I’m a big guy. 6 foot tall, just north of 350 pounds. Thanks to my current battle with Zeus only knows what, I have lost 40 pounds since last November. No one who knows me has asked if I’ve lost weight. I have an odd body size for a man my size and unfortunately weight loss or gain goes unnoticed. Unlike most men my size, I don’t have what is commonly called a beer gut. Instead, from my size 8 head to my size 10 1/2 feet, I am shaped like a fire hydrant. I do have some belly fat, but I am pretty much a cylindrical mass of human flesh. I have the beard color to play Santa, but I’d definitely have to add a pillow or two to give me that rotund Santa figure.
Most men my height have a 32-35 inch inseam. Not me. I have a 29 inch inseam. Even worse, I have no butt. No woman has ever complimented me for having a nice butt; mainly because my shirt is usually hanging out the back. I have spent much of my life tucking in shirts that are not long enough. Buying XXXL shirts are a challenge because clothing makers assume that every XXXL man has a big gut. The shirts are long enough, but often they are way too big in the chest. Last year, I finally found a tee-shirt that fits me well. Made by Key Industries, I can buy them for less than $11 on Amazon. (Short Sleeve, Long Sleeve) The tee shirts are well made, don’t feel cheap, and have a pocket on the front. This pocket works well when I need someplace to put my lens cap or cellphone.
Even when I get shirts that fit, I still have a problem keeping my pants up. Most people have hips and a butt they can hang their pants on. Not me. Since I don’t want to make the local news, Atheist Moons Shoppers at Meijer, I not only wear a belt but I also wear suspenders. Wearing only a belt is an invitation for embarrassment. Especially now that I have lost so much weight. I put two new holes in my belt so I can cinch it up tighter, but even then, my pants tend to work their way down. If you are a local reader and have seen me at Meijer with my hands in my pockets, it’s not because my hands are cold. When I feel my pants following the path of least resistance, I pull them up Grandpa-style and put my hands in my pockets to keep them from sliding back down.
A few years back, I found the perfect suspenders for a guy like me. Most suspenders have a clasp that is snapped on the pants. Over time, these snaps get weak and tend to come unsnapped. Not good, especially for those who might be behind me. Thankfully, I found Perry Suspenders. Perry Suspenders hook on your belt, providing a second layer of butt exposure security. You can buy a pair of Perry Suspenders for $12.99 on Amazon. Since wearing Perry Suspenders, I no longer fear being the subject of a YouTube video shot by a local resident at Meijer. Nothing like fame for having your pants drop down to you knees in the middle of the store. It’s never happened to me, but I have caught them well on their way to embarrassing me.
So there ya have it. All you ever wanted to know about the man with no butt.