” based on financial concerns.
“Divorce is very difficult on children at any age,” she confirms….
….There are many stages of personal development just as there are many stages in a relationship from the honeymoon period, to settling in and the child rearing years, says Kinnersley.
“Women are looking for what’s going to fulfill them after their hands-on role of mom is over, no matter if they worked outside the home or were a stay-at-home mom. They look at, ‘What do I want to do from here on out that will give me a sense of purpose and fulfillment?’ ”
Marrying again may not be the answer.
Kinnersley says that the divorce rate is actually higher for couples in consecutive marriages than those in their first marriage. Forest Institute of Professional Psychology estimates that up to 67 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
Kinnersley suggests reading Seven Desires of Every Heart by authors Mark and Debra Laser for couples of any age because it “focuses on how we are alike rather than how we are different,” and recommends professional counseling for any couple going through a rough patch.”

Where do I begin?

First, I am disappointed that the Crescent News made no effort to talk to local Christian counselors nor did they talk to any of the local, licensed psychologists or psychiatrists. Result? A piece on divorce that is horribly skewed by the religion of the interviewed counselor.

On her website Cheryl Kinnersley gives the following biographical information about herself:

I earned my Bachelors of Science degree in Psychology in 1975 from Olivet Nazarene University, and a Masters of Arts in Guidance and Counseling in 2003 from Bowling Green State University.
I’m an Ohio licensed Professional Clinical Counselor , member of the American Association of Christian Counselors, and International Board of Christian Counselors. I am certified as a Professional Life Coach (AACC) and Professional Clinical Christian Counselor (IBCC). I have completed the Sexual Addictions Certificate program through the AACC.

While Kinnersley has a degree in psychology she is not a psychologist. She does hold a valid counseling license in the State of Ohio but her certifications are from decidedly Evangelical Christian organizations. (American Association of Christian Counselors) Kinnersley’s life coaching certification and Sex Addictions Certificate are also through the American Association of Christian Counselors.

Kinnersley’s interview is skewed from start to finish by her Evangelical presuppositions. If the Crescent-News wanted to print a balanced, comprehensive view of marriage and divorce in America it should have interviewed counselors from all walks of life and not just one Evangelical Christian counselor. Because of the failure of the reporter to broaden her reporting horizons the article is reduced to an advertising piece for Cheryl Kinnersley’s sole proprietorship counseling practice. Again, the Crescent-News could have interviewed any number of local counselors but chose not to.

Let’s look at what Kinnersley says in this article.

First, there is the a priori assumption that divorce is bad. (in Evangelical parlance it is a sin) As a Evangelical counselor Kinnersley is bound, first and foremost, by the teachings of the Bible. What does the Christian God say about the matter becomes the first question asked. (at least in the mind of the counselor)

Is divorce bad? Can we safely assume that continuing in a marriage is always preferable to divorce or that divorce is a sign of failure?

While I do not have any degrees in counseling, I do have a lifetime of anecdotal evidence, derived from being pastor to thousands of people, that suggests that while divorce can be a bad thing there are many times when divorce is the best thing for everyone involved. (and I come from a divorced family)

Instead of “this marriage must be saved” perhaps it is better to answer the question “why should this marriage be saved?” Lurking in the shadows is the question “why should people even marry at all?”

Kinnersley says that the divorce trend has a darker side. According to her:

Unfortunately, I’m seeing a lot of infidelity as well as emotional and verbal abuse. But I’m seeing more that has to do with porn and sexual addiction. They are rampant today.

Once again note the Christian presuppositions. (rarely are they ever stated but based on her training and certification they are clear) Her negative view of infidelity (adultery) and pornography flow from her Christian morality. Are her assumptions necessarily true? Is infidelity always wrong?

Marriage is a contract between two people. The married couple determines what the sexual boundaries are. When it comes to sex there is not a “one size fits all” view. I have pastored a few couples over the years where it was quite clear that they had an understanding. The wife wanted nothing to do with sex and she didn’t care where he got it as long as he didn’t tell her about it.

Dolly Parton has been married for 45 years. One key to her long marriage is:

“If we cheat we don’t know it, so if we do cheat, it’s very good for both us.I don’t want to know it, if he’s cheating on me. If I’m cheating on him, he wouldn’t want to know it. And if we do, if that’s what’s making it work, then that’s fine too.”

