In chapter 20 of How to Rear Children, Jack Hyles, former of pastor of First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana, gives his advice on making a lady out of girl:
The women’s liberation notwithstanding most men still want someone ladylike and feminine for a wife. To be sure, all good Christian men want submissive, feminine, ladylike, and godly wives. Yet, we live in a society which wants to homogenize the sexes. The boys wear make-up and the girls wear blue jeans. The boys wear flowered shirts while the girls wear work shirts. The fad is for the boys to be feminine and the girls to be masculine. Consequently, if parents rear a girl to be ladylike, they will be swimming upstream, going against the grain, and climbing uphill, but it can be done. If it is done, however, it will be on purpose and some of the following suggestions must be used in order to make a lady out of a girl.
1. Dress her like a girl. Let her have long hair. Let her wear lace and ribbons. Do not let her wear that which pertaineth to a man. Deuteronomy 22:5 says, “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.” The parent who wants to make a young lady of a daughter should see to it that she does not wear revealing clothes, but that she dresses modestly. I Timothy 2:9 and 10 says, “In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety: not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.”
This must be started early in the life of a girl. If she never wears pants for the first time, she will always wear skirts. If she never wears mini-skirts for the first time, she will always wear skirts of a modest length. In these days of hot pants, mini-skirts, and pant suits, may God give us some old-fashioned mothers and dads who well rear some sweet, feminine ladies for our boys and dress them accordingly.
2. Teach her strict obedience. Other chapters stress the fact that obedience is the most necessary ingredient to be required from the child. This is especially true in the life of a girl, for she must be obedient all of her life. The boy who is obedient to his mother and father will someday become the head of the home; not so for the girl. Whereas the boy is being trained to be a leader, the girl is being trained to be a follower. Hence, obedience is far more important to her, for she must someday transfer it from her parents to her husband.
This means that she should never be allowed to argue at all. She should become submissive and obedient. She must obey immediately, without question, and without argument. The parents who require this have done a big favor for their future son-in-law.
3. She should not be allowed to play alone with boys. The parents should see to it that she plays with other girls. This is important for many reasons. She should play only with toys that are uniquely for girls. This, by all means, should include dolls, doll clothes, housecleaning equipment, dishes, pots and pans, etc. She should participate in sports enough to become coordinated but she should not excel in sports. If later she marries a man who is very athletic, she could become more proficient in some particular sport that he enjoys, but if she becomes an expert in a sport that is usually associated with men and boys, it could prove embarrassing to her future husband, and for that matter, it could entice her to become more masculine than she ought to be…
…5. Teach her to be an intelligent listener and an articulate conversationalist. She should read a variety of good books and magazines and have a wide variety of knowledge. It should be obvious to any male with whom she is conversing that she is an intelligent listener and that she can understand and respond to his conversation. She should never seem to know as much as he does (even though she may actually know more) but enough to talk intelligently about his interests and to make him feel that his conversation is falling on receptive ears and an understanding mind. This means that she should learn all she can about everything, especially things that interest men. For example, she should know football, but she should not play it. There is nothing a man wants any more than to be understood by an intelligent listener.
The wise lady will never “take over” the conversation. She will add just enough to make a valuable contribution and to show her intelligence on the subject, but she will always make her man feel that he is the more knowledgeable…Though she should not be a football fanatic she should know enough about football to enjoy watching the game with her boyfriend, fiancée, or husband, if he so chooses. It should be obvious to him that she is enjoying the game and that she is knowledgeable about it, but that he can teach her even more.
6. Teach her to make her dad feel like a hero. A young lady that can treat her dad properly is more likely to treat her husband properly. If she makes her dad feel like a man when he is in her presence, she will not doubt make her husband feel like a man when he is in her presence. If the daughter is careful to refill Dad’s glass at the table, see to it that he gets the best chair, listen to him intelligently when he talks, participate intelligently, yet meekly in the conversion, she will someday transfer this to her husband and her husband will rise up and call her “blessed.”…
…8. Teach her not to be too forward to boys. A young lady should not initiate a correspondence. If she cars for a boy she may respond to him with courtesy and feminine reserve so as to let him know she like him, but she should not be the aggressor, neither should her respond except within the bounds of propriety and right. It certainly is not proper for a young lady to call a young man on the telephone for a social talk, If there is obvious business, it may be done with reluctance, but it should never be done when the call is strictly for social purposes.
