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My Son Thinks I’m Going to Hell by August Stine

Bruce Gerencser 2 Comments

guest-post

Guest post by August Stine

August Stine is the author of the book  The Modern Confessions of Saint August Stine

In spite of the fact I am a former fundamentalist Christian and ex-pastor, my minister son and his family think I am headed for Hell. This is my response to him. I use the pen name of August Stine to protect my son.

Different Family Beliefs

Your faith is important to you.

My beliefs are important to me.

We pray to the same God every day

For me, He is the Caring Creator;

Who cares about my well being

To you, He is the fearful God

Who demands obedience.

I believe Jesus was a spiritual man but not God.

I believe Jesus said some great words of wisdom

And I am sorry he had to die on the cross.

You believe Jesus died for the sins of man

And his salvation is a gift from God.

I do not believe this, but let’s suppose I did.

Didn’t you say salvation was a gift?

If it is a gift, why do I need to do anything?

You say I am going to hell unless . . .

You even give me the words I should say—

“Jesus, forgive my sins.”

Do people go to hell for not saying these words?

What if I wait until just before dying and then ask?

What if I meant to ask Him for years but didn’t?

You say “Too late—you missed your chance!”

This is God we are talking about isn’t it?

Is God limited by time or death?

On the other hand, if salvation is a “gift,”

Do I really need to ask Him for forgiveness?

The Bible says God freely gives this gift.

Where did all these attached strings come from?

Why conditions on God’s unconditional love?

New converts are told their Christian duties.

Tithing is one—not too bad—it is do-able

Unless you are unemployed or on minimum wage.

But the heaviest of all these burdens is . . .

People go to hell unless we show them Jesus.

So their salvation is in our hands . . .

I thought salvation was a gift.

Why is this huge ugly rope attached to this gift?

Am I responsible for my neighbor’s salvation?

Why am I involved with another man’s salvation?

Why does God need Me?

Suppose I want to play golf on a nice day,

But my neighbor dies and goes to hell . . .

And it is my fault . . .

Because I did not tell him about Jesus.

Please don’t tell me

God is so awful and demanding.

Why am I involved in someone’s eternal choice?

I thought God loved me and my neighbor.

Because of His heavy guilt trip,

I can’t even play golf without God on my back

I cannot believe God dearly loves me . . .

But loads me down with guilt trips

About darn near everything I do.

If I truly am a child of God,

Why do I have to be afraid of Him?

Why can’t I enjoy God

And let Him fix the world?

I thought that was His job.

Scripture says God is with us always;

If so, “Come on God, let’s go play some golf.”

As Seen on Social Media: Jesus is My Lifeguard

Bruce Gerencser 2 Comments

Graphics, Memes, Quotes, and Comments I’ve spotted on Facebook or Twitter.  Today’s graphic comes from Facebook.

It’s summertime. The lake is calling and you pack up your family and head to your favorite lake. Mommy, mommy, mommy, can I go swimming? Mom replies, Sure, but watch out for pedophile preachers strolling on the beach.

Little Betty heads to the lake and jumps into the water. Her older teenage brother is nearby, keeping a watchful eye on her and making sure there are no pedophile preachers strolling on the beach. Pedophile preachers have no part to play in this story, but I thought I’d add them as a public service reminder.

Little Betty swims what seems like a mile away from the beach and then, out of nowhere, a hornet stings Betty on the shoulder. In a matter of minutes, Betty’s eyes and throat start to swell. She’s deathly allergic to hornet stings, and with a muffled voice she tries to scream for help. But, she’s too far way from shore for her brother or the lifeguard to hear her. And then she remembers a wonderful graphic she saw on Facebook:

jesus is my lifeguard
JESUS is my lifeguard
No need to call for the lifeguard because JESUS, the bestest, most awesome lifeguard e-v-e-r, constantly patrols the lakes protecting swimmers from harm.

Finally, poor little Betty’s throat swells shut, she chokes on her tongue and then she dies.

