In a move that is certain to shake the very foundation of masturbatory Evangelical Christianity, the National Football League (NFL) told players they would not be permitted to have prayer spectacles after games. That’s right, players will have to keep their piety to themselves.
Is this not yet another sign that evil atheists and secularists have taken over America? First, these tools of Satan took over our schools and Costco, and now they have infiltrated the One True Church — The NFL. Where will it all end?
I call on Evangelical football players to take a stand by wearing Evangelical Prayers Matter shirts. Regardless of the anti-prayer edict from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, “Give God All the Glory” players should gather after the games at the fifty-yard line, kneel, lift up holy hands — especially wide receivers and tight ends — and pray.
If Evangelical football players don’t stand their ground, the Christian God will no longer bless their endeavors. Worse yet, without players praying, Western Civilization will collapse. Forget all that Black Lives Matter nonsense. All that matters is pretense and making a show. Everybody knows that God only hears prayers when there’s an audience.
And when Evangelical football players prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray kneeling at the fifty-yard line, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, their fame is their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into the corner of the locker room, and when thou hast shut the door, pray to Jesus which is in secret; and he which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly with more catches, touchdowns, tackles, sacks, and interceptions. (Matthew 6:5-6, NFLV)
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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Next thing you know they’ll be using meters instead of “yards”.
As a Canadian, I have long ago accepted the sensible switch to metric lengths (Science wins!) even though as an old man schooled in Imperial, I still think in Imperial myself. Yesterday, building a shelf, I was reading inches instead of centimeters because secretly, I’m a stubborn American.
When I observe that the USA remains unable to make the move to an accepted international standard, I tend to see yet another reason why a man like Trump could really, actually, truly become President: Stubborn rigidity is not a healthy American Way. American nationalism is blind and harmful so it is no wonder evangelical Christians are flag-wavers.
Troy’s point is funny and well-taken and it would be quite a laugh or three to see an ongoing translation going on in every game: I can hear the distressed play by play already: Lemme see, three point five meters…. hmmm, that’s 3 x 1.09361. Where’s my freakin’ calculator! Jeez, I hope they call a time-out! Hell, it’s the end of American football!
Ah, nevermind stubborn USA. You still have the old Burma and Liberia (and me) to send your tape measures to!
quite possibly the dumbest regurgitation of tripe in the history of the internet.
You need to get out more.
Good move. Through the years I’ve seen quite a few players with Muslim names (Ahmad Bradshaw, Aqib Talib etc), so it seems like there are probably at least few Muslim players in the NFL (though the name is not an obvious indication of being Muslim), who would most likely not want to take part in a Christian prayer and may even be offended by it.
Bruce. Is this post entirely satire or did Roger Goodell really forbid such praying? If so, this is the first I have heard of it—and I am a daily news junkie.
According to Sports Center, the prayers have been banned. Everything else? Satire. ?
Really. Fascinating.
Don’t feel bad, I’m just now hearing about it. I saw a woman complaining in a comment section about “god” being taken out of schools and the NFL, when I laughed she responded to me like I asked if Reagan was still president, So I thought I better look it up, and this is the first link I came do. What a great site Mr. Gerencser has put together here, As a former Catholic, current agnostic and being that just Indiana and Illinois separates our two sates, I can’t wait to read more stories and thoughts from Bruce.
Thanks, Jack. ❤️❤️
I think it is tackling that is now banned. The new football includes social distancing. The field will be exactly twice as big beginning next year and lasers will be used to ascertain penalties for those who come closer than two meters, I mean yards, to another player.
“pray to Jesus which is in secret; and he which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly with more catches, touchdowns, tackles, sacks, and interceptions.” (Matthew 6:5-6, NFLV)
Yea, verily.
Oh no, if evangelicals aren’t allowed to show off their prayers at the end of a game, people might start thinking the players worked on their skills or lifted weights or maybe had something to do with success outside of influence of a supernatural power.
“In a move that is certain to shake the very foundation of masturbatory Evangelical Christianity, the National Football League (NFL) told players they would not be permitted to have prayer spectacles after games. That’s right, players will have to keep their piety to themselves.”
What? The NFL is more Christian than these wankers? Nice to see someone pays attention to what poor ol’ Jesus supposedly said about not showing off with your prayers.
Poor Tim Tebow must be crying in his popcorn. I remember how he was a shitty player, but the Fundies in Colorado didn’t care about a losing season because it was more important he spread the Word with his showy prayer displays. But, fans want winning teams. How shocking!
So why did you turn away from Christianity?
Stephanie, look at the very top of the page, where it says “Why?” Start there.