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Marriage is a Threesome, Says Evangelical Doug Weiss

threesome

According to Charisma News, Doug Weiss is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I never heard of Weiss until today.

Weiss wrote a post for Charisma titled, 7 Dangerous Myths That Can Kill Your Marriage. Standard Evangelical drivel intermixed with common sense advice. However, what I found interesting was Weiss’s claim that every Evangelical heterosexual marriage is a threesome.

Weiss writes:

Marriage is between a man and a woman. This is by far the most dangerous paradigm for a Christian marriage. This is 100% a secular idea and will ruin the foundation of your marriage. Marriage is between God, man and woman. God made marriage, and He is an integral person in a Christian marriage. If He is not actually enjoyed in your marriage, you have bought into a secular paradigm.

…..

My gender entitles me to … In Christ there is no male or female (Gal. 3:28). Using your gender for hierarchy or control is not only sad, it’s dangerous. Marriage is between three people—the King of kings, God, is the only king in your marriage. All others are servants of Him and each other.

According to Weiss, “most dangerous paradigm for a Christian marriage” is the secular notion that marriage is between a man and a woman. Wait, isn’t that exactly what Evangelical culture warriors have been clamoring for since the 1980s; that marriage is between one man, one woman for life? Now, it seems, that “Biblical” marriage is a threesome among a man, woman, and the voyeuristic Evangelical God. That’s right, Evangelicals. God is now your fuck buddy.

Weiss spectacularly fails in his understanding of the secular (humanist) view of marriage. Secularists don’t, in the main, believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. Secularists were front and center in the battle for justice and equal protection under the law for LGBTQ people. We resolutely supported same-sex marriage, and we continue to support the right of men and women to enter into consenting sexual relationships with whomever they wish. Heterosexual marriage between a man and a woman is but one type of relationship secularists approve of. Why, we even approve of real threesomes between likeminded people.

Weiss, much like Michelle Lesley. about whom, I wrote earlier, preaches the gospel of self-denial. What YOU want, need, or desire doesn’t matter. The standard for all relationships is the Bible, or better put, the interpretation of the Bible by men and women who feel duty-bound to control the relationships of others.

Years ago, my best friend and I — a fellow preacher — were talking about sex. I let him know that when Polly and I had sex we liked to listen to the Carpenters — the old secular CD we owned. My friend was troubled by my “liberal” approach to fucking. He and his wife only listened to hymns while having sex. I thought, at the time, I can’t imagine listening to “What a Friend we Have in Jesus” or “Victory in Jesus” while having sex. It’s not that I didn’t have a Christian ethos when it came to sex, I did. However, I didn’t think it was necessary to turn our bedroom romps into praise and worship services.

My former friend would likely agree with Weiss’ contention that Biblical marriage is a threesome among a married man, woman, and God. According to Evangelicals, “God” is a triune being: Father, Son (Jesus), and the Holy Ghost. I wonder which part of the Godhead is in charge of threesomes?

this was your life

According to Weiss, God is the KING of heterosexual Evangelical marriages. Dammit, can’t Evangelicals even fuck in private without their God sticking his nose in their business? Weiss, says no. While Weiss believes secularist beliefs turn marriages into twosomes, this runs contrary to Evangelical orthodoxy. God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and everywhere at one time. Allegedly, we can’t escape God. He is on the job, 24/7, watching every sex act, and writing down for future reference who fucked whom, when, where, and how. Come judgment day, God will replay our lives — ala Jack Chick’s, This Was Your Life — and call us into account for every sex act that wasn’t according to the strictures and rules of the Bible. Boy, some of you have a lot to answer for. 🙂 Not me. Not my wife. Well, outside of listening to Karen and Richard Carpenter while we had sex in our Christian days and listening to rock groups such as Halestorm when we are in the mood for a raucous romp. And then there’s . . . well, shit, I guess our This Was Your Life video will be quite risque, dare I say, pornographic.

Video Link

Video Link

Video Link

If forced to choose between the music of Fanny Crosby or Lzzy Hale, I am going to play Hale and Halestorm every time. Maybe that’s just me, but something tells me I am not alone. Even Evangelicals prefer twosomes to God creepily peering over their shoulder while they go down on their lover.

Weiss believes that if you are not “enjoying” God in your marriage — and I assume that means “enjoying” God while having sex — that you have “bought into a secular paradigm.” A secular paradigm is what, exactly? Do Evangelicals have different biologies from unbelievers? Are Evangelical sex and marriage really any different from that of the unwashed, uncircumcised Philistines of the world? Or is the Bible just a facade of sorts meant to cover up the fact that Evangelicals live lives no different from their counterparts in the world?