In heaven Betty asks St Peter, Hey, I thought Jesus was supposed to be my lifeguard and save me if I was drowning?

St. Peter replies, Silly girl, that’s a metaphor, a way Christians speak when trying to convince themselves that Jesus, the one and only, true and living, and most a-w-e-s-o-m-e God ever, cares if they are drowning.

Too bad Betty is dead. Had she lived, it would be because a real, flesh and blood lifeguard saw her distress and rescued her.

Waiting for Jesus to save you from drowning is a sure way to die.

Songs of Sacrilege: Joseph Smith American Moses by The Book of Mormon Cast

Bruce Gerencser 2 Comments

This is the twenty-fourth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Joseph Smith American Moses, sung  by the cast of the Broadway play, The Book of Mormon.

Warning! Song contains curse words.

Video Link

Lyrics

And now we wish to honor you with
The story of Joseph Smith, the American Moses

Well, this is very good, praise Christ

Mormon

I’m going to take you back in time
(Mormon)
To the United States, 1823
(Mormon)

A small and odd village called Upstate New York
(Upstate)
There was disease and famine
(So sick)

But also in this village lived a simple farmer
Who would change everything
His name was Joseph Smith

Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiya Joseph Smith, American Moses
Praise be to Joseph, American prophet man

Aye, my name is Joseph Smith
And I am going to fuck this baby
What?

No no Joseph, don’t fuck the baby
Joseph Smith, don’t fuck the baby

Suddenly the clouds parted
And Joseph Smith was visited by God
Joseph Smith, do not fuck a baby
I will get rid of your AIDS, if you fuck this frog

Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiya

Joseph Smith fucked the frog God gave him
And his AIDS went away
Then a great wizard named Moroni came down
From the Starship Enterprise

Joseph Smith, your village is shit
You shall lead the villagers to a new village
Take these fucking golden plates

Away

And on the plates were written the directions to a new land
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
(Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
Joseph tried to convince all the villagers
To follow him and his golden plates

Liberation, equality
No more slavery for Upstate Mormon people

I got de golden plates
(Gold plates)
I’m gonna lead the people
(We head West)

We gotta stick together
(Mormons)
We gotta help each other
(We’re Mormons)

And so we climb the mountain
(We head West)
And we cross the river
(We head West)

And we fight the oppression
(Mormons)
By being nice to everyone
(We are Mormons)

Not so fast Mormons, you shall not pass my mountain

Down from the mountain look who comes
The American warlord Brigham Young

Yes, I am Brigham Young
I cut off my daughter’s clitoris
That made God angry so he turned my nose
Into a clit for punishment

Brigham Young, his nose was a clitoris
What will you do Joseph, will you fight the clitoris man

Not fight him, help him

Oh

Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog
And rubbed it upon Brigham Young’s clit face
And behold Brigham was cured

Joseph Smith magical AIDS frog
Brigham Young, frog on his clit face

Brigham Young was so grateful
He decided to join the Mormons on their journey

Compassion, cutesy
Let’s be really fucking polite to everyone

I got de golden plates
(Gold plates)
I’m gonna lead the people
(We head West)
We gotta stick together
(Mormons)

Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad
(Oh)
After traveling for so long, the Mormons ran out of fresh water
And become sick with dysentery

Water go to the water, water go to the cup
Cup go to the stomach, shit come out the butt
Shit go in the water, water go in the cup
Shit go down the stomach, shit come out the butt

Ugh, oh fuck
Oh no, the prophet Joseph Smith is now getting sick

Shit go in the water, water go in the cup
Cup go to the thirsty, shit go to the stomach
Blood come out the butt, blood go in the water
Water go in the cup, cup go to the tongue
Shit blood in the stomach, shit blood in the mouth
Shit blood on the insides, water come out the butt

Brigham Young you must take the golden plates
And lead the Mormons to the Promised Land
Plghh
Desperation, mortality, loss of faith

I got de golden plates
(Gold plates)
I’m got to lead the people
(We head West)
We gotta stick together

