Evangelicals are taught that without Jesus, their lives are “nothing.” Jesus said to his followers in John 15:5: I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. The Apostle Paul testified in Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. The negative inference is this: as Christians, without the strength Jesus gives us, we can do nothing. Speaking to a group of unbelievers, Paul said this about the Christian God: For in him we live, and move, and have our being; (Acts 17:28)
Next week, Michigan plays Washington in the college football title game. Regardless of who wins, players and coaches will praise the Christian God for their victory; believing that without God, they could have never accomplished what they did on the field.
Several years ago, I read a blog post written by Kristen Welch titled, It’s Because of Jesus (link no longer active). Here’s what Welch had to say:
There’s only one reason we’re still together,” I told my husband quietly as we were cleaning up the kitchen after dinner one night.
He stopped loading the dishwasher and looked at me, “What?”
“There’s only one reason we are still married and our home is semi-functional,” I said louder, over our kids arguing about what to watch on TV.
“And happy?” He said sarcastically with a laugh. “Honey, what are you talking about?”
I reminded him of the week of bad news we’d heard in our circle of community. There were just too many announcements of friends our age divorcing, and destructive behavior from their defiant kids and one too many defeated leaders in the same kind of work as us, throwing in the towel.
“There’s nothing really different from us than from this family or that one. There’s only one reason it’s not us divorcing, dealing with wayward kids or dropping out of the non-profit world.”
I had his full attention.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. The answer made me want to weep right there in the kitchen.
“It’s Jesus. He’s the only reason,” I said softly and handed him another plate to load.
We were quiet for a moment–chewing on the truth hanging in the air between us. We have had plenty of reasons over the years to give up on each other; to call it quits on Biblical parenting, to find jobs that were easier. More than once, it would have been easier to just walk away than stay and fight.
But we didn’t survive those seasons because we made good choices or because we were good people. And it’s important to acknowledge that our sacrifices, self-denial and sad attempts to hold it all together–didn’t somehow work.
No, we are defying the odds because of Jesus. Simply. Profoundly. Because of Jesus. And we both knew it.
According to Welch, the ONLY reason for their successful marriage is Jesus. Not their good choices, just Jesus. Not their sacrifices, self-denial, or attempts to hold their marriage together, just Jesus.
Welch’s post is a good reminder of the effectiveness of Evangelical conditioning and indoctrination. Starting when Evangelicals are children, and continuing Sunday after Sunday through adulthood, they are reminded by their pastors and teachers of their worthlessness without Jesus. Worse yet, Evangelical preachers tell their congregants that Jesus is the only thing keeping them from a life of debauchery. Why, without Jesus, a life filled with booze, drugs, sexual immorality, divorce, and voting Democrat awaits them. According to Evangelicals, Jesus is a prophylactic against the “world.” He alone keeps Christians from contracting STDs — Secular Transmitted Diseases.
If there’s one Evangelical doctrine I despise, it is this one. My wife and I wallowed in this pit of helplessness most of our lives. Daily we pleaded for Jesus to give us strength and guidance. We prayed that every decision we made was according to his perfect plan and will. (Romans 12:1-2) When the pit turned into a shit-filled, overflowing septic tank, we blamed ourselves for ignoring the leadership and direction of the Holy Spirit. “Wait a minute, Bruce. I thought the Bible said that Christians couldn’t do anything without Jesus. Why are you to blame when things turn out bad?” Ah, Good question, Obi-Wan Kenobi. If God is the sovereign Lord over all and controls everything, how can anything happen that is not according to his purpose, plan, and will? If it is in Jesus that humans find strength, movement, and being, is he not culpable when things end up a disaster? Either God/Jesus is who Evangelicals say he is, or he’s not. God is either omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, or he’s not. Evangelicals say that God is the Creator of the universe and holds the earth in the palm of his hand. Yet, science and just paying attention tells us that these claims are false. Either God is a shitty project manager, has given his workers control over his projects, or he doesn’t exist. My money is on the latter.
