The Life and Times of Bruce Gerencser

Tag: Book of Mormon

Songs of Sacrilege: Spooky Mormon Hell Dream from The Book of Mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-seventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Mormon Spooky Hell Dream from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

[ELDER PRICE]
Long ago, when I was five
I snuck in the kitchen late at night
And ate a donut with a maple glaze

My father asked who ate the snack
I said that it was my brother Jack
And Jack got grounded for fourteen days

I’ve lived with that guilt
All of my life
And the terrible vision
That I had that night

(spoken)
No! Please, I don’t wanna go back!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down thy soul is cast
From the Earth whenceforth ye fell
The path of fire leads thee to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

Welcome back to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
You are having
A Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now

[ELDER PRICE]
And now I’ve gone and done it again!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Rectus!

[ELDER PRICE]
I’ve committed another awful sin!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Dominus!

[ELDER PRICE]
I left my mission companion
All alone

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spookytus!

[ELDER PRICE]
Oh God, how could I have done this to you?

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Deus!

[ELDER PRICE]
How could I break rule seventy-two?

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Creepyus!

[ELDER PRICE]
And now my soul hath just been thrown
Back into Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down to Satan’s realm!
See where you belong!
There is nothing you can do!
No escape from
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

[JESUS, spoken]
You blamed your brother for eating the donut, and now you walk out on your mission companion? You’re a DICK!

[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Jesus, I’m sorry!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Jesus hates you, this we know!
For Jesus just told you so!

[SKELETON 1]
You remember Lucifer!

SKELETON 2]
He is even spookier!

[SATAN]
Minions of Hades
Have you heard the news?
Kevin was caught playing hooky!
Now he’s back
With all you Cath’lics and Jews
It’s super spooky-wooky!

[ELDER PRICE]
I’m sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me
To break the rules, please I
Don’t wanna be in this
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
Genghis Khan
Jeffrey Dahmer
Hitler
Johnnie Cochran!
The spirits all surround you
Spooky spooky spooky!

[ADOLPH HITLER]
I started a war, and killed millions of Jews!

[GENGHIS KHAN]
I slaughtered the Chinese!

[JEFFREY DAHMER]
I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!

[JOHNNIE COCHRAN]
I got O.J. freed!

[ELDER PRICE]
You think that’s bad?
I broke rule seventy-two!

[HITLER, KHAN, DAHMER, COCHRAN:]
Oh?

[ELDER PRICE]
I left my companion!
I’m way worse than you!
I hate this Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[GENGHIS KHAN]
Ah…..

[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Please, Heavenly Father! Give me one more chance! I won’t break the rules again!

(sung)
I can’t believe Jesus called me a dick!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Welcome, welcome
To Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
You are never waking up
From Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Oh, please help me Father! Please let me wake up!
Give me one more chance! I won’t let you down again!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down thy soul is cast
From the Earth henceforth ye fell
This must be it, you must be there
You must be in
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now

August 7, 2017
Songs of Sacrilege: Baptize Me from The Book of Mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-sixth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Baptize Me from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

ELDER MCKINLEY:

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Well, then, would you like to baptize me?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Pbbbt, sure, yea, that’d be great

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, let’s do it

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
What you mean…now?

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Why not?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, to be honest, I’ve never done it before

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
That’s okay, neither have I

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Yes, that’s true

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Do you know…how to baptize someone into the church?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Sure, that’s something that we study over and over again at Mission Control Center

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Then please, Elder Cunningham, I want to be baptized. I swear to dedicate my life to the church

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Huh, okay, I just need a second to get ready

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, I will get ready, too

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m about to do it for the first time
And I’m gonna do it with a girl!
A special girl
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Makes my eyes kind of blur
I can’t believe I’m about
To baptize her

[NABULUNGI]
He will baptize me
He will hold me in his arms
And he will baptize me
Right in front of everyone
And it will set me free
When he looks into my eyes
And he sees just how much
I love being baptized

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize her

[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
Bathe her in God’s glory!
And I will baptize her

[NABULUNGI]
I’m ready

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
With everything I got
And I’ll make her beg for more

[NABULUNGI]
Oooh

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
As I wash her free of sin
And it’ll be so good
She’ll want me to

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM and NABULUNGI]
Baptize her/me again

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Excuse me, I’m gonna need another minute!

[NABULUNGI]
Never known a boy so gentle
One like him is hard to find
A special kind
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Like a moth in a cocoon
I hope he gets to baptizing me soon!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize you
I’m through with all my stalling

[NABULUNGI]
You’re gonna baptize me
I’m ready to let you do it

[BOTH]
And it will set us free
It’s time to be immersed
And I’m so happy you’re
About to be my first

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Okay, you ready?

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
I am ready. So… how do we do it?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, I hold you like this –

[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
And I lower you down –

[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM:]
And then I –

(Splash)

I just baptized her!
She got doused by Heavenly Father!
I just baptized her good!

[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I performed like a champ!

[NABULUNGI]
I’m wet with salvation!

[BOTH]
We just went all the way!
Praise be to God
I’ll never forget this day

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I baptized you!

[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I gotcha good!

[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
You want it more, baby?

[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!

(spoken)
I’ll text you later

August 6, 2017
Songs of Sacrilege: Turn it Off from The Book of Mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-fifth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Turn it Off from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

ELDER MCKINLEY:
I got a feeling,
That you could be feeling,
A whole lot better then you feel today
You say you got a problem,
well thats no problem,
It’s super easy not to feel that way!