While sexual infidelity “may” be harmful to some marriages it is certainly not harmful to all. (Perhaps Ted Haggard and his wife would have been better off if they embraced his bisexuality) My wife and I made a commitment to each other 33 years ago. We have lived by that commitment even when tempted to do otherwise. (I have met a couple of women who saw trying to get a pastor to sleep with them as a badge of honor)

What about pornography and sexual addiction? Kinnersley, like many Christian counselors and a host of Evangelical pastors, overplays the significance pornography plays in our society. Are there men and women who are sex addicts, who are compulsive in their attraction to pornography? Sure, but that could be said of everything, not just pornography. I am far more attracted to a snickers bar than I am a 3 minute video clip at youporn.com.

Most of the men I have met who view pornography are not sex addicts. When treated as a “what some men do” kind of activity the inappropriateness (sin) (1) of it seems to fade. Granted if pornography viewing becomes obsessive, or the viewer demands their sexual partner perform like a porn star, then trouble may follow. I know a few couples where viewing pornography actually improved their marriage and sex life. Bottom line, there is no hard, fast rule about pornography. One man’s addiction is another man’s enjoyment. One couple’s marriage breaker is another couple’s marriage strengthener. Once again, bound by the Bible, Kinnersley must conclude that watching porn movies or reading pornographic magazines is a sin. Bottom line…..God said.

Do couples get divorced over one person’s porn habit or because their spouse is a sex addict? Sure, but I doubt it is as big of a problem as Christian counselors and pastors say it is. (2)

Kinnersley recommends every couple read Seven Desires of Every Heart by Mark and Debra Laaser.

The Laaser’s, along with Cheryl Kinnersley, subscribe to the American Association of Christian Counselors Statement of Faith:

There exists only one God, creator and sustainer of all things, infinitely perfect and externally co-existing in three persons – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
The Scriptures, both Old and New Testaments, are the inspired, inerrant and trustworthy Word of God, the complete revelation of His will for the salvation of human beings, and the final authority for all matters about which it speaks.
Human nature derives from two historical personas, male and female, created in God’s image. They were created perfect but they sinned, plunging themselves and all human beings into sin, guilt, suffering and death.
The substitutionary death of Jesus Christ and his bodily resurrection provide the only ground for justification, forgiveness, and salvation for all who believe. Only those who trust in Him alone are born of the Holy Spirit and are true members of the Church; only they will spend eternity with Christ.
The Holy Spirit is the agent of regeneration and renewal for believers in Jesus Christ. He makes the presence of Jesus Christ real in believers, and He comforts, guides, convicts, and enables believers to live in ways that honor Christ.
Ministry to persons acknowledges the complexity of humans as physical, social, psychological, and spiritual beings. The ultimate goal of Christian counseling is to help others move to personal wholeness, interpersonal competence, mental stability and spiritual maturity.

This brief statement of required theological belief becomes the rules of the road for the counselor and her client as they travel down the road to mental, physical, and spiritual wholeness.

Here’s the bottom line for me. Angela Assaf and the Defiance Crescent- News did a poor job accurately reporting on the issue of marriage and divorce. This article belongs on the editorial page rather than page one.

Christians counselors should state very clearly their presuppositions when talking to prospective clients.(especially if the client is a non-Christian) I have no problems with Christians seeking out Christian counseling but I do think there should be full disclosure regarding the third party to every counseling session, the God of the Christian Bible.(3) Clients should be made aware of the importance of fidelity to the Bible in their journey to wholeness. (and I think secular counselors should make their clients aware of their methodology too)

Kinnersley and I agree on one thing. She recommends:

Professional counseling for any couple going through a rough patch

and I wholeheartedly agree.

(1) Key to Evangelical thinking is that humans have a “sin nature”, a nature in need of redemption through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The Bible defines sin as transgression of the law of God. (1 John 3:4)

(2) Remember Christian counselors primarily see Christian clients. Porn is a bigger than life problem because both the counselor and the client have the same moral and ethical standard. (the Bible) If the the Bible is removed from the discussion I suspect the issue changes dramatically. The question then becomes the appropriateness of porn in the individual’s life and in their marriage.

(3) I do think Christian counselors should lay all their cards on the table. When I sought out a counselor I called area counselors and asked them point blank what their view of the Bible was and how it influenced their counseling practices. Personally, I think people would be better served if they sought out a secular counselor or at least sought out a counselor who didn’t make the Bible a prominent part of their counseling practice. The Bible is part of the problem rather than the solution. (in my opinion)