I want to thank everyone for the kind words and support. I appreciate you taking time to send good vibes my way. Even the prayers, I appreciate the sentiment behind them. I am overwhelmed by the love and compassion of my family and friends, even those friends I have never met face to face.
Dr. Neil Sharma did my endoscopic ultrasound. He was friendly and everything my primary care doctor said about him was true. The anesthesiologist put me to sleep with general anesthesia. It took less than five seconds for me to be off with Dorothy and Toto.
Dr. Sharma biopsied the lesion on my pancreas and biopsied several lymph nodes. These tissue samples were reviewed by the hospital pathologist and his preliminary report is no cancer.
In a few weeks, I will have my gallbladder removed. It is filled with stones. Dr. Sharma also said my stomach was inflamed but he could not determine the cause of the inflammation. ( this may or may not be the reason my SED rate is so high)
If I still am losing weight after the gallbladder is removed, Dr. Sharma would like to see things from the ass up. I had a colonoscopy in 2007 and two benign polyps were removed.
I found the Parkview Regional Hospital nursing staff to be quite friendly and helpful. As expected, two different nurses tried four times to put an IV in. I had warned them that I was a very, very, very, very hard stick. Thick skin, abnormally deep veins. As my nurse sister said, redheads are a pain in the ass to stick. Well, I was a pain in several asses.
After sticking me four times, they moved me to the pre-op area and had the IV team put my IV in. The two nurses were hilarious. One asked me if anyone called me Bruce Almighty? We laughed and then they went to work. First time, ten seconds, done.
When I have my gallbladder removed I will make sure that they call the IV team FIRST rather than using me as a human pincushion.
I am very weak and tired. My normal health problems didn’t go away, they just rode in the backseat for awhile. Tonight, they are saying HELLO, we are driving the car again.
My throat is pretty sore and the inside of my bottom lip is quite irritated. I am sure these problems will pass in a couple of days.
I wrote the following to inform those who don’t know me about my past and present life. While this is in no way the sum of my life, it should help to answer some of the questions readers might have. I try to be open and honest. If you have a personal question you would like me to answer, please send me an email or leave your question in the comment section.
Rural NW Ohio, the village of Ney. One stoplight, one gas station, one pizza place/bar, and one restaurant/bar. We have lived here since 2007.
Do you own your own home?
What color is your hair?
Well it used to be bright red, some say orange. These days, it is a faded, dull red, mostly white. (see picture above)
How tall are you?
How much do you weigh?
I currently weigh 365 pounds. I weighed 160 pounds at age 18, 180 pounds the day I got married, and 225 pounds five years after I married. I am twice the man I was on my wedding day.
Which hand are you?
Left, 100% left.
What color are your eyes?
They range from gray to sparkling blue. Polly says my eye color is determined by my mood.
What is your body shape?
I have short legs (29 inch inseam) and a long body. One man told me I was built like a fire plug.
What’s wrong with you?
How much time do you have? I have suffered with depression most of my life. I have Fibromyalgia, diagnosed in 1997. Since 2007, I have had non-specific neurological problems that affect my ability to stand and walk. I live with daily, unrelenting pain. I walk with a cane and often have to use a wheelchair.
What sports teams do you root for?
Cincinnati Reds, Detroit Tigers, Louisville Bats, Fort Wayne TinCaps, Toledo Mud Hens, Cincinnati Bengals, and Ohio State football and basketball.
I am also a dirt track racing fan.
Did you play sports?
Yes, I played Little League and City League baseball and City League basketball. I played one year of junior high football.
I was usually good enough to make the team, but I tended to be on the far end of the bench (except for City League basketball, where I was a starter).
Should Pete Rose be in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame?
What do you like to do for fun or to relax?
Go anywhere with Polly.
Attend a sporting event with my sons.
Read non-fiction books.
Take a walk in the woods, or a walk anywhere with the love of my life by my side. These days, it is usually Polly pushing me in a wheelchair when we take walks.
What are your hobbies?
I am a serious amateur photographer. I use Sony, Tamron, and Sigma equipment.
I have extensive computer/Windows software knowledge. I build my own computers.
