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NFL Bans Prayer

nfl players praying

In a move that is certain to shake the very foundation of masturbatory Evangelical Christianity, the National Football League (NFL) told players they would not be permitted to have prayer spectacles after games. That’s right, players will have to keep their piety to themselves.

Is this not yet another sign that evil atheists and secularists have taken over America? First, these tools of Satan took over our schools and Costco, and now they have infiltrated the One True Church — The NFL. Where will it all end?

I call on Evangelical football players to take a stand by wearing Evangelical Prayers Matter shirts. Regardless of the anti-prayer edict from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, “Give God All the Glory” players should gather after the games at the fifty-yard line, kneel, lift up holy hands — especially wide receivers and tight ends — and pray.

If Evangelical football players don’t stand their ground, the Christian God will no longer bless their endeavors. Worse yet, without players praying, Western Civilization will collapse. Forget all that Black Lives Matter nonsense. All that matters is pretense and making a show. Everybody knows that God only hears prayers when there’s an audience.

And when Evangelical football players prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray kneeling at the fifty-yard line, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, their fame is their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into the corner of the locker room, and when thou hast shut the door, pray to Jesus which is in secret; and he which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly with more catches, touchdowns, tackles, sacks, and interceptions. (Matthew 6:5-6, NFLV)

Bruce Gerencser, 63, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 42 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen awesome grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist. For more information about Bruce, please read the About page.

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11 Comments

    • Avatar
      Brian Vanderlip

      As a Canadian, I have long ago accepted the sensible switch to metric lengths (Science wins!) even though as an old man schooled in Imperial, I still think in Imperial myself. Yesterday, building a shelf, I was reading inches instead of centimeters because secretly, I’m a stubborn American.
      When I observe that the USA remains unable to make the move to an accepted international standard, I tend to see yet another reason why a man like Trump could really, actually, truly become President: Stubborn rigidity is not a healthy American Way. American nationalism is blind and harmful so it is no wonder evangelical Christians are flag-wavers.
      Troy’s point is funny and well-taken and it would be quite a laugh or three to see an ongoing translation going on in every game: I can hear the distressed play by play already: Lemme see, three point five meters…. hmmm, that’s 3 x 1.09361. Where’s my freakin’ calculator! Jeez, I hope they call a time-out! Hell, it’s the end of American football!
      Ah, nevermind stubborn USA. You still have the old Burma and Liberia (and me) to send your tape measures to!

  1. Avatar
    Michael

    Good move. Through the years I’ve seen quite a few players with Muslim names (Ahmad Bradshaw, Aqib Talib etc), so it seems like there are probably at least few Muslim players in the NFL (though the name is not an obvious indication of being Muslim), who would most likely not want to take part in a Christian prayer and may even be offended by it.

  2. Avatar
    Brian Vanderlip

    I think it is tackling that is now banned. The new football includes social distancing. The field will be exactly twice as big beginning next year and lasers will be used to ascertain penalties for those who come closer than two meters, I mean yards, to another player.

  3. Avatar
    thatotherjean

    “pray to Jesus which is in secret; and he which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly with more catches, touchdowns, tackles, sacks, and interceptions.” (Matthew 6:5-6, NFLV)

    Yea, verily.

  4. Avatar
    ObstacleChick

    Oh no, if evangelicals aren’t allowed to show off their prayers at the end of a game, people might start thinking the players worked on their skills or lifted weights or maybe had something to do with success outside of influence of a supernatural power.

  5. Avatar
    clubschadenfreude

    “In a move that is certain to shake the very foundation of masturbatory Evangelical Christianity, the National Football League (NFL) told players they would not be permitted to have prayer spectacles after games. That’s right, players will have to keep their piety to themselves.”

    What? The NFL is more Christian than these wankers? Nice to see someone pays attention to what poor ol’ Jesus supposedly said about not showing off with your prayers.

  6. Avatar
    missimontana

    Poor Tim Tebow must be crying in his popcorn. I remember how he was a shitty player, but the Fundies in Colorado didn’t care about a losing season because it was more important he spread the Word with his showy prayer displays. But, fans want winning teams. How shocking!

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