Some readers wrongly think that my past Christian life was filled with unhappy, negative experiences. If people only read my polemical writing or my critiques of Evangelicalism, I can understand why they might think I was a disaffected follower of Jesus. However, I generally enjoyed life as a Christian. I had numerous trials and struggles, but by and large, life was good. My partner, Polly, would tell you the same thing. I have few regrets about my time in the ministry. I gladly served Jesus and did what I could to help others. My loss of faith had little to do with negative church experiences. Sure, I was hurt by people, but that was not the reason I deconverted. I divorced Jesus because I could no longer rationally sustain the central claims of Christianity. (Please see The Michael Mock Rule: It Just Doesn’t Make Sense.)
If there’s one thing the church gave me, it was a love for music. Music was central to worship, but it was much more than just the songs played and sung on Sundays. My mom played the piano, as did my sister, and I played the trumpet before I discovered basketball and dropped out of band. As a teen, I sang in a church quartet (see picture above), and as a pastor, I led the music and sang duets with Polly (she was an alto and I was a tenor). Polly played the piano and was part of a college traveling handbell group. Our children can remember countless hours spent singing hymns and gospel songs as we traveled down the road. The good old days . . .
I miss my singing days. Preaching ruined my singing voice, and I no longer have opportunities to sing like I used to. I still listen to and sing hymns and gospel songs, not that I believe their lyrics, but because doing so still stirs me emotionally. When I go places where Christian songs are being sung, I lustily add my voice to the chorus. Not that I believe in God or the central claims of Christianity — I don’t. But I find singing enjoyable, a respite from pain and adversity. I wish there were places I could go to sing without all the baggage that comes from attending church. Sometimes, I will stream Christian music from Pandora, Spotify, or YouTube Music, singing to my heart’s content. People driving by our home who know I am an atheist might find it strange to hear me belting out my favorite psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. What can I say? I am a complex, contradictory man.
As a Christian, were you musically inclined? Did you enjoy singing? Did you sing in the choir or other singing groups? Did you play an instrument in church? If so, as an atheist/agnostic, do you miss your church music days? Do you miss singing unto the Lord? Or is the music a reminder to you of that which you would rather forget? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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