I also like to garden and work in the yard when I am able.
When did you buy your first computer?
1992, a V-Tech 286.
Who are your favorite authors?
Thomas Merton, Henry David Thoreau, Bart Ehrman, and Wendell Berry, along with countless other authors who have helped me along the way.
What is your favorite comic?
What foods do you like?
Do you drink alcohol?
Yes, I like wine and spirits. I am not a beer drinker.
What are your favorite restaurants?
Mad Anthony’s in Fort Wayne and Auburn, Indiana, Red Lobster, and Texas Roadhouse.
For dessert, I like Eric’s Ice Cream in Defiance, Ohio and Dietsch Brothers Ice Cream in Findlay, Ohio.
What is your favorite ice cream?
Rocky Road and Mint Chocolate Chip.
What is your favorite candies?
Double dipped chocolate malted milk balls from Dietsch’s, Clark, Zero, Zagnut, Snickers, and Milky Way candy bars, and Goetz’s Carmel Creams.
What communities have you lived in?
Over the past 58 years, I have lived in:
Ohio: Bryan (numerous times), Ney (twice), Farmer, Deshler, Harrod, Findlay, Mount Blanchard, Alvordton (twice), Newark (twice), Buckeye Lake, New Lexington (twice), Junction City, Mount Perry, Glenford, and Somerset.
California: San Diego and Chula Vista.
Arizona: Tucson, Sierra Vista, Hereford, and Yuma.
Michigan: Pontiac and Clare.
How many houses have you lived in?
16 houses by age 21 and 18 more houses since Polly and I have been married.
How many cars have you owned?
Over 60. The cheapest cost $25.00, the most expensive cost $29,000.00.
What car do you currently own?
2015 Ford Escape.
What was your favorite car?
The 1970 Chevrolet Nova SS I owned in the 1970s.
What was your least favorite car?
Any of the cars I owned that were made by American Motors.
Besides pastoring, what jobs have you worked?
Janitor, gas station attendant, short order cook, newspaper motor route, life insurance salesman, sweeper salesman, restaurant general manager, network manager, durable medical equipment supply office manager, dairy department manager, grocery stock clerk, workfare/court offender program manager, litter control manager/officer, building code enforcement officer, grant manager, real estate updater for auditor’s office, farm worker, mechanic, cable box repairman, shipping and receiving, turret lathe operator, and numerous general laborer jobs in factories.
What was your favorite job?
Restaurant general manager.
What is your favorite color?
What are your politics?
Liberal, progressive, socialist.
Are you an atheist?
Are you a humanist?
What is your worldview?
I am agnostic on the God question. I cannot know for certain if a god of some sort exists, but I think it is highly improbable. It is possible that a deity of some sort might someday reveal herself to us, but I highly doubt it. I am convinced that all of the deities in the human panoply of gods are the creation of humans.
I live my day-to-day life as an atheist. Thoughts of God never enter my mind unless I am writing an article for this website.
I try to live my life according to the humanist ideals spelled out in the various humanist manifestos.
Do you fear going to hell?
No more than I fear Mickey Mouse breaking into my house and stealing my TV.
In other words, since heaven, hell, and the devil are the fictions of humans, I don’t fear hell.
How many churches have you visited/preached at in your lifetime?
What can you tell me about your wife?
We met at Bible college. Polly is a pastor’s daughter. She is my lover and best friend. She is an awesome cook, a great seamstress, and she never lets me have all the covers.
What can you tell me about your kids?
Well, there are six of them, four sons and two daughters. Four of them are married and have children of their own. One of them is going through a divorce. Five of them are gainfully employed. Our oldest daughter has Down Syndrome.
Are your children Christian?
You’ll have to ask them. None of them is Evangelical and all of them have left the faith of their youth.
Do you have any siblings?
Yes, a brother and sister. They both live in Arizona (Chandler and Tombstone).
Are your parents still living?
No. My father died at the age of 49 from a stroke and my Mom committed suicide at the age of 54.
What kind of music do you like to listen to?
I like every style of music except rap, old-style country, and opera.
Who are your favorite artists?