Even though their prophet had died
The Mormons stuck together
And helped each other and were really nice
To everyone they came across

And then one day the Mormons finally found
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
(Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
And there, the Mormons danced with Ewoks
And were greeted by Jesus

Welcome Mormons
Now, let’s all have as many babies as we can
And make big Mormon families

Fuck your woman, fuck your man
This is all part of God’s plan
Mormons fuck all that they can
We’re in Salt Lake City land

Thank you, thank you but now we are fucking
Thank you, thank you, but God wants us fucking
Thank you, thank you, but get back to fucking
Thank you, thank you, God

Joseph Smith fuck frog
Brigham Young clit face
Shit come out the butt
Jesus says fuck, fuck
Mormons

 

Songs of Sacrilege: Has Anybody Seen JC? by Jeff Ollerhead

Bruce Gerencser 1 Comment

This is the twenty-third installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Has Anybody Seen JC?, sung  by Jeff Ollerhead, a singer–songwriter from Liverpool, England. Best I can tell the lyrics are of unknown origin. The song has numerous verses as the lyrics below show.

Video Link

Lyrics

Chorus
Has anybody seen J C
J C, J C, J C, J C.
Not since Easter Sunday,
Riding on a Donkey.
Has anybody seen J C
J C, J C, J C, J C

Virgin born, head of thorn
Resurrects the dead at dawn

That J C, he’s divine
Changes water into wine.

Virgin Mary, She’s the most
She’s been fucked by the Holy Ghost

Cleans up temples it is said
Raises spastics from their bed

J C, He’s so cool
Boogies across my swimming pool

Took three loaves and five fish
Feed five thousand piece of piss

Lots of songs, raises cheers,
In the charts two thousand years

Holes in hands, Holes in Feet,
Carries his cross down the street,

Holy Ghost, He’s the most,
Gets them pissed on wine and toast,

Banished fear and gave us hope,
Went one better than the Pope,

Love he gave, faith he took,
Still the Worlds best selling book,

Save our souls, fun we poke,
Sorry God its just a joke.

J C stands five foot nine,
Plays scrum half for Palestine.

Arms out wide, feet are tied,
It’s hard to boogie when your crucified.

Songs of Sacrilege: My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus by Jimmy Buffett

Bruce Gerencser 3 Comments

This is the twenty-first installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus by Jimmy Buffett, an American singer–songwriter.

Video Link

Lyrics

Chorus
My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus.
It’s that kind of mornin’,
really was that kind of night.
Tryin’ to tell myself that my
condition is improvin’ and if I don’t
die by Thursday I’ll be roarin’ Friday night.

Went down to the snake pit,
to drink a little beer.
Listened to the juke box,
oh, it’s comin’ in clear.
All of a sudden I wasn’t alone
pickin’ country music with old Joe Bones.
Duval Street was rockin’,
my eyes they started poppin’!
Because there she sat at the corner of the bar,
as I broke another string on my old guitar.
Someone call a cab.
Lady won’t you pay my tab?

Chorus

Got to get a little orange juice,
And a Darvon for my head.
I can’t spend all day,
Baby, layin’ in bed.
I’m goin’ down to Fausto’s
to get some chocolate milk.
Can’t spend my life in your sheets of silk
I’ve got to find my way
Crawl out and greet the day.

Chorus

Songs of Sacrilege: Jesus Saves by Slayer

Bruce Gerencser 1 Comment

This is the twenty-first installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Jesus Saves by Slayer, an American thrash metal band from Huntington Park, California.

