The Life and Times of Bruce Gerencser

Series: Songs of Sacrilege

  • Songs of Sacrilege: The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates

    This is the eleventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates. Garfunkel and Oates is an American comedy–folk duo from Los Angeles, California, consisting of actress–songwriters Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci. Warning! This song contains sexually explicit lyrics.

    Lest anyone doubt the premise of this song, I know Christians who once believed anal and oral sex was not sinful. This is the natural conclusion of trying to develop a sexual ethic with a literal/fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible.

     

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    All my life I’ve been good
    Do what my mom and dad and God say I should
    Go to church and Bible School
    To live by God’s rule

    So whatever people tell me
    That The Bible tells me
    I will do

    Walk the halls of high school with my purity ring
    Unlike those other girls, I’ve got my morals in check
    It was easy to do until I got a boyfriend
    And pardon my French, but he’s cute as heck

    But I made a pact
    To keep my hymen intact
    And Jesus and I are tight

    Never learned about the birds and the bees
    I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
    Cause The Bible says premarital sex is wrong
    But Jason says that guys can’t wait that long

    I don’t want to lose him
    To someone who’ll do him
    I need to figure something out

    Well there’s a loophole in The Scripture that works really well
    So I can get him off without going to hell
    It’s my Hail Mary, full of grace
    In Jesus’ name we go to fifth base!

    Oh, thank you for making me holy
    And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
    And since I’m not a godless whore
    He’ll have to come in the back door
    Therefore

    Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
    The good Lord would want it that way
    Gimme that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
    It’s just between you and me
    Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

    It’s hard to be as pure as me
    To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
    To wait until my marriage bed
    To give my husband my unsullied maiden head

    So take your cock out
    Shove it in my ass
    Fuck me until you come

    Oops! I mean let’s join our souls
    And unite our bodies
    And fly with the wings of God

    Whatever you do, don’t touch my clitoris
    If you ring Satan’s doorbell, God can’t ignore this
    And no prophylactics when you put it in
    Cause birth control’s for sluts and it’s a sin

    I’ve emptied my bowels
    And laid out the towels
    I’m ready for romance

    Now I’m praying to the Power that’s the Highest
    But of all of my holes, this ones the driest
    And we can’t procreate if we anally copulate
    And God is OK with sodomy, but only if you’re straight

    And I’m staying pure, no matter what
    So I’m OK with everything butt
    Everything butt
    Everything butt

    Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
    The good Lord would want it that way
    Gimme that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization
    It’s just between you and me
    Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

    I do whatever The Bible tells me to
    Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
    Because they’re unrealistic and inconvenient
    But the rest I live by for sure

    So let’s not talk about how the Good Book bans shellfish, polyester and divorce
    And how it condones slavery and killing gays because those parts don’t count, of course
    Let’s cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry and mine it for ambiguities and omissions
    To circumvent any real sacrifice, but still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions

    And don’t you dare question my convictions
    And don’t look closely at the contradictions
    Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
    And have faith in its complete jurisdiction

    As the only way to measure if you’re good or not
    And in a debate, just say to “have faith”
    Because when you’re up against logic, it’s the only card you’ve got

    So close your eyes
    Take a deep breath
    And..

    Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
    The good Lord would want it that way
    Gimme that sweet sensation of an irrational rationalization
    It’s just between you and me
    Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

    Yeah, my chastity belt has locks
    But sometimes you need to think outside the box

  • Songs of Sacrilege: Thank You God by Tim Minchin

    This is the twelfth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Thank You God by Tim Minchin, a British-born Australian comedian, actor, and musician.

    There is a comedy bit for the first 5 minutes. the song begins at the 5:25 mark.

