The Official Independent Baptist Rulebook, Known in Some Churches as Church Standards
- Thou shalt obey the pastor at all times
- Thou shalt obey all adults at all times if you are a child or teenager
- Thou shalt obey your husband at all times if you are a woman
- Thou shalt obey your parents at all times
- Thou shalt obey the police and government unless the pastor says it is a sin against God to do so
- Thou shalt tithe
- Thou shalt give an offering
- Thou shalt give a faith promise missionary offering
- Thou give an offering any time the pastor says God is saying to collect a special offering
- Thou shalt attend church every time the doors are open
- Thou shalt read the Bible every day
- Thou shalt pray every day
- Thou shalt pray without ceasing
- Thou shalt pray for every meal, but ice cream at Dairy Queen after church requires no prayer
- Thou shalt only use the King James Bible — 1611 edition which is really the 1769 revision
- Thou shalt only use the Scofield King James Bible
- Thou shalt not have long hair (over your ears, collar) if you are a man
- Thou shalt not have a block cut hairstyle if you are a man
- Thou shalt not have facial hair if you are a man, but if you are a woman you can have facial hair
- Thou shalt not have tattoos unless you have prison tats from your life before Christ
- Thou shalt not take the hem out of your Levi jeans or alter your clothing in any way so that you look worldly
- Thou shalt not wear pants (britches) if you are a woman
- Thou shalt not wear shorts, but a woman can wear Baptist shorts — also known as culottes
- Thou shalt not expose any flesh if you are a woman, especially your thighs, breasts, or back
- Thou shalt only wear dresses with hemlines below the knees if you are a woman
- Thou shalt not have any physical contact with the opposite sex if you are unmarried
- Thou shalt not masturbate
- Thou shalt not have more than one hole in each ear if you are a woman
- Thou shalt not pierce any body part except your ear, and then only if you are a woman
- Thou shalt not watch TV, but if you are a carnal Christian and must watch TV thou shalt only watch Little House on the Prairie or Bonanza
- Thou shalt not go to the movie theater, but using streaming services is okay
- Thou shalt always have tracts in your shirt pocket or purse, ready to evangelize at a moment’s notice
- Thou shalt drive a car with church advertising stickers, IFB cliches, or Bible verses attached to the bumper
- Thou shalt park down the street when visiting the local strip club or whore house lest the pastor know you are there and stay away
- Thou shalt not dance
- Thou shalt not listen to secular music, especially rock music, which is from the pit of hell
- Thou shalt not listen to contemporary Christian music (CCM)
- Thou shalt not smoke tobacco
- Thou shalt not drink fermented alcohol — after all, Jesus drank Welch’s grape juice
- Thou shalt not dip snuff
- Thou shalt not chew tobacco
- Thou shalt not cuss, but saying darn, shoot, crap, freaking, and fudge are okay
- Thou shalt not date non-Independent Baptist girls or boys
- Thou shalt not have any non-Independent Baptist friends
- Thou shalt home school your children or send them to a Christian school
- Thou shalt only read pastor-approved Christian books
- Thou shalt never speak in tongues
- Thou shalt only believe what the pastor says you are to believe
- Thou shalt go soulwinning every week
- Thou shalt say you have victory over sin, even if you are lying
- Thou shalt adhere to the perception is reality rule
- Thou shalt send your kids to the same Christian college the pastor went to
- Thou shalt leave the church if you commit adultery, get a divorce, or get pregnant outside of marriage
- Thou shalt believe everything the pastor says even when you are certain he is lying, speaking evangelistically, or embellishing his illustrations
- Thou shalt wear a bra if you are a woman, and it can only be a white, underwire bra
- Thou shalt not mix bathe (Baptist for swimming with the opposite sex)
- Thou shalt not go to amusement parks unless the youth group is going
- Thou shalt not go to the prom
- Thou shalt not show emotion unless praising Jesus from 10:00 am to noon on Sunday or giving a testimony during Sunday evening service
- Thou shalt say AMEN during at the appropriate time during the pastor’s sermon, especially when he shouts, pounds the pulpit, or performs gymnastics
- Thou shalt not be angry even though the pastor is allowed to be angry, but that’s because his anger is righteous anger
- Thou shalt be for what the pastor is for and against what the pastor is against, because if you don’t, a bear might come out of the woods and eat you
- Thou shalt never use your brain
- Thou shalt ignore any science that contradicts the Bible
- Thou shalt never try to fix your own problems because the pastor is the official fixer of all problems
- Thou shalt takes notes on the sermon even if the rabbit wanders five miles off the trail or the sermon is incoherent
- Thou shalt always tell the pastor what a wonderful sermon he preached, even when you have no idea what he was talking about
- Thou shalt always tell Sister Bertha what a wonderful job she did with her off-key rendition of What a Friend we Have in Jesus
- Thou shalt not use canned (taped) music for music specials
- Thou shall not play the guitar or drums
Please be advised that this rulebook is subject to change at the whim of the pastor. He is the man of God who speaks for God. He alone is allowed to change his mind. This means that God changed his mind, yes?
Of course not.
This is the Christianity of millions of North Americans.
Is it any wonder that we are fucked up?
Feel free to add your own additions to the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Rule Book.
Bruce Gerencser, 69, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 48 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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