Video Link

Lyrics

You go to the church, you kiss the cross
You will be saved at any cost
You have your own reality
Christianity

You spend your life just kissing ass
A trait that’s grown as time has passed
You think the world will end today
You praise the Lord, it’s all you say

Jesus saves, listen to you pray
You think you’ll see the pearly gates
When death takes you away

For all respect you cannot lust
In an invisible man you place your trust
Indirect dependency
Eternal attempt at amnesty

He will decide who lives and dies
Depopulate Satan’s rise
You will be an accessory
Irreverence and blasphemy

Jesus saves, no need to pray
The gates of pearl have turned to gold
It seems you’ve lost your way

Jesus saves, no words of praise
No promised land to take you to
There is no other way

Atheist Bruce Gerencser Discovers the Church That Jesus Built

Bruce Gerencser 7 Comments

For Immediate News Release

Evangelical pastor turned atheist, Bruce Gerencser, recently stumbled upon a breathtaking find that is sure to excite Christians worldwide. For centuries archaeologists have scoured the Middle East looking for the church that Jesus built. While the Roman Catholic church claims to be the church that Peter built, get back to the purity of the early church Christians continue to look for THE church that Jesus built. And today, that church has been found. Not in Palestine, not in Jerusalem, not in Rome, and not in Salt Lake City. The church that Jesus built, you know, the one true model #1, has been found in Harlan, Indiana.

church that Jesus built

Note

Lest anyone doubt that this is THE church that Jesus built, the Church of Christ at Harlan  website says that they are “THE body of Christ in Harlan.” It makes perfect sense: THE body of Christ is THE church that Jesus built and it all can be found in Harlan, Indiana, population 1,634.

 

 

 

Why I Hate Jesus

Bruce Gerencser 585 Comments
american jesus 2

I don’t hate the flesh and blood Jesus who walked the dusty roads of Palestine, nor do I hate the Jesus found in the pages of the Bible. These Jesuses are relics of the past. I’ll leave it to historians to argue and debate whether these Jesuses were real or fiction. Over the centuries, Christians have created many Jesuses in their own image. This is the essence of Christianity, an ever-evolving religion bearing little resemblance to what it was even a century ago.

The Jesus I hate is the modern, Western Jesus, the American Jesus, the Jesus who has been a part of my life for almost fifty-eight years. The Jesuses of bygone eras have no power to harm me, but the modern Jesus – the Jesus of the three hundred thousand Christian churches that populate every community in America – he has the power to affect my life, hurt my family, and destroy my country.  And I, with a vengeance, hate him.

Over the years, I have had a number of people write me about how the modern Jesus was ruining their marriage. In many instances, the married couple started out in life as believers, and somewhere along the road of life one of them stopped believing. The still-believing spouse can’t or won’t understand why the other spouse no longer believes. They make it clear that Jesus is still very important to them and if forced to choose between their spouse and family, they would choose Jesus. Simply put, they love Jesus more than they love their families.

Sadly, these types of marriages usually fail. A husband or a wife simply cannot compete with Jesus. He is the perfect lover and perfect friend, one who is always there for the believing spouse. This Jesus hears the prayers of the believing spouse and answers them. This Jesus is the BFF of the believing spouse. This Jesus says to the believer, you must choose, me or your spouse. It is this Jesus I hate.

This Jesus cares nothing for the poor, the hungry, or the sick. This Jesus has no interest in poor immigrants or unwed mothers. This Jesus cares for Tim Tebow more than he does a starving girl in Ethiopia. He cares more about who wins a Grammy or ACM Award than he does poverty-stricken Africa having food and clean water. It is this Jesus I hate.

This Jesus is on the side of the culture warriors. This Jesus hates homosexuals and demands they be treated as second class citizens. This Jesus, no matter the circumstance, demands that a woman carry her fetus to term. Child of a rapist, afflicted with a serious birth defect, the product of incest or a one night stand?  It matters not. This Jesus is pro-life. Yet, this same Jesus supports the incarceration of poor young men of color, often for no other crime than trying to survive. This Jesus is so pro-life he encourages American presidents and politicians to slaughter innocent men, women, and children. This Jesus demands certain criminals be put to death by the state, even though the state has legally murdered innocent people. It is this Jesus I hate.

This Jesus drives fancy cars, has palaces and cathedrals, and followers who spare no expense to make his house the best mansion in town. This Jesus loves Rolexes, Lear jets, and expensive suits. This Jesus sees the multitude and turns his back on them, only concerned with those who say and believe “the right things.” It is this Jesus I hate.