9. Do not show off her talent to others. As is mentioned elsewhere in this book it is far better for a parent to compliment character than talent. Many children have been ruined because their parents were too proud of them and their performances. This not only hurts the child but it disgusts other adults. In such cases the child receives far too much attention and then wants it for the rest of her life. Hence, she becomes maladjusted. Let her gain her own attention by her performance. Let her attract her own audience by her own ability and opportunities, not by the insistence of a mother or father who is overly proud of a daughter.
10. Let her do things that enable her to be a necessary help to another who is in the limelight. This is very important for a young lady. That is why learning to accompany a soloist is good training for a girl. Learning to take dictation is also good training. Both of these things train her to be a necessary helper to someone who is in the limelight. The Bible teaches that a woman is made not for the limelight but to complement and supplement. Proverbs 32:23 says, “Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.”
The girl should be taught that her lot in life is to be obedient and helpful to her husband…
…11. Teach her to pull for her dad. The wise mother will teach the girl to make a hero of her father and always pull for him. She should pull for him in business and do all she can to help. She should pull for him in any athletic contest and do all she can to cheer him to victory. In everything he does she should stand on the sidelines and root for her dad. She is being taught to root for the biggest man in her life and to cheer and spur him on to bigger heights. When she is married she will transfer this to her husband and will be a great encouragement to him.
The mother must teach the daughter that when the father is a success the daughter is also a success. She is a very vital part in his success, and as a member of the team she can share the victory and the spoils. When this attitude is properly developed she will feel the same way when she is married. When the husband wins a victory it will be a team victory rather than a victory just for him.
12. Teach her to plan for a profession but to hope that it will not be needed. Mothers and fathers should teach their daughters to train for some kind of profession that is always in demand. There is always the possibility that the daughter will never marry or that she will become a widow with children to rear and will not remarry. Because of this she should plan to pursue some profession that will enable her to support herself and her children in any eventuality. She should be taught that if possible, she should not follow this profession when married. This gives her a dependence, if the opportunity arises to be dependent, but an independence if needed. There are many professions that a young lady could pursue such as that of a school teacher, beautician, secretary, nurse, etc.
13. Teach her the sanctity of the body. Teach her that boys should keep their hands off and that her body should be clean in every way. She should care for her body. She should be well groomed and physically clean. Then she should also be moral and virtuous. Talk with her about situations which arise in the lives of most young ladies. Teach her how to handle each situation. Explain to her that that is the reason she should not be in a car alone with a boy. Teach her what to do if improper advances are made. Let her be conscious of the fact that her body is a very sacred thing and should always be treated as the temple of the Holy Spirit.
14. Teach her to do feminine chores. As is mentioned elsewhere it is better for a girl to do the dishes than the yard, to wash the pots and pans than the car, to clean the bedroom rather than the garage. She should do the duties that she will do when she is married and a successful mother and wife…
…The most noble goal that parents can set for their daughters is to help them become Christians. The second most noble goal is to lead them to be ladies, for one of the great needs of our generation is Christian ladies…
Twisted. His misogynist child-rearing strategy would produce emotionally stunted women with no respect for themselves and no sense of their talents. Parents who followed his advice would be doing a huge disservice to their daughters.
Many women would crush this bug as if he was a mosquito. Th e only children he could harm would be young children who are helpless to protect themselves. This child abuser would do his level best to ruin their lives but any youngster with a couple of years maturity would tell him he was a complete abusive idiot. This type of scumbag for Jesus depends on getting hold of very young people to harm…..
Wow. It is hard to believe this is real. I feel sad for girls who were raised to believe that their entire identity was defined by their relationship to men.