Matt Nathanson, Eliza Gilkyson, Darius Rucker, Theory of a Deadman, Staind, Seether, Lucinda Williams, The Carpenters, Collective Soul, Sugarland.
What is your favorite movie?
Mosquito Coast and Hell in the Pacific.
If you could live any place in the world where would you live?
Anywhere near water as long as Polly is with me and my children live 20 minutes away.
Why do you blog?
I have a story to tell and blogging is my way of telling it.
Why do you stop blogging from time to time?
Depression and health problems.
Have you made a lot of money blogging?
Yes, millions of dollars. So much money that I don’t know what to do with it.
Serious answer? Last year, blog donations totaled about $2000. I don’t write to make money. I write because I want and need to.
Are you writing a book?
Yes, I started it a dozen times and I hope to have it done before I die. I signed a book contract last December. I hope to have it completed by the end of summer.
What’s most important to you?
What’s least important to you?
The approbation of others.
What is your favorite season?
If you had one piece of advice to give me, what would it be?
You have one life. There is no heaven or hell. There is no afterlife. You have one life, it’s yours, and what you do with it is what matters most. Love and forgive those who matter to you and ignore those who add nothing to your life. Life is too short to spend time trying to make nice with those who will never make nice with you. Determine who are the people in your life that matter and give your time and devotion to them. Live each and every day to its fullest. You never know when death might come calling. Don’t waste time trying to be a jack of all trades, master of none. Find one or two things you like to do and do them well. Too many people spend way too much time doing things they will never be good at.
Here’s the conclusion of the matter. It’s your life and you best get to living it. Some day, sooner than you think, it will be over. Don’t let your dying days be ones of regret over what might have been.
Warning! What follows is not suitable for children or fundamentalist Christians.
If you have not read the serious version of Almost Everything You Wanted to Know About Bruce Gerencser, please read it here.
I have noticed in the search logs that people are looking for information (more likely dirt) on Bruce Gerencser. They are entering search strings such as Bruce Gerencser, Bruce Gerencser sermons, Bruce Gerencser bio, etc. Many times they misspell my name, spelling Gerencser: Gerenscer, Gerenser, or Gerencer.
In order to facilitate their search for the Kim Kardashian lowdown on my life, I thought I would write two posts, a serious one and this one.
Where can I listen to your old sermons?
There are no online sermons of me preaching. For many years, all of my sermons were taped. I am sure there are tapes of my sermons gathering dust in former parishioner’s closets.
All told, I preached over 4,000 sermons.
What is your shoe size?
What clothes do you wear most of the time?
I wear blue jeans and tee shirts 99% of the time.
I still have a tie I bought in 1976. I haven’t worn a tie in almost ten years.
I don’t wear shorts in public and I have not taken my shirt off in public in over 30 years. I know all the babes in Ney are just waiting for me to go strutting down the street with no shirt. I am sure they will think, what a stud. Or maybe they will call 911.
I always wear a hat in public. Usually I wear a Reds or Bengals hat. In the winter, I wear wool fedoras.
What kind of underwear do you wear?
Currently, plaid boxers.
What is your…?
Don’t even ask. I am told that it is big enough. But, the person telling me this has only seen one flesh and blood man naked. Compared to what I have seen, uh, well somewhere on the internet, I doubt I will become a porn star any time soon.
Are you on Social Security?
No. Thanks to listening to well-off, hate-the-government preachers, I opted out of Social Security when I was 24 (seemed like a good, money-saving idea at the time). By the time I realized those preachers were full of shit and opted back in, it was too late. While I cannot draw Social Security Disability, I will be able to draw Social Security based on my secular work in July 2019.
Do you have animals?
Yes, I currently have a dog that somehow stayed behind when my youngest daughter moved out. I also have a cat. Polly tolerates and sometimes loves the animals. Thanks to my mother, I am a hopeless animal lover.
Do you kill spiders?
Never. It’s the Buddhist in me.
Are you afraid of snakes?
I do wish the snakes that stand in fundamentalist pulpits Sunday after Sunday would climb into a hole never to be seen again. Dare we hope?
What kind of temperament do you have?
