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Tag: Songs of Sacrilege

Songs of Sacrilege: In the Beginning by Todd Snider

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This is the one hundred and sixteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is In the Beginning by Todd Snider.

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Lyrics

In the beginning, man wondered to himself:
Why, oh why are we here?
And yet, with each asking of this question
the answer would become even less clear
Overwhelmed by fear, distraction took its place
And so it was, in the world’s first shelter
That we began the human race
The human race to fill up more and more empty space
Oh, how we loved, the human race

Until one day this one guy said to this other guy, he said:
Hey, have you seen that guy over there?
He’s got more than everybody else has got
To me, that don’t seem fair
Well, the second guy agreed with the first guy
Everybody else did too
Til they all got so worked up, they figured
there was something they just had to do:
Divide his things up among each other
After they killed him of course
They could see no real good reason not to just
Take what they wanted by force
When they found him he said:
Hey, wait a minute fellas, I wouldn’t kill me just now
You can see that I’ve got more than any of you
Have ever got, wouldn’t you first at least like to know how?
And with that, he had their attention
And with that, he went on loud and clear, he said:
You all know how long we’ve all wondered
Why, oh why are we here?
Well today I’m gonna tell ya all about it
I’m gonna teach ya about sufferin’ and bliss
I’m gonna teach y’all a little bout Heaven and Hell
And the God that gave me all this
God gave me this because I’m humble
And he can do the same for you too
But if you’re seekin’ his love and affection
What you’re doin’ is the last thing I’d do
He sends killers to hellfire, both here and eternally
The good live forever in a place called Heaven
God told me this personally

Who you gonna trust if you can’t trust me?

So unless you want suffering and heartache
Unless you want trouble and fear
You better find some kinda way to humble yourself
May I suggest helpin’ me clean up around here?
‘Course I could pay ya a little bit a money
But more importantly God would see
And if He sees you workin’ humbly
Some day he may give you what he’s given me

Well the crowd just didn’t know what to do with that
Nor could they prove what he said wasn’t true
And since he had what everyone else thought they wanted
It seemed like the thing to do
And with that we rolled into the future
And ain’t it a son of a bitch
To think that we would still need religion
To keep the poor from killin’ the rich?

Who are you gonna trust if you don’t trust me?

Songs of Sacrilege: Conservative, Christian, Right-Wing Republican, Straight,White, American Males by Todd Snider

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This is the one hundred and fifteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Conservative, Christian, Right-Wing Republican, Straight White American Males by Todd Snider.

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Lyrics

Conservative Christian, right wing Republican, straight, white, American male.
Gay bashin, black fearin, poor fightin, tree killin, regioal leaders of sales
Frat housin, keg tappin, shirt tuckin, back slappin haters of hippies like me.
Tree huggin, peace lovin, pot smokin, porn watchin lazyass hippies like me.
Tree huggin, love makin, pro choicen, gay weddin, widespread diggin hippies like me.
Skin color-blinded, conspiracy-minded, protestors of corporate greed,
We who have nothing and most likely will till we all wind up locked up in jails
By conservative Christian, right wing Republican, straight, white, American males,.

Diamonds and dogs, boys and girls, living together in two separate worlds
Following leaders of mountains of shame, looking for someone to blame.

Diamonds and dogs, boys and girls, living together in two separate worlds
Following leaders of mountains of shame, looking for someone to blame.
I know who I like to blame:

Conservative Christian, right wing Republican, straight, white, American males,
Soul savin, flag wavin, Rush lovin, land pavin personal friends to the Quayles
Quite diligently workin so hard to keep the free reins of this Democracy
From tree huggin, peace lovin, pot smokin, barefootin folk-singin hippies like me.
Tree huggin, peace lovin, pot smokin, porn watchin lazyass hippies like me.

Songs of Sacrilege: Rant by Bo Burnham

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This is the one hundred and fourteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Rant by Bo Burnham.

