World Renowned Clothing Designer Zsuzsanna Anderson Brings to Market King James Virgin Bathing Suit

World renowned Independent Fundamentalist Baptist (IFB) clothing designer Zsuzsanna Anderson has brought to market a new line of bathing suits that is sure to strike fear in the heart of bikini designers everywhere. As a lifelong observer of the female body, I predict that Anderson’s new line of bathing suits will result in 17th century women everywhere groveling before their husbands, begging them to buy them a 100% Lycra/Spandex King James Virgin bathing suit.

I know God-fearing culotte wearing Jesus loving women are peeing their white full-bodied underwear in anticipation of seeing what the King James Virgin bathing suit looks like, so without further snark I give you:

I know you want to own a King James Virgin bathing suit, so, before these $80 testaments to sexual repression and shame are sold out, go to Cute and Covered and buy yours today.

In 2016, Anderson plans to design and release what she is calling her greatest work yet, Faithful Word Chastity Belts. Embroidered with  verses from the 1611 King James Version of the Bible, these belts are sure to keep frisky, sexually repressed unmarried Baptist men from impregnating you. Get one now because we know there was only one virgin birth.

Zsuzanna Anderson did not compensate me in any way for writing this glowing, heartfelt review of her latest designs. Personally, I can’t wait to buy Polly a King James Virgin bathing suit. I am sure she’ll be excited to own one.

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19 Comments

  1. Connie

    I went to the Cute and Covered site. Curiosity did kill the cat and satisfaction brought it back. Of course once some things have been seen there is no way to un-see them; specifically thinking of the removal of a modest swim dress complete with leggings attached at the waist.

    There may be others who have explored water aerobics. I know I’ve enjoyed the class, getting out of my suit not so much. Having all the extra fabric of a swim dress clinging to ones wet and clammy skin made my brain curl up. Nope. Just nope.

    I didn’t see a listing for chastity belts. I didn’t know conservative Christians bought into the whole 50 Shades thing. Mrs Anderson doesn’t need to reinvent the wheel here. There are pages devoted to chastity. LOL

    Reply
  2. Kerry

    Bruce, I thought you were pulling off a huge joke on your readers! I apologize! I had to click through to see that it was a real site with real products. As conservative as I was growing up, and while my parents certainly never approved of bikini’s, the worldly one piece swimsuits my sisters wore were acceptable most everywhere. This reminds me of the Muslim lady swimsuits that some Arab ladies designed…but I think in that case it covered down to the ankles! Ha!

    Reply
  3. Suzanne

    Aw, just what I don’t want! Something to wear in the water I can’t surf in. Dang.

    As much as I enjoy poking at the bizarreness that is Zsu Zsu I have to confess the summer they treated my Mast Cell Disorder/Asthma with chemo I came very very close to ordering a burqini for a trip to the beach. Made do with leggings and a long sleeved rash guard shirt, perhaps not as stylish has Zsu’s suits but infinity more wearable in the waves. I wish Zsu would do some chemo-swim suits that completely cover you so you don’t burn in the sun.

    Reply
  4. Troy

    Actually I don’t think they are that bad. I personally prefer the one piece woman’s bathing suits to bikinis, and while these are obviously to fufill some religious modesty requirement I think they are ok, better than staying out of the water. Really if you think about it swimming with anything on is rather nonsensical and only done as a prudish measure.

    Reply
    1. Connie

      Here here!!! I concur that skinny dipping is the best way to cavort in the water when sun exposure is of no concern.

      Reply
    2. B.E. Miller

      Yes, we all need to start doing like Europe and go to the beach in the nude. Or topless.

      Reply
  5. Kath

    They may be KJV, but they are not sun safe. They need higher necklines and long sleeves and SPF 50+ fabric. And the leggings also need to be longer. Those bright patterns just scream “look at me! See now modest I am!.” And, on a purely practical level, there is no support for the bust, so you would have to wear a bikini top or swim bra underneath. I won’t be adding to Zsuzsu’s Coffers for Christ any time soon.

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  6. Ruth

    Apparently the ladies’ size option(there was only one) is really, really popular. It’s out of stock already.

    Reply
  7. Ian

    I’m sure King James would approve of those. He would not be tempted by the likes of the Quiverfull faithful while they frolicked in the ocean.

    While still a Christian, I realized that all of the wrangling people did to stay modest drew more attention to them than just wearing a pair of pants or a regular one piece swim suit. I’m not a hug fan of showing off my daughter’s rear, but there are so many other people swimming and wearing swimsuits, that she just blends in.

    The first time I went to Hawaii, I was nervous about being around so many women in swim wear. Once I got there, it was no big deal. Sure, there were a few stand out people, but I didn’t once feel like following someone with my eyes. I was amazed by this reaction. What I struggled with was my hyper-judgemental attitude. This was even after my deconversion; some things are hard to shake. But, after a day or so, I was able to let people do what they wanted to do and just enjoy myself.

    Reply
  8. Troy

    One thing I forgot to ask in my earlier comment. Are those for both the ladies and the gents?