Weiss, Lesley, and countless other cultural warriors want to control human behavior — especially sexual behavior. Think, for a moment, about all the “sins” in the Bible or the behaviors Evangelicals deem sinful. How many of them are sexual in nature? Why do Evangelical preachers and leaders have such an obsession with sex? One word: control. What three base desires do we all have? Hunger, thirst, and sexual intimacy. Evangelical gatekeepers have given up on trying to control eating and drinking habits, so they focus on sexual habits. Think about all the sermons you heard over the years about sex. Yet, despite all the pro-hetero, God-she-and-thee-make-a-threesome preaching, Evangelicals continue to do their own thing sexually. The only difference between Evangelicals and secularists is the former have a lot more guilt after acting on their natural, healthy wants, needs, and desires. In fact, this guilt leads to all sorts of dysfunction within Evangelical marriages, It seems to me that couples would be a lot better off if God and the Bible were checked at the bedroom door. I know for Polly and me, our sex life became richer and fuller once we abandoned Christianity and embraced the evils of humanism. Desire and mutual satisfaction were what mattered, not what God, Jesus, Paul, Moses, or John said in the Bible. Freed from the chains of Evangelical bondage, we enjoy one another sexually without concern over whether God approves.

Did you have a threesome marriage? How did your sex life change post-Jesus. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

Bruce Gerencser, 63, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 42 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen awesome grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist. For more information about Bruce, please read the About page.

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15 Comments

    • Avatar
      Sharon

      Exactly. On the other hand, you can have a lot of fun with hymn titles, especially with a witty husband. Of course when you sang those again in church, it might crack you up.

      • Avatar
        Charles S. Oaxpatu

        You must mean a hymn with lyrics like this one:

        Cum to the church in the wildwood
        Oh, cum to the church in the vale
        No place is so dear to my childhood
        As the little brown church in the vale
        The little brown church in the vale,
        Little brown church in the vale.
        Oh-h-h-h-h-h!!! Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum!

        Many country church choirs ad that last line to the lyrics for emphasis at the end of the song.

    • Avatar
      Charles S. Oaxpatu

      I can’t either. In fact, I eventually got to the point where any kind of music or intrusion (large or tiny) distracted from the enthrallment of sexual passion between the two of us. Doug Weiss is—-well—I don’t know what he is outside of just plain nuts. No Christian or nonChristian friend I have ever known has expressed to me any of the junk in the Weiss article.

      However, I must say that God’s apparent preoccupation with human sex in the Bible is far more than just a little astounding. If a guy robs a 7-11 store, he seems to not care all that much. However, if a woman uses a dildo to masturbate, it throws him into a tizzy, and he goes off the deep end in rage—-or so it seems. The Bible says the spirits in heaven have no sex organs, and consequently, they cannot marry or have sex. I wonder if they are jealous of the human sexuality they created but cannot engage in. You know, “By God if I cannot get my nuts off because I don’t have any, so I am going to make sex miserable for these humans by loading them down with so many sexual strictures. If I cannot have any sexual fun, neither can these humans.”

      However, quite honestly, as a professional anthropologist, I think the reason for all of those sexual strictures in the Bible is something else entirely. I would bet my list nickel that they had something to do with desert Jewish nomads, the low carrying capacity of arid environments, and attempts to keep group population levels and individual rights to property and scarce resources in equalibrium so the social group (nomadic desert band) does not starve or go extinct. Desert environments are extremely unforgiving, and one extra child shot forth from a womb from the wrong person’s vagina at the wrong time could make the whole adaptive system come unglued. Therefore, sex (potential for baby-making), rights to wives, and preventing the births of “resource sucking” children to the “wrong people” at the “wrong time” in the “wrong place” on the landscape of the moving desert nomad presented real problems that required tight, obsessive sexual controls on the nomad population.

      I would further suggest this. If the Bible events and people had occurred in a more lush environment such as the Amazon Basin, the Belgian Congo, or the East Tennessee mountains, most of the sexual strictures we see in the ancient desert Hebrew texts would have never made it into the books of the Bible—and those few that might have otherwise sneaked in would not be treated as intensely and obsessively as those we see in the various books of the Bible today. Just a few random thoughts for you to consider as possibilities.