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Lyrics

All the seats at the Sunday masses,
Filled with the mass’s massive asses,
Classes pass as fast as molasses.
Ceremonial reading glasses.
Read a little bit of Leviticus.
All the kids are a little too little for this.
All the parents nod in agreement –
“I think I can vaguely see what he meant.”
It’s too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story,
The father, reads a little bit farther,
Assuring the assured that they need not bother
“When god, in verse 45, said that slaves are okay to buy,
He meant that people, all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts.
Things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery…
And then as god goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves…”

(Uh, He—ju—the Bible’s sorta like…
It’s like, typos… didn’t…)

In the back, I sit and I nod to the beats that are bumpin’ from my iPod
My god, they’re starting to pray
And over the music I can hear them say
“dear god, dear lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword.
Dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway Yahweh.
The blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater,
I’d like to thank your holy might for making me both rich and white
And though this is your day of rest, I come to you with one request
There’s so much pain beyond this steeple,
Wars and drugs and homeless people.
Sadness, where there should be joy, hate and rape and Soulja Boy.
A world in darkness needs your light, so I’m sure your schedule’s pretty tight
But my dog just had surgery if you could fix that first…
Jesus?

Debra Messing’s fingers in a holy place, “Hail Mary full of grace.”

Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope
I know a couple dude’s who wanna elope
See the church said, “nope” so the bros can’t cope.
(the bros can grope but the bros can’t cope)
They’ve been in love, they’ve been addicted
Who said they shouldn’t? Benedict did.
Cause in the holy land of the lord he’s the holy landlord and dicks are evicted.
Cause you can be a benedict if you’ve been a dick under Benedict but
You can’t have benedicts because there’s only one pope with only one dick
What? Yeah, a dick on a pope is
Just like a soap on a rope cause it’s
Pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, Christ has risen.
Hallelujah, now it’s raining men,
Because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
Winos at the Eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation
Jesus wasn’t the messiah, get back I’m a heretic and I’m on fire
It was Oedipus, those holy nights
The holy motherfucking Christ.
I’m a blasphemer post-Katrina cruising the marina. On a crusade to cruise aids
And blast FEMA
You’re too late, we’re fucked we don’t need ya.

Amen
In the name of the father, son and holy ghost
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Turn up your nose, strike that pose.
Hey, Macarena

Songs of Sacrilege: Tennessee by Stephen Lynch

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This is the one hundred and thirteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Tennessee by Stephen Lynch.

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Lyrics

I’ve seen rocky mountains and great lakes
Stood beneath a redwood tree
But wherever I go my heart aches
For a place called Tennessee

Oh come with me
Where the Whiskey flows like wine
And the meth labs are divine
Oh I wanna be
Where the sweet tobacco grows
And it’s picked by poor Negros
In Tennessee

Oh it’s a place where dueling banjos play
And the mountain folk run free
Where all the children can spell KKK
But cannot spell Tennessee

Oh come with me
Where every cheek is filled with chew
And no one’s ever seen a Jew
Oh I wanna be
Where the hotdogs are deep fried
That’s the reason Elvis died
In Tennessee

Oh come with me
Where the Baptist preachers shout
That if you’re gay you best get out
Oh I wanna be
Where hospitality’s the thing
Just ask Martin Luther King
Shot in Tennessee

The birth place of Aretha queen of soul
The B.B. King and Al Gore
I’m not saying it’s a shit hole
But they don’t live there anymore

Oh I wanna see
Mountain dew in every cup
And all the dentists just gave up
Oh come with me
On my fat bed pickup truck
That’s where the classy ladies fuck
In Tennessee

Oh in Tennessee

Songs of Sacrilege: Satellite by the Hooters

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This is the one hundred and twelfth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Heaven is Satellite by the Hooters.

