This is the one hundred and forty-sixth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Baptize Me from The Book of Mormon.
Lyrics
ELDER MCKINLEY:
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Well, then, would you like to baptize me?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Pbbbt, sure, yea, that’d be great
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, let’s do it
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
What you mean…now?
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Why not?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, to be honest, I’ve never done it before
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
That’s okay, neither have I
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Yes, that’s true
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Do you know…how to baptize someone into the church?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Sure, that’s something that we study over and over again at Mission Control Center
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Then please, Elder Cunningham, I want to be baptized. I swear to dedicate my life to the church
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Huh, okay, I just need a second to get ready
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, I will get ready, too
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m about to do it for the first time
And I’m gonna do it with a girl!
A special girl
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Makes my eyes kind of blur
I can’t believe I’m about
To baptize her
[NABULUNGI]
He will baptize me
He will hold me in his arms
And he will baptize me
Right in front of everyone
And it will set me free
When he looks into my eyes
And he sees just how much
I love being baptized
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize her
[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
Bathe her in God’s glory!
And I will baptize her
[NABULUNGI]
I’m ready
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
With everything I got
And I’ll make her beg for more
[NABULUNGI]
Oooh
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
As I wash her free of sin
And it’ll be so good
She’ll want me to
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM and NABULUNGI]
Baptize her/me again
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Excuse me, I’m gonna need another minute!
[NABULUNGI]
Never known a boy so gentle
One like him is hard to find
A special kind
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Like a moth in a cocoon
I hope he gets to baptizing me soon!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize you
I’m through with all my stalling
[NABULUNGI]
You’re gonna baptize me
I’m ready to let you do it
[BOTH]
And it will set us free
It’s time to be immersed
And I’m so happy you’re
About to be my first
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Okay, you ready?
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
I am ready. So… how do we do it?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, I hold you like this –
[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
And I lower you down –
[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM:]
And then I –
(Splash)
I just baptized her!
She got doused by Heavenly Father!
I just baptized her good!
[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I performed like a champ!
[NABULUNGI]
I’m wet with salvation!
[BOTH]
We just went all the way!
Praise be to God
I’ll never forget this day
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I baptized you!
[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I gotcha good!
[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
You want it more, baby?
[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!
(spoken)
I’ll text you later
