As a child, I was taught to be polite, defer to others, and respect personal space. Polly and I taught our children to do the same. It has come to light recently in counseling that these things are so deeply ingrained in me, that they actually cause me harm, allowing family, friends, and strangers alike to take advantage of me. As someone who has a lot of health problems, I need to do a better job at self-care instead of always deferring to others. It’s okay to walk out the door of the gym first instead of holding the door so 20 physically fit people can exit before me. They can wait, my counselor told me, and, of course, she is right. That said, it hard for me to think this way. When I see someone behind me walking up to the same door as I am, I naturally open the door for them and allow them to go first. It’s just how I am. From letting people pull ahead of me in a parking lot line to allowing people to go ahead of me in the grocery checkout, I have always been polite and respectful.
Two weeks ago, I went to a basketball game at nearby Fairview High School. I walk with a cane, a halting, shuffling cut of a man who self-describes as a “slow-moving vehicle. As I walked towards the outer door, a mother and three teen girls came up behind me. As I started to open the door, I held it open, and said to the woman and girls behind me, “Ladies first.” I meant nothing other than being polite — no different from how I have behaved my entire adult life. (I would have said “gentlemen if they were men, young man, if a boy.)
The teen girls thanked me, my not Momma. Evidently, I had violated some sort of feminist rule. Instead of saying “thanks,” she glared at me. As we reached the inner door, I once again held it open for the girls and their mother, along with Polly and Bethany — who have watched me do this countless times over the years, both for men, women, and children. The girls, Polly, and Bethany said thanks and walked through the door. Not, Momma. She once again glared at me and instead of walking through the door I was holding, walked over to another door and entered there.
I said nothing. I have run into a few women over the years who don’t want a man doing anything for them. In their minds, walking through a door held open for them by a person with a penis is offensive. Evidently, letting a man hold a door for you and geting something for you off a shelf that is too high for you, is some sort of admission of weakness or giving into the patriarchy. Child, please.
Forget my sex. I am just a fellow human being who is generally polite and defers to others. Gender does not enter into the equation. I hold the door open for men, women, grandparents, and even children. When someone opens the door for me, especially if it is a child or teenager, I always thank them, letting them know that I appreciate their kindness.
Do you have a problem with people opening the door for you or performing other acts of kindness? If you are a woman, does it upset you if a man opens a door for you or helps you in some other way? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comment section.
Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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