Originally written in 2015. Edited, corrected, and expanded.
Recently, I asked readers for questions. Ed asked:
As a person of similar age and girth as Bruce Almighty…… belt AND suspenders or suspenders/belt alone?
Some things are far more relevant to our daily life than institutionalized fantasies.
I thought the following post would more than answer Ed’s belt and suspenders question. Enjoy!
I’m a big guy. 6 feet tall, just north of 360 pounds. Thanks to my recurrent battle with only Loki knows what, I have lost 25 pounds since last September. No one who knows me has asked if I’ve lost weight. I have an odd body shape for a man my size, and unfortunately, weight loss or gain goes unnoticed. Unlike most men my size, I don’t have what is commonly called a beer gut. Instead, from my size 8 head to my size 10 feet, I am shaped like a fire hydrant. I do have some belly fat, but I am pretty much a cylindrical mass of human flesh. I have ruddy complexion and beard color to play Santa, so in recent years I have finally embraced my inner Claus. Come Thanksgiving, it will be impossible for me to go in public without multiple people calling attention to Santa-like looks.
Most men my height have a 32-35-inch inseam. Not me. I have a 29-inch inseam. Even worse, I have no butt. No woman has ever complimented me for having a nice ass, mainly because my shirt is usually hanging out the back. I have spent much of my life tucking in shirts that are not long enough. Buying XXXL shirts is a challenge because clothing makers assume that every XXXL man has a big gut. The shirts are long enough, but often they are way too big in the chest. I finally found a t-shirt that fits me well. Made by Key Industries, I can buy them for less than $14 on Amazon. (Short Sleeve, Long Sleeve) The t-shirts are well made, don’t feel cheap, and have a pocket on the front. This pocket works well when I need someplace to put my lens cap or cellphone.
Last year, my oldest son introduced me to Van Heusen no-iron Traveller (Flex) shirts. Nice shirts that never need to be ironed provided they are removed from the dryer on time. Polly wishes I had “discovered” these shirts back in the day when I was wearing white pinpoint cotton oxford shirts. Those shirts ALWAYS needed to be starched and ironed — another of the many reasons my wife is a saint. These shirts have longer tails, but I’ve found that I have to order one size larger than I normally do.
Bruce and Polly Gerencser 2018Even when I get shirts that fit, I still have a problem keeping my pants up. Most people have hips and a butt they can hang their pants on. Not me. Since I don’t want to make the local news, Atheist Moons Shoppers at Meijer, I not only wear a belt but I also wear suspenders. Wearing only a belt is an invitation for embarrassment, especially now that I have lost weight. I put two new holes in my belt so I can cinch it up tighter, but even then, my pants tend to work their way down. If you are a local reader and have seen me at Meijer with my hands in my pockets, it’s not because my hands are cold. When I feel my pants following the path of least resistance, I pull them up Grandpa-style and put my hands in my pockets to keep them from sliding back down.
A few years back, I found the perfect suspenders for a guy like me. Most suspenders have a clasp that is snapped on the pants. Over time, these snaps get weak, tend to come unsnapped, and smack the wearer in the face. Thankfully, I found Perry Suspenders. Perry Suspenders, which come in 2 widths and 2 lengths, hook on your belt, providing a second layer of butt exposure security. You can buy a pair of Perry Suspenders for $13-18 on Amazon. Since wearing Perry Suspenders, I no longer fear being the subject of a YouTube video shot by a local resident at Meijer. Nothing like fame for having your pants drop down to your knees in the middle of the store. It’s never happened to me, but I have caught them well on their way to embarrassing me.
I buy most of my clothing and shoes on Amazon. I am not a big fan of Amazon, but their selection of big and tall clothing is second to none. When it comes to jeans, I typically buy Levi 550s or 560s. When I find something that “fits,” I tend to stick with that brand. When it comes to shoes, I buy them either through Amazon or its affiliate Zappos. My snowboard feet take a 10-EEEE shoe. I buy two brands: Skechers and New Balance. Again, I buy what I know, what has fit me in the past. At my age, I have no interest in redesigning the clothing wheel. (I did learn several years ago, that I was washing my jeans way too often; that as long as they aren’t dirty or smelly, jeans can be worn for weeks at a time between washes. It took me a long time to buy into this idea. I was used to washing my jeans after every wearing. Now they last a lot longer.)
