Our vacation came to an abrupt end on Monday. We are back home, sweltering with the rest of you.
As some of you know, I have gastroparesis—an incurable stomach disease (constant nausea, frequent bouts of vomiting, severe bowel problems). I also have fibromyalgia and live with unrelenting pain in my spine and neck from arthritis, degenerative disease, and numerous herniated discs. I knew taking a trip anywhere was going to be a challenge, but I took the “fuck it, you only live once” approach. Polly doubted I was up to the trip, but she knows not to push back when I’m hellbent on doing what I want. Little did she know how bad it would be.
While it was pain and nausea that brought me home, I must confess I had, for a variety reasons, a mental meltdown.
I have OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder). I like and need order. I’ve always been this way. Living with me can be a challenge, but Polly and I have found a way to make peace with each other’s shortcomings and phobias. We will soon be married for forty-four years, so I guess we’ve figured a few things out. 😂❤️
In our forty-four years of marriage, we have stayed in the homes of people not family five times. That’s it. I have a hard time staying or sleeping in any home but my own. We rented a VRBO property for our vacation. I thought, “Bruce, you can do this.” Boy, was I wrong. The place was not clean. I got a total of three hours sleep over two days. The house had a chemical smell from the improper cleaning of the floors. The floors had a film on them, so much so that walking on them left footprints. These things, among others, pushed me over the edge mentally (and I’ve been on the edge for awhile).
One of the reasons we vacationed in southeast Ohio was so we could retrace the sixteen years we lived there in the 80s and 90s. I pastored two churches, one in Buckeye Lake, another in Somerset. I grossly underestimated how doing so would psychologically affect me. I couldn’t help but think about the sacrifices I made serving a lie; how my commitment to the ministry harmed Polly and our children; how I sacrificed our economic well-being, believing God would provide; how I worked myself to death in God’s vineyard, causing me physical and emotional harm; how Polly never had an opportunity to be anyone other than the Preacher’s wife; how my children became extensions of my work and ambition.
If this is TMI for you, I understand. I’m human, and right now I’m broken. I’m grateful that I scheduled a therapy session before I left. I need it — badly. Don’t let anyone tell you certain expressions of religious faith can’t cause harm. They can, and for me anyway, I will spend my remaining days trying to come to terms with my Fundamentalist past and the harm it caused, hoping to somehow make an uneasy peace with the past.
Hi there Bruce, I’ll admit I do not often read blogs but yours caught my eye during an extensive Google search into an individual I used to know, Roshad Thomas. I’m not sure you’ll recognize the name given his case was years ago and you clearly stay busy documenting and discussing the like-minded sick and twisted individuals of his sort. At any rate I did know him personally and his sudden disappearance from my life was confusing and terrifying as I was roughly 16 years old at the time (22 y/o this month). To me he was a pastor, mentor, youth-group leader and even counselor throughout the few years that I knew him. From a first hand account- he was incredibly charismatic, inspirational and trustworthy. The best way to put it was simply “everyone loved Roshad”. I won’t delve into sharing my full experience and there need not be any concern that I, myself am among the victims. I just felt it necessary to thank you for speaking on this specific matter- reading unbiased, tone deaf reports on a convicted sexual predator and pedophile through local news sources time and again has been dreadful. After further sifting through your blog I found myself impressed and at ease with the idea that there are in fact morally sound individuals among your generation, as such examples of our former President and many personal experiences here in the South had lead me to believe otherwise. I’m aware this comment isn’t necessarily in line with the subject matter of the post is attached to but I am hoping an exception to the comment rules (which I read up on) can be made. I’ll be following your works and posts closely (if my memory serves me well enough to) from here on out, as I find many of my own socio-political ideals align with your own. You also happen to be a bit of a “hometown-hero” to me haha, as I spent the former years of my youth in Lancaster, Ohio! These posts are much appreciated and I am already looking forward to learning more.
Bruce, I saw your comment on social media, and again, I am sorry you had to cut short your vacation. People think I am overreacting or being a jerk or whatever about religious trauma, but it is real. Glad you have a good therapist and an imminent appointment.
Russ, it’s good that you are searching for truth. As a parent of a 22 year old and a 20 year old, I understand why you feel that the older generations have failed you – we have. Some of us are fighting, but we need your help – yours and your friends.