Why, just ask my family. I am quiet, meek, passive, and never get angry. Okay, I might be lying just a wee bit.
Back in the real world, I am temperamental and have a wry sense of humor. I can quickly become angry, but my anger rapidly dissipates. I don’t hold grudges and I am quick to forgive.
My humor has gotten more risqué post-Jesus. I blame this on my children.
Do you have any identifying marks?
I am circumcised. That sure as hell had to hurt. I don’t remember it, but it sure left a scar.
I have a scar on my nose from skin cancer surgery, a scar on my left hand from carpal tunnel surgery, and a scar on my hip from cancer surgery.
I have a scar on my leg from being bit by a dog when I was 11.
I have short legs, a long body, and no butt. I have spent most of my life pulling up my pants and tucking in my shirt. I wear suspenders lest locals someday open their newspaper and read Local Atheist Moons Christians at Meijer.
What was your greatest sports achievement?
As a 12-year-old, I won third place in the Deshler Punt, Pass and Kick contest. There were four kids in my age group.
Are you allergic to anything?
Bees and Republicans.
If you had to concoct one meal, what would be in it?
The Whopper from Burger King, French fries from McDonald’s, onion rings from Sonic, washed down with a super-sized Pepsi. And then, for dessert, a banana split from Eric’s Ice Cream.
Man, I wish I could eat this meal right now. Sounds like a dying man’s last wish.
Do you swear?
Have you ever killed anyone?
Just myself, one fast food and junk food meal at a time.
Have you ever looked at pornography?
Really, you are asking this? I am a guy. Next question.
Have you ever committed adultery?
Yes. Jesus said if I look at a woman in lust I have committed adultery with her in my heart. I must admit I have an adulterous heart. My wife now says we are in an open marriage, so I can look but not touch. Touching will bring the death penalty.
Do you have any irrational fears?
One — flying on an airplane. I did it once and it ain’t happening again, ever! If my brother or sister in Arizona dies before me, they better keep them on ice until I get there. I will be taking the bus or Polly will be driving me. No planes. The good news is that I will likely die before they do, so I don’t have to worry about flying again.
Have you ever committed a crime?
Felony or misdemeanor?
I shoplifted clothing as a teenager, mainly Levi jeans. My Dad thought Rink’s Bargain City, also known as Bargain Shitty, and Twin Fair were fine clothing stores.
Years ago, I stiffed the IRS by not claiming cash gifts from parishioners as income. This is a common practice among clergy.
A teenage friend of mine and I stole his father’s 1955 Chevrolet and turfed a bunch of lawns. We made the newspaper the next day.
As a teenager I pelted cars with apples, water balloons, and snowballs. I now threaten to beat the shit out of kids who do the same to me.
I have had more traffic tickets than I can count, but none since 1985.
In 2014, I found $27 in a school parking lot. I thanked the Sky God for his blessing and put it in my pocket. I did look to see if anyone was nearby to whom the money might belong. My eyesight was pretty bad. After the game, I used the money to buy dinner.
What are your favorite sodas?
Pepsi, Suncrest Cream Soda, Jones Cream Soda, Big Red, and Faygo Rock and Rye.
I refuse to drink diet pop. Diet pop is like taking Vicodin without the Hydrocodone. Why bother?
What are seven things you hate?
Any team from Ann Arbor, Michigan that is playing Ohio State.
The Saint Louis Cardinals.
Fundamentalism, wherever it is found.
Rude, self-absorbed people.
Any fart but my own.
What is your favorite practical joke?
I put brown shoe polish on toilet paper and then came out of the bathroom screaming at my kids about who left the shitty toilet paper in the bathroom. Much to their horror, I proceeded to put the toilet paper in my mouth.
Have you ever used illegal drugs?
Never, but I sure would like a joint. I think it would help with my pain. Anyone from Colorado coming this way? Please, don’t send me pot in the mail. Front door deliveries only.
Have you ever had an affair?
Only with God, Jesus, and the church. They sure turned out to be lousy lovers.
What’s the oldest thing in your house?
You mean beside me and Polly?
