An Open Letter to Chad Lawrence

All spelling and grammar in the original.

Dear Chad,

You stopped by the Life and Times of Bruce Gerencser yesterday to share your “testimony,” to tell me how much you “love” me, to beg me to pray a prayer, and then to offer up a prayer of your own for the atheist Bruce Gerencser. In doing so, you disrespected me and showed no regard for me as a person. All you saw was a man in need of your brand of Christian salvation.

Suppose you went to your mother’s house and she told you, “Chad, please take your shoes off at the door and hang your coat in the closet.” Would you respect her wishes? Or would you leave your shoes on and throw your coat on the floor? I suspect, as a good son, you would do as she asked.

When you clicked on the link for the CONTACT page, you were presented with a page that told you what kind of emails I was interested in receiving. I specifically said to you, Chad:

If you are an Evangelical Christian, please read Dear Evangelical before sending me an email. If you have a pathological need to evangelize, spread the love of Jesus, or put a good word in for the man, the myth, the legend named Jesus, please don’t. The same goes for telling me your church/pastor/Jesus is awesome. I am also not interested in reading sermonettes, testimonials, Bible verses, or your deconstruction/psychological evaluation of my life. By all means, if you feel the need to set me straight, start your own blog.

You chose to ignore my requests. You came into my house, left your shoes on, and threw your coat on the floor, showing no regard for me as a person. I subscribe to the rule, “when in Rome, do as the Romans do.” I have bowed my head at countless meals as Christians prayed to their deity. Not one time have I ever made a fuss about them praying to mythical beings. Why? I know it would be disrespectful if I did so.

You began your letter by saying that my story moved you to tears. You then feign syrupy, shallow Christian love for me. You wrote:

I’m a Christian and read your story and was moved to tears. I’m not here to condemn you but share my story with you want to hear it. If you dont feel free not to read past this point. But one thing I have to tell you; I dont know you and yet feel such love for you. My heart aches to hear the pain you endured in life. I truly understand pain; I wish I didn’t.

You say you are a Christian, and I accept your testimony at face value. Why could you have not done the same for me? Did you read any of my autobiographical material before deeming yourself sufficiently informed to weigh in on my life? You admit that you don’t know me, yet you say you have “such love for me.” You go on to say that your “heart aches to hear the pain I [have] endured in life.” Imagine if a stranger came up to you at Starbucks and said, ” I feel your pain. I can sense that you have endured much in your life. I want you to know that I love you.” I suspect you would quickly take three steps back, mumble “thanks” and quickly get the hell away from this woman. Why? She knows nothing about you. How could she possibly “love” you and understand what you have been through? She can’t.

Let me educate you about what former Evangelicals think about zealots using shallow, superficial “love” to evangelize them. They see right through you. They know that expressing “love” is an evangelism tool used to “connect” with and “hook” unwary marks. The same goes for sharing testimonies. Former Evangelicals know that testimonies are used to make human connections with evangelization targets. “Love” and personal testimonies are ways to break down resistance to the gospel. “See, I am (or was) just like you.” Zealots hope by making a personal connection with sinners that they will be more receptive for a gospel sales pitch.

You see, Chad, former Evangelicals are experts at recognizing these sales techniques. In my case, I used them for years. I see that you are affiliated with CRU — Campus Crusade for Christ. Did they teach you these evangelism techniques? If yes, please write in your notes: “does not work with former Evangelicals, especially those who are now atheists and agnostics.” You might add another note: “these techniques piss former Evangelicals off and make them less likely to hear the gospel.” In other words, Chad. Don’t do it!

You shared your “testimony” without me asking you to so do. Here’s what you said:

My grandma was a native of Mexico; she was mentally ill and blew her head off. My dad was 12 at the time or around that age. He ran into the room after hearing the shot and as you can imagine was destroyed by what he saw. My dad too was an atheist/agnostic and worked as in engineer for Boeing for 40 something years. He is a brilliant man of science with his degree in Physics. Sadly he never worked through his childhood trauma and beat me and my sister who has borderline personality disorder. I grew to hate dad passionately. I lived in fear of him and began power lifting in high school and playing football. I eventually weighed 215 and the abuse stopped one day when I realized I could protect myself from him. We got in a fight one night and as usual he threatened to beat me. I got in his face and basically told him his time of terror was over and if he dared put a hand on me or my sister I would crush him. He must of believed me because he sat down and said nothing else. We said nothing to each other after that horrible fight for a year. I would have laughed if he died. I went on to be a huge problem at school and was almost expelled for almost fighting a teacher that mouthed off to me. I graduated and took a job as a male stripper in St. Louis, MO. It was a great life of girls, money, and late parties. My girlfriend was also a stripper. I worked for Chic Entertainment. I’m not sure but they may still be in operation.

My freshman year in college some goofy girl and next door neighbor kept coming over to visit our dorm room, and she wouldn’t shut up about Jesus. She kept asking me to “receive” him whatever that meant. I told her I”m cool with JC, but I”m a stripper, and I’m not the Christian type. She told me I just the type Jesus wanted, and he would help me change. I thought….cool…whatever…..one night in the shower a week or so later I got on my knees and did the whole “pray to receive Jesus” thing. To my astonishment such a peace I’ve never known washed over me. I thought I had conjured it up because I wanted to believe this stuff. I couldn’t shake it either. I felt this presence around me that I could only describe as overwhelming love.

I began to wonder if this Jesus fellow might be true. I began studying religions and looking at historical evidence to see if I could make sense what happened to me. As I was doing this my personality changed dramatically. I went from being “tough guy” who told anyone I didn’t like to “F” off to suddenly feeling so much love for everyone. And that hate for my dad’s abuse just drained away. I literally felt no more hate for the guy. He noticed the change and asked what happened to you. I told him I didn’t know but told him I prayed to receive Jesus. He basically laughed in my face and told me not to give him all that God crap. He kept grilling me with hard questions, and as a new Christian I didn’t know the answers. I just kept telling him if you want to find out you need to pray to receive Christ and see what happens.

A very long story short my dad became a Christian, we both went to seminary, and both ended up in ministry. He is now one of my best friends and our family is so changed it’s unrecognizable. After 6 years in ministry I was praying in the woods before a mission trip to Africa to work with aids orphans. I was bitten by a tick and contracted numerous tick infections including: Lyme, Bartonella, and Babesia. I lived in hell for the next 12 years. For 10 of those years I lived on the brink of death. I could barely eat, breathe, sleep, walk. I begged God for death. My suffering was a constant writhing in agony. I couldn’t sit and even watch TV because my pain was constant or nightmarish. I felt so utterly forsaken by God. Another long story short a new medicine was made available to me, and I’m nearly recovered.

I might normally have been sympathetic towards you had we gotten to know each other, become friends, and shared with each other the struggles we have faced in life. Instead, your unprompted “story” smacks of an evangelism technique; an attempt to hook a big fish and reel him in for Jesus.

Chad, you wrote:

Bruce, you cant shake the feeling of Jesus because he real and reaching out to you. Life is hell let’s face it. Christ never said it would be otherwise. Some of the greatest saints suffered the most. Please Bruce, with tears get on your knees each night or 5 second prayers here and there and say, “Jesus, I dont believe you but please if you are real and Im wrong help me…show me….make a way.” You’re saying to me right now….but i’ve already done this. Please keep trying Bruce…please.

You say, “Bruce, you cant shake the feeling of Jesus because he real and reaching out to you.” You seem to be quite arrogant, Chad. How could you possibly know these things? What makes you think I have the “feeling of Jesus?” I have no such thing. The only feeling I have as I write this letter to you is excruciating physical pain from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. The pain is so severe in my spