This is the twenty-fourth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Joseph Smith American Moses, sung by the cast of the Broadway play, The Book of Mormon.
Warning! Song contains curse words.
And now we wish to honor you with
The story of Joseph Smith, the American Moses
Well, this is very good, praise Christ
Mormon
I’m going to take you back in time
(Mormon)
To the United States, 1823
(Mormon)
A small and odd village called Upstate New York
(Upstate)
There was disease and famine
(So sick)
But also in this village lived a simple farmer
Who would change everything
His name was Joseph Smith
Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiya Joseph Smith, American Moses
Praise be to Joseph, American prophet man
Aye, my name is Joseph Smith
And I am going to fuck this baby
What?
No no Joseph, don’t fuck the baby
Joseph Smith, don’t fuck the baby
Suddenly the clouds parted
And Joseph Smith was visited by God
Joseph Smith, do not fuck a baby
I will get rid of your AIDS, if you fuck this frog
Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiya
Joseph Smith fucked the frog God gave him
And his AIDS went away
Then a great wizard named Moroni came down
From the Starship Enterprise
Joseph Smith, your village is shit
You shall lead the villagers to a new village
Take these fucking golden plates
Away
And on the plates were written the directions to a new land
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
(Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
Joseph tried to convince all the villagers
To follow him and his golden plates
Liberation, equality
No more slavery for Upstate Mormon people
I got de golden plates
(Gold plates)
I’m gonna lead the people
(We head West)
We gotta stick together
(Mormons)
We gotta help each other
(We’re Mormons)
And so we climb the mountain
(We head West)
And we cross the river
(We head West)
And we fight the oppression
(Mormons)
By being nice to everyone
(We are Mormons)
Not so fast Mormons, you shall not pass my mountain
Down from the mountain look who comes
The American warlord Brigham Young
Yes, I am Brigham Young
I cut off my daughter’s clitoris
That made God angry so he turned my nose
Into a clit for punishment
Brigham Young, his nose was a clitoris
What will you do Joseph, will you fight the clitoris man
Not fight him, help him
Oh
Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog
And rubbed it upon Brigham Young’s clit face
And behold Brigham was cured
Joseph Smith magical AIDS frog
Brigham Young, frog on his clit face
Brigham Young was so grateful
He decided to join the Mormons on their journey
Compassion, cutesy
Let’s be really fucking polite to everyone
I got de golden plates
(Gold plates)
I’m gonna lead the people
(We head West)
We gotta stick together
(Mormons)
Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad
(Oh)
After traveling for so long, the Mormons ran out of fresh water
And become sick with dysentery
Water go to the water, water go to the cup
Cup go to the stomach, shit come out the butt
Shit go in the water, water go in the cup
Shit go down the stomach, shit come out the butt
Ugh, oh fuck
Oh no, the prophet Joseph Smith is now getting sick
Shit go in the water, water go in the cup
Cup go to the thirsty, shit go to the stomach
Blood come out the butt, blood go in the water
Water go in the cup, cup go to the tongue
Shit blood in the stomach, shit blood in the mouth
Shit blood on the insides, water come out the butt
Brigham Young you must take the golden plates
And lead the Mormons to the Promised Land
Plghh
Desperation, mortality, loss of faith
I got de golden plates
(Gold plates)
I’m got to lead the people
(We head West)
We gotta stick together
Even though their prophet had died
The Mormons stuck together
And helped each other and were really nice
To everyone they came across
And then one day the Mormons finally found
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
(Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
And there, the Mormons danced with Ewoks
And were greeted by Jesus
Welcome Mormons
Now, let’s all have as many babies as we can
And make big Mormon families
Fuck your woman, fuck your man
This is all part of God’s plan
Mormons fuck all that they can
We’re in Salt Lake City land
Thank you, thank you but now we are fucking
Thank you, thank you, but God wants us fucking
Thank you, thank you, but get back to fucking
Thank you, thank you, God
Joseph Smith fuck frog
Brigham Young clit face
Shit come out the butt
Jesus says fuck, fuck
Mormons
