World Missions and the IFB Church

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If you were raised in the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church (IFB), you know how seriously they take world missions. IFB churches think their beliefs are the only truth and their practices are the only way to function as a church and live as a Christian. All other Christians sects are looked upon as “doubtful”  and non-Christian sects are considered tools of Satan used to deceive the masses and lead  them to a Christless hell.

Members of an IFB church hear missionary speakers quite often. Some churches have letters from the missionaries read from the pulpit, and most of them, somewhere in the church building, have a board where all the letters from the missionaries are posted.

In the IFB church, everything revolves around numbers. Attendance. Souls saved. People baptized. Offering size. How many preachers boys called into the ministry. How many men and single women called to the mission field. And…how many missionaries are supported by the church.

All of these numbers matter in the IFB church movement. Success is determined by the size of these numbers. I have often said, size matters, and what plays out in IFB churches is quite similar to men with their my dick is bigger obsession. Men with small dicks say nothing, as do pastors who pastor small churches and do not have the numbers the “successful” pastor’s have.

IFB churches like to support lots of missionaries. They may only give the missionary 25.00 a month, but, if they support fifty missionaries at 25,00 a month, they can brag at the next Preacher’s Meeting that they support FIFTY missionaries.  Remember SIZE is everything!

Many churches have Missionary Conferences. These conferences are focused times when hotshot preachers come and preach about missions. Rarely do missionaries preach. They might give a report to the congregation or share their calling to ____________ country, but most preachers know, if you want to raise money for missions, NEVER allow the missionaries to preach.

Why? Many missionaries can’t preach a lick. They are often their own worst enemy.  They may have a passion for winning souls but they often lack good communication skills. An IFB adage goes like this…preachers who can preach do, those who can’t go to the mission field.

So the hotshot preachers preach, and through their manipulative preaching and stories of lost people in need of IFB salvation, they make church people feel guilty over not giving enough money to the missions fund. If they are real good, they might successfully guilt a few church members into leaving the secular world and joining the preacher/missionary fraternity.

Countless young men and women, and quite a few older married couples, have abandoned all their hopes and dreams to chase after their “call” to be a  missionary. Many of them NEVER make it to the field and quietly return home and fade back into the fabric of the IFB church.

They are failures. They weren’t willing to sell-out and follow Jesus. They are looked down on because they said God was calling them to the mission field and they didn’t follow through.  Surely, there is something wrong with them, right?

Perhaps there is another scenario. Perhaps what really happened is that they were emotionally and mentally manipulated by a hotshot preacher who was an expert at getting people to think that his voice was the voice of the Holy Spirit.

Once a person says, God is calling me…it is almost impossible to undo what has been set in motion. The pastor brags about Bro, Mike being called to Canada. (yes, IFB churches send missionaries to Canada)  The church is excited. Bro Mike, remember little Mickey? He is going to Canada to win the heathen Canucks to Jesus.

And so, off to Bible College Bro. Mike  goes. He is trained in the IFB way of doing things. He graduates and starts on  deputation. He travels from church to church BEGGING them to give him money so he can win heathen Canucks to Jesus.

He has a table display of items that show why the Canucks really, really need Jesus. Most likely he has a slide presentation or a multimedia presentation that he shows to churches in hopes of getting them to see that Canada is a vast wasteland with millions of people in need of the IFB gospel and Jesus.

If he is lucky, after his presentation, the church will commit to supporting him. If they don’t, he moves on to the next church. Maybe the next church will “see” the need and support him.

Prospective IFB missionaries will often spend years trying to get enough money together to get to the field. Many will never make it. Imagine the humiliation of having to go back to their home church and admit they aren’t going to the mission field.

Some of them will try to redeem themselves by coming up with a new calling. Instead of going to another country, they now think God is calling them to be a missionary in the U.S.

In this new scenario, they can work a secular job (tent making like the Apostle Paul) and still be a missionary. Their home church will kick a few bucks their way every months, and they will then be able to say they are still a missionary.

I have met countless missionaries who are missionaries to things like public schools, nursing homes, the streets of X major city, etc.  Anything is better than being labeled a failure, a quitter.

Do you have a missions story to tell? Were you called at one time to be a missionary? Please share your story in the comment section.

Notes:

Let you doubt they actually send missionaries to Canada and the U.S. check here, here, and here.

My wife’s cousin’s husband, Jamie Overton was recently called to be a missionary to India. They are working through a Fundamentalist mission agency called, World View Ministries. Their sending church is my wife’s uncle’s church, the Newark Baptist Temple in Heath, Ohio.

The Victim Becomes a Victimizer

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Bruce, Ordination, 1983, Emmanuel Baptist Church, Buckeye Lake, Ohio

In the early 1960’s, my parents put their faith and trust in Jesus and our family joined the Scott Memorial Baptist Church in San Diego, California. Tim LaHaye was the pastor at the time.  From this point forward, until I left the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist (IFB) church movement in the late 1980’s, I was immersed in IFB thinking, ideology, and practice.

When my parents moved us back to Ohio, we immediately found a “good” Bible preaching church to attend. Wherever we moved, and we moved a lot, my parents made sure we were going to an IFB or IFB-Like church.

I spent my teenage years attending Trinity Baptist Church in Findlay, Ohio. I lived in Findlay for almost four years. This was the longest time I lived in one place, even though I lived in three houses over four years. I spent 1973-74 living apart from my parents, splitting time living between two  families in the church. (Bob and Bonnie Bolander and Gladys Canterbury)

As we all know, our teenage years are very important. It is during our teenage years we begin to develop critical thinking skills and we begin to develop a worldview.  Of course, my worldview had  God, the Bible, and IFB thinking smack dab at the center of it.

Not long after my parents divorced, I made a profession of faith in Christ and was baptized. Shortly after that, I told the church I was called to be be a preacher.  From this point forward, I immersed myself in the IFB way of life.

I was a true-blue believer. When my less-spiritual church friends were drinking, smoking pot, and having sex…it was the 1970’s…I was going to church every time the doors were open, attending all-night prayer meetings, running  a bus route, going out on visitation, carrying my Bible to school, and witnessing to classmates.

In every way, I was the real deal. Keep in mind my parents stopped going to church after they divorced. I went to church on my own, often riding my bike or walking to church.  I sincerely believed the IFB church was the way, truth, and life.

When I had to move away from Findlay in 1974, I continued to involve myself in IFB churches no matter where I lived.  While I had moments where I strayed from my IFB beliefs, for the most part, I remained a loyal-son of the IFB church.

In the fall of 1976, I enrolled, for the purpose of studying for the ministry, at Midwestern Baptist College in Pontiac, Michigan.  Midwestern was an unaccredited  IFB Bible college started in the 1950’s by IFB megastar Tom Malone. It specialized in training men for the ministry.

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Bruce preaching to full house at Somerset Baptist Church, Somerset, Ohio 1986

I met my wife while at Midwestern, and in 1979 we left Midwestern and I began working at an IFB church in Montpelier, Ohio. (affiliated with the GARBC) For the next ten years, I pastored IFB churches.

In the late 1980’s, I moved away from the IFB church, embracing Calvinism and expository preaching.  For a time, I was a Fundamentalist Calvinist, quite conservative, but, bit by bit, my theology, and, most importantly, my treatment of the people I pastored, changed.  When I left the ministry in 2003, I was a long-long way from my days in the IFB church movement.

