This is the fifty-seventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Jesus Thinks You’re a Jerk by Frank Zappa.
There’s an ugly little wasel ’bout three-foot nine
Face puffed up from cryin’ ‘n lyin’
‘Cause her sweet little hubby’s
Suckin’ prong part time
(In the name of The Lord)
Get a clue, little shrew
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Jesus thinks you’re a jerk
Did he really choose Tammy to do His Work?
Robertson says that he’s The One
Oh sure he is,
Is your idea of family fun,
An’ he’s got some planned for you!
(Now, tell me that ain’t true)
Now, what if Jimbo’s slightly gay,
Will Pat let Jimbo get away?
Everything we’ve heard him say
Indicated that Jim must pay,
(And it just might hurt a bit)
But keep that money rollin’ in,
‘Cause Pat and naughty Jimbo
Can’t get enough of it
Perhaps it’s their idea
Of an Affirmative Action Plan
To give White Trash a ‘special break’,
Well, they took those Jeezo-bucks and ran
To the bank! To the bank! To the bank! To the bank!
And every night we can hear them thank
Their Buddy, up above
For sending down his love
(While you all smell the glove)
Jim and Pat should take a pole
(Right up each saintly glory-hole),
With tar and feathers too
Just like they’d love to do to you
(‘Cause they think you are bad
And they are very mad)
‘Cause some folks don’t want prayer in school!
(We’d need an ark to survive the drool
Of Micro-publicans, raised on hate,
And ‘Jimbo-Jimbo’ when they graduate)
Conviced they are ‘The Chosen Ones’
And all their parents carry guns,
And hold them cards in the N.R.A.
(With their fingers on the triggers
When they kneel and pray)
With a Ku-Klux muu-muu
In the back of the truck,
If you ain’t Born Again,
They wanna mess you up, screamin’,
“No abortion, no-siree!”
“Life’s too precious, can’t you see!”
(What’s that hangin’ from the neighbor’s tree?
Why, it looks like ‘colored folks’ to me
Would they do that seriously?)
Imagine if you will
A multi-millionaire Television Evangelist,
Saved from Korean Combat duty by his father, a U.S. Senator
But is not qualified to practice it
Father of a “love child”
Who, in adulthood, hosts the remnants
Of papa’s religious propaganda program
Claims not to be a “Faith Healer”,
But has, in the past,
Dealt sternly with everything from hemorrhoids to hurricanes
Involved with funding for a ‘secret war’ in Central America
Claiming Ronald Reagan and Oliver North as close friends
Involved in suspicous ‘tax-avoidance schemes’,
(Under investigation for 16 months by the I.R.S.)
Claims to be a MAN OF GOD;
Currenty seeking the United States Presidency,
Hoping we will all follow him into
The Twilight Zone
What if Pat gets in the White House,
The rights of ‘certain people’ disappear
Now, wouldn’t that sort of qualify
As an American Tragedy?
(Especially if he covers it up, sayin’
“Jesus told it to me!”)
I hope we never see that day,
In The Land of The Free
Or someday will we?
And if you don’t know by now,
The truth of what I’m tellin’ you,
Then, surely I have failed somehow
And Jesus will think I’m a jerk, just like you
If you let those TV Preachers
Make a monkey out of you!
“Jesus will think you’re a jerk”
And it will be true!
There’s an old rugged cross
In the land of cutton
It’s still burnin’ on somebody’s lawn
And it still smells rotten
Jim and Tammy!
You gotta go!
You really got to go