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Lyrics

Hush little baby, don’t cry like that
God’s gonna buy you a Cadillac
He’s chosen you to do his will
You can spread the word in your coupe de ville

So jump in the river and learn to swim
God’s gonna wash away all your sins
And if you still can’t see the light
God’s gonna buy you a satellite

Look to the heavens and see it shine
Heals the sick and leads the blind
Tune it in and hear it say
It’s counting down to judgment day

So jump in the river and learn to swim
God’s gonna wash away all your sins
And if you still can’t see the light
God’s gonna buy you a satellite

Hey, satellite man, your time has come
Your word received by everyone
And should you fall, well, that’s okay
You love the ones that you betray

So jump in the river and learn to swim
God’s gonna wash away all your sins
And when at last you see the light
God’s gonna by you a satellite

So jump in the river and learn to swim
God’s gonna wash away all your sins
And when at last you see the light
God’s gonna buy you a satellite

Yeah, when at last you see the light
God’s gonna buy you a satellite
Hey, God’s gonna buy you a satellite

Look to the heavens and see it shine

Songs of Sacrilege: Heaven is Under the Sun by Beta Play

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This is the one hundred and eleventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Heaven is Under the Sun by Beta Play.

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Lyrics

Well you’ve got Jesus, I think that’s great for you
you’re allowed to believe in, but don’t tell me what you know
you say that I’ve been burning, since the day I was born

And you’ve got opinions, yeah that’s okay with me
but you make the decision, like I’ve got some disease
the tale you are spinning, it’s such a curious one

So you can preach all you want at the top of your lungs
but I ain’t hurting no one
and it feels like I already won
heaven is under the sun
heaven is under the sun

Invite me to your party, it’s an eternal one
but I’ve been tiny dancing around with Elton John
you say he’s not invited, I wouldn’t go in without him

So you can pray all you want for the devious ones
to me you’re speaking in tongues
and it feels like I already won
heaven is under the sun
and here I’m gonna make it on my own
here I’m gonna make it on my own

So you say someone lives inside me, I wouldn’t know who to be
but I know I’m the driver, behind this soul machine
not looking for revival, no I can handle myself

And if the high water come I will not be undone
my heart ain’t weighing a ton
it feels like I already won
heaven is under the
feels like I already won
heaven is under the
feels like I already won
heaven is under the sun
heaven is under the sun
heaven is under the sun
heaven is under the sun

Songs of Sacrilege: Kill the Lights by Matt Nathanson

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This is the one hundred and tenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Kill the Lights by Matt Nathanson.

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Lyrics

My head’s a stereo I can’t turn off.
You said I should learn to sing along.
In your bedroom out on taraval,
We were haunted by everything we wanted.

Kill the lights,
I’m afraid of nothing.
The church of your curves,
The ghost inside us,
The last temptation.

The night is young, but we are younger.
Time is on our side.
Kill the lights.

I found religion at the record store.
I found heaven on your kitchen floor.
You be stunning, baby, I’ll be stunned.
Keep glowing, I’ll follow your explosions

Kill the lights,
I’m afraid of nothing.
The church of your curves,
The ghost inside us,
The last temptation.

The night is young, but we are younger.
Time is on our side.
Kill the lights.

Of all the things I left undone,
I don’t miss a single one.
When everything felt good
I’d fall apart.

All the things I couldn’t see,
Standing right in front of me.
Your body pushed against me
In the dark

Songs of Sacrilege: Praise the Lord and Send Me the Money by Bobby Bare

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This is the one hundred and ninth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Praise the Lord and Send Me the Money by Bobby Bare.

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Lyrics

Praise the Lord and send me the money
I’m happy you can be happy too
If you praise the Lord and send me the money
That’s what Jesus wants you to do

Late one night while watchin’ Columbo
I fell asleep till quarter past three
When just like a vision I thought I was dreamin’
I heard the voice of a man on TV

He said praise the Lord and send me the money
I’m happy you can be happy too
If you praise the Lord and send me the money
That’s what Jesus wants you to do

I sat straight up and reached for my checkbook
Trembling with guilt took my bic pen in hand
I wrote out the figures a one and four zeros
Went out and mailed it with a note to that man

I said praise the Lord I’m sendin’ the money
I surely wanna be happy like you
Praise the Lord I’m sendin’ the money
If that’s what Jesus wants me to do

I woke up late for work the next morning
I could not believe what I’d done
Wrote a hot check to Jesus for ten thousand dollars
And my bank account only held thirty-one

I got a second job at a gasoline station
I’m savin’ me money to pay what I owe
I don’t get much sleep cause I stay up late watchin’
All of the folks on the Lord’s TV show

Sayin’ praise the Lord and send me the money…
Praise the Lord I’m sendin’ the money

Songs of Sacrilege: The Mississippi Squirrel Revival by Ray Stevens

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This is the one hundred and eighth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is The Mississippi Squirrel Revival by Ray Stevens.