When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head,
Don’t feel those feelings!
Hold them in instead

Turn it off, like a light switch
just go click!
It’s a cool little Mormon trick!
We do it all the time
When your feeling certain feels that just don’t feel right
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
and turn em off,
Like a light switch just go bap!
Really whats so hard about that?
Turn it off! (Turn it off!)

When I was young my dad,
Would treat my mom real bad,
every time the Utah Jazz would loose.
He’d start a’ drinking,
and I’d start a thinking,
How am I gonna keep my mom from getting abused?

I’d see her all scared and my soul was dying,
My dad would say to me, Now don’t you dare start crying.

Turn it off, (Like a light switch just go click!)
(It\’s our nifty little Mormon trick!)
Turn it off! (Turn. It. Off!)

My Sister was a dancer, but she got cancer,
My doctor said she still had two months more
I thought she had time, so I got in line
for the new I-phone at the apple store.

She lay there dying with my father and mother
Her very last words were “where is my brother?”

(Turn it off!) Yeah! (Bid those sad feelings a adieu!)
The fear I might get cancer too,

When I was in fifth grade, I had a friend Steve Blade,
He and I were close as two friend could be
One thing led to another, and soon I would discover,
I was having really strange feelings for Steve

I thought about us, on a deserted Island
We’d swim naked in the sea, and then he’d try and…

WOAH! Turn if off, like a light switch,
there its gone! (Good for you!)
My hetero side just won!
I’m all better now,
Boys should be with girls thats heavenly fathers plan
So if you ever feel you rather be with a man,
Turn it off.

ELDER PRICE:
Well Elder McKinley, I think its ok that your having gay thoughts,
just so long as you never act on them.

ELDER MCKINLEY:
No, because then your just keeping it down,
Like a dimmer switch on low, (On low!)
Thinking nobody needs to know! (Uh oh!)

ELDER PRICE:
But that’s not true!

ELDER MCKINLEY:
Being gay is bad, but lying is worse,
So just realize you have a curable curse,
And turn it off! (Turn it off, turn it off!)

(Dance)

Turn it off!

Now how do you feel!

ELDER PRICE:
The same

ELDER MCKINLEY:
Then you only got yourself to blame,
You didn’t pretend hard enough,
Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes,
and find the box thats gay and CRUSH IT!
Ok?

ELDER PRICE:
No, no, -I’m- not having gay thoughts

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Alright! It worked!

(Yay!)

(Turn it off!)

(Turn it off, Turn it off!)

(Turn it off, turn it off like a light switch just go click click!
What a cool little Mormon Trick! Trick trick!
We do it all the time!)

ELDER MCKINLEY:
When your feeling certain feelings that just dont seem right!
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light!
Turn it off! (Like a light switch, shut it off!)
(Now he isn’t gay anymore!)

(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it…!)
(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it…!)
(Turn it…)

ELDER MCKINLEY: Turn it off!

August 5, 2017
Songs of Sacrilege: I Believe from The Book of Mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-fourth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is I Believe from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

Ever since I was a child, I tried to be the best
So what happened?
My family and friends all said I was blessed
So what happened?

It was supposed to be all so exciting
To be teaching of Christ ‘cross the sea
But I allowed my faith to be shaken
Oh, what’s the matter with me?

I’ve always longed to help the needy
To do the things I never dared
This was the time for me to step up
So then why was I so scared?

A warlord who shoots people in the face
What’s so scary about that?
I must trust that my Lord is mightier
And always has my back
Now I must be completely devout
I can’t have even one shred of doubt

I believe that the Lord God created the universe
I believe that he sent his only son to die for my sins
And I believe that ancient Jews built boats
And sailed to America
I am a Mormon and a Mormon just believes

You cannot just believe part-way
You have to believe in it all
My problem was doubting the Lord’s will
Instead of standing tall

I can’t allow myself to have any doubt
It’s time to set my worries free
Time to show the world what Elder Price is about
And share the power inside of me

I believe that God has a plan for all of us
I believe that plan involves me getting my own planet
And I believe that the current President of the Church
Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God
I am a Mormon
And, dang it, a Mormon just believes
(A Mormon just believes)

I know that I must go and do the things my God commands
(Things my God commands)
I realize now why he sent me here
If you ask the Lord in faith, he will always answer you
Just believe in him and have no fear
(General, we have an intruder, He just walked right into camp)

I believe that Satan has a hold of you
I believe that the Lord God has sent me here
And I believe that in 1978
God changed his mind about black people

(Black people)
You can be a Mormon
A Mormon who just believes
(The fuck is this?)

And now I can feel the excitement
This is the moment I was born to do
And I feel so incredible to be sharing my faith with you
The scriptures say that if you ask in faith

If you ask God himself, you’ll know
But you must ask him without any doubt
And let your spirit grow
(Let your spirit grow)

I believe that God lives on a planet called Kolob
I believe that Jesus has his own planet as well
And I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was in Jackson County, Missouri

If you believe, the Lord will reveal it
And you’ll know it’s all true, you’ll just feel it
You’ll be a Mormon
And, by gosh, a Mormon just believes
(A Mormon just believes)

(Just believe, a Mormon just believes)
Oh, I believe
(Just believe, a Mormon just)
I believe
(Believes)

August 4, 2017