I’m Thinking About Returning to Christianity

bruce-gerencser-comes-back-to-jesusDid the post title get your attention?

Several days ago, as I pondered ways to generate income, I thought, I can’t be a porn actor or stripper, but maybe I could return to what I know — preaching and pastoring churches. What do you think, dear readers? Should I tell Jesus, sorry Dude, I was wrong. I repent of my evil blog posts and reaffirm my membership in the One True Faith®? I know, Lord, that the calling of God can never be taken away, so I plan to start a brand new church in sinful, dark Defiance, Ohio. There’s  lots of Christian churches in Defiance, Lord, but none of them is pastored by a man with a testimony such as mine. Imagine, Lord, what I can do for Y-O-U!

Perhaps the Lord will tell me that there are enough churches in Defiance. While I certainly would be disappointed, I know there are other “opportunities” for me in the Lord’s vineyard. How about a traveling evangelistic ministry, Lord?

A former charismatic pastor by the name of Jim is a dear friend of mine. He and I have a lot in common, including a lifetime spent loving, worshiping, and serving a fictional deity. Jim now lives in Arizona, but I have had thoughts about how he and I might be able to make a lot of money by putting our past ministerial skills to work. I thought, we should get a big tent, a trailer to hold the tent and ministry essentials, and an expensive motor home to pull the trailer and provide creature comforts for Jim and Bruce — two humble, suffering servants of J-EESUS.  On the side of the motor home we could put life-size pictures of Preachers Jim and Bruce, along with the name of our scam, I mean ministry — (please leave possible ministry names in the comment section).

Off we would go, night after night, telling our stories of deliverance from godlessness. Jim, having the gifts of healing and exorcism, could lay hands on people, delivering them from atheistic demons. I could, having the gift of helps, pray for people, all the while sticking my hand in their pockets books and back pockets. Oh, sorry sister, I didn’t mean to give you The Donald®! Throw in a hot worship band with a sexy leader – why, I bet we could be rolling in cash in a matter of weeks! After each night’s show, uh I mean mighty move of God, Jim and I could go back to the motor home and talk about what great deeds our God hath done. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.

Does anyone doubt that preachers Jim and Bruce could successfully fleece the flock? I know I don’t. I guarantee you that either of us could dust off our Bible, put on our Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, go to an Evangelical church and preach a soul-saving, sin-chasing, bringing-down-the-Shekinah-glory sermon that would leave parishioners praising our anointing and begging us to preach again (in many ways, good preaching is like good sex – always keep them begging for more).  We know how to look the part, play the game, and put on our “Christian” veneer.  The skills honed over a lifetime didn’t disappear the moment we said we no longer believed. If women can fake orgasms, I am quite certain Jim and Bruce can fake being filled with the Spirit.

Lest a handful of readers miss that this post is Bruce in snark-modeNo, I am not considering a return to Christianity. That ship sailed and fell off the edge of Ken Ham’s flat earth. Christianity, in all of its forms and nuances, is firmly in my rear view mirror. While it saddens me to leave so much cash on the table, I know that integrity, honesty, and truth matter more than money. I will continue to be an itinerant preacher of secularism, humanism, and skepticism, regardless of whether it pays well. In this regard, I am no different from the Evangelical Bruce Gerencser. The message and helping people are far more important than making a buck. Yes, I need to make money….I’m thinking….how about a stripper Santa Claus. What do you think, Polly? Women stuffing twenties in my 3x G-string? Tis the reason for the season, I say.

Snark-off.

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10 Comments

  1. Bob Felton

    Years ago, Madelyn Murray O’Hair toured around the country with some evangelist or other on a bus owned by Larry Flynt. An advance man would publicize a debate between the evangelist and O’Hair, “the most hated woman in America,” and make certain there would be a crowd. The event would begin with O’Hair working the audience into an enraged froth, and then the evangelist would soothe the crowd and vanquish her. All theater.

    The schtick ended when some small-town journo caught them counting and divvying-up the money over a few companionable beers in some roadhouse, and then returning to the bus together.

    Sorry I can’t provide a citation; I trusted the source when I encountered the story, but can no longer recall who it was.

    Reply
    1. Bruce Gerencser (Post author)

      Bob Harrington, the Chaplain of Bourbon Street, was the evangelist. Your recollection is spot on.

      Harrington later “fell” into sin, divorced, “fell” into some more sin, and is now back on the straight and narrow. I heard Harrington preach several times in the early 70s. He was quite the entertainer. I heard him preach his famous sermon, It’s Fun Being Saved. ?

      Reply
  2. Ian

    Your description of the meetings immediately made me think of the two shysters in Huckelberry Finn.

    Reply
  3. Drew Costen

    The sad thing is, based on what I’ve seen of Trump’s followers, you could leave this blog post up and Christians would still fall for it. All you’d have to do is deny the blog post exists if they brought it up and they’d believe you. 😀

    Reply
  4. Sirius Bizinus

    Personally, I’d call the speaking tour “Hardcore Ministries: Getting Filled By the Holy Spirit.” Sex sells, right? I think that’s why churches agonize over it so much.

    At any rate, it’s a shame there isn’t more demand for former preachers to talk at atheist/freethought/humanist events. Being a good preacher means being a good public speaker.

    Reply
  5. Troy

    I have to admit that I’m also a bit worried that Christianity is true. God told Scott Walker, John Kasich , Ben Carson, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, to run so they’d split the evangelical vote and allow Trump to get elected. All this is a part of God’s plan because only Trump would jump start Armageddon by being fast and loose with nuclear weapons. Hear that kid’s?! That’s Gabriel’s trumpet!

    Reply
  6. Monty

    You must also follow Peter Popoff and give away packets of Miracle Spring Water. No more Prayer Handkerchiefs for this guy!

    Reply
    1. Trenton

      On that note the miracle spring water and every other trinket from popoff’s “ministry” he orders in bulk from costco.

      Reply
  7. Melody

    “delivering them from atheistic demons.”

    So that’s what’s wrong with me! Nice to have a name to put to it 🙂

    Sometimes I feel a little similar. So much knowledge that’s of hardly any use: my mind is full with it. Having read so much Christian books and articles, not to forget the Bible itself. The only thing I can use if for now is writing guest posts and comments and being able to know where to find the Bible text I need for my argument.

    That and it serves as a sort of encyclopedia when reading literature or seeing paintings in a museum, for instance, where some religious symbolism is used. Because our culture (past and present) is soaked with Christianity still.

    But other than that…

    Reply
  8. Pingback: Time Travel, Party Loyalty, Irish Eyes, New Bosses, Veterans Day – FairAndUNbalanced.com

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