Jack Hyles’ advice is interesting indeed when you consider what he did inhis own family. He was married to Beverly, but had church secretary Jennie Nischik as his mistress. Jack’s daughter Cindy was married to Jack Schaap, Jack Hyles’ successor, until Schaap went to prison for his sexual involvement with a teen. Cindy has since divorced Jack Schaap. Linda Hyles Murphree left the IFB and has given TED talks about growing up in the IFB. David Hyles was a clerical Lothario and it helped to end both of his marriages. I’m not sure I’d want to take Jack Hyles’ advice about raising girls. He didn’t have much respect for his wife or daughters!
This is the point! There was never any respect for a human being! He desires to harm others in a most Biblical fashion, as he sees it and he goes straight ahead and fucks everybody up! It is successful evangelism!
I popped over here from No Longer Quivering, I’ve been a silent reader of of that blog in the past few years and have been quite shocked at the requirements of what females should act or be like in Christians sects such as these.
But this post takes the cake! Are patriach men so insecure that they need their egos boosted in every single way by their daughters / girlfriends / wives? GAH. I’m thoroughly disgusted.
I’m a Christian and I don’t consider myself a feminist. But I’m so very glad I grew up with parents who consider girls a value and strive to provide them with the best education and start in life so she can go on to be successful in life.
My heart goes out to those who have suffered through such rigid, ridiculous, disgusting, impossible requirements just to bolster some utterly insecure male up who can’t seem to find it within themselves to feel pride without having to draw it from others. I pray they all find healing and peace….
I agree with you that this is awful.
This may get a little preachy, but it’s a pet peeve. I’m always disappointed when women say they aren’t /don’t consider themselves a “feminist” when they obviously agree with what feminism is about. You treat it like the bad word that Fundies do. It’s not about hating men or becoming men. It’s about being treated as an equal/ first class citizen. For most of history, women weren’t.
You take feminism for granted and appreciate what it has accomplished in the last half century, yet distance yourself from the concept. You don’t seem to have an understanding of social history.
“Women’s Liberation” came about precisely to fight the Hyles type understanding of women (lesser than/appendages to men). Don’t think so? Watch some Mad Men. Your parents wouldn’t have raised you the way they did without enlightenment about women’s place in the world – enlightenment brought about by feminists.
I was raised to appreciate how much better I’ve had it than my mother. I have been a stay at home Mom, and I AM a feminist!
Best wishes, Angel…. please read Bruce’s
https://brucegerencser.net/2015/09/why-would-any-woman-want-to-be-an-evangelical-christian/
Isn’t the Hyles’ family notorious for infidelity and underage sexual relationships? Why, yes, they are. In that case, I can’t imagine why anyone would want advice on raising girls from a man who had affairs and raised a son who had affairs with underage girls.
This man doesn’t have the slightest notion of how to treat anyone with respect. He doesn’t understand consent, honesty or honor. He appears to be fundamentally (ha) afraid of women. He seems to want women “dumbed down” and afraid. He appears to believe he can’t cope with a mature, unafraid, knowledgeable and straightforward woman. And, in that and that alone, he’s probably right.
Is it me, or does this list seem to better fit slaves?
Oh my. I’m a WV transplant to NW Indiana, and only just learned of Jack Hyles, but I was raised in an IFB church. To think that this was the garbage the pastor of our church likely learned and embraced during his time at Bob Jones sickens me. I mean, I already knew a lot of the IFB was messed up and misogynistic, but wow.
Painful to read. I have five daughters all of whom are kind, compassionate, intelligent, successful people who will never, among other things, stroke a man’s ego by pretending to be less knowledgable than some man.
I was given Hyles’ book “How to Rear Children” at a baby shower for my first child, a daughter. I never finished it and when I got to this portion I promptly threw it into the garbage where it belonged.
And, if you think his book was bad, you should listen to some of his sermons.
My father was born in 1912. He was the epitome of the upright, conservative, hardworking man. But he was also very influenced by strong women in his family of origin, as well as a culture of origin (his parents were Norwegian immigrants) that valued compromise, especially between spouses. He would have used this Hyles bilge to start new fires in the fireplace.
My mother, born in 1920, had a much different attitude. She grew up a farmhand on the family farm (two boys, four girls, and barely enough money to feed them all, let alone hire help), and as an an adult saw being feminine as the ultimate goal for a proper woman. She believed in rigid gender roles, and when I was a teenager we had many arguments about why she didn’t think women had the same value and should have the same rights as men. In my junior year of high school, I told her that I was going to be an engineer, and she responded, “No you’re not!” Fortunately my dad didn’t share her offendedness, and I did study and then work in computer engineering.
Reads like the framework for Project 2025.
I’m a girl, and too young to have ever heard of this “Jack Styles”. But, in reading 📚 these blogs now, I can see why people your age coming out of this horrible “churchianity” nightmare would not see much “good” in America’s history in regards to “Christians”. However, I think that on Judgement Day, alot of these unsung, humble, “subserviant” and ” inferior” members of the opposite gender will be given a huge, “Well done, good and faithful servant” while these proud Jack Styles types get the 👎 boot.
Sigh.
I know you mean well, but I would hardly call my past religious beliefs, practices, and experiences “ Churchianity.” My life was the exact opposite.
As far as not seeing much good in America’s history, my observations are based on study and academic work I’ve done over the years. I refuse to see things other than as they are. I refuse to color the past to fit a certain narrative. I want children to learn history — all of it (unlike what Trump is going with the Smithsonian). But that’s not what we do. We teach them sanitized stories about the godly Pilgrims, for example, but never mention that these same “godly” people locked 400 Indians in a building, set it on fire, murdering everyone inside.
Terri: ” . . . while these proud Jack Styles types get the 👎 boot.”
Zoe: Boot? Do you mean hell Terri?
What could he possibly have known about raising a woman, when he was so obviously lacking in understanding what it really means to be a man? Sounds like he was all about himself.
I’m not saying YOU were about churchianity…I’m saying that the system you were in was lacking. Too much man-made controls in it.
And I’m saying that the system I was in was different, not lacking. Besides, who decides what beliefs and practices are “lacking,” and which are not? Every sect, church, and preacher appeals to the Bible as justification for what they say and do. Who is right? I contend that the lack of “one Lord, one Faith, and one Baptism” is evidence that Christianity is a human construct, with every sect/church/pastor making it up as they go. That’s fine, but quite selling this nonsense as anything other than the fallible, contradictory, errant words of men. Divine, it is not.
I don’t think you realize Terri that you are in fact saying Bruce (and others here) were in fact “about churchianity.” If the “system” is “lacking” than by implication you are in fact suggesting he/we are lacking.
Every single belief-system is “man-made” no matter how divine you believe it is. Christianity itself doesn’t exist without human involvement, interpretation and practice.
It WAS messed up. It was seriously too controlling, or maybe it was just certain people in it. And the folks on here who feel like they were taught to be “worthless ” without Jesus is proof of that for sure. That’s a very messed up view of the Bible and it’s message…it is actually anti-thesis to it. If we’re gonna believe the Bible, then we need to have a right interpretation of it, a healthy one, not a dysfunctional one that distorts God. If we’re gonna be a Hindu, at least be one that gets the intended interpretation of the Vedas, and so on. These ‘seminaries’ , alot of us call ” cemetaries”
Please stop psychoanalyzing people. When you say “right interpretation,” you mean yours, right? How do you know that your beliefs align with the mind and will of God?
Yeah, they appeal to the Bible, all right…like the Pharisees did to justify their own selfish, predatory behavior. Uh huh. Instead of letting it change them.
The Bible in and of itself has no meaning. We give the Bible meaning the moment we interpret it. Without our interpretation, the Bible has as much meaning as a brick wall.
Which part of the Bible “changes” us? The genocide parts? The rape parts? The killing unbelievers part? The Hell part? Shall I go on?