I used to do a lot of sports photography. Right now, it’s basketball season. I typically attended three or four high school basketball games a week. I shot games at almost every school in rural northwest Ohio. I’ve seen good, bad, and average players and teams. Having played basketball myself into my early thirties, I have a good eye for spotting not only exceptional talent but also deficiencies — defensive, offensive, ball-handling, shooting. I am particularly interested in how players handle adversity; say, when their opposition puts on a full-court press or puts a pesky, physical defender on them the whole night. Anyone can make shots or free throws when shooting around before the game. It’s when the game is on the line that the mettle of a player is revealed.
When players succeed, is their success due to the most awesome three-point shooter ever, Jesus? I mean, can anyone slam dunk the basketball better than God? Ugh. Their success comes not from their faith in the triune God, but from a combination of genetics, drive, practice, and natural talent. Players who excel at a given sport do so because they work day and night to become the best players possible. A player need not have Welch’s Jesus to succeed. If a player wants to praise Jesus, fine. But, make no mistake about it, it’s their hard work and effort that made them into a successful athlete.
Welch, oh-so-humbly, believes that the only reason she and her husband are still married today is because of Jesus. I have no idea what kind of marriage the Welches have, but this I know: the success of their marriage rests on their shoulders, and theirs alone. Countless Evangelical couples who love and follow Jesus just as much as the Welches end up divorced. Why is that? Perhaps the truth about marriage is that it is a crap-shoot; perhaps successfully living with one person for years, having children together, and facing suffering and loss together is due, not to Jesus, but to luck. Yes, luck. How else do we explain two couples with similar marital resumes, one married for decades, another divorced?
Polly and I have been married for going on forty-six years. We started dating when we were seventeen and nineteen. Here we are, all these years later, still blissfully and happily married. We should write a book, right? Maybe we could title the book: Seven Steps to Keep from Murdering Your Spouse. That’s right. You see, Polly and I both know that we are lucky to still be married. Both of us can point to circumstances that could have destroyed our marriage. Was it Jesus that kept us from divorce? Of course not. If anything, we are fortunate we didn’t divorce because of Jesus. Polly would likely say that Jesus and I carried on an illicit affair for decades. It got so bad that Jesus even slept in our bed — a threesome. (Please see It’s Time to Tell the Truth: I Had an Affair)
The list of marital pressure points is endless, from health problems to children to loss of faith. Polly and I know we are lucky to still be married, and happily so. Sure, we took the vows we made seriously. We genuinely love and like one another. However, lots of “loving” couples end up divorced. Where Welch sees Jesus, I see a plethora of things that keep married couples together. I know of one couple who was married for over sixty years. Wow, they must have really loved one another, right? Nope. The husband was a violent, skirt-chasing rapist — whom the local IFB pastor preached into Heaven after he died. The wife endured because she planned on outliving her wretched husband so she would get all the money. She succeeded, by the way, only to end up in a nursing home with dementia. Too bad she will never remember how she outlasted that asshole husband of hers.
Some marriages last because of children. I suspect we all know couples who stay married for the sake of their children. Why is it some couples divorce after twenty or twenty-five years of marriage? Often, they waited until the children were out of the house before they decided to call it quits.
What I am saying is this: the success or failure of a marriage rests on numerous factors. To suggest, as Welch does, that having a successful marriage and steering clear of divorce court is solely due to Jesus is, at the very least, lazy thinking. When asked to make a list of the reasons for their successful marriages, the Welches and other Evangelical couples write one big word: JESUS. I want to believe that Welch knows better; that deep down in her heart of hearts she knows that she is still married today because of hard work and a healthy dose of luck.