Bruce—I am sorry you had to cut your vacation short. But you’re doing what you need to do. When we have trauma or simply deep regrets or bad memories, we can’t predict that something will “trigger”’ us.
Russ—Not everyone who reads this blog is an atheist or ex-fundamentalist. Although I am both, what keeps me coming back is that Bruce, and so many commenters, are truth-seekers—whether those truths are empirical or personal. Also, as someone who was sexually abused by a priest (I grew up Catholic before becoming an Evangelical), I appreciate Bruce’s “Black Collar Crime” series. Oh, and one reason I don’t watch or listen to news on the mainstream media is the coverage you aptly describe as “tone deaf.”
Obstacle—Whatever our trauma, we will be accused of “over-reacting” to it. And, it’s too easy for believers, or folks who simply have had happy experiences in their religious communities, not to see how some of us have been damaged by them. Some even refuse to believe that we have been assaulted, whether mentally or physically, by clergy members or other trusted members of their community. I know: I have “lurked “ on the Facebook page for alumni of my old Catholic school, which was attached to my old church. (The school closed about 15 years ago.) Though I was not identified by name, my accusation—and those of others—were branded as “lies.”
A lot of thoughts…
Bruce, I am so sorry. I think you are awesome and caring. Just take care of yourself. I’m glad you have Polly.
You take good care of you, Bruce. Glad you’ve got a therapy appointment coming up. Sorry you had to cut your vacation short. Yeah, physical health issues are rough and trauma is a bitch, but I’m glad you and Polly have each other and that you have a good therapist and many good friends too. Glad you’re back among us.
It’s easier said than done I know, but please try – if you can – not to be so hard on yourself Bruce. I’m pretty sure that your writings have provided genuine help, encouragement and reassurance to many, many people that might not otherwise have found it – and I am sure that you are not quite done yet. I am not belittling the damage that you feel was done by your career as a pastor, but most people never do the good that you have done since your ‘deconversion’ (even despite many good intentions). And many people do not get to make amends for mistakes they feel they have made in life – far less to the extent that you have done. I doubt that ‘making amends’ is the main motivation for your writings at all, but there’s no doubt that they could be viewed as going some way to doing that all the same.
I’ve stayed at some bad motels. One time there was a pile of clipped toenails on the night stand. Also they had sprayed Pledge on all the surfaces, but then I guess they forgot to wipe it off because every surface was slick with it. The owners were from India and the smell in the room was like Pledge mixed with the smell wafting in of the curry they were cooking. If there’s noise I can use earplugs to block it, but there’s no way to block smell.
Bad smells (sometimes toxic) from cleaning products, such as those disinfectants which are used in hotels and motels, can be a real problem. I have a sensitive nose and when I enter a motel room I can detect those things right away. It doesn’t help when you can’t open a window in a motel room, and then on top of that your room opens onto an enclosed hallway. And the poor cleaning staff, having to breathe in that crap in regularly! ☹️
I also wanted to second Davie – Bruce, don’t guilt yourself about the past. It’s dead, dead, dead. Stay here in the present and live with us. Be assured that you are doing great good now. It vastly outweighs whatever mistakes you made way back when.🙂❤️
Big (((HUGZ))) to you & Polly. I hope you were able to have a little fun anyhow. The live music looked like a good time. I can feel for you…it’s like you are doing your BEST to move forward & pick up the pieces of what is left of your life…then a trigger, and your mind goes to REGRET, hurt, & all kinds of feelings. I think I have not gone back to where the cult was that we escaped, even tho I have some good friends who still live there (NOT church/cult members- they all shunned us 🙁 ) I am afraid of the feelings that will overpower me if I make that trip..go to the places, where we lived..where the “church/cult” meets every Sunday. .I think I would be emotionally overwhelmed.. 🙁 You were a victim too…so many of us were victims of it..insidious religion. But Bruce, to your credit- you broke the religious curse and got free and help others in their walk of freedom out of the bonds of religion. So many people NEVER leave the bubble. I don’t understand this life…it does feel like the Upside Down at times..LOL. But please make no mistake, YOU make the world a BETTER PLACE! You are one of the few who didn’t just bury your head in the sand but FACED the reality of it all. THANK YOU SO MUCH for being YOU, for your integrity & please know that you are appreciated and loved!
I keep trying to say something.