    Reply
    1. That Other Jean

      Of course not. Only the ladies have to stay modest, because only men look at the bodies of the opposite sex. If that isn’t so, don’t tell them: women don’t get enough perks in Fundamentalism, and it would be a shame if they lost that one.

      Reply
  9. Byroniac

    Well, we can all guess how these people feel about Caitlyn Jenner’s true gender, so my question is, would they allow her to wear one of these monstrosities or force her to wear some topless men’s trunks according to their expert evaluation of gender? I sense some hypocritical exceptions to the rule coming (no pun intended, though Caitlyn Jenner looks pretty damn good, especially for her age).

    Reply
    1. B.E. Miller

      Have you seen that meme going around on FB with a picture of Caitlyn Jenner and one of her ex-wives with the text, “That awkward moment when your ex is a better looking woman than you.” I lol at that every time I see it. Even though it’s probably not really fair to lol at it.

      Reply
  10. mikespeir

    It’s absolutely ungodly how much sinful flesh one of these swimsuits would reveal! 😉

    Reply
  11. Karen

    Huh. I wore less than that on the way TO the pool this morning (shorts, tank-over-sports-bra).

    The pool I use is a therapeutic pool, not a recreational one. There is no lounging on the deck. There is no concern for sun; it’s indoors. And watching the array of swimwear is fascinating. Most women are overweight and wear some variation of black, black-backed print, or black-and-solid-color one-piece or tankini swimsuits. A few women (who look like they might be from the Middle East or South Asia) wear surfing suits with sleeves and below-knee-length bottoms, and the physical therapists wear surfing clothes with short sleeves and bike-short-length bottoms.

    And a few fair white women wear shorts and t-shirts over their swimsuits, and look for all the world like teenagers worrying about whether the boys are looking at them. I wonder if they’re dealing with modesty issues. They look so damned out of place.

    Reply
  12. Brian

    Well Bruce, here’s the thing: Looking at all that material draping over the glorious female form just makes make me go into overdrive fantasy! With a bikini, heck it is all out there and free as the the breeze but to layer it up like that! Oh my gawd, I just have to praise that dear designer for her retro thang and glory in my imagination…. Leave it to the Baptists to know how to really get your mojo going! Oh my, this is porn!

    Reply
  13. Brian

    And the pasted article from afar is an example of what happens if God or even the spirits of the departed see you too skimpily clad or naked….

    NUDISTS HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR TEMBLOR
    Bangkok Post

    KUALA LUMPUR: Deputy Chief Minister Joseph Pairin Kitingan of the Malaysian state Sabah blamed Friday’s fatal earthquake on a group of 10 foreigners who “showed disrespect to the sacred mountain” by posing naked at the peak a few days ago. He said a special ritual would be conducted later to “appease the mountain spirit”.

    The foreigners, who included two Canadians, two Dutch and a German national, broke away from their entourage and stripped naked before taking photos at the mountain peak on May 30, officials have said.
    Five of the tourists are believed to still be in Malaysia and will be barred from leaving for committing the offence of gross indecency, police have said.
    Mount Kinabalu is sacred to the local Kadazan Dusun tribe, who consider it a resting place for departed spirits.

    Malaysian social media users and some officials have suggested the quake was a sign the spirits were angry by taking the nude photos and posting them on the internet.
    “This will certainly bring misfortune … we can’t play with the spirit of the sacred mountain,” deputy state chief minister Joseph Pairin Kitingan told reporters Saturday. He called for the tourists to be brought to justice.
    Crews and officials engaged in further search and rescue efforts were kept on edge, however, by aftershocks including a temblor yesterday afternoon that Malaysian officials rated at 4.5-magnitude.
    It sent staff and journalists scurrying out of the park’s headquarters.

    Major earthquakes are rare in Malaysia and the tremor was one of the strongest in decades, jolting a wide area of Sabah and sending people fleeing outdoors.
    But there have been no reports of major damage or other fatalities beyond the mountain.

    Reply
    1. Troy

      When I saw this reported (I watched it on CBC, so Canadian t.v.) I was astonished none of the reporters were belittling the superstitious nonsense of the Malaysian locals! None of them commented on how it was absurd blaming the nude selfie on the quake!
      As for the quake, a more plausible explanation…the mountain god…SCHWING! got an erection.

      Reply
  14. Angiep

    I lived in Hawaii for a few years. If someone had shown up at the beach wearing that horrible DRESS (not “swimsuit”), they would have been totally out of place and would have drawn all kinds of undesirable attention…the kind that says, “What’s wrong with her?” Not, “Oh my, isn’t she godly and modest.” In fact the only time I ever observed people actually noticing another swimmer was when a very hot young lady wore a thong on the beach. The men all needed to visit their chiropractors afterwards. Bless their hearts, they tried not to be obvious…it was pretty hilarious. But honestly people didn’t really pay attention to each other when everyone was wearing swimsuits.
    And if you tried to wear that thing in the pool at my gym, you would probably be told not to wear your clothes in the pool.

    Reply

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