Sometimes, marriages fail. How many Christians do you know who are in miserable marriages, helplessly waiting for Jesus to come through for them? Instead of cutting bait and admitting that they married the wrong person or no longer love their spouse, Evangelicals will suffer in silence, believing that doing so is what Jesus, the Awesome One, wants of them. On my About page I answer the question, If you had one piece of advice to give me, what would it be? Here’s what I wrote:
You have one life. There is no heaven or hell. There is no afterlife. You have one life, it’s yours, and what you do with it is what matters most. Love and forgive those who matter to you and ignore those who add nothing to your life. Life is too short to spend time trying to make nice with those who will never make nice with you. Determine who are the people in your life that matter and give your time and devotion to them. Live each and every day to its fullest. You never know when death might come calling. Don’t waste time trying to be a jack of all trades, master of none. Find one or two things you like to do and do them well. Too many people spend way too much time doing things they will never be good at.
Here’s the conclusion of the matter. It’s your life and you best get to living it. Some day, sooner than you think, it will be over. Don’t let your dying days be ones of regret over what might have been.
Forget who “Jesus” says matters or what the Bible says. The only ones who matter are those whom you and you alone think matter. Life is too short to spend it trying to shore up a house built on a rotting foundation. You are not a “nothing,” and any preacher or religion that tells you differently is out to cause you harm. My advice? Run. Seek out people and relationships who value you as a person; people who see your work and effort; and yes, people who see how lucky you are.
Were you taught that without Jesus you were “nothing?” How did this affect you as an adult? Your marriage? Your relationships with your children? If you have been married for many years, to what do you attribute the success of your marriage? Please share your wisdom in the comment section.
Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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Bruce: “We should write a book, right? Maybe we could title the book: Seven Steps to Keep from Murdering Your Spouse.”
Zoe: rotflol
Bruce, maybe you should change the name of your Black Collar Crime series to It’s Because of Jesus. Since he’s the glue that holds it all together he must enable sexual assault. Certainly Christian leaders who want to sexually abuse others have a great advantage given their leadership positions so Jesus makes this all possible. He doesn’t choose to stop these assaults so he must enable them in the same way he holds Christian marriages together. After all doesn’t the bible say all things work together for good for those who trust in the lord. Well these so called victims certainly trusted the lord so it’s all good. There are no emotional scars, no PTSD-only Jesus who makes all things possible.
considering the evangelicals I see here in PA, they are generally poor and ignorant. seems that ol’ JC fails them miserably.
Bruce—STDs: Secular Transmitted Diseases. I love it!
Club—I think that Evangelicals project an image of prosperity and happiness because the most visible ones are wealthy and powerful: pastors of mega-churches, successful business people who are connected to those churches and (mainly Republican) politicians.
It reminds me of the stereotype many people have of Jews. It’s true that many have been very successful in all sorts of endeavors . But here in NYC, many ultra-Orthodox Jews are poor or at least don’t have a standard of living one would expect from people with successful businesses or professions. Of course, some of them aren’t successful in worldly pursuits: Their educations (or more precisely, lack thereof) render them un-equipped for anything but Talmudic studies. But the more common reason, from what I can see, is that they have so many children. I suspect that’s also true for many Evangelicals.
It’s always amazed me any followers of any Gods would even think that any god would care one iota the outcome of a ballgame. Wouldn’t a god have more important things to attend to?
And I have never met you or Polly, but from just reading your blogs I always got the impression the reason you were still together is you were literally friends before marriage meaning you enjoyed each other’s company and actually liked each other, unlike many married couples I have known. And over the years you both have obviously developed good communications skills in order to have survived what you have been through and to have made the big decision together to leave the church considering both of your early backgrounds in religion.
I’ve been married over 27 years. There have been a plethora of ups and downs. We are together through hard work, some therapy, communication, sheer force of will, and choice. There have been times when we’ve considered throwing in the towel. Jesus had absolutely zero to do with it.
I know a lot of evangelicals who are divorced. Jesus didn’t seem to help their marriages.
I second what MJ said about the Jewish stereotypes. I live near Monsey, NY and see the conditions ultra-orthodox families live in. Most are not wealthy.