Those of you who have read this blog for years know everything I have written so far. Perhaps you are wondering, Bruce…do you have Alzheimer’s? This is old news to us. Smile First, I want new readers to understand how and why I got to where I am today. Second,  it is important for me to write what I have written above so what I write next makes sense.  If readers don’t understand my past, the context of my life, they will certainly misjudge what I am about to write.

The title of this post is, A Victim and a Victimizer. It could just as easily be titled, Abused and an Abuser.  I am sure you are familiar with the fact that a person who was abused as a child is more likely to abuse their own children. Why is this?

Humans, like all animals, do what they know. They tend to do what they have been taught, what has been modeled to them by parents, extended family, and people they have intimate contact with. (i.e. teachers, preachers)

We also know that a child almost always chooses the religion of his parents, family, and culture. I could no more have become a Catholic than the Pope could have become an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist.  I became exactly what I was raised and trained to be.

I am sure many of you can relate to this. We look back on our lives in the IFB church and we are embarrassed and ashamed.  I know I have a lot of guilt over my past.  Yes, I now realize that I was a victim, but I also realize that I was, for many years, a victimizer. Sometimes, I find a bit of mental relief when I remind myself that I was only doing what every church, pastor, and college professor taught me to do…but the relief quickly passes as I remind myself that I mistreated people.

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Bruce preaching at Somerset Baptist Church 1986

Like every IFB preacher who has travelled a similar path, I reached a place where I had to embrace my “sins.” No, I wasn’t a child abuser. No, I never slept with women in the church. No, I never stole money from the church. No, I don’t have any criminal acts in my closet. Should I find comfort in the fact that I wasn’t as bad as some IFB pastors and church leaders?

In many ways, I was a good pastor. I loved the people I pastored and I sincerely wanted to help them. I was there for them, no matter the circumstance. I married them and buried them. I wept with them and rejoiced with them. I loaned them money, clothed their children, and gave them food to eat.  I took them to the doctor, grocery store, and the welfare office.  In these kind of things…I was a good pastor.

But, there’s the rest of the story.

I also was an arrogant, filled with certainty, hellfire and brimstone IFB pastor. I ruled the church as if it was my kingdom. I also ruled the lives of the people I pastored. I did this through my preaching. I preached on sin, their sins. I used the Bible as a club. What I thought was God calling out their sin was really me gutting them and showing their humanity to everyone.

Through “hard” preaching and high-pressure altar calls, I manipulated people into getting right with God. You see, I am a pretty good public speaker. I learned my craft well. At the time, I thought the response to my preaching was God working and moving, but I now see that I emotionally manipulated people to get the response I wanted. (after I became a Calvinist and an expositional preacher, these tactics stopped)

As an IFB pastor, I was the CEO of the church. I controlled everything. Anyone raised In the IFB church has heard the phrase “pastoral authority” countless times.   My word was the law and those who dared to challenge me usually ended up leaving the church.  Where did I get the idea to be so controlling? It was what was modeled to me by every church and pastor I was ever a part of. Even when I was in college, Tom Malone ruled the church, Emmanuel Baptist Church and the college with a rod of iron. (after all this is what the Bible taught, I was told)

I wanted to be like Tom Malone. A great orator who pastored a large church.  He was my idea of the ideal preacher. There was no doubt who controlled Emmanuel Baptist Church and Midwestern Baptist College. Cross Tom Malone and you were out on your ear.

Tom Malone is revered in IFB circles. (he died a few years ago) What a great man of God. Yes, and he was an autocratic control freak, who, in the name of God, always got what he wanted.

As a preacher boy trained in HIS college, I emulated him when I started pastoring churches. The victim became the victimizer.  I became what I was raised to be.

Yes, I find a small bit of comfort in the fact that my family and I escaped the abusive, mind numbing clutches of the IFB church movement.  I am grateful we were able to find and develop a more healthy form of Christianity. (though I never lost the tendency to need to be the CEO of the church)  But..finding a more healthy form of Christianity, and now embracing atheism, does not erase the emotional and mental damage I did to people when I was an IFB pastor.

When I come across former church members I always tell them, I am sorry.  It seems so hollow, doesn’t it?  I robbed people of their ability to think critically and I used the Bible to control and dominate their lives. I manipulated them, albeit sincerely, in the name of God.  I’m sorry, doesn’t cut it.

Most of the people who made me the IFB preacher I was, are either dead or still plying their trade in the IFB church movement. Most of my former IFB colleagues are still in the IFB church movement.  With great certainty, they continue to pass on the bankrupt, abusive heritage of the IFB church movement.

Why was I able to get away from it? Good question, a question that I have asked myself many times.  My counselor told me it is very rare for people who were immersed in Fundamentalist religion like I was, to break free from it. The same goes for leaving the ministry altogether. Rarely does a man in his fifties, a man who spent his entire adult life in the ministry, walk away. They have too much invested to walk away.

But, I did. Am I special? Of course not. I have met hundreds of people like me, This blog is read by people who grew up like I did. They may not have been a preacher, but they know what it is to have their lives ruined by the IFB church.

We are however, a fraternity of survivors and if we have one goal, it is to make sure that other people do not get caught up in the mind-killing and soul-killing IFB church. (and this could be said about Evangelicalism too) We are broken people and we bear the scars of our past. We can’t undo the past. All we can do is embrace the past and do everything we can to make sure other people do not follow in our steps.

As a father, I am so glad that the generational curse of the IFB church has been broken with my children. I am so grateful that none of my grandchildren will be raised in mind-numbing, soul-killing Fundamentalism.  They are free, thank the gods, they are free.

As for me, I continue to see a counselor and work through the past. By understanding my past I hope to be able to help others in the present. I can’t undo the past. At best, this blog is my penance, and as I get the Leaving the Faith Project up and running, I hope that I can in the latter years of my life help those caught in the web of Fundamentalism.  It is the least I can do…

If you have not read the ongoing series, The Fundy World Tales, I encourage you to do so. It will help give you some insight as to my past.

How IFB Pastor Bob Gray Excuses the Bad Behavior of Others

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This entry is part 17 of 17 in the seriesJack Hyles and Jack Schaap

bob_gray_longviewBob Gray is the former pastor of the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist church, (IFB) the  Longview Baptist Temple in Longview, Texas. He pastored the church for decades and then passed off the franchise to his son.  Gray is a graduate of Hyles-Anderson College and is a noted conference speaker and disciple and defender of the late Jack Hyles.

I have always wondered how people like Gray can continue to defend Jack Hyles knowing what we now know about him. (see my series, Jack Hyles and Jack Schaap) Gray has to know that Hyles was an adulterer and a liar, but he still considers Hyles a Hero of the Faith, a man worthy of emulation.  Why is this?

In a recent blog post, Gray revealed WHY he still considers Jack Hyles a Hero of the Faith, a man that most preachers are unworthy to even lick the dust off his sandals. He doesn’t mention Hyles or any other IFB preacher by name, but, it is clear that Gray is quite a forgiving person when it comes to the peccadilloes of the preacher fraternity.

Bob Gray believes in a principle he calls, averaging life. Let me explain this principle to you. We know, based on the Bible, that:

  • Moses was a murderer
  • Abraham was an adulterer
  • Lot committed incest with his daughters
  • Jacob was a liar and a thief
  • David was an adulterer and a murderer
  • Noah got drunk and perhaps committed a homosexual act
  • Solomon had hundreds of wives and concubines

Yet, the Bible says:

  • Moses was a prophet God knew face-to-face
  • Abraham was God’s friend
  • Lot was a righteous man
  • Jacob was a prince of God
  • David was a man after God’s heart
  • Noah was a preacher of righteousness
  • Solomon was the wisest man in the world

Rather than seeing how inconsistent it is to say that David, an adulterer and murderer, is a man after God’s own heart, Gray comes up with a novel way of reconciling this inconsistency.  Gray writes:

How can all of these cases be true?  What was God thinking?  Maybe this is what God did.  Could it be that He looked at each individual’s life and average out that life? Did God take one day and grade it?  Did he then take the next day and grade it?

Did God, at the end of their lives, average out their days and then come to the conclusion that on an average Moses was a “servant,” David was a “…a man after mine own heart,” Noah was a “preacher of righteousness,”Lot had a “just” and “righteous soul,” and Solomon was a “wise” man?

God is not saying that Moses never did anything wrong.  God is saying the average came out to be such that God called him “my servant.” God is saying the same thing about Abraham. God is saying that He averaged out Abraham’s life and his average was defined in the word “friend.”

God summarizes Moses’ life taking into account the bad days, good days, and high days giving him the average grade of “my servant.”  God did the same with all of the above people mentioned…

…The professional baseball player who will lead his league in hitting will be the one with the highest average.  The Valedictorian for the class of 2013 will be the one with the highest average.  Isn’t this a wonderful thought?  Think about it! God will not judge any of His people by bad days, or by high days;  He will judge all of the days and give an average…

…Let us consider all of the good things people have done and average it ALL out.  A pastor is never happy when someone leaves their church.  However, I refuse to be a part of this crowd that says, “What have you done for me lately?”  How about changing the motto to “What have you done for me formerly?”   Averaging it out will cause you to keep a right spirit about those who forsake you and to keep a right spirit about those who are currently involved in your life…

jack_hyles_bookIn one blog post, Gray finally explains for me why he and many other IFB pastors continue to support and defend the legacy of men like Jack Hyles. According to Gray, one Aw-Shit should not cancel out five Atta-boys.  In other words, since there is no sin God cannot or will not forgive, it is possible for an adulterous, lying, pastor or a pedophile pastor like the other Bob Gray in Jacksonville, Florida, to redeem themselves and restore the favor of God in their lives.

As an IFB pastor, Gray savages those who believe that rightness with God can be gained by good works. Countless people believe that as long as their good outweighs their bad, that all will be well between them and God.

Gray surely calls such thinking works salvation and thinks these kind of people are not Christians. Yet, once a person has prayed the sinners prayer, once they have followed the One-Two-Three, repeat after me, bastardized salvation plan of IFB preachers like Bob Gray, as long as their good outweighs their bad, we should view the person in a positive light.

While Gray will never say  publicly for fear of being lynched…Look at all the good that Jack Schaap did. After all, he only sexually violated one teenage girl. On average, his good works far outweigh his bad, according to his averaging life principle, he surely must think that Schaap’s good outweighs the bad.

For Gray, it becomes quite easy to excuse and justify the bad things that IFB pastors do. Gray wants people to forgive and move on. He wants people to judge the fallen IFB pastors based on their total record, and not just on the few bad things they have done.

What Gray seems to not understand is that some bad behaviors (sins according to the Bible) should never be forgiven and the person committing the bad act (s) must NEVER be given a pass on their conduct.

It doesn’t matter how much good Jack Schaap did. He manipulated and violated a young girl and he deserves to rot in prison for what he did. I am sure Gray thinks that the lawsuit the girl filed against Schaap and the church is wrong. Look at all the good First Baptist of Hammond has done, Gray will say. Yes, they did a lot of good things. And they also enabled predatory preachers and stood by and did little to nothing while these preachers destroyed the lives of others. They should NOT be given a free pass, and if this suit results in the church being crippled, let it be a reminder to other churches that ignoring predatory and manipulative behavior by church leaders will be costly.

Gray probably thinks that God will give Schaap a second chance to redeem himself while in prison. Maybe he will start a ministry. Surely, Schaap deserves to be known for the good he has done rather than a moment of “weakness” where he manipulated and preyed on a girl he was counseling.

If you want to know why the IFB church movement has such a problem with abusive, dishonest, and predatory preachers, you need to look no further than Gray’s idea of averaging out a person’s life.

Some things in the grand scheme of life don’t matter. I am all for giving people a second chance. However, when it comes to things like murder, incest, child abuse, and pedophilia, it is one strike and you are out. No passing GO, no getting a second chance.

Lurking in the shadows of the IFB church movement are countless preachers who are saying Amen to Gray’’s idea of averaging out life.  They promise God, I will be different this time, God. Really. I promise to leave kids alone. I promise to keep my fly zipped up. I promise not lie, cheat, and steal. Really…Lord.

And off they go…as a leopard that cannot change its spots…doing the very things they promised God they would never do again.

I am all for forgiveness and second chances. However, to suggest that we only judge a person’s life on average minimizes the bad that some people do.

Jack Hyles was an adulterer who routinely lied to people.  He was a megalomaniac who mentally and emotionally damaged countless people. There can be no defense of  his behaviors and until the Bob Gray and the IFB church movement understands this, they will continue to be a haven for preachers who use their power and authority to prey on others and harm them emotionally, mentally, and at times, physically.

Do you think my words are harsh? Good. Unlike Gray, I am not willing to give bad-behaving preachers a pass. I am not willing to give David, Noah, Lot, or Abraham a pass either. I look  at these “great” men of faith and I ask myself, is this is the best Christianity has to offer? If these men are the “pillars” of the faith…dare any person be in a room alone with a man who calls himself a man of God?

Instead of coming up with a  method for dismissing the bad things people do and remembering them for only the good they have done,  we should see people as they are and we should never give them a pass when it comes to behaviors that savage and destroy people.  These predators and abusers don’t deserve forgiveness nor do they deserve a do-over.

As the Bible says, to whom much is given, much is required. To give them a pass and only remember them for the good they have done is to violate their victims all over again. I, for one, am not willing to do this and I suspect most of the readers of this blog are willing to do so either.

I Wonder

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A Spicebush Swallowtail  that found a resting spot in our garden today. A beauty to behold.

It’s late Spring in the rural, NW Ohio community of Ney.

The asparagus continues to grow, as does the rhubarb. Soon they will be done. I wonder will they again next year break through the early Spring ground to bless us with their fruit?

The apple trees blossomed and even survived a freeze. This year we added a cherry tree and peach tree.  I can’t wait to put the first bite of cherry pie into my mouth a few years from now. I wonder, will I still be among the living?

The maple tree didn’t make it. For four years it fought, trying to stay alive, every Spring displaying fewer and few buds. This Spring, there were no new buds. I wonder what killed our friend?

In its place we planted a river birch. Actually, we planted two river birch trees and two azalea bushes and two lilac bushes. I wonder, will we run out of yard someday?

The garden is planted. Peas, beans, onions, lettuce, beets, and spinach. And then there’s the nursery plants…tomatoes and peppers. I wonder, will they all produce this year?

We planted more wildflowers. The birds, spiders, and butterflies thank us. We planted marigolds sweet peas, and best of all, we planted four different varieties of sunflowers. I wonder if the birds know that we plant the sunflowers for them?

The honeysuckle we planted a few years ago is now taking over the trellis and the ivy is now making its way up the fence. Everywhere we look we see beauty. Yes, we see the fruit of  our labor but it is more than that. The sun shines, the rain comes, the earth gives up its nutrients. All so we can revel in the colors of life and have food to eat. I wonder, will climate change ruin all of this?

It is dusk now and the sun is setting in the west just like it has for the 20,378 days I have spent on this earth. I wonder if my neighbors understand our star is dying?

As the sun sets, Ney becomes quieter. It is one of those nights where every sound can be heard. I wonder, will my neighbors turn off their TV long enough to listen?

And then it starts. A croak. silence. The same croak again. The croaker is in our back yard. He is close and his froggy voice booms into the night. And then, just like a choir singing its parts, another frog responds. And the croaking choir sings out its song. It is such a beautiful sound. The air is still and I can tell that some of the frogs are way off in the distance. Back and forth they croak, each trying to woo to a female frog. It is their love song that I am hearing. I wonder, are we capable of stopping the spinning wheel of the rat race long enough to hear and see what a wonderful world we live in?

I wonder…

Email from a 76 Year Old Evangelical Woman

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An Evangelical woman by the name of Mary emailed me several days ago. She wrote:

First time to read your blog. Just amazed that by becoming an atheist you have thrown out the baby with the bath. Seems like overkill.

Mary’s email to me was based on her reading ONE post on this blog, But Bruce, Don’t Women Choose to Stay in Fundamentalism.

One post. Like many of her ilk, she made NO attempt to read anything else I wrote.

After five years of letters from Evangelicals, I am not as kind, nice, understanding, or longsuffering as I should be. After getting these kinds of emails day-after-day,, week-after-week, it wears on me. I guess I could just not reply to them…but I have never been able to ignore people like Mary. I don’t want them to think that they have put the atheist in his place or think , boy I sure told him.

I can be snarky when dealing with Evangelicals, so I hope you will forgive my snarkiness as you read my response to Mary:

By becoming an atheist I am free.

You see, I found out that there is no baby in the bathwater.

I spent 50 years in the Christian church, 25 years as an Evangelical pastor. The single best decision I made was to walk away.  I am sure you see things differently but it is where my journey led me and I am quite happy to be where I am now. (and so is my wife)

I wish you well.

In today’s inbox was this from Mary:

Thank you for your response.

I am so sorry. Sorry that while you successfully escaped one Lie, you turned and swallowed another.

I responded:

And you are now an insufferable Christian who arrogantly and self-righteously thinks they have the truth and that anyone who doesn’t has bought into a lie.

Instead of accepting people as they are and respecting the path they have chosen, you want everyone to be like you. Ask yourself, WHY would I want to be like you?  Your emails are just a reminder of what I left. Why would I ever want to go back to the leeks and bondage of Egypt? The atheist/humanist/secularist Promised Land is better, far better than that which I have left behind.

Hell? judgment? I fear neither. I don’t think there is a god, but if I am wrong then my good works will have to suffice. If not, why would I want to live in eternity with a god who values believing and right doctrine over good works?

So, enjoy your smug Christian life. I will continue to enjoy the lie I am living. It really is sweet. You ought to try it.

Mary responded:

It is interesting that while you do not even know me as a person, yet you have judged me to be a judgmental person?? I hear your anger. No doubt you have reason to be angry from your description of your past with its cast of characters who ascribe to a  harsh and indescribably self-righteous religiosity. I am 76 and have interacted with many like that. Even got caught in a group who originally taught truth, but eventually used it to manipulate and trap others. I am thankful to be free of that spirit.  Today I, too, am free . But I did not have to reject God in order to get there.

While your anger may have a legitimate base, your bitterness seems to spew forth on everyone, regardless.

I responded:

You read one blog post of mine (I checked the logs) and came to the conclusions you did.

You also have an online presence that I checked out. Surprise.

If you had bothered to read a bit more of my writing you would have learned that I left the Fundamentalist church in the late 1980′s. You would have learned that when I left the ministry I left as a progressive/liberal Christian. You would have learned that the reason that I am not a Christian is because I do not believe the Bible is an inerrant, inspired text and I reject the claims Christians make for the Bible. You would have learned that I think Jesus existed but that he was a man who lived and died. End of story. No miracles. No resurrection. It is for these reasons I am not a Christian.

But, please, by all means, dismiss me as an angry man. No one but people like you believes this about me…but, I don’t want to interrupt your delusional thoughts about me with facts.

Again, you made no effort to get to know me as a person. You read a post and responded.

You seem unable to see how your words might be offensive to me. You refuse to accept me as I am and you assume that there is some defect in my character. After all, imagine an atheist writing you without ever reading anything you have written, and them telling you your Christian faith is a lie and that you have bought into that lie?

What did you hope to gain by emailing me? It certainly couldn’t have been to help me nor was it an attempt to understand me better. No, you just wanted to make sure I knew that I had thrown out the proverbial baby with the bathwater and that I am believing a lie.

I am not a novice when it comes to Christianity and the Bible. As a former Evangelical I know how you think. Since it is clear you think the Bible is God’s word (based on your old blog posts), you know the Bible says in John 8:44:

Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.

When you say I have bought into a lie, you are saying I am following after my father Satan.

Again, I ask you, what did you hope to gain by emailing me? There is nothing you can say that would ever cause me to reconsider Christianity. In fact, I doubt there is anything you can tell me from the Bible that I do not already know. To be blunt…been there, done that.

I wish you well Mary. Now I am going to go back to watching the ballgame and enjoying my family. They are what matter and they are all I need.

And so it goes. I am sure Mary is a nice person. I am sure she means well. But, nice, well-meaning people can also be blinded to how their words and actions are viewed by others, especially people like me.

You see, Mary is not concerned about me. Her email to me is all about making sure that the “truth” is proclaimed.  Those of you who are non-Christians understand this quite well. Many Christians feel they have a God ordained responsibility to confront what they think is error. (in Mary’s case, what she considers a lie) They rarely consider how their words will be received, or, for that matter, who they are even speaking to, Understanding my journey is of no importance to the Mary’s of the world. All that matters is Jesus.

After five years of this kind of stuff, I have come to accept that this is just how it is. Evangelicals are incapable of seeing anything outside their narrow, truncated worldview. Everything is judged according to the standard of the Bible, or should I say their own peculiar interpretation of the Bible.

Now back to the ballgame. The Reds have the bases loaded. I WILL be angry if we don’t get some runs out of this. Smile

I Love You and You are an Abomination to God

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lefthanded

I am sure you have been exposed to this kind of thinking or maybe you used it yourself when you were a Christian…I love you so much that I MUST tell you the truth. Truth, of course meaning a person’s interpretation of the Christian Bible.

