I live two houses down from you, the red house with blue shutters and white trim. Though we have never met, I want to “share” a few things with you that will hopefully make us closer as neighbors. I really want to have a personal relationship with you, your wife, and those two darling kids I see playing in your yard, but there’s some things you need to understand first.
I am a born again Christian. This means that I have trusted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. In humble obedience to the call of Jesus, after I was saved I was scripturally baptized by immersion. Through my baptism I told the world (well I really only told the two hundred Christians who were there that day) that I am a follower of Jesus. I am a member of EXCITE® Church. We meet every Sunday at 11 A.M. over at Secular Nation High School. We are really a Southern Baptist church, but we don’t use the word Baptist in our name because non-Christians have a negative opinion of Baptists.
I am a church deacon and my wife, Betty Lou is part of the worship team. Both of us also help with EXCITE® for Kids, a program meant to coerce little children into making a salvation decision. Our pastor told us that the younger a person is saved the more likely it is they will stay in church once they become an adult. We take him at his word and do all we can to make sure every child says the sinner’s prayer and asks Jesus into their heart before the age of ten.
Betty Lou and I, along with everyone in our church, believe that the Holy Christian Bible is a supernatural book inspired by God. There are no mistakes, errors, or contradictions in the Bible. Our pastor told us that the Bible is different from any other book ever written. God wrote the Bible, humans wrote every other book. It’s important you understand and believe this. If you don’t, the rest of my letter won’t make any sense to you.
The Bible says that every person must accept Jesus as their personal savior. If they do so they will go to heaven when they die and if they don’t they will go to hell. Every human must make a choice to accept or reject Jesus Christ. So, I ask you dear neighbor, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
I don’t know what your religious beliefs are. Are you a born-again Christian? You need to understand that there is one true God and religion, my God and my religion. And I don’t really have a religion like Catholics, Mormons, Buddhists, and Atheists do. I have a relationship. Me and Jesus are tight. We’re brothers, yet he is also my father. It’s complicated and I really don’t understand it, but it is in the Bible and if it’s in the Bible that means it is 100% God-certified true.
If you are not a born-again Christian then I hope you will fall on your knees right now and pray the following prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior. In Your Name. Amen.
Did you pray this prayer? Did you really, really, really, really, really mean it?
If so, congratulations!! You are now a born-again Christian and will go to heaven when you die. Isn’t that awesome?
Now that we have that out-of-the-way, you need to know some others things that will help you as a new Christian:
- Be baptized by immersion as soon as possible (hint, hint at EXCITE® Church)
- Join a Bible believing, Bible preaching church (hint, hint EXCITE® Church)
- Start reading the Bible every day (start with the book of John)
- Pray every day
I probably shouldn’t be telling you this next one since Pastor Amos likes to spring it on new members, but I just know you’ll be excited about this, so I thought I’d tell you. Jesus gave his all so you could be saved and the least you can do is give back to him a portion of your income as proof that you really, really love Jesus. Now, Jesus really doesn’t need this money, but his churches do, so when you come to EXCITE® Church on Sunday, please drop at least 10% of your gross income into the offering plate. I promise if you do this God will open up the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing. And if you want an even bigger blessing, give more money. Pastor Amos likes to say, you can’t out give God!
I should probably also tell you that true Christians, also known as the people who are members of EXCITE® Church, love what God loves and hate what God hates. At EXCITE® Church, Pastor Amos lets us know every Sunday who is on the Official Hate List. Currently, the Top Ten spots on the hate list are held by:
- The U.S. Supreme Court for legalizing same-sex marriage
- Barack Hussein Obama
- Barack Hussein Obama
- Hollywood, except when they make a movie starring Kirk Cameron or Stephen Baldwin
- Barack Hussein Obama
- Demoncrats (Did ya catch that DEMON-crats? Ha! Ha!)
- Those who engage in any form of sex except heterosexual intercourse between a man and woman who are married to each other
If by some small chance you decided to NOT pray the sinner’s prayer, then I need to tell you that you are the enemy of God and are headed for hell. If you refuse this wonderful offer of salvation and die, then God will have no recourse but to equip you with a fireproof body and torture you in hell for all eternity. Surely, you don’t want to spend eternity being burned by fire and having worms infest your body?
And if you don’t pray the sinners prayer and become an awesome Christian just like me, then we can’t be friends and our children can’t play with each other. The Bible commands us to avoid people like you, lest you rub off on us and we commit sin. I really want to be friends with you and your family, but you must become a Christian first. If you don’t, then I will have to shun and look down on you like I do Atheists, Catholics, Muslims, Mormons, Buddhists, Liberal Protestants, Humanists, Secularists, Barack Obama, Democrats and….well everyone who doesn’t believe like I do.
Perhaps you drove by my house the other day and saw my flag pole, you know the one with the American flag and Christian flag. Now, I know that no flag should fly above the Stars and Stripes, but since the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Sodomites can legally be married, I thought it important to remind everyone about who this Country REALLY belongs to.
I hope you prayed the sinner’s prayer. I just know that you want your sins forgiven and you want a home in heaven where you can spend eternity with people who think just like me. Would that be awesome? No one in their right mind would refuse such an awesome soul-saving, sin-forgiving deal, right?
Saved by the precious blood of Jesus,
Archie S. Sanctimonious