The Man With No Butt

Bruce Gerencser, early Spring 2015

Bruce Gerencser, early Spring 2015

I’m a big guy. 6 foot tall, just north of 350 pounds. Thanks to my current battle with Zeus only knows what, I have lost 40 pounds since last November. No one who knows me has asked if I’ve lost weight. I have an odd body size for a man my size and unfortunately weight loss or gain goes unnoticed. Unlike most men my size, I don’t have what is commonly called a beer gut. Instead, from my size 8 head to my size 10 1/2 feet, I am shaped like a fire hydrant. I do have some belly fat, but I am pretty much a cylindrical mass of human flesh. I have the beard color to play Santa, but I’d definitely have to add a pillow or two to give me that rotund Santa figure.

Most men my height have a 32-35 inch inseam. Not me. I have a 29 inch inseam. Even worse, I have no butt. No woman has ever complimented me for having a nice butt; mainly because my shirt is usually hanging out the back. I have spent much of my life tucking in shirts that are not long enough. Buying XXXL shirts are a challenge because clothing makers assume that every XXXL man has a big gut. The shirts are long enough, but often they are way too big in the chest. Last year, I finally found a tee-shirt that fits me well. Made by Key Industries, I can buy them for less than $11 on Amazon. (Short Sleeve, Long Sleeve)  The tee shirts are well made, don’t feel cheap, and have a pocket on the front. This pocket works well when I need someplace to put my lens cap or cellphone.

Even when I get shirts that fit, I still have a problem keeping my pants up. Most people have hips and a butt they can hang their pants on. Not me. Since I don’t want to make the local news, Atheist Moons Shoppers at Meijer, I not only wear a belt but I also wear suspenders. Wearing only a belt is an invitation for embarrassment. Especially now that I have lost so much weight. I put two new holes in my belt so I can cinch it up tighter, but even then, my pants tend to work their way down. If you are a local reader and have seen me at Meijer with my hands in my pockets, it’s not because my hands are cold. When I feel my pants following the path of least resistance, I pull them up Grandpa-style and put my hands in my pockets to keep them from sliding back down.

perry suspenders

Perry Suspenders

A few years back, I found the perfect suspenders for a guy like me. Most suspenders have a clasp that is snapped on the pants. Over time, these snaps get weak and tend to come unsnapped. Not good, especially for those who might be behind me. Thankfully, I found Perry Suspenders. Perry Suspenders hook on your belt, providing a second layer of butt exposure security. You can buy a pair of Perry Suspenders for $12.99 on Amazon. Since wearing Perry Suspenders, I no longer fear being the subject of a YouTube video shot by a local resident at Meijer. Nothing like fame for having your pants drop down to you knees in the middle of the store. It’s never happened to me, but I have caught them well on their way to embarrassing me.

So there ya have it. All you ever wanted to know about the man with no butt.

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13 Comments

  1. Becky Wiren

    It’s called LOMA, or little old man ass. My husband coined that term. Guess why? 😉

    Reply
  2. geoff

    I too suffer the fate of having no ass. It’s a real pain in the ass ( pun intended ) having your pants slide down your hips all the time. I’ll have to order a pair of those suspenders . The ones with the clips suck and the ones that button on are OK but who has time to sew all those buttons on. Thanks. Also thanks for answering my question about Marjoe. Thank you

    Reply
  3. Lynn123

    I found this very interesting, Bruce. I’ve read some about different body types. Body type has a bearing on health, also. Do you know your official body type? We’re kinda unusual, I think, cause my husband is a pear, and I’m an apple.

    Reply
  4. Steve

    Gotcha BEAT on this one, brother! I’ve been complimented more than I can remember over the years on my butt, legs (and other parts:). HA!! NOW who’s the sexiest atheist alive!! Lol 🙂

    (There should be a “sexiest atheists” calendar, that’d be really cool; wonder how many of our kind would actually pose for it, though?)

    Reply
    1. Angiep

      The real question is, who would buy it?? I like me some beefcake from time to time…

      Reply
  5. Connie

    My late husband was shaped like you Bruce, and spent hours sewing buttons onto his jeans. Those new fangled suspenders would have put a grin on his face.

    Thanks for sharing them. You made my day.

    Reply
  6. James

    A latest fashion trend for 2015: the Orange Atheist.

    Reply
  7. Troy

    At least you’re a man with lots of “ifs” and “ands”.

    Reply
  8. Charles

    Hi Bruce. I have lost 30 lbs but am not as big as you. I am 6 ft and weigh 255 now, but I have really bad GERD—so much so that I often take an abnormally high dose of Prevacid to control it. I decided that the only answer to keeping a loose waist and thereby holding back the GERD is to go to suspenders. Problem is—I have never worn suspenders before and know zero ropes on doing so. The only thing I know for certain is that I CANNOT wear a belt in any form or fashion—have learned that the hard way. So, I cannot wear the suspender brand you recommend and cannot afford to get pants fitted with buttons for suspenders. It looks as if I am going to have to go the suspenders with “clips” route. Do you have any recommendations there? My first ever use will most likely be in some future job interview. Thanks!!!

    Reply
  9. Karen

    My dad would have been thrilled! He was shaped like a pencil (that morphed into a shepherd’s crook in his later years, as osteoporosis took over and as all of the disks in his back collapsed, leaving him hunch backed). He sort of had a butt before he hit 80, but the last 13 years of his life he was a belt-and-suspenders guy who struggled with the suspenders. You are not alone.

    Reply
  10. Suzanne

    We must be related or something. There is complete lack of ass in my father’s side of the family.

    Reply
  11. Brian

    Bruce, you have an ass and therefore are an ass in some respect, nevermind about the excuses. You might like to consider yourself a non-ass or no-ass but you have been an ass and will have to live with your ass. The fact that your ass-ness might be shrinking changes little overall… no butts about it…
    BTW, you are good looking man, leaning on your tree with a river flowing freely behind you! Wow! A real pin-up! I fear that Baptist women might be tempted….You had best curb this new desire to display yourself! Things could get out of hand…

    Reply
    1. Bruce Gerencser (Post author)

      I could only hope 🙂

      Reply

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