People who think this way believe that truly loving someone means telling them the truth even when the person doesn’t want to hear it or the “truth” would be offensive.

Many Christians think they have a God-ordained right to offend people as long they say they are doing it in love.

Imagine trying this with your wife. Honey, I love you and because I love you I must tell you what I really think about you.  You are a fat bitch who can’t cook and, btw, the sex is lousy. How do you think that would go over with your wife? (after you got out of the hospital) Smile

This is exactly how many Christians act towards people they think are doing things that God and the Bible disapprove of.  When challenged on this, they will often say, I am just saying what God said.

They seem to be the oblivious to the fact that when they say , you are an abomination because __________________________________________ ,(fill in appropriate sin and Bible proof text) the person they are saying this to takes it quite personally. They don’t think God thinks of them that way. They think the person making the statement does.

love_sinner_hate_sinUsing the hate the sin and not the sinner line doesn’t work either. First, the Bible says God hates sin and those who do it. Second, a Christians should love what God loves and hate what God hates.

Let me illustrate it like this. Suppose you are talking a walk in the woods and all of a sudden you stumble upon a skunk. Before you can run backwards, the skunk raises its tail and sprays you. You run away from the skunk but the skunk’s smell covers your skin and clothing.

Do you say, oh I love the skunk but hate his smell? Of course not. The skunk and its smell are intricately linked. If the Christian is consistent with their theology they must conclude that the sinner is intricately linked to his sin. Who does the sinning? The sinner does.

Of course, I know why some Christians take the, love the sinner, hate sin position. They don’t want to be thought of as judgmental or hateful. Like most humans and dogs, they want to be liked by everyone.

But, trust me, when a Christian says, you are an abomination because _______________________, the person they are saying this to takes it personally. (and they should)

With these thoughts in mind, let me post a letter a former lesbian turned Christian wrote to women who are still lesbians. This letter can be found on John Piper’s, Desiring God website.

Jackie Hill, the ex-lesbian, now Jesus-loving heterosexual, wrote:

Dear ______,

I just want you to know that I understand.

I understand how it feels to be in love with a woman. To want nothing more than to be with her forever. Feeling as if the universe has played a cruel joke on your heart by allowing it to fall into the hands of a creature that looks just like you.

I too was a lesbian. I had same-sex attractions as early as five-years old. As I grew up, those feelings never subsided. They only grew. I would find myself having crushes on my female best friends, but I was far too ashamed to admit it to them — let alone to myself.

At the age of 17, I finally made the decision to pursue these desires. I entered into a relationship with a young lady who became my “first.” The first time we kissed, it felt extremely natural, as if this feeling is what I had been missing all along. After her came another woman and then another woman. Both relationships were very serious, each lasting over a year. I enjoyed these relationships and loved these women a lot. And it came to the point that I was willing to forsake all, including my soul, to enjoy their love on earth.

In October 2008, at the age of 19, my superficial reality was shaken up by a deeper love — one from the outside, one that I’d heard of before but never experienced. For the first time, I was convicted of my sin in a way that made me consider everything I loved (idolized), and its consequences. I looked at my life, and saw that I had been in love with everything except God, and these decisions would ultimately be the death of me, eternally. My eyes were opened, and I began to believe everything God says in his word. I began to believe that what he says about sin, death, and hell were completely true.

And amazingly, at the same time that the penalty of my sin became true to me, so did the preciousness of the cross. A vision of God’s Son crucified, bearing the wrath I deserved, and an empty tomb displaying his power over death — all things I had heard before without any interest had become the most glorious revelation of love imaginable.

After realizing all of what I would have to give up, I said to God, “I cannot let these things or people go on my own. I love them too much. But I know you are good and strong enough to help me.”

Now, at the age of 23, I can say with all honesty that God has done just that. He has helped me love him more than anything.

Now why did I just tell you about this? I gave you a glimpse of my story because I want you to understand that I understand. But I also want you to know that I also understand how it feels to be in love with the Creator of the universe. To want nothing more than to be with him forever. To feel his grace, the best news ever announced to mankind. To see his forgiveness, that he would take such a wicked heart into his hands of mercy.

But with that in mind, we’re in a culture where stories like mine either seem impossible or hilarious, depending on the audience. Homosexuality is everywhere — from music, to TV, even sports. If you’d believe all that society had to say about homosexuality, you’d come to the conclusion that it is completely normal, even somewhat admirable. But that is far from the truth. God tells us that homosexuality is sinful, abominable, and unnatural (Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:18–32; 1 Corinthians 6:9–11; 1 Timothy 1:8–10). But if I were to be honest, sometimes homosexual attractions can seem natural to me.

I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this may be your dilemma as well. You see what God has to say about homosexuality, but your heart doesn’t utter the same sentiments. God’s word says it’s sinful; your heart says it feels right. God’s word says it’s abominable; your heart says it’s delightful. God’s word says it’s unnatural; your heart says it’s totally normal. Do you see that there is a clear divide between what God’s word says and how your heart feels?

So which voice should you believe?

There was a time in my walk with Christ where I experienced a lot of temptation about falling back into lesbianism. These temptations caused me to doubt God’s word. My temptations and desires began to become more real to me than the truth of the Bible. As I was praying and meditating on these things, God put this impression on my heart: “Jackie, you have to believe that my word is true even if it contradicts how you feel.” Wow! This is right. Either I trust in his word or I trust my own feelings. Either I look to him for the pleasure my soul craves or I search for it in lesser things. Either I walk in obedience to what he says or I reject his truth as if it were a lie.

The struggle with homosexuality is a battle of faith. Is God my joy? Is he good enough? Or am I still looking to broken cisterns to quench a thirst only he can satisfy? That is the battle. It is for me, and it is for you.

The choice is yours, my friend. I pray you put your faith in Christ and flee from the lies of our society that coincide with the voices of your heart — a heart that Scripture says is wicked and deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). Run to Jesus instead.

You were made for him (Romans 11:36). He is ultimately all that you need! He is good and wise (Psalm 145:9). He is the source of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3). He is kind and patient (2 Peter 3:9). He is righteous and faithful (Psalm 33:4). He is holy and just (1 John 1:9). He is our true King (Psalm 47:7). He is our Savior (Jude 1:25). And he is inviting you to be not just his servant, but also his friend. If lasting love is what you’re looking for anywhere else, you are chasing the wind, seeking what you will never find, slowly being destroyed by your pursuit.

But in Jesus, there is fullness of joy. In Jesus, there is a relationship worth everything, because he is everything. Run to him.

So what do you think of Hill’s letter? Please leave your pithy observations in the comment section.

How to Talk to Your Child About Atheism

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The Undercover Atheist asked:

How do you talk to children about atheism?

I want to answer this question from two different perspectives. First, I want to answer it from the perspective of talking to a young child about atheism. Second, I want to answer it from the perspective of talking to an adult child about atheism.

When it comes to a young child, I am not sure you need to specifically talk to them about atheism. If you are an atheist and your child was never exposed to religion, then there is no need to talk to them about atheism.

Atheism is the natural state of ALL human beings. No one is born with an understanding of God. Knowledge of God, knowledge of religion must be taught to a child in order for them to have any inkling that there is a God or that there is a family/cultural religion.