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    I have an apology to make
    I’m afraid I’ve made a big mistake
    I turned my face away from you, Lord

    I was too blind to see the light
    I was too meek to feel Your might
    I closed my eyes; I couldn’t see the truth, Lord

    But then like Saul on the Damascus road,
    You sent a messenger to me, and so
    Now I’ve have had the truth revealed to me
    Please forgive me all those things I said
    I’ll no longer betray you, Lord
    I will pray to you instead

    And I will say thank you, thank you
    Thank you, God
    Thank you, thank you
    Thank you, God…

    Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum
    I had no idea, but it’s suddenly so clear now
    I feel such a cynic, how could I have been so wrong?
    Thank you for displaying how praying works:
    A particular prayer in a particular church
    Thank you Sam for the chance to acknowledge this
    Omnipotent ophthalmologist

    Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum
    I didn’t realize that it was so simple
    But you’ve shown a great example of just how it can be done
    You only need to pray in a particular spot
    To a particular version of a particular god,
    And if you pull that off without a hitch,
    He will fix one eye of one middle-class white bitch

    I know in the past my outlook has been limited
    I couldn’t see examples of where life had been definitive
    But I can admit it when the evidence is clear,
    As clear as Sam’s mum’s new cornea
    (And that’s extremely clear! )

    Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum
    I have to admit that in the past I have been skeptical
    But Sam described this miracle and I am overcome!
    How fitting that the sighting of a sight-based intervention
    Should open my eyes to this exciting new dimension
    It’s like someone put an eye chart up in front of me
    And the top five letters say: I C, G O D

    Thank you, Sam, for showing how my point of view has been so flawed
    I assumed there was no God at all but now I see that’s cynical
    It’s simply that his interests aren’t particularly broad
    He’s largely undiverted by the starving masses,
    Or the inequality between the various classes
    He gives out strictly limited passes,
    Redeemable for surgery or two-for-one glasses

    I feel so shocking for historically mocking
    Your interests are clearly confined to the ocular
    I bet given the chance, you’d eschew the divine
    And start a little business selling contacts online

    Fuck me Sam, what are the odds
    That of history’s endless parade of gods
    That the God you just happened to be taught to believe in
    Is the actual God and he digs on healing,
    But not the AIDS-ridden African nations
    Nor the victims of the plague, nor the flood-addled Asians,
    But healthy, privately-insured Australians
    With common and curable lens degeneration

    The story of Sam’s has but a single explanation:
    A surgical God who digs on magic operations
    No, it couldn’t be mistaken attribution of causation
    Born of a coincidental temporal correlation
    Exacerbated by a general lack of education
    Vis-a-vis physics in Sam’s parish congregation
    No it couldn’t be that all these pious people are liars
    It couldn’t be an artifact of confirmation bias
    A product of groupthink,
    A mass delusion,
    An Emperor’s New Clothes-style fear of exclusion

    No, it’s more likely to be an all-powerful magician
    Than the misdiagnosis of the initial condition,
    Or one of many cases of spontaneous remission,
    Or a record-keeping glitch by the local physician

    No, the only explanation for Sam’s mum’s seeing:
    They prayed to an all-knowing superbeing,
    To the omnipresent master of the universe,
    And he quite liked the sound of their muttered verse.

    So for a bit of a change from his usual stunt
    Of being a sexist, racist, murderous cunt
    He popped down to Dandenong and just like that
    Used his powers to heal the cataracts of Sam’s mum
    Of Sam’s mum

    Thank you God for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum!
    I didn’t realize that it was such a simple thing
    I feel such a dingaling, what ignorant scum!

    Now I understand a prayer can work:
    A particular prayer in a particular church
    In a particular style with a particular stuff
    And for particular problems that aren’t particularly tough,
    And for particular people, preferably white
    And for particular senses, preferably sight
    A particular prayer in a particular spot
    To a particular version of a particular god

    And if you get that right, he just might
    Take a break from giving babies malaria
    And pop down to your local area
    And fix the cataracts of your mum!

  • Songs of Sacrilege: Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones

    This is the thirteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is  Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones.