This Jesus owns condominiums constructed just for those who believe in him. When they die, he gives them the keys. But, for the rest of humanity, billions of people, this Jesus says no keys for you. I have a special Hitler-like plan for you. To the ovens you go, only unlike the Jews, I plan to give you a special body that allows me to torture you with fire and brimstone forever. It is this Jesus I hate.

It is this Jesus who looks at Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Atheists, Agnostics, Deists, Universalists, Secularists, Humanists, and Skeptics, and says to them before you were born I made sure you could never be in the group that gets the condominiums when they die. This Jesus says, and it is your fault, sinner man. It is this Jesus who made sure billions of people were born into cultures that worshiped other Gods. It is this Jesus who then says it is their fault they were born at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Too bad, this Jesus says, burn forever in the Lake of Fire. It is this Jesus I hate.

This Jesus divides families, friends, communities, and nations. This Jesus is the means to an end. This Jesus is all about money, power and control. This Jesus subjugates women, tells widows it’s their fault, and ignores the cry of orphans. Everywhere one looks, this Jesus hurts, afflicts, and kills those we love. It is this Jesus I hate. What I can’t understand is why anyone loves this Jesus? Like a clown on a parade route, he throws a few candies towards those who worship him, promising them that a huge pile of candy awaits them when they die. He lets his followers hunger, thirst, and die, yet he tells them it is for their good, that he loves them and has a wonderful plan for their life. This Jesus is all talk, promising the moon and delivering a piece of gravel. Why can’t his followers see this?

Fear me, he tells his followers. I have the keys to life and death. I have the power to make you happy and I have the power to destroy your life. I have the power to take your children, health, and livelihood. I can do these things because I am the biggest, baddest Jesus ever. Fear me and oppress women, immigrants, orphans, homosexuals, and atheists. Refuse my demand and I will rain my judgment down upon your head. But, know that I love you and only want is best for you and yours. It is this Jesus I hate.

Perhaps there is a Jesus somewhere that I could respect, a Jesus who might merit my devotion. For now, all I see is a Jesus who is worthy of derision, mockery, and hate. Yes, hate. It is this Jesus I hate. When the Jesus who genuinely loves humanity and cares for the least of these shows up, let me know. In the meantime, I hate Jesus.

Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.

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Easter: Fact, Fiction, or a Great Story?

Bruce Gerencser 7 Comments

Here’s an infographic by Jericho Brisance ( Matt Barsotti) that accurately reflects the challenges and difficulties facing Bible readers when they attempt to determine exactly what happened on the first Easter Sunday. I appreciate Matt’s hard work in putting this infographic together.

jericho brisance easter chart

Click to display and download full size graphic 1280×5376 Click on graphic to expand to full size

Taking Easter Seriously Infographic by Jericho Brisance (website no longer active)

Americans Love Walkers More than They Love Jesus

Bruce Gerencser 0 Comments

walking dead zombies

Last Sunday, the National Geographic Channel showed the movie Killing Jesus, a TV version of Bill O’Reilly’s book of the same name. According to Neilson, 3.7 million viewers watched Killing Jesus, giving National Geographic its highest total viewership ever. This means that about 1.25% of Americans watched Killing Jesus. According to Wikipedia, as of February 2015, the National Geographic Channel is available “to approximately 86,144,000 pay television households (74% of households with television) in the United States.” It seems that most of the people who could have watched Killing Jesus didn’t.

On the same Sunday, the season finale of The Walking Dead attracted 15.8 million viewers. Even the Talking Dead after-show garnered almost 8 million viewers. According to the Futon Critic, “THE WALKING DEAD” ENDS SEASON FIVE WITH ALL 16 EPISODES RANKING AMONG THE TOP 20 ENTERTAINMENT TELECASTS IN ADULTS 18-49 THIS BROADCAST SEASON.”

Based on the numbers, it’s pretty clear that Americans love Zombies a lot more than they love Jesus.

111616

Bruce Gerencser