Contrary to what Christians will tell you, there is no innate, natural understanding that God exists. As any sociologist will tell you, religious belief is learned from family and culture. Any suggestion otherwise is a denial of the facts.

Here is what I would talk to a young child about. Atheism is not a worldview per se. Most atheists develop their worldview on a foundation of atheism, but it is not all there is to their worldview. What your worldview is determines what you will teach your child.

Many atheists are humanists and it is appropriate for parents to teach their child humanistic ideals. It is also important to teach them to think rationally and critically.

In teaching them to think rationally and critically, exposing them to religion is very important. I am not talking about taking them to church or letting Grandma take them to church.  Churches tend to proselytize and I would not put a child in a situation where they could be proselytized.

I would, however, expose them to the various religions of the world.  Understanding religion is an important part of a child’s training. They need to understand how and why most people believe in a god of some sort. They need to be shown the similarities between the various religions and they need to learn how religion developed down through the history of the human race.

Will this kind of exposure and teaching keep a child from believing in God later in life? No. However, if they have learned critical thinking skills they will be choosing a religion with their eyes wide open. Most likely, they will not choose a religion at all, since their parents modeled a good life without God to them. Again, family and culture matter.

Things become more complicated when it comes to a child who was raised for a time in a religious household.  When the family stops going to church, the child is going to have questions. If only one of their parents stop going to church, they are going to wonder why their Mom still goes to church but Dad doesn’t. This is complicated further if the church-going parent thinks morality comes from religion and that being moral requires going to church to be instructed in morality.

The first thing  I would do is wait. Perhaps the child will lose interest in going to church and this will make things a lot easier. A child, when given the choice to get up early and go to church or to sleep in and play when they get up, will most likely choose the latter.

This is why many churches use enticements to attract a child to church. They do fun stuff, things that naturally appeal to a child. This is a classic illustration of bait and switch. Draw the child in with fun, food, and fellowship and then expose them to God.

The longer a child goes to church the harder it is on them when their parents stop attending church. This is especially true when the child becomes a teenager. As anyone who has raised a teenager knows, teenagers go through a time where they want to be free of their parents. They have their “own” friends, their “own” life.  If they were  raised in church it is likely that they have friends at church, and even if their parents stop going to church, they will likely want to continue to attend.

A parent must tread carefully with a teenager. To take a hard line stand against them going to church might actually push them into the welcoming arms of the church. I think the best that parents can do is let their teenager know why they are atheists, why they no longer attend church. I think it would also help to expose them to books and people that will gently challenge their religious beliefs. Remember, their religious beliefs are not their own. They learned them from you and the church. (and this is why many adults when finally give the opportunity to choose a religion for themselves choose a different religion or no religion at all)

Now, let me address talking to adult children about atheism. I have first hand experience with this, so let me share what I have done with my own children.

The first thing NOT to do is become an evangelist for atheism. It is unlikely that  adult children will respond well to preaching at them. (I am basing what I am saying here on a person who was once religious and who then at some point deconverted and embraced atheism)

It is important to understand that the process a person goes through to become an atheist is the same process adult children must go through too. It takes time, and far too often we want our adult children to immediately embrace what we now believe, not unlike when a person gets saved and they want everyone to get saved.

It is important to be patient. The first thing I did when I became an atheist was to let my wife and children know that I was setting them free. I was no longer going to be the religious patriarch of the family. Each of them would have to find their own path. Each of them would have to answer the God question for themselves.

I am sure this was a difficult time for my children. Some of them, were already on a journey of discovery and were in the process of moving away from the family religion. (Evangelicalism)  When you are used to your pastor father being the spiritual head and leader of the home, it is hard to imagine him not being that any longer.

Now this does not mean we no longer talk about the Bible, religion, or my atheism. I have had countless discussions with my children about these various things. My daughter-in-laws however, have not been willing to talk to me about these things. I think they are afraid of getting into a discussion with me since I know so much about religion and the Bible. They fear I will ask questions that they will have no answer for.

Perhaps they don’t understand yet that I have no desire to convert them to atheism or any other ism for that matter.  What I want for all of my children is happiness and peace. While I may not believe in God, and their Mother may not believe in God, this doesn’t mean that we look down on them or think of them as inferior if they believe in God.

My goal is to foster an open relationship with my children. No question is off limits. However, my children know that if they ask me a question I am going to answer them. It is not fair to ask me a question and then get upset when I give an answer they don’t like or don’t want to hear.

Instead of attacking religion, I try to model the humanistic ideal to my children and my wife does the same. I want them to see that a person can be a decent, good, moral, and ethical person without God, without the Bible.  This is not unlike what the Bible says about letting your light shine before people so they will see your good works.

I have bookshelves full of books. My children are free to borrow books from me as long as they return them. (hint hint, to my children reading this) Smile  I want them to use reason and critical thinking skills to carefully examine not only their religious beliefs but religion in general. Of course, I can’t force them to do this. As any parent knows, you can’t force an adult child to do anything. They are ADULTS and should be left free to pursue their own path  in life, even if  it is a religious path.

Now, my children are able to know what I think about religion and the various religious beliefs people have because I am a public writer. Many of my children read this blog so they have a window into how I think and believe. This can be good and bad. Good, because they can read for themselves what I think and believe, and bad because reading my writing might stifle the face-to-face interaction I would love to have with them.

One of the hardest things for an atheist parent is to watch their child follow a religious path. We are tempted to ask, why can’t they see that there is no god? Why can’t they understand things like I do?  You know the mental discussions we have…why can’t they just follow the evidence?

Far more important than our child becoming an atheist is that they learn to think critically. Now, we might think, well if they think critically they will become an atheist. Perhaps, but we must let them have the freedom to pursue their own path in life, and that means risking them coming to different conclusions than we have about God and religion.

But Bruce, Don’t Women CHOOSE to Stay in Fundamentalism?

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submission_umbrellas

It’s not that simple.

We all tend to think it is just a matter of choice or an act of the will when we see people enmeshed in Fundamentalist religions or bizarre ideologies that we have no personal experience with.

Imagine being told as a child, a teenager, a young adult, and as a grown woman:

  • God expects you to follow the divine order he has ordained  for women and the home.
  • God expects you to marry, bear children, and keep the home.
  • That you should not aspire to higher education since it would be wasted on you as a keeper of the home.
  • That you should keep silent in the church and let the men do the thinking.
  • That the only jobs in the church for you are singing in the choir, playing the piano, watching the nursery, serving the fellowship dinner or cleaning the church.
  • That you should totally submit to your husband since he is the God ordained authority in the home.
  • That before you make any decision you should consult your husband and bet his advice and approval

authoritarian_manImagine being told this year in and year out by your parents, Sunday School teacher, Youth Director, and pastor. Imagine being allowed to go off to college, but only because your parents want you to find a good Christian boy to marry.  Imagine joining a horde of young women at college who all have one goal, snagging a man and getting an MRS degree.

Imagine being told that failure to obey God’s commands and failure to follow his divine order for the home will result in God’s judgment. Imagine a young woman lying in bed at night daring to dream of a life beyond the strictures of her parent’s Fundamentalist religion, only to have thoughts of her Preacher’s sermons about God killing people for being disobedient.