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    Please allow me to introduce myself
    I’m a man of wealth and taste
    I’ve been around for a long, long year
    Stole many a man’s soul to waste

    And I was ’round when Jesus Christ
    Had his moment of doubt and pain
    Made damn sure that Pilate
    Washed his hands and sealed his fate

    Pleased to meet you
    Hope you guess my name
    But what’s puzzling you
    Is the nature of my game

    I stuck around St. Petersburg
    When I saw it was a time for a change
    Killed the Tsar and his ministers
    Anastasia screamed in vain

    I rode a tank
    Held a general’s rank
    When the blitzkrieg raged
    And the bodies stank

    Pleased to meet you
    Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
    Ah, what’s puzzling you
    Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
    (Woo woo, woo woo)

    I watched with glee
    While your kings and queens
    Fought for ten decades
    For the gods they made
    (Woo woo, woo woo)

    I shouted out,
    Who killed the Kennedys?
    When after all
    It was you and me
    (Who who, who who)

    Let me please introduce myself
    I’m a man of wealth and taste
    And I laid traps for troubadours
    Who get killed before they reached Bombay
    (Woo woo, who who)

    Pleased to meet you
    Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
    (Who who)
    But what’s puzzling you
    Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
    (Who who, who who)

    Pleased to meet you
    Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
    But what’s confusing you
    Is just the nature of my game
    (Woo woo, who who)

    Just as every cop is a criminal
    And all the sinners saints
    As heads is tails
    Just call me Lucifer
    ‘Cause I’m in need of some restraint
    (Who who, who who)

    So if you meet me
    Have some courtesy
    Have some sympathy, and some taste
    (Woo woo)
    Use all your well-learned politnesse
    Or I’ll lay your soul to waste, mm yeah
    (Woo woo, woo woo)

    Pleased to meet you
    Hope you guessed my name, mm yeah
    (Who who)
    But what’s puzzling you
    Is the nature of my game, mm mean it, get down
    (Woo woo, woo woo)

    Woo, who
    Oh yeah, get on down
    Oh yeah
    Oh yeah!
    (Woo woo)

    Tell me baby, what’s my name
    Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
    Tell me baby, what’s my name
    I tell you one time, you’re to blame

    Oh, who
    Woo, woo
    Woo, who
    Woo, woo
    Woo, who, who
    Woo, who, who
    Oh, yeah

    What’s my name
    Tell me, baby, what’s my name
    Tell me, sweetie, what’s my name my name is rick I say

    Woo, who, who
    Woo, who, who rick
    Woo, who, who
    Woo, who, who
    Woo, who, who
    Woo, who, who
    Oh, yeah
    Woo woo
    Woo woo

     

  • Songs of Sacrilege: We’re All Going to Hell by The Bastard Fairies

    This is the fourteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is We’re All Going to Hell  by The Bastard Fairies, an American music group from Los Angeles.

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    All you Mormons who like cussing, you are going to hell
    All you preachers who like fucking, you are going to hell
    Little boys that choke the chicken, you are going to hell
    It’s the nature of evolution, the dinosaurs went to hell

    -CHORUS-
    Hell hell hell it’s a wonderful place
    It’s a place of fire and brimstone

    All you Christian politicians, you are going to hell
    Magic Jesus apparitions send you to hell
    Buddhist monks without god you are going to hell
    Those of you dissecting frogs, you are going to hell

    CHORUS

    (talking)
    I need a beer
    -Can opening-
    Ha-ha that was pretty good
    Ahh. Okay

    All you Catholics wearing condoms, you are going to hell
    All us fatties eating bonbons, we are going to hell
    Unbaptized babies learn to limbo, purgatory is hell
    And your religion is a gamble and you are going to hell

    CHORUS

    Check this shit out x 2
    It’s gunna change your life x2

    There once was a man who thought that if he ate all the pages in the bible he could kill most anything
    In 1913 he died of a stroke when he tried to eat the book of kings

    Eat the book of kings x2

  • Songs of Sacrilege: Sin City by Genitorturers

    This is the fifteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Sin City by the Genitorturers, an industrial metal band from the United States.

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    When the tracks are leading home to the limits of hell
    We’ll yell, life sure is swell! In Sin City
    In the streets where the servants of silence dwell
    The visions of the wicked are sure to sell! In Sin City
    On the quickest strip goin’, cum holy high rollin’ with me
    Get you cash cup flowin’, cum holy high rollin” with me
    Let your holy mother blow your fears away
    Get on your knees and play!
    In the heat where the Savior of Sodom dwells
    Join hands with the women who squirm in hell, In Sin City
    Because the lord has mercy on the women who sell
    Their pussies to the preachers who burn in hell, In Sin City
    The Devil’s home for the depraved
    Where the souls are never saved
    That’s why the holy rollers say
    Get on you knees and pray
    To breathe in Sin City
    To lie in Sin City
    Get high in Sin City
    Let your holy water wash away your shame
    Cause the judgment day is just another game
    On your knees and pray!

