Jesus On the Main Line, Tell Him What You Want

jesus on the main line

Recently, an Evangelical preacher, friend, family member, and reader of this blog, posted the words from the graphic above on his Facebook wall. These words came from the song Jesus On the Main LineThe lyrics go like this:

I know Jesus is on that mainline
Tell Him what you want
Jesus is on that mainline
Tell Him what you want
Jesus is on that mainline
Tell Him what you want
Call Him up and tell Him what you want

Well, the line ain’t never busy
Tell Him what you want
Wo, that line ain’t never busy
Tell Him what you want
Well, the line ain’t never busy
Tell Him what you want
Keep on calling Him up
And tell Him what you want

Well, if you want His kingdom
Tell Him what you want
If you want His kingdom
Tell Him what you want
If want His kingdom
Tell Him what you want
Call Him up, call Him up, call Him up, call Him up
You can call Him up and tell Him what you want

Well, if you’re sick and want to get well
Tell Him what you want
Well, if you’re sick and you want to get well
Tell Him what you want
If you’re sick and you want to get well
Tell Him what you want
Call Him up and tell Him what you want

And if you’re feeling down and out
Tell Him what you want
And if you’re feeling down and out
Tell Him what you want
And if you’re feeling down and out
Tell Him what you want
Call Him up and tell Him what you want

I know Jesus is on that mainline
Tell Him what you want
Jesus is on that mainline
Tell Him what you want
Jesus is on that mainline
Tell Him what you want
Call Him up, call Him up, call Him up, call Him up
Call Him up and tell Him what you want

After reading the aforementioned Facebook comment, I thought, if Jesus really was on the main line, what would I tell him? What would I really want Jesus to do?  What follows is my phone conversation with Jesus. Please use the comment section to share your list of what you would like JC to do. I know, Jesus is not on the main line. He’s not on any line. His dead body was buried two thousand years ago in an unknown grave. Jesus remains dead and buried to this day. Forget what you know, and play the game. Pretend that Jesus is on the main line and you want to share your want/need list with him.

JC: Hello, this is Jesus, the alpha and omega, the first and the last, God the Father’s right hand man, and the winner of last night’s Heavenly Poker Game®. How may I assist you today?

Bruce: Hey JC, this is Bruce Almighty. I heard you would taking calls on the main line today, so I thought I would ring you and ask you to do a few things for me. Now, being the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful creator of everything AND the winner of last night’s poker game, you would know these things already, I think. But, I know you have been busy helping President Trump advance your kingdom on earth, so perhaps you haven’t been keeping up with what’s up with me. That’s okay. Shall I begin?

JC: Please do, but hurry. I have Paul Ryan on hold. I have heard through Heaven’s grapevine that Paul “Ayn Rand” Ryan has a long list of things he needs to ask me about.

Bruce: Okay! Here is my Top Ten list of things I want:

  1. Please put an end to world hunger, providing everyone with sufficient food to eat.
  2. Please provide everyone with clean, potable water to drink.
  3. Please provide everyone with housing.
  4. Please provide everyone with clean, comfortable clothing.
  5. Please put an end to war.
  6. Please put an end to violence.
  7. Please destroy the means of war, starting with nuclear armaments.
  8. Please tell the religious of the world that their religions all come from the same place — the human mind.
  9. Please keep me alive until I see my grandchildren grow up and do great things to change the world.
  10. And if it isn’t too much to ask, JC, the Cincinnati Reds winning the World Series would be nice before I die.

JC: Jesus FU****** Christ, Bruce Almighty. Asking for much? I am too busy helping grandmas find their keys, curing colds, and keeping Evangelical preachers from lusting when they see a nice ass to do all these things for you.

Bruce: But, JC, your followers say you spoke the world into existence, that you saved them from their sins and gave them eternal life and a future home in heaven, just because they prayed: Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior. In Your Name. If you can do all that JC, surely you can knock out my request list in a few minutes.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN  (sound of a disconnected phone line)

Bruce: JC, are you there? JC? Hello? Is anyone on the line?

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Bruce: I can’t believe JC hung up on me.

Several months later, Bruce Almighty is watching his beloved Cincinnati Reds put a World Series-winning beat-down on the Cleveland Indians. He lifts his eyes to the ceiling, saying, Hey JC, one out of ten. One out of ten. Is that the best you can do?

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

5 Comments

  1. DJ

    Sorry Bruce…Call me a party pooper but…I’m a person that I just can’t forget or put aside what I know. For me, it would be like sitting on Santa’s lap in the mall, trying to forget that the man behind the beard is some guy getting off on a female sitting in his lap and I’m wasting my time trying to pretend he is going to bring me my wish list @ Christmas.

    Reply
  2. Trenton

    Bruce the only thing I disagree with you on your list is #10. The main reason being is that I root for the Dodgers and any team currently playing the Giants (bonus points if they are one and the same)

    Reply
  3. TW

    Hehe. Funny!

    Reply
  4. Justine Valinotti

    What? The Cubs winning the Series wasn’t enough to get you to believe?

    Now, the Knicks winning another NBA championship–that would be a miracle! 😉

    Reply
  5. TW

    Orrrr, how about the Browns winning the Super Bowl???!!!! No, wait, maybe that’s TOO much at once. How about winning the division and making the playoffs!

    Reply

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