Old photos of family are the treasure I hold on to. I have the baseball glove I bought at the age of 14 from JC Penny. I also have a knife my Dad gave me 47 years ago.
What are your favorite homemade desserts?
Vanilla pudding with vanilla wafers and meringue on top, but only if it is made exactly like my mom made it. Polly has finally perfected the recipe, so she no longer has to hear me say, “this ain’t like Mom’s.”
Oatmeal, raisin, and chocolate chip cookies.
Any cake my mother-in-law-makes.
Oreos — they are homemade, right?
What things do you refuse to get rid of?
I’ve had the same metal desk and file cabinet in my office for 33 years. They were made in the 1950s, back when Americans made stuff.
What was the first car you owned?
My first car was a 1960 Mercury Comet. I let an unlicensed friend of mine drive it one day and he lost control of it. The car hit a ditch bank and flipped over several times. He ended up in the back with the seat on top of him and I ended up with my head sticking out of where the windshield used to be. The car was totaled. I paid $200 for the car. To hear my friend tell it, we were going 100 mph when he lost control. The car had a six cylinder 144 CID motor, with a top speed of 68 mph. He was actually doing about 40 mph when he lost control.
What magazines do you read?
I now subscribe to Apple’s $9.99 a month magazine service. I read the magazines on my iPad Pro.
I also read magazines when I use the toilet. If no magazine is available, I read the ingredients on whatever is nearby. Always learning.
If you could sit anywhere with Polly where would it be?
Okay Bruce, they want a romantic answer. The fifty yard line at the Super Bowl is not what they are looking for.
On the banks of the Blanchard River, Riverside Park, Findlay, Ohio.
The eastern shore of Lake Michigan when the sun is setting.
What are your toilet habits?
I put the seat up when I pee and I don’t put it back down — that is IF I make it to the toilet before my bladder screams PEE! I have no ability to keep from urinating. So, when it is time to go, it is really time to go, like n-o-w.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper roll dispenses the paper.
Do you have a reoccurring dream?
Yes, and it involves Pamela Anderson. Enough said.
I hope you have had some fun with this post. I have no doubt this will not satisfy those looking to get some dirt on me or discover who the r-e-a-l Bruce Gerencser is. Who knows, maybe they will find out I am really a cross-dressing, vegan, University of Michigan-loving man. After all, the lies told about a person always make for better news than the truth.
1971-1972 was an eventful period for me. I was saved at an Al Lacy revival meeting, baptized, and called to preach. My parents divorced and remarried. I missed almost a month of school due to coming down with mumps and chicken pox. What a year, right?
I also saw a doctor for unexplained pains in my joints, especially my toes and elbows. The pain was so bad I couldn’t throw a baseball and THAT was a big deal to me at the time. The doctor said I was having “growing pains”. I did grow a lot in 9th and 10th grade, over 7 inches, so growing pains, at the times, made sense. I now know that the doctor didn’t know what was wrong with me and gave me a meaningless diagnosis.
If that wasn’t enough, some of the neighbor boys and I decided to go swimming in one of the nearby ponds along I-75. The pond was dug out when they needed dirt for overpass construction. I had fished this pond many times, and in the winter the neighbor boys would skate on the pond and play hockey.
A day or so after swimming in the pond, we all came down with mysterious blisters on our skin. My parents took me to the ER and one of the boys had to hospitalized. Doctors theorized that we are “exposed” to something in the water. We later found chemical barrels that had been dumped in the pond. I have often wondered what I was exposed to on that warm summer day in 1971?
And, I must not forget, 1971 was the year I was stung by a bee and had to be rushed to the ER because my air way was swelling shut and my eyes were swollen shut. Evidently, I was allergic to bees. (I am still allergic but less so since I had allergy shots years ago)
When I was 18, I started having swelling in my big toes. The Arizona doctor said I had gout. Other doctors, years later, said I didn’t have gout. At the time of my original diagnosis I had high uric acid levels, the telltale sign for gout. Years later, my uric acid levels were normal. So, did I really have gout? I don’t know.