  • Songs of Sacrilege: Ballad of the Non-Believer by Tombstone Da Deadman

    This is the sixteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Ballad of the Non-Believer by Tombstone Da Deadman, an atheist rapper from Baltimore, Maryland

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    1st verse
    Like most of you I was indoctrinated with religion
    At a time when I was much too young to make decisions

    Dragged by the hand without permission
    Lacked the cognitive ability to see the contradictions and the superstitions

    I know my mother really thought that she was doing right
    Cause after all this wasn’t a war that she was taught to fight

    Buried under layers of prayers emotional attachments
    And every other programming attached with

    A sense of common unity involvement
    No actual incentive to questions all of the sermons from the pulpit

    This is how they introduce the idea, firmly rooted in the fear
    Don’t question validity just adhere

    It’s not innocent is sets a bad precedent
    Internalized credulity for things that lack evidence

    Some people keep this way of thinking for their whole lives
    The need for critical thinking is never realized

    Chorus
    I don’t want to hear about the books that you have read
    Explain to me the way you see the thoughts inside your head

    Not filtered with the garbage you regurgitate instead
    Your thoughts are just a program with which you are embed

    All I really want to do is show you there is freedom
    Eliminate those primitive myths you don’t need them

    The clergy’s only trolling for power

    So don’t feed them
    And since they can’t prove it remove it and don’t believe them

    2nd verse
    Ponder the logic of learning science from shamans
    Excuse the laughter if you please I’m trying to keep it all in

    But this is how you look when you go and consult your preachers
    To gain an understanding of evolutionary features

    In fact I finding it despicable how you characterize scientific principles
    Dismiss the indispensable

    So don’t believe these guys that say it’s science they despise
    When they standing in the line for the iphone 5

    You’re benefiting from the method then you go and step on it
    Defaming the very thing that your life has been effected with

    Our lifespan enhancement comes directly from advancements
    By people in lab coats not biblical enchantments

    Take a look at these comedians cause something smells funky
    “if we came from monkeys than why there’re still monkeys”

    See that’s the type of dumb shit that needs to be responded to
    Your obvious accomplishment was dropping out of high school

    Chorus
    I don’t want to hear about the books that you have read
    Explain to me the way you see the thoughts inside your head

    Not filtered with the garbage you regurgitate instead
    Your thoughts are just a program with which you are embed

    All I really want to do is show you there is freedom
    Eliminate those primitive myths you don’t need them

    The clergy’s only trolling for power so don’t feed them
    And since they can’t prove it remove it and don’t believe them

    3rd verse
    You’re not mentally fit to be talking shit to me
    When you believe those primitive books are reflecting history

    In it’s purest form like it really has no discrepancy
    You want to go to war and you’re choosing this as your weaponry

    Now how’s that even sound at all and is this even logic when
    You’re claiming that a book of faith can prove your stupid argument

    Way to much to bargain with not much fact to stake it on
    It’s just like thinking if you dance you can really make it storm

    Oh yeah but I forgot your book is the truthful one
    And all those other ancient myths are something that is really dumb

    It couldn’t possibly be that you all have been deceived
    It couldn’t possibly be that you got a false belief

    That’s why I question your sermon should be sequestered
    Now leave from off my porch you’re starting to really pester

    You’re one of many thousands that’s claiming a revelation
    Too wrapped up in all of your ego to see your indoctrination

    Chorus
    I don’t want to hear about the books that you have read
    Explain to me the way you see the thoughts inside your head

    Not filtered with the garbage you regurgitate instead
    Your thoughts are just a program with which you are embed

    All I really want to do is show you there is freedom
    Eliminate those primitive myths you don’t need them

    The clergy’s only trolling for power so don’t feed them
    And since they can’t prove it remove it and don’t believe them

  • Songs of Sacrilege: Religion Evolves by Baba Brinkman

    This is the seventeenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Religion Evolves by Baba Brinkman, a rap artist from Canada.

