Evangelical preachers are a lot like Mary Kay consultants.
Rosa is a Mary Kay consultant. Thanks to showing her family, friends, neighbors, and fellow church members the Mary Kay way of salvation, Rosa has made lots of money and proudly drives a special Mary Kay pink Cadillac.
Now that Rosa has won everyone she knows over to the one true cosmetic faith, she has decided to take her wrinkle-saving show on the road. According to the Mary Kay home office (also known as Heaven), Rosa is the first consultant to go out into the highways and byways and compel strangers to put their faith in May Kay cosmetics. What follows is a transcript of one of Rosa’s sales calls.
Rosa parks her pink Cadillac several blocks away, not wanting to give away the fact that a Mary Kay evangelizer is in town. Smartly dressed, Rosa gets out of her car and walks to a park she noticed while she was casing the neighborhood. Rosa saw lots of young women that she was sure would accept Mary Kay as their facial savior. All she had to do was tell them the good news of Mary Kay.
As Rosa enters the park, she notices a woman sitting by herself near the swing sets.
Rosa: Hi! How ya doing today?
Woman: Uh . . . Hi. I’m fine.
Rosa: Beautiful day, isn’t it?
Woman: Yes, it is.
Rosa: Do you mind if I sit with you for a bit?
Woman: Uh . . . sure.
Rosa: My name is Rosa. What is yours?
Woman: Barb.
Rosa: Really? Why my grandmother’s name was Barb. Isn’t that a coincidence?
Barb says nothing
Rosa: Anyway, are you married? Do you have children?
At this point, Barb is wondering whether Rosa is a lesbian trolling for a date or a serial killer.
Barb: I’m married, but I don’t have any children.
Rosa: Well, I’ve been married for 40 years, and I have two wonderful children and five grandchildren. I just know that you too will someday have children.
Barb is thinking, no I won’t bitch. I had a hysterectomy last year.
Barb, taught by her mother to be polite, smiles and says nothing.
Rosa: You seem like a nice person, Barb. I am really glad that we could meet. I really should be going, but I would like to share something with you before I go. Is that okay?
Before Barb can say a word. . .
Rosa: Barb, I notice that you wear makeup. Where do you buy your makeup?
Barb: Walmart or Dollar General.
Rosa: I see. Well . . . those are “okay” places to buy makeup, but I know of a company that sells the best beauty products. And once women use this makeup, why they never go back to using their old stuff. Would you like me to share with you how you can know for certain that you are wearing the best makeup?
Before Barb can say a word . . .
Rosa: Let me tell you about Mary Kay, the face savior of the World.
The above sales technique: befriending people so they will let down their guard, is often used by Evangelicals to evangelize those they deem unsaved. Never forget that Evangelicals who use this technique really don’t want to be your friend. Their goal is to get you to buy their product: salvation.
And if you do buy salvation? Just remember that there is no warranty on the product unless you each week go to the warranty validation office: the church. If you get your salvation warranty validated weekly, you will certainly have a lot of friends: fellow salvation purchasers. However, if your salvation ever becomes defective and you decide to try another product, you will quickly find that all the friends you thought you had were just your friends because you had the same kind of salvation as they did.
Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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