As I got older, doctors treated me for chronic bronchitis and arthritis. One doctor told me the arthritis was the price I paid for playing contact sports. Years later, a different doctor told me the first doctor was full of crap. Yes, I now had arthritis in my shoulders, back, feet, and hands, but there was no way to KNOW if it was caused by contact sports. Dueling doctors, the bane of the chronically ill who are looking for answers.
In 1989, I came down with pneumonia. The doctor wanted to hospitalize me, but we didn’t have insurance so he agreed to treat me at home as long as I came to see him every few days. Years later, I had another bout of pneumonia, along with several bouts of pleurisy.
In 1991, I began to feel tired. The doctor thought I had a virus of some sort. This went on for weeks and weeks until the doctor decided to do some tests. He found out I had mononucleosis. I was 34 years old and mono can cause serious problems for adults. It did for me.
The doctor put me on a herpes drug. Mononucleosis is caused by the Epstein-Barr virus, and since herpes is caused by the same virus the doctor though the drug might help. It didn’t and a week later Polly rushed me to the ER in Zanesville, Ohio where they immediately admitted me. I had a high fever and my spleen and liver were swollen. There was so much infection in my system that my tonsils and adenoids were white.
An internist came in to see me and told me that my immune system was crashing and that if it didn’t pick up there was nothing they could do for me. This was the moment, THAT moment, when I realized, for the first time, that I was mortal. Prior to this moment, dying never crossed my mind. I had a family and church to take care of and I had thought of and no time for dying.
After my release from the hospital, I spent about a month in bed. I lost over 50 pounds. From this point forward, I became more susceptible to viruses. It seemed then and still does today that I catch any and every bug that is floating around.
The strangest thing to come out of the mono episode was my normal body temperature changed. My new normal is 97 degrees. This poses a problem any time I get a new nurse and have a fever. She will take my temperature and say, it’s up a little, 99.8 degrees. I will then mention that my normal body temperature is 97 degrees, so 99.8 degrees for me is like 101.4 degrees for a normal person. Sadly, most nurses ignore me.
In 1996, I began to feel tired all the time. I mean really, really tired. And my muscles hurt. I went to one doctor who basically told me it was all in my head. I went to another doctor, the doctor who is still my primary care doctor, and over the next year he concluded I had Fibromyalgia. Since 1997, my primary diagnosis has been Fibromyalgia.
For about 10 years, my symptoms would come and go, always there but not always prominent. Being a work-a-holic with a Type A personality, having Fibromyalgia certainly cramped my ability to burn the candle at both ends, but I learned to manage my symptoms. Well, not really. I would work, work, work and then crash. I continue to repeat this cycle today. I have never been very good at taking it easy or resting. Of course, now it is different for me because I can no longer put mind over matter. My body has the upper hand and it controls many aspects of my life. I manage, but I no longer have the ability to ignore what my body is telling me.
In 2007, I began having neurological problems that my doctor doubted were Fibromyalgia related. I now had numbness in my face and thighs and I was losing muscle strength. A 15 minute walk in a store proved to be (and still does) a very painful and debilitating experience. By the time I am done walking, my thighs are numb, yet they are burning. The numbness and burning subside once I sit down in the car.
My primary care doctor sent me to Toledo to have a complete battery of tests, including a lumbar puncture. He wondered if I had multiple sclerosis. The tests came back inconclusive, and two brain scans later I am no closer to knowing what is causing the neurological problems. Some day my tombstone will read, Died of Hell if I Know Disease.
Today, the pain and debility continue to render me a shell of the man I once was. While I am grateful for still having most of my mental faculties (outside of the short-term memory problems I have, I do miss Bruce Almighty, the man with a strong body and a strong grip, able to do whatever he put his mind to. Those days are long gone and all the wishing in the world won’t bring them back. But, wishing is what old men do, especially those whose bodies are racked by the ravages of disease.
Age has added diabetes and high blood pressure to my plate. A slight bit of good news? My recent A1C level was 6.5. This means my diabetes is well controlled. Yea!
Recent months have brought new problems. I detailed those in a previous post. Tomorrow, I have an MRI and hopefully we will then know if it is something, maybe something, or nothing. After my recent CT scan, I spent significant time reading about pancreas and gallbladder problems. My doctor knows I will always educate myself. I want to be an informed patient.