    Video Link

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    I don’t know what heaven is, I just know what heaven isn’t
    It isn’t a position in the VIP section
    Where you sit forever, flicking your pleasure switches
    It isn’t just an incentive to pick the best religion
    Like a raffle ticket – forget the metaphysics
    Anyone who threatens you with invisible gimmicks
    Is just trying to sell you some gibberish
    So what about a heaven that we actually get to live in?
    One that’s not just a place in the clouds, please
    I’m not stupid, this ain’t Jesus Walks music
    And if you really believe Jesus talks to you
    Then you should read The God Delusion
    Schizophrenia’s obviously got you losin’ it
    So relax and move in to a new paradigm
    A place where you’re no longer aware of time
    It’s called the present, and it’s a true paradise
    Plus it’s right there in front of your eyes
    What a surprise

    Some float away on a dream
    They can’t wait to believe in
    Some find their heaven right here
    In a place they can dream into being

    Imagine this isn’t a dress rehearsal, imagine
    There’s one life to live, and yes, it’s terminal
    And religion isn’t really the source of our personal
    Morals, it’s just how we make them feel more personal
    And less like a vicious circle, but the purpose
    Is more horizontal and less vertical
    More about co-existence than a test of virtue
    And heaven is just a world less hurtful
    Where respect is universal, instead of seasonal
    International instead of inter-regional
    A real pessimist would say “inconceivable”
    But I see it as a symbol of the best in people
    A utopian dream, but not just a metaphor
    An image of a world where there isn’t war
    Not a hidden reward behind a mystery door
    But a principle that’s really worth living for
    And if you think it’s the afterlife, you’re misinformed
    It’s time to wake up and shake off the melatonin
    Go ahead and live in the moment and smell the roses
    And experience the infinite present unfolding
    Just direct some of your efforts and mental focus
    Into the collective magnum opus of helping the hopeless
    And then just watch as the entrance to heaven opens
    So slowly that we hardly even notice it

    Some float away on a dream
    They can’t wait to believe in
    Some find their heaven right here
    In a place they can dream into being

    If this is all we get
    It’s not a test for what comes next
    And in this moment
    We can get our heaven on and
    Make a joyful sound
    With everyone around
    And leave this place just a little better
    Than we found it
    As soon as we stop waiting for the
    End to just descend and take us
    Where we’ve always been we’ll find our
    Heaven in this present tense
    If you’re waiting to be born
    Again my friend
    Why pretend it’s not within
    We’ll find our heaven in this present tense

     

  • Songs of Sacrilege: Church League Softball Fist Fight by Tim Wilson

    This is the eighteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Church League Softball Fist Fight  by the late Tim Wilson, “an American stand-up comedian and country music artist, whose act combined stand-up comedy and original songs.”

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    Chorus 1:
    Church League, Softball, Fist Fight
    Gettin washed in the blood on a Tuesday night
    What would Jesus do, lord he wouldn’t do that
    Knock hell outta the preacher with a softball bat

    Well the swinging Sheppard’s from the Sheep of the Savoir
    were tied with the sourwood church of Christ
    An example of some highly unholy behavior
    in a game that had already been protested twice
    Something unbiblical must have been said
    for them to be aimin’ heat at the minister’s head
    Clockin the clergy ain’t the thing to do
    But neither’s the high hard one on the 0-2

    Chorus 2:
    Church League, Softball, Fist Fight
    A body layin’ on the hands ‘neath the left field lights
    Knockin out four teeth, gettin a busted lip
    Aint exactly my idea of Christian Fellership

    Church League, Softball, Fist Fight
    Rollin round the pitchers mound it just don’t look right
    where the nice people from the church and the Sunday school class
    To trade a cup of brotherhood for a can of whoop-ass

  • Songs of Sacrilege: First Baptist Bar and Grill by Tim Wilson

    This is the nineteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is First Baptist Bar and Grill  by the late Tim Wilson, “an American stand-up comedian and country music artist, whose act combined stand-up comedy and original songs.

