Bruce Gerencser Gets Saved — Again!

jesus saves

Last night, God’s bloodhound — the Holy Ghost — tracked me down and led me to the Jesus Daily website. Upon arriving at the site, I noticed a red button…

bruce gets saved

My fingers began to twitch as I pondered clicking the ACCEPT JESUS NOW button. What would all my atheist friends think if got saved?  As I wrestled with these weighty matters, the Holy Ghost grabbed my left hand, put it on my Kensington trackball mouse, and moved the cursor to the red button. I then heard a voice that said, Bruce, choose this day whom ye will serve!  I replied, Jesus? It is 2016. Why are you still speaking with first century King James language? Jesus responded,  Dammit, Bruce. I have other souls to save. Click the button or I will send you straight to hell.

Fearing that I would be soon fitted with a human body specially suited for eternal punishment in hell, I clicked the button.

bruce gets saved

After clicking the button, I was taken to a written salvation prayer on the Jesus Daily Facebook page. Having made the first step — clicking the salvation button — the Holy Ghost came upon me like too much Taco Bell. Doubled over by conviction, I prayed the prayer. And just like that, according to the Jesus Daily website — the money printing machine owned by Dr. Aaron Tabor, a Baptist preacher’s son — I was gloriously and wonderfully S-A-V-E-D. Woo Hoo!

To show that I had just accepted Jesus as my savior, I typed the word AMEN in the comments. This act of faith sealed the deal. By typing the word AMEN on this Christian Facebook page. I was telling the world that I am now a Christian!

bruce gets saved

I love the salvation Tabor is selling. No baptism, no church attendance, no Bible reading, and no tithing. I am sure the evangelizing Doc would love for me to click on a few of the numerous ads that litter the Jesus Daily site, but I don’t want to cheapen my salvation by feeding Tabor’s love for filthy lucre. Doesn’t he know that Jesus was socialist?

Notes

You can find out more about Dr. Aaron Tabor here and here.

Tabor has a plan for reaching the world for Jesus through the use of social media:

saving the world through social media

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6 Comments

  1. Middle-ager Deconverter

    Oh Em Gee, Bruce! The Taco Bell reference made me almost fall off my chair with laughter! The very notion that one could be “saved” even more easily via the internet than heading to the church building, getting that warm feeling in your heart, and saying the words, “come into my heart”, makes the entire process appear totally ridiculous and downright delusional either way it occurs!

    Reply
  2. Brian

    I would like to give myself to serve Jesus online by saying that that the good doctor is a fucking charlatan! Holy shit.

    Reply
  3. Jason

    Glad to hear this! Now you too can have the peace that passes all understanding. I bet it lightened your heavy mind knowing that Jesus paid it all for you. Never mind the fact that he simply is giving you a cure for the disease he created….. ?

    Reply
  4. J.D. Matthews

    I’ve similarly become an ordained minister with a number of websites recently. My favorite was becoming a Dudeist priest. I love The Big Lebowski.

    Reply
  5. maura hart

    1. are you lucky or what? 2. i had not realized it was so easy 3. nor did i know jeebus was doing online savings but when one considers his age and the having to be everywhere all at once……pay is worse than santa claus. but bruce is still double lucky!!!

    Reply
  6. KatieS

    I think it could be a good comedy bit to have King James Jesus face off against Living Bible Jesus. Quick, someone who can write comedy, get on it!

    Reply

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