I had an appointment with him a few hours ago. Refills, a new prescription for the horrible constipation I now have. I asked him what he thought about the CT scan results. He said he didn’t want to speculate and wanted to wait for the MRI results. Hopefully, he will receive the results sometime late tomorrow and call me.
I asked my doctor if the MRI could definitively determine if I had pancreatic cancer or a pancreatic cyst. He said, yes. I told him I had done a fair bit of reading on the subject. I laughed a bit and said, my diagnosis ranges from watch and wait to it sucks to be you. The doctor smiled. He knows my diagnosis is correct. If it is pancreatic cancer, it does suck to be me. He hopes it is not. If it is, then it is likely I will have to have a biopsy done. He also thinks I will need to have my gallbladder removed.
I am detailing my story to hopefully give readers some sort of context for understanding the health problems I have. For me personally, I wonder how I got to where I am today? Did my current health problems find their root in 1971-72 and it has taken all these years to bear fruit? Perhaps mononucleosis altered my immune system? Was I exposed to a cancer causing chemical in pond water 40 plus years ago?
I don’t think I will likely ever know. I do subscribe to the cumulative effect theory. Environmental exposure, eating habits, poverty, and genetics added together have brought me to where I am today. It’s not one thing, it’s everything, everything being life. We all have to die of something and my something has made itself known. (that is if I don’t trip over the cat in the middle of the night and break my neck)
Recently, someone asked me if I was worried about the possibility of having cancer? (I have already had cancer, skin cancer) They said, answering for me, how could you not be worried, right? Just asking this question reveals they don’t know me very well or haven’t been paying attention. Worry is not part of who I am. I am stoic about life, perhaps even a bit fatalistic. If I have cancer I can’t change that I have it. Worrying and fretting does me no good. In fact, it increases my pain levels. So, I try to channel my inner Buddha and relax. Life is what it is and all I can do is take what comes. Yes, if it is cancer, I will have decisions to make. If it is not cancer, I will still have decisions to make. Either way, I will educate myself and make informed decisions. Isn’t that all any of us can do?
A number of readers have inquired about my health so I thought I would take a few moments to share with you how things are t-o-d-a-y. I am hesitant to write anything since there are still some tests that need to be run, but I don’t want to keep my friends (and enemies) in the dark.
When I stopped blogging 4 months ago, I said “that’s it.” My health is such that it is very hard on me to write. But, I learned that my health didn’t get any better after I stopped blogging. Mentally and emotionally things got worse.
Since I am pretty much home bound, this blog allows me to connect with people who I consider friends. This is very important to me. Just today, I received a Christmas card from one of my Canadian friends, Carmen. We have never met, likely will never meet, yet I consider her a friend. More than a few times, her cheerful emails and letters have encouraged me. My life would be much poorer without the internet friendships I have made over the past 8 years.
I remain passionate about life and writing allows me to express that passion. I thought I could just turn it off and move on, but I found out I couldn’t. So, I plan to continue blogging until I d-i-e. Which, brings me to the health update.
About six months ago, I started having wild fluctuations in body temperature, similar to the hot flashes women have. One moment I am cold and wearing a beanie and the next moment I need to turn the fan on. This happens numerous times a day.
Over the past ten weeks I have lost 35 pounds, and no I am not on a diet. I have lost my appetite and my stomach often feels full. Simply put, I don’t feel like eating. And believe me, developing the svelte body I now have has required a good bit of eating. My weight is the lowest it has been in over a decade.
I have blood work done 4-6 times a year. Over the past 3 years, my SED rate has been slowly increasing. 15 is the norm and it reached 35 two months ago. Well, last week I had blood work done and the SED rate had jumped from 35 to 67. This rate increase can mean many things, from infection to inflammation to cancer.
During this time, I am also dealing with an unexplained problem with my left foot. 4 months ago, all of a sudden, my foot started swelling and turned yellow and red. I also had sustained spikes in body temperature. Infection right? Blood tests were normal. The first doctor said I had cellulitus, the next doctor said I had phlebitis. The foot doctor said I have a ganglion cyst in my foot.