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Lyrics

Well when I was kid I’d take a trip
Every summer down to Mississippi
To visit my granny in her antebellum world

I’d run barefooted all day long
Climbing trees free as a song
One day I happened catch myself a squirrel

Well I stuffed him down in an old shoebox
Punched a couple holes in the top
When Sunday came, I snuck him in the church

I was sittin’ way back in the very last pew
Showin’ him to my good buddy Hugh
When that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk

Well what happened next is hard to tell
Some thought it was Heaven others thought it was Hell
But the fact that something was among us was plain to see

As the choir sang, “I surrender all”
The squirrel ran up Harv Newlan’s coveralls
Harv leaped to his feet and said, “Somethin’s got a hold on me!”

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
They were jumpin’ pews and shouting, “Hallelujah”

Well Harv hit the aisles, dancin’ and screamin’
Some thought he had religion, others thought he had a demon
And Harv thought he had a weed eater loose in his fruit of the looms

He fell to his knees to plead and beg
And that squirrel ran out of his britches leg
Unobserved to the other side of the room

All the way down to the Amen pew
Where sat Sister Bertha better than you
Who had been watching all the commotion with sadistic glee

Shoot, you should’ve seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs
She jumped to her feet and said, “Lord, have mercy on me”

As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess
To sins that would make a sailor blush with shame

She told of gossip and church dissension
But the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life
And then she started naming names

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
They were jumpin’ pews and shouting, “Hallelujah”

Well 7 deacons and then the pastor got saved
And 25,000 dollars got raised and 50 volunteered
For missions in the Congo on the spot

And even without an invitaion
There were at least 500 rededications
And we all got rebaptized whether we needed it or not

Now you’ve heard the Bible story, I guess
How He parted the waters for Moses to pass
All the miracles God has brought to this ol’ world

But the one I’ll remember to my dyin’ day
Is how He put that church back on the narrow way
With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
They were jumpin’ pews and shouting, “Hallelujah”

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
They were jumpin’ pews and shouting, “Hallelujah”

Songs of Sacrilege: Would Jesus Wear a Rolex? by Ray Stevens

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This is the one hundred and seventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Would Jesus Wear a Rolex? by Ray Stevens.

Video Link

Lyrics

Woke up this mornin’, turned on the T.V. set
There in livin’ color, was somethin’ I can’t forget
This man was preachin’ at me, yeah, layin’ on the charm
Askin’ me for twenty with ten-thousand on his arm

He wore designer clothes and a big smile on his face
Sellin’ me salvation while they sang amazin’ grace
Askin’ me for money when he had all the signs of wealth
I almost wrote a check out, yeah, then I asked myself

Would He wear a Pinky ring?
Would He drive a fancy car?
Would His wife wear furs and diamonds?
Would His dressin’ room have a star?

If He come back tomorrow
Well there’s somethin’ I’d like to know
(Can you tell me?)
Would Jesus wear a Rolex
On His television show?

Would Jesus be political
If He come back to earth?
Have His second home in Palm Springs?
Yeah, try to hide His worth?

Take money, from those poor folks
When He comes back again
And admit He’s talked to all them preachers
Who say they’ve been talkin’ to Him?

Just ask ya’ self, would He wear a Pinky ring?
Would He drive a fancy car?
Would His wife wear furs and diamonds?
Would His dressing room have a star?

If He come back tomorrow
Well there’s somethin’ I’d like to know
Could ya tell me?
Would Jesus wear a Rolex?
Would Jesus wear a Rolex?
Would Jesus wear a Rolex
On His television show? Oh oh
(Would Jesus wear a Rolex)
(On His television show?)