No, that was not my heart AT ALL. (capitals for emphasis, not for shouting). Everywhere I read on here, Zoe and Bruce, I read about the ravages and defects of that church system that was borderline cultish, oppressive and so much like the Pharasiacal system that Jesus had to basically turn over on its head in His day. It was patriarchal in a wrong way, not in a servant-leader way. I’m not saying or implying anything bad about you guys at all. My heart has been weeping for Bruce and for those who lived through this. I can’t believe 😪 you guys lived through so much. 😢 In fact, if you knew my heart, you’d say just the very opposite…that I feel a profound compassion and respect for those who have been hurt by this system. 💔
Maybe not, but that’s how your words are landing.
For the record, for the most part, I was happy in the ministry, as was Polly.
You yourself have shown in multiple blogs that there were problems in it. You even went so far as to say that you had a change of heart from the way you’d been taught, and apologized and made amends to people because of it. So why suddenly you are saying. “It was not faulty”?
All religious systems are”faulty.” That’s my point. I believed and practiced my religion based on past teaching and experience. Time brings nuance.
Whether or not u approve my comments, I did answer Zoe and you.
No, really you didn’t. Go back to our first responses and read forward. You will find numerous unanswered questions, efforts to steer you into a productive discussion.
What do you hope to accomplish on this site?
I’m glad you were happy. It’s just that, I’ve read all the stuff about IFB funerals and all the ” you have to believe the same way i do or else”, and your experience with people getting freaked out just because you decided to read another translation besides KJV and have people disassociate with you because you became an atheist. You’ve painted a pretty grim picture.
You are interpreting my life through the lens of your own experiences.
IFB doctrine is, generally speaking, orthodox, similar to that of countless Protestant sects. All religions, by definition, are cults. Some cults demand more of you than others. Yes, the IFB church movement is a high demand sect, leading to all sorts of problems and abuse. But, I contend that Jesus,Paul, Peter, and James each preached their own high demand religion. Did not Jesus demand every inch of us be devoted to him.
So, the IFB church movement may cause more harm than most, but ALL religions cause more harm.
Perhaps you envision us wallowing in the grim picture painted while telling our truth, Terri. Perhaps you see us as perpetually suffering as a result of our past Christian experiences. If I may speak for Bruce as well as myself in this case, we write. We tell stories. Our stories. It’s a healing tool and brings together others who understand, though perhaps they didn’t have the same experience we had.
You many feel the urge to “save us” from our stories. In my own experience, I have believers who have told me “I’ve got it wrong,” or “no that’s not what God said,” or “God is not like that” and on and on. People who present themselves as knowing “the truth” and if only we would grasp what they are trying to communicate to us, then we’d be a peace and with God. People who cannot grasp the truth that we changed our minds about what we believed. We preached it. We went to seminary and Bible colleges. We were in ministry. We prayed. We gave. We denied our own self-care in some cases to care for others. I had one friend tell me I was Jesus. That I was the only Jesus she knew. She didn’t mean it in a blasphemed way, just that I was a good person. Guess what Terri? I’m still a good person. Going to hell or getting “the boot” as you put it but you see, that part of belief is your story. It’s not mine. I don’t believe in hell or in getting “the boot.”
I approve of this message. ❤️😂❤️
Zoe, by the way, is a long time friend. She’s understands me and what I’m trying to do with this blog.
Terri, I am sure you are trying to show everyone that “not all Christians are bad”. I understand that, however coming onto this site to evangelize, which seems to me what you are doing, I don’t think is a good idea. There are many on this site, including myself as the one Catholic in an extended family of evangelical Christians, who have experienced the two constants of evangelical Christians- constant #1- they never change their mind, at least when they are engaging you in a religious discussion. Constant #2- they never change the topic, especially when talking to a relative who maybe used to go to their flavor of church and either no longer is religious, or even worse is the wrong type of Christian. Every interaction with these folks is like walking on eggshells, and can go on for years or decades. So when someone comes on a site like this, which in my opinion is a great therapeutic place for people have had complicated relationships with Christianity, it becomes triggering, to use a newer term. It takes you back to the parent, brother, uncle, in-law who every time they saw you never changed their mind to just accept you as you are, and never changed the topic about how you are either a heathen or not a True Christian ®️.
I don’t doubt your good intentions, and I think at heart you’re a decent person, but please listen to what Bruce, Zoe and Karen the Rock Whisperer are telling you.