Living in such an environment causes teenage girls and women to lose any sense of self-esteem. They think, I am destined to be a maid, a baby hatchery, or slave.  But, I want to be a doctor, a scientist, or dancer. But, I can’t because God, the pastor, the church, and my parents will be displeased with me.

You see, fear of God and those in authority over her  is what keeps her from leaving.  Her whole life everyone she trusts, respects, and looks up to has told her that God hates sin and those who do it. She fears not only disappointing her parents but disappointing God. No one wants God mad at them, right?  Perhaps some of the women who were raised in the Fundamentalist church will share their experiences and reinforce what I have written here.

My counselor and I talked about this very thing today. This past Sunday was Mother’s Day and Polly got the annual guilt trip from her Mother, Please come to Church with me. It’s Mother’s Day.

Polly’s answer was a short, sweet NO! I told Dr. Deal that in many ways Polly is more anti-church/religion than I am. Why? Because her past experiences are very different from mine.

While I was the exalted pastor,revered by many,  she was just the pastor’s wife. She was the religious version of the blockbuster Baseball trade where a team trades for an all-star players and throws in an no-name player to sweeten the deal. Polly was the no-name player.

She spent much of her adult life in a home and marriage that was dominated patriarchal thinking.  She was forty-six years old before she wore her first pair of pants. She spent much or her married life serving others, rarely making a decision. Over time she lost her self-identity as it was swallowed up by her husband’s identity. (who then lost his self identity as it was swallowed up by the church)

So here we are in 2013. Polly is still quite conservative in many ways, but she has the freedom to be whoever and whatever she wants to be. She was promoted at work a few years ago, a promotion she earned, a promotion that was based on her work and not her husbands. She started taking classes at the local Community College and she graduated last year. Again, she did this in her own right. By her own hard word she earned a degree.

Polly now has the freedom to dress however she wants. She asks, as she puts on a top that shows a bit of cleavage, does is look OK?  I think you can guess what my answer was.  Smile  She is free to watch what she wants on TV and read smutty novels if she chooses.

What she has is her own life. She has freedom. So, when her mother says, do you want to go to church with me, all Polly hears is, do you want to go back to the slavery and bondage of Fundamentalism? As Polly told me, HELL NO!

I have no doubt Polly had to a lot of fear to overcome. Even when a person stops believing, there is a hangover effect. How can there not be? When you have this kind of junk drilled into your head year after year for forty years, it is hard to shake.

Polly went to Midwestern Baptist College to get an MRS degree. She believed God called her to be a Pastor’s wife. Well, she got what she went looking for, and for many years we both played our respective parts in God’s divine plan.

But, now we are free and we have no intentions of going back…ever!  Why we would we ever want to trade the freedom we now have for the bondage Fundamentalism offers?  Fundamentalists try to use threats of judgment and hell to get us to repent but we are immune to such things.

You see, we learned, from the Bible no less, that perfect love casteth out all fear, and we have found perfect love, not in God, a Church or the Bible, but in each other. We have found a love for self, each other, and our family that is freer and sweeter than anything Fundamentalism could ever offer.

I hope readers, especially Fundamentalist female readers, will find encouragement from this post.  I want them to know I understand their fear. I also want them to know that they can be free from the self-killing tentacles of Fundamentalism. My dear wife broke free and many of the former-Fundamentalist women who read this blog have  done the same. Perhaps some of them will share their story.

Jack Schaap and First Baptist of Hammond Sued By Girl Schaap Victimized

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This entry is part 16 of 17 in the seriesJack Hyles and Jack Schaap

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The Chicago Heights Patch reports:

A former megachurch preacher from Crete who carried on a sexual relationship with a teenage member of his congregation was sued in Will County court.

Jack Schaap, 55, sentenced to 12 years in federal prison in March after pleading guilty to a single count of transporting a minor with the intent to engage in criminal sexual activity, is in custody at the Metropolitan Correctional Center in Chicago.

The lawsuit against Schaap was filed by the parents of the teen he had carried on with sexually in June and July. The lawsuit identifies the parents as “John Doe and Mary Doe,” and the teen as “Jane Doe.” The suit gives Jane Doe’s date of birth as June 27, 1995.

Schaap, the former pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, in northwest Indiana, first met the girl when she was referred to him for behavior problems in April 2012 the suit said. The girl was a 16-year-old student at Hammond Baptist High School, and the administrator there informed Schaap she was troubled but had a “very tender heart” and was still “very teachable and moldable” and “willing to trust her leaders,” the suit said.

The girl continued her studies at Schaap’s offices and was required to undergo counseling with him “for her so-called problems,” the suit said. The suit accuses Schaap of “preying on the vulnerability of Jane Doe” during counseling sessions, and devising “means and methods to spend more time with” her, as well as “encouraging her to view him not just as her pastor, but also her friend, and eventually, as a love-interest.”

In June, the suit said, Schaap allegedly had his secretary, Jean McCollam, drive the teen to a forest preserve in Will County for an “intense counseling session,” during which he had sex with her. Schaap then took the teen from the forest preserve to his home in Crete, where he again had sex with her, the suit said.

Less than a month later, the teen, McCollam and her teenage daughter allegedly traveled to Michigan for a “girls’ time out.” But Schaap met them at the border and took Jane Doe to his Michigan cabin, the suit said, where they again had sex.

Schaap also “repeatedly” had sex with Jane Doe in his church office during a three-day youth conference, the suit said.

The lawsuit also names the First Baptist Church of Hammond as a defendant.

Besides having sex with the girl, Schaap gave her a card on her 17th birthday, the lawsuit said. Schaap allegedly wrote in the card:

“I can’t get you out of mind. I keep thinking about how much I enjoy talking with you, how great you look when you smile, and how much I like your laugh. I daydream about you off and on all day, replaying pieces of our conversation … laughing again about funny things you said or did. I’ve memorized your face and the way you look at me … it melts my heart every time I think about it. And I catch myself smiling when I imagine what will happen the next time we’re together. You must be really special, because I can’t remember the last time I felt so strongly about someone. Even though neither of us knows what the future holds, I know one thing for sure—you’re one of the best things that’s happened to me in a long time.”

Calls to the law firm representing the teen’s parents went unreturned. The spokesman for the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Eddie Wilson, also failed to return calls for comment.

No commentary from me. Since I have written a good bit on this story, I thought readers would want to know about the lawsuit. Personally, I hope the girl sues the ass off of Schaap and the church. Like with the Catholic Church, the only was to teach the IFB church movement a lesson is to imprison the abusers and perverts and financially penalize the churches for allowing a culture that is conducive to abuse and manipulation.

Domestic Violence in the IFB Church Movement

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domestic_violence

First, let me give readers the definition for domestic violence. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines domestic violence as:

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

Does the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist (IFB) church movement have a domestic abuse problem? The short answer is Yes!

The IFB church movement is built on a foundation of emotional and mental manipulation and abuse. We see this in how parents discipline their children and how husbands lord over and control their wives. These behaviors are often modeled by IFB pastors, deacons, and church leaders, as they manipulate, control, and dominate church members.

