Evangelical preachers are a lot like Mary Kay consultants.
Rosa is a Mary Kay consultant. Thanks to showing her family, friends, neighbors, and fellow church members the Mary Kay way of salvation, Rosa has made lots of money and proudly drives a special Mary Kay pink Cadillac.
Now that Rosa has won everyone she knows over to the one true cosmetic faith, she has decided to take her wrinkle-saving show on the road. According to the Mary Kay home office (also known as Heaven), Rosa is the first consultant to go out into the highways and byways and compel strangers to put their faith in May Kay cosmetics. What follows is a transcript of one of Rosa’s sales calls.
Rosa parks her pink Cadillac several blocks away, not wanting to give away the fact that a Mary Kay evangelizer is in town. Smartly dressed, Rosa gets out of her car and walks to a park she noticed while she was casing the neighborhood. Rosa saw lots of young women that she was sure would accept Mary Kay as their facial savior. All she had to do was tell them the good news of Mary Kay.
As Rosa enters the park, she notices a woman sitting by herself near the swing sets.
Rosa: Hi! How ya doing today?
Woman: Uh . . . Hi. I’m fine.
Rosa: Beautiful day, isn’t it?
Woman: Yes, it is.
Rosa: Do you mind if I sit with you for a bit?
Woman: Uh . . . sure.
Rosa: My name is Rosa. What is yours?
Woman: Barb.
Rosa: Really? Why my grandmother’s name was Barb. Isn’t that a coincidence?
Barb says nothing
Rosa: Anyway, are you married? Do you have children?
At this point, Barb is wondering whether Rosa is a lesbian trolling for a date or a serial killer.
Barb: I’m married, but I don’t have any children.
Rosa: Well, I’ve been married for 40 years, and I have two wonderful children and five grandchildren. I just know that you too will someday have children.
Barb is thinking, no I won’t bitch. I had a hysterectomy last year.
Barb, taught by her mother to be polite, smiles and says nothing.
Rosa: You seem like a nice person, Barb. I am really glad that we could meet. I really should be going, but I would like to share something with you before I go. Is that okay?
Before Barb can say a word. . .
Rosa: Barb, I notice that you wear makeup. Where do you buy your makeup?
Barb: Walmart or Dollar General.
Rosa: I see. Well . . . those are “okay” places to buy makeup, but I know of a company that sells the best beauty products. And once women use this makeup, why they never go back to using their old stuff. Would you like me to share with you how you can know for certain that you are wearing the best makeup?
Before Barb can say a word . . .
Rosa: Let me tell you about Mary Kay, the face savior of the World.
The above sales technique: befriending people so they will let down their guard, is often used by Evangelicals to evangelize those they deem unsaved. Never forget that Evangelicals who use this technique really don’t want to be your friend. Their goal is to get you to buy their product: salvation.
And if you do buy salvation? Just remember that there is no warranty on the product unless you each week go to the warranty validation office: the church. If you get your salvation warranty validated weekly, you will certainly have a lot of friends: fellow salvation purchasers. However, if your salvation ever becomes defective and you decide to try another product, you will quickly find that all the friends you thought you had were just your friends because you had the same kind of salvation as they did.
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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We’d like to tell you about cheeses… (very clever)
I laughed for a moment and then my mind was suddenly back at the front door of my place years ago, and I was opening it to a woman probably in her thirties, late thirties or so and a young pre-adolescent girl. I immediately knew that they were religious because of the conservative clothing and hands held together in front, a presentation stance.
If the adult had been alone, I would have very quickly and politely dispatched her so I could get back to my work but because the child was there, I was taken aback and felt immediately protective of her and very very sad in my heart.
“Sir,” this young girl recited, “we knocked on your door today to bring you the good news! The world is coming to an end…. etc.”
It was so pathetic and I was unable to tell her mother off because I knew that somehow the little kid would end up being blamed and harmed for it. Fucking Christian wacko abusers marching their children around like Jesus soldiers, knocking on strangers doors and spouting memory work.
But aside from that unpleasantness, Bruce: I think you are very confused. I wan to tell you about the real cheeses.
okay, Bruce, make me spit my coffee. Oh Mary Kay, the bane of the late 80s and still.
I must have missed this the first time around.
I remember the Mary Kay days. I bought some makeup at a party once and wore it a few times. The thing is, I never wore make-up so when I showed up at the local arena with make-up on the first person I saw said: Zoe you have on make-up!? Oddly, I never knew really whether that was a compliment. 😀
Suffice it to say, the old make-up routine went by the wayside.
Same story re: my former faith.
Brian, your story reminds me of the years I opened my door to the local JW’s I actually used the opportunity to evangelize them and point out the history of their belief-system. Often they had a young child with them. Going forward, if I ever have the opportunity again I might consider leaning down to eye-level with the child, and tell him/her (was almost always a him) that one day he may change his/her mind about what he believes and to know that it is okay to change your mind or chose his/her own beliefs.
I can guarantee with this approach, the adults won’t come knocking on my door again and maybe just maybe that young child will remember the incident and apply it wisely to his/her own path one day.
Re: JWs and children. I saw on an atheist blog that a commenter said he always said to JWs, ‘Wrong house, no children here for your leaders to abuse and cover up.’ I wanted to try this, i had to wait 10months but then they came. I said ‘Wrong house, no kids here.’ The JW replied ‘Oh the bible’s not just for children.’ So I said she should go home and google abuse by her leaders. She looked shocked and replied, ‘We’d never do anything like that.’ I said I could never join any organisation that harmed children in any way and recommended some simple internet research to her again. She backed off, her buddy having said nothing, I swear she was open mouthed as she went backwards down my front steps trying to keep her balance. If we ever get out of Covid and they start door to door again and have a child with them, I’ll address the child directly, like you say and tell them where help is available if they are ever abused by an adult in their church.
I would have ended the conversation like this:
Rosa: Hi! How ya doing today?
Charles: Leave….now git!!!
I think the best thing to tell a child taken soul winning might be “Always remember, if a grown-up tells you to keep a secret, it’s very likely that adult is up to no good! Grown-ups shouldn’t be sharing secrets with children!” If the child is a little older you can add that secrets about happy surprises, or things that can be revealed after a certain point may be ok. But if the secret is about hurting someone it’s no bueno! The beauty of this is contradicting it will be very uncomfortable for most caring adults. Further, adults covering abuse will have a very hard time explaining to the child!
Any pastor that tolerates Mary Kay isn’t taking proper care of congregants. 99% loose money in MLMs and the 1% who don’t are scammers and thieves!
In the past I did Mary Kay and Amway. There is a heavy reliance on the Christian conservative capitalist god. My nutty extremist friend still “sells” Amway, as in, goes to meetings religiously to get good feels.
Captain Cassady over at Roll to Disbelieve says that the product is not merely salvation, but (tithe-paying) membership in the evangelist’s church.
That’s the ultimate goal: asses in the seats, wallets in hand.
I went through two evangelism training programs. Evangelism Explosion (EE) and FAITH. The first target audience was those who had visited your church. I forget the second target audience. The third was public at large, and we were taught to go to laundromats, because you had a captive audience. We had survey questions that started innocuous but ended with “in your opinion what does it take for a person to go to heaven?” and then, unless they nailed the answer, “would you like to hear how the Bible answers this question?”
Thank you, Rock Whisperer, for that info on Captain Cassady, and Roll to Disbelieve. That comical Church Mice thing is so cute ! There is something in USA TODAY about militant Christianity used as a weapon against democracy, you all may want to look that up tonight.
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