  1. Avatar
    Sharon

    What does this psychologist do with the fact that there are tons of good marriages that don’t have Christ as the head? The idea that a marriage must involve Christ in order to be a good marriage caused me a lot of confusion, because it was so obviously not true.

    • Avatar
      Brian Vanderlip

      Sharon, please take one more communion and do it with a large Kool-Aid this time. Jesus went water skiing with a live Lazarus and their wake was all loaves and fishes feeding a starving world! Can’t you see the truth?
      How can you say, Obviously not true?
      When the devil lived in me, I used to listen to CHUM radio in Toronto and follow the devil’s CHUM chart weekly to see who was hot. Now there was this group called The Rascals and I loved them. I knew them as The Young Rascals but I guess they got older and dropped Young from their group name. Anyway, the point is that the devil had my ear and when I listened to the song Groovin’, I heard this line in the lyric that baffled me until I figured out that Leslie was a dog or a great friend to the couple in the song. As the song grooves along I could sail along so smoothly with it until the line, “You and me and Leslie’ toward the end of the song…

      Well, just wait one minute here! I get the you and me groovin’ but you see what the devil was suggesting to me? A wicked threesome with Leslie! Why I should have banished that bunch of Rascals right then and there but as I say, the devil had me in his clutches. I just grooved along in deep deep sin, thinking about who the heck Leslie could be…
      We are fallen, hapless folk on the road to eternal hell. If only I had had this psychologist to bring me back from the brink of three-in-bed doom!
      Did anybody else wonder who Leslie was and just what they were up to in those sunny afternoons?

      • Avatar
        Charles S. Oaxpatu

        Honestly Brian. I never had access to the lyrics when I was a teenager and never heard “Leslie” in the song (as such)—until you just mentioned it. In addition, I almost never saw the lyrics of a song as a message that I needed to digest, contemplate, or follow as a suggestion, command, or teaching for my life. I just loved the music, how it is integrated with the lyrics, and how it all sounds when put together by a master sound mixer. I loved most of the old rock and roll, pop, and R&B songs of the past—and still do—and some of the new music you can find only on You Tube—-sung by You-Tube-Only stars. Turn the volume up high and give a listen to this gal’s recent rendition of the famous John Legend song:

        Just think of all the great artists of extraordinary talent we have never heard and known—simply because they could never get a record deal with a major record company—under the old and almost dead music-making and marketing system of the past 70 years. Have a good day Brian!!!

  2. Avatar
    ObstacleChick

    I have questions.

    1) Is God required to be present during sex of a married evangelical couple, or can the couple ask him to leave?
    2) Does God do a wedding ring and gender check before he participates in the sex act, or does he work from a select list?
    3) So of the Triune Deity Bro-Club, who is responsible for what? I would think Jesus, having once inhabited a physical human body, would know the most about how the parts work. And I would think Holy Spirit being an overwhelming spirit that inhabits bodies would enhance orgasms. But what does the Father do, take video?
    4) Is the only way to have sex in private to be engaging in an unmarried or LBGTQ act? What about Progressive Liberal Christians or Catholics, does he join in on those Sexy times too? What about evangelical Christians who are Democrats, are they exempt?
    5) the Trinity is confusing to me – wouldn’t it be more like an orgy if you have the 2 humans and the Triune Deity Bro-Club with you?

  3. Avatar
    Brian Vanderlip

    Thanks for the Halestorm, Bruce! Fabulous Christian rock! And particularly All I Wanno Do… the Heart song, the one where the woman picks up Jesus hitch-hiking and takes him to a hotel room! Wow, scriptural!

  4. Avatar
    mary

    don’t forget about god disapproving of any sex that includes contraception. or any non procreative sex act. wow the mental gymnastics really kill the mood.

  5. Avatar
    Aloha

    Oh Yeah! Weiss is well known around Colorado, as a looney
    , and a person that makes politcina look smart~ They are always protesting something!

  6. Avatar
    Karen the rock whisperer

    Aren’t Evangelicals supposed to fear God as well as love him? Is this guy really advocating sex with someone you fear?

    Also, how can you enjoy the presence of someone you fear?

  7. Avatar
    sjl1701

    In a threesome with “god” which gender is he going to be? Is he going to be? Is he going to encourage the couple to try bi? I don’t think the writer is quite aware of the variations in threesomes.

    Maybe these people always do it in the dark and miss out on the fun.

    This version of Christianity is always about controlling everyone’s sex life and ignoring the bad things that going in repressed society.

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