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    what Pentecost Baptist was gonna do
    the Sunday brimstone got so dadgum hot
    it burned up a church bus in the parkin’ lot

    In a panic the reverend Dr. White
    called up an ex-member that hadn’t lived right
    he owned Joe’s beer joint right across the fence
    it’s the same Joe’s he’d preached against…

    He said, “I don’t really want to be a hypocrite,
    but I got a Sunday school class about to have fits.
    We’re all excited about revival week,
    and moved by the spirit, so to speak.

    With all the souls we saved and money we spent,
    we thought God told us to sell that tent…
    I got a famous evangelist supposed to come
    and done run out of chairs, will you loan us some?”

    Joe says, “Well you can just use the whole dang place…
    A-9 on the jukebox is “Amazing Grace”
    I ain’t supposed to open because of them ‘blue laws’
    but I’ll open tonight if it’s alright with y’all.”

    Preacher said, “Well, I reckon it’d be OK,
    the good Lord works in mysterious ways.
    I was gonna talk about Joshua, Judges and Ruth
    and I reckon I could do it from the DJ booth.”

    At the First Baptist Bar and Grill
    it’s the only church in the bible belt
    that smells like a whiskey still…
    when the sinners finish one more round,
    we’ll have dinner on the ground,
    then go inside and pray we don’t get killed.

    The evangelist came with a well-dressed choir,
    they showed up around happy hour,
    looked around the joint and didn’t take it real well…
    said, “The White ministry has gone to hell”

    Ms. Mills that taught youth Sunday school
    and two deacons in the back room shootin’ pool
    were sharin’ the Lord with a Jim Beam rep
    who was teachin’ Ms. Mills some line dance steps…

    Reverend White was readin’ from the book of Luke
    to a tall, drunk trucker about to puke
    he had John 3:16 memorized
    tryin’ to dry him out to get him baptized…

    The evangelist yelled about the lights and the beer
    said, “White, you can’t save any souls in here…
    this place ain’t nothin’ but a den of sin…
    ain’t the kind of place Baptists ought to be in!”

    Preacher said, “Well we don’t really need y’all here
    You didn’t do a very good job last year,
    you only saved one sinner, that’s Todd McGuire,
    the little SOB that set my church on fire!”

    “Joe’s beer joint has done been revived,
    only been here an hour, and I done saved five.
    Sure, it’s got mirrors and a big dance floor,
    but I finally found the flock God called me for.”

    They’re at the First Baptist Bar and Grill
    it’s the only church in the bible belt that smells like a whisky still not a stained glass window anywhere in site,
    just a blood-stained floor and neon lights,
    and the communion wine in here is always chilled.

    We’re here every Sunday; we’re livin’ large;
    We’re the only church with a cover charge.
    And if you don’t like our doctrine and think we ain’t devout,
    we’ll have our bouncer throw your butt out …
    of the First Baptist Bar and Grill

    (amen sister!)

  • Songs of Sacrilege: I Am Going to Hell for This One by NOFX

    This is the twentieth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

    Today’s Song of Sacrilege is I Am Going to Hell for This One by NOFX, “an American punk rock band from Berkeley, California.”

    Video Link

    Lyrics

    Jesus Christ will resurrect
    He’s got his BMI royalty to collect
    He’s not the white
    Fragile hippie
    He looks and acts more like
    an indignant Ice-T

    Jesus Christ is coming back
    He wants to kick Mel Gibsons ass
    Superstar, The Passion of
    He wants his money not your love

    He’s been kickin 2000 years
    He’s fixed a lot sports
    And drank a million beers

    Some x-tasy, A thin white line
    He says designer drugs
    Beat the hell out of wine

    Jesus Christ on vacation
    Spreading massive religion
    “Sex and drugs, we abstain”

    He thinks Christians are insane
    They don’t know love,
    they know fear and moral hauteur
    Scare tactics I never taught
    “If you’re gonna look to me,
    better get rose coloured shades,
    Cuz what you see is what you get”