Some readers wrongly think that my past Christian life was filled with unhappy, negative experiences. If people only read my polemical writing or my critiques of Evangelicalism, I can understand why they might think I was a disaffected follower of Jesus. However, I generally enjoyed life as a Christian. I had numerous trials and struggles, but by and large, life was good. My partner, Polly, would tell you the same thing. I have few regrets about my time in the ministry. I gladly served Jesus and did what I could to help others. My loss of faith had little to do with negative church experiences. Sure, I was hurt by people, but that was not the reason I deconverted. I divorced Jesus because I could no longer rationally sustain the central claims of Christianity. (Please see The Michael Mock Rule: It Just Doesn’t Make Sense.)
If there’s one thing the church gave me, it was a love for music. Music was central to worship, but it was much more than just the songs played and sung on Sundays. My mom played the piano, as did my sister, and I played the trumpet before I discovered basketball and dropped out of band. As a teen, I sang in a church quartet (see picture above), and as a pastor, I led the music and sang duets with Polly (she was an alto and I was a tenor). Polly played the piano and was part of a college traveling handbell group. Our children can remember countless hours spent singing hymns and gospel songs as we traveled down the road. The good old days . . .
I miss my singing days. Preaching ruined my singing voice, and I no longer have opportunities to sing like I used to. I still listen to and sing hymns and gospel songs, not that I believe their lyrics, but because doing so still stirs me emotionally. When I go places where Christian songs are being sung, I lustily add my voice to the chorus. Not that I believe in God or the central claims of Christianity — I don’t. But I find singing enjoyable, a respite from pain and adversity. I wish there were places I could go to sing without all the baggage that comes from attending church. Sometimes, I will stream Christian music from Pandora, Spotify, or YouTube Music, singing to my heart’s content. People driving by our home who know I am an atheist might find it strange to hear me belting out my favorite psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. What can I say? I am a complex, contradictory man.
As a Christian, were you musically inclined? Did you enjoy singing? Did you sing in the choir or other singing groups? Did you play an instrument in church? If so, as an atheist/agnostic, do you miss your church music days? Do you miss singing unto the Lord? Or is the music a reminder to you of that which you would rather forget? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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I have a question respectfully when you were a preacher and professing Christian did you ever one on one witnessing lead anyone to Christ?
Yes, numerous times. Further, hundreds of people responded to my preaching over the years, putting their faith and trust in Jesus Christ.
Why do you ask?
Have to admit, when I heard music by the Isaacs, I like it in spite of mysefl.
I grew up differently my parents did not push Christianity on us. I listened to radio and the few albums I bought. Examples of hits for me John Lennon Imagine, Steven Stills Paranoia and lots of Elton John because he played piano.
Asking if I was into performing music is like asking if water is wet. My grandma sang in church choir, and she had a piano at home and played. (One story about her childhood during the Depression – her dad gave her 25 cents a week for lunch money and she spent it on piano lessons with a lady in the neighborhood – it’s no wonder Grandma dropped out of high school at age 16 from severe anemia). My grandfather was a musician too – before WWII he played in a band that performed for barn dances, etc, and he made more money doing that than his dad did at the foundry (and his dad physically abused him for that). My mom took accordion lessons as a teen, and I started piano lessons at age 5. Music was huge in our family, though oddly, Grandma was the only one who performed in public (at church) until I did. I was in every youth choir, school choir, and did piano competitions. In college, I was in concert choir, then later in a vocal music performance course where I was the only non-music major. The years I attended church as an adult I was in choir, sometimes sang solos or in small groups, and occasionally played piano.
My kids both took piano lessons for a few years, both were in middle school band, one did Orchestra band in high school, and the other did chorus (and was selected for county and state chorus) and musical theater.
Music is big in our family, and I miss being part of a choir. But I am too lazy to seek out a secular adult choir.
I have a Pandora station that plays Southern Gospel songs I have “liked”- mostly the Chuck Wagon Gang, Kingdom Heirs, The Inspirations, Statler Brothers, Oak Ridge Boys among others. I especially enjoy listening to this station while I’m driving in the country (my own personal method of therapy). The rhythm of this music just seems to make you happy no matter what your mood is. I also listen online to WJJT which is a mostly gospel radio station in Jellico, TN, where I spent a lot of my childhood.
Then there are the Hillbilly Thomists (“Thomist” means someone who follows the teachings of St. Thomas Aquinas), another group I listen to a lot since this is closer to my own personal faith. They are Dominican friars who play bluegrass music- some gospel hymns and some original pieces.
Yes, I sang in the choir.
Even when not in the choir, I enjoyed singing. That was better than listening to sermons.
Years later, long after I had deconverted, I remember asking in our work coffee room “What do you call an atheist who goes to church?” One of my colleagues replied “The organist.”