I know IFB readers are howling, and, perhaps, even cursing, over what I have written here. How dare I suggest that the IFB church movement has an abuse problem. How dare I suggest IFB pastors and church leaders emotionally and mentally manipulate and control people. Child abuse? Domestic violence? Where do such things happen, says the IFB church member. I have never seen it.

emotional_abuse_2And therein lies the problem. The abuse and violence is institutionalized to such a degree that it is considered normal.  People are so used to seeing it that they never consider whether such behavior is appropriate.

IFB church members are used to having their “toes stepped on.” They are used to fire and brimstone, naming names, calling sin sin, sermons. They are used to aggressive behavior from their pastor. It seems quite normal to them.

Those of us who were raised in the IFB church movement understand this. It took us getting away from it to see how manipulate and abusive it was. The waiting rooms of mental health professionals are crowded with people whose mental wellness and self-esteem were ruined by Fundamentalist religion.

For those of us who spent decades in the IFB church, we know that the deep mental and emotional scars left by our time in the IFB church never go away. We learn to come to terms with our past and try to do the best we can going forward. We are marred, even broken, yet, somehow, we find a way to pick up and move forward.

This is why some of us speak so openly about the IFB church movement and its manipulative and abusive tendencies. We don’t want ANYONE to experience what we experienced. When we see someone gravitating towards Fundamentalism we try to warn them like we would warn a person who is driving towards a cliff. Stop! Turn around! But, many don’t…and they often pay a heavy emotional and mental price and some pay a heavy physical price.

Domestic violence in the IFB church movement is widespread. Unfortunately, it is often not seen as domestic violence by those who are in the IFB church movement. Instead, domestic violence is often seen as being true to the Bible or being a faithful follower of Jesus.

To understand domestic violence in the IFB church movement we must first understand the theological underpinnings of the violence. Domestic violence often happens because husbands (it is almost always husbands who perpetrate the domestic violence in the IFB church) want to be obedient to the Bible,  Jesus, and the pastor’s dictates. Remember, in the IFB church, the voice of God sounds an awful lot like the voice of the Pastor.

Here is what many IFB pastors preach to their church members:

  • Christ is the head of the church and the pastor is God’s man in the church.
  • The Bible is an inerrant, inspired text that should be literally interpreted and explicitly obeyed.
  • The husband is the head of home.
  • The wife is to to submit to her husband.
  • The highest calling for a woman is to bear children and be a keeper of the home. Many IFB pastors discourage women from working outside the home and discourage women from getting a college education. (unless they go to college to get an MRS degree)
  • The husband is the authority, the disciplinarian, and the king of the home. God holds him, like he did Adam, responsible for everything that goes on in the home.
  • The Bible sanctions using violence when children disobey. To not spank or whip them means the parent is not willing to obey the teachings of the Pastor and the Bible. The rod of correction is meant to be used to drive the wickedness out of a child’s heart.

Now none of these things, in and of themselves, necessarily lead to domestic abuse. However, add to this the IFB church preoccupation with sin and their portrayal of God as a violent deity who will whip them if they disobey, you have a recipe for not only domestic abuse but also child abuse.

I have watched more than a few IFB church members and pastors beat the hell out their children with a belt, switch, or paddle. I remember hearing of one parent who picked up a 2×4 and beat his two teenage girls with it. Why? They deliberately disobeyed him by riding the church bus home instead of going home with him.

I have admitted my own violent, abusive methods of correcting my three oldest children. (fortunately I abandoned these practices with my three youngest children) My oldest sons routinely got thrashed for disobeying their mother or I. I corrected them this way because I thought that is what God wanted me to do. The books I read said this was the proper way to discipline children, and every big name preacher I heard preach said I was doing right by my kids when I whipped them.

Is it any surprise then…with Bible-sanctioned violence against children and a violent God who uses violence to chastise disobedient IFB church members, that violent behavior spills over into the relationship between the husband and his submissive wife?

I can’t say that I know of very many instances where a husband physically beat his wife. It happened, but not very often. I know of a few pastor’s wives who were physically abused by their pastor husband. The pastor was the man of God in the pulpit, but at home he was a violent, disciplinarian who ruled over his wife and children with a rod of iron.

Most of the abuse I saw was more of the mental and emotional type. If the woman wasn’t submissive enough or didn’t put out sexually, she would hear about it. If she dared to have ambition, want to work outside the home, or go to college, she would be put in her place and reminded of God’s divine order for the home.

I have often said, I don’t know how ANY woman stays in the IFB church. Well, I do know. Women are afraid. They fear disobeying God, their husband, and their pastor. They fear God will chastise them if they dare step outside the role God has ordained for them.  And so they stay and suffer the abuse.

Again, theology plays a big part in this. Many IFB pastors think that there are no grounds for divorce or that there is only one ground for divorce, adultery. Having  a husband that is abusive, especially if it is emotional or mental abuse, is not grounds for divorce.

Let me give an illustration of how this is perpetuated from the pulpit:

Years ago the church I was pastoring joined together with other  IFB churches to hold a joint revival meeting. The speaker was Bill Rice III. (I am almost certain it was Bill Rice but it could have been Pete Rice) (associated with the Bill Rice Ranch) One night Bill Rice preached on  the subject of marriage and divorce. Rice did not believe there were any grounds for divorce. He said that even if a husband was beating on his wife, the wife should stay in the marriage. Perhaps she would win her husband to Jesus by her willingness to stay in the marriage. (and intimated that saved husbands don’t beat their wives)

By the time of this meeting my views had already begun to change and I pulled our church out of the meetings. I was incensed that Rice was advocating a woman endure her husband beating on her, implying that God wanted her to do so.

As my wife and I moved beyond the IFB church movement, we had to relearn what it meant to have a healthy marital and family relationship. Ultimately, it took getting away from Christianity altogether for us to find wholeness.

I am not suggesting that every husband in the IFB church movement is abusive or that every father abuses his children when he disciplines them. I am suggesting that IFB theology encourages manipulation, violence and abuse, especially of the mental and emotional variety.

Personally, I don’t think the IFB church movement is good for anyone. The extreme Fundamentalism found in the movement is emotionally and mentally harmful and people are better off finding other Christians sects to be a part of; sects that don’t view women as being inferior and don’t see children as chattel. I am of the opinion that the best thing that can happen is the IFB church movement dies a quick death. (It is dying but it is dying slowly. I am all for smothering the movement in its bed)

Over the years, I have watched a number of women break free from domestic violence. They decided their own personal self-worth and happiness was more important than obedience to God, the Bible, the pastor, and their husband. Most often, gaining their freedom required them divorcing their husband.

Let me head off someone who might suggest that the reason there is domestic abuse and child abuse in the IFB church movement is because they misinterpret the Bible, I don’t think this is the case at all.

I think they are being consistent with their beliefs and they accept the Bible as written. After all, the Bible does command a father to beat his children with a rod. The Bible does command the wife to be submissive to her husband and to be a keeper of the home. And let’s face it, the Bible is a written record of the violence God pours out and will yet pour out on all those who do not worship or obey him.

The good news is, many Christians ignore or explain away vast parts of the Bible. They know beating kids is wrong. They know demanding a wife submit to her husband and only aspire to be a keeper of the home and having children is demeaning . They wisely reject such things.

Do you have a story to tell about domestic violence? What did you experience growing up in the IFB church? What went on in your IFB home when the doors were closed? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.