The discoloration went away, but the foot continues to swell if I don’t keep it elevated. Compared to the pervasive, unrelenting pain I have to deal with, the pain from the foot is barely noticeable. My family doctor ordered an ultrasound of my foot. I went in for the ultrasound and they tested my left leg instead. I tried to tell them they were doing the wrong test but they assured me…doctor’s order. I have been unable to pin down whether it was the doctor or the lab that made the error, but in the process of doing the ultrasound on my leg they found an enlarged lymph node in my groin.
Taking all of these factors together, my primary doctor ordered a CT scan of my chest, abdomen, and groin. This test was done on Monday and was, in itself, a comedy of errors. Due to an ER emergency I had to wait 50 minutes for my scan. Then the tech had problems getting an IV started and it took 2 people 15 minutes to put my IV in. I have thick skin, deep veins. As any nurse or phlebotomist will tell you, redheads are a pain in the ass to stick. Once the IV was in it was time to start the contrast. Technical error again. The contrast diffuser wasn’t working. 15 minutes later the problem was located, a disconnected cable on the back of the computer.
Finally, I had the CT scan. The scan itself only took a few minutes, one quick scan, one slow scan, one slow scan with contrast. Here’s the results:
MEDIASTINUM: No significant paracardiac effusion. No enlarged mediastinal or hilar lymph nodes are seen. Mild dilatation of the ascending thoracic aorta to 4.1 cm.
LUNGS: No focal lung opacities or pleural effusions. Calcified granuloma in the left upper lobe.
LIVER: Mild fatty infiltration with no focal lesions identified.
GALLBLADDER AND BILIARY SYSTEM: The gallbladder lumen is replaced by high attenuation, which may reflect numerous gallstones or high density sludge.
SPLEEN: No significant abnormality.
PANCREAS: There is a small hypodense lesion in the uncinate process of the pancreas, measuring approximately 7 x 5 mm axially (image 71 ) and 12 mm craniocaudally (coronal image 55). There is no pancreatic duct dilatation. There are mildly prominent peripancreatic lymph nodes measuring 11 and 8 mm in short axis (axial images 64 and 65).
ADRENAL GLANDS: No significant abnormality. KIDNEYS: No significant abnormality.
BOWEL AND MESENTERY: No focal bowel wall thickening or dilatation. Normal appendix. Sigmoid diverticula with no evidence of acute diverticulitis.
URINARY BLADDER: No significant abnormality.
OTHER PELVIC STRUCTURES: No significant abnormality.
BONES AND SOFT TISSUES: 4 cm intramuscular lipoma is seen in the left lateral abdominal musculature (axial image 58). Sclerotic focus in the anterior column of the left acetabulum may represent a benign bone island in isolation. Degenerative changes affect the thoracolumbar spine.
OTHER: Minimal atherosclerotic calcifications affect the abdominal aorta and branch vessels.
IMPRESSION: 1. Small lesion in the pancreatic head. While this may represent fatty infiltration, neoplasm cannot be excluded. Followup contrast-enhanced MRI is recommended. 2. Prominent peripancreatic lymph nodes. 3. Abnormal high attenuation in the lumen of the gallbladder may reflect numerous gallstones or high-density sludge. Right upper quadrant ultrasound is recommended for further evaluation. 4. Other findings as above. Professional Interpretations by FW RADIOLOGY
I texted my primary care doctor today and he plans to call me tomorrow morning. Here’s what he texted me:
At children’s christmas program. Can’t call. Abnormal pancreas. May need ERCP instead of MRI. But could do MRI first. Concerning but sometimes turns out benign cyst. Will call you in AM.
That’s it for now. When I know more, I will let you all know. These problems are new problems, above and beyond the other health problems I have. I remain stoic, as always. It is what it is and we live until we die. I know some want to cheer me on but I am OK. Long ago, I realized that health problems are my lot in life. I embrace them and try to manage the best I can. Right now I am focused on what’s ahead and having enough appetite to eat all those awesome cookies Polly makes for me. That and looking forward to an awesome Sunday Christmas gathering with my kids and grandkids.