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Evangelical Deception: Fake Conversations so They Can Win You to Jesus

 

sharing jesus

Evangelical preachers are a lot like Mary Kay consultants.

Rosa is a Mary Kay consultant. Thanks to showing her family, friends, neighbors, and fellow church members the Mary Kay way of salvation, Rosa has made lots of money and proudly drives a special Mary Kay pink Cadillac.

Now that Rosa has won everyone she knows over to the one true cosmetic faith, she has decided to take her wrinkle-saving show on the road. According to the Mary Kay home office (also known as Heaven), Rosa is the first consultant to go out into the highways and byways and compel strangers to put their faith in May Kay cosmetics. What follows is a transcript of one of Rosa’s sales calls.

Rosa parks her pink Cadillac several blocks away, not wanting to give away the fact that a Mary Kay evangelizer is in town. Smartly-dressed, Rosa gets out of her car and walks to a park she noticed while she was casing the neighborhood. Rosa saw lots of young women that she was sure would accept Mary Kay as their facial savior. All she had to do was tell them the good news of Mary Kay.

As Rosa enters the park she notices a woman sitting by herself near the swing sets.

Rosa: Hi! How ya doing today?

Woman: Uh…Hi. I’m fine.

Rosa: Beautiful day, isn’t it?

Woman: Yes, it is.

Rosa: Do you mind if I sit with you for a bit?

Woman: Uh…sure.

Rosa: My name is Rosa. What is yours?

Woman: Uh…Barb.

Rosa: Really? Why, my grandmother’s name was Barb. Isn’t that a coincidence?

Barb says nothing

Rosa: Anyway, are you married? Do you have children?

At this point Barb is wondering whether Rosa is a lesbian trolling for a date or a serial killer.

Barb: I’m married, but I don’t have any children.

Rosa: Well, I’ve been married for 40 years and I have two wonderful children and five grandchildren. I just know that you too will some day have children.

Barb is thinking, no I won’t bitch. I had a hysterectomy last year.

Barb, taught by her mother to be polite, smiles and says nothing.

Rosa: You seem like a nice person, Barb. I am really glad that we could meet. I really should be going, but I would like to share something with you before I go. Is that okay?

Before Barb can say a word…

Rosa: Barb, I notice that you wear makeup. Where do you buy your makeup?

Barb: Walmart or Dollar General.

Rosa: I see. Well…those are okay places to buy makeup, but I know of a company that sells the best beauty products. And once women use this makeup, why they never go back to using their old stuff. Would you like me to share with you how you can know for certain that you are wearing the best makeup?

Before Barb can say a word…

Rosa: Let me tell you about Mary Kay, the face savior of the World.

The above sales technique, befriending people so they will let down their guard, is often used by Evangelicals to evangelize those they deem unsaved. Never forget that Evangelicals who use this technique really don’t want to be your friend. Their goal is to get you to buy their product: salvation.

And if you do buy salvation? Just remember that there is no warranty on the product unless you each week go to the warranty validation office: the church. If you get your salvation warranty validated weekly, you will certainly have a lot of friends: fellow salvation purchasers. However, if your salvation ever becomes defective and you decide to try another product, you will quickly find that all the friends you thought you had were just your friends because you had the same kind of salvation as they did.

 

1 Comment

  1. Avatar
    Brian

    We’d like to tell you about cheeses… (very clever)
    I laughed for a moment and then my mind was suddenly back at the front door of my place years ago, and I was opening it to a woman probably in her thirties, late thirties or so and a young pre-adolescent girl. I immediately knew that they were religious because of the conservative clothing and hands held together in front, a presentation stance.
    If the adult had been alone, I would have very quickly and politely dispatched her so I could get back to my work but because the child was there, I was taken aback and felt immediately protective of her and very very sad in my heart.
    “Sir,” this young girl recited, “we knocked on your door today to bring you the good news! The world is coming to an end…. etc.”
    It was so pathetic and I was unable to tell her mother off because I knew that somehow the little kid would end up being blamed and harmed for it. Fucking Christian wacko abusers marching their children around like Jesus soldiers, knocking on strangers doors and spouting memory work.
    But aside from that unpleasantness, Bruce: I think you are very confused. I wan to tell you about the real cheeses.

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