I buy well-made leather belts made by YourTack in nearby LaGrange, Indiana. So far, I have bought my belts online, but I do hope to visit their store someday. Last year, I discovered how much I love wearing fedoras. Depending on whom you ask, I either look like an Amish man or a mobster. We have Amish communities nearby, so I tend to get second looks from people trying to match my Amish-looking hat and beard with my English-looking clothing. After buying several inferior hats on Amazon, I decided to look elsewhere. My search took me to the Village Hat Shop in San Diego, California. When it comes to wool/felt hats, you get what you pay for. The Village Hat Shop carries a large selection of hats, in a variety of sizes. Shipping is free, and most orders are delivered in 5-8 days.
So there ya have it. All you ever wanted to know about the man with no butt.
About Bruce Gerencser
Bruce Gerencser, 62, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 41 years. He and his wife have six grown children and twelve grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist. For more information about Bruce, please read the About page.
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It’s called LOMA, or little old man ass. My husband coined that term. Guess why? 😉
I too suffer the fate of having no ass. It’s a real pain in the ass ( pun intended ) having your pants slide down your hips all the time. I’ll have to order a pair of those suspenders . The ones with the clips suck and the ones that button on are OK but who has time to sew all those buttons on. Thanks. Also thanks for answering my question about Marjoe. Thank you
I found this very interesting, Bruce. I’ve read some about different body types. Body type has a bearing on health, also. Do you know your official body type? We’re kinda unusual, I think, cause my husband is a pear, and I’m an apple.
Gotcha BEAT on this one, brother! I’ve been complimented more than I can remember over the years on my butt, legs (and other parts:). HA!! NOW who’s the sexiest atheist alive!! Lol 🙂
(There should be a “sexiest atheists” calendar, that’d be really cool; wonder how many of our kind would actually pose for it, though?)
The real question is, who would buy it?? I like me some beefcake from time to time…
My late husband was shaped like you Bruce, and spent hours sewing buttons onto his jeans. Those new fangled suspenders would have put a grin on his face.
Thanks for sharing them. You made my day.
A latest fashion trend for 2015: the Orange Atheist.
At least you’re a man with lots of “ifs” and “ands”.
Hi Bruce. I have lost 30 lbs but am not as big as you. I am 6 ft and weigh 255 now, but I have really bad GERD—so much so that I often take an abnormally high dose of Prevacid to control it. I decided that the only answer to keeping a loose waist and thereby holding back the GERD is to go to suspenders. Problem is—I have never worn suspenders before and know zero ropes on doing so. The only thing I know for certain is that I CANNOT wear a belt in any form or fashion—have learned that the hard way. So, I cannot wear the suspender brand you recommend and cannot afford to get pants fitted with buttons for suspenders. It looks as if I am going to have to go the suspenders with “clips” route. Do you have any recommendations there? My first ever use will most likely be in some future job interview. Thanks!!!
My dad would have been thrilled! He was shaped like a pencil (that morphed into a shepherd’s crook in his later years, as osteoporosis took over and as all of the disks in his back collapsed, leaving him hunch backed). He sort of had a butt before he hit 80, but the last 13 years of his life he was a belt-and-suspenders guy who struggled with the suspenders. You are not alone.
We must be related or something. There is complete lack of ass in my father’s side of the family.
Bruce, you have an ass and therefore are an ass in some respect, nevermind about the excuses. You might like to consider yourself a non-ass or no-ass but you have been an ass and will have to live with your ass. The fact that your ass-ness might be shrinking changes little overall… no butts about it…
BTW, you are good looking man, leaning on your tree with a river flowing freely behind you! Wow! A real pin-up! I fear that Baptist women might be tempted….You had best curb this new desire to display yourself! Things could get out of hand…
I could only hope 🙂
I once heard your situation referred to as suffering from “No Assatall”
That’s funny. 🙂
That’s quite a spiffy fedora you’re sporting in the picture with you and Polly. The Village Hat Shop is excellent. I have a fedora from them myself. It’s turquoise.
My sympathies on your lack of posterior assets. My husband doesn’t have a butt, either, although he just wears a belt. I hope I’m not with him on the day it fails.
I have wore suspenders for years. Too many close calls. I am sure my children can all tell stories of seeing their dad pantless as he ran to use the bathroom or answer the phone. 🙂 My youngest grandchild, Ezra, looks just like me. Similar build, complete with short legs. DNA, right? 🙂
Mr Bruce, I’m 425 lbs and 6′ 1″ I do carry my weight well however I too dont have an ass. Belts dont work no matter how tight I tighten and suspenders hurt my shoulder cuffs. Any suggestions? I’ve put thick socks on shoulders, even bought seat belt cushions and put on suspenders. But it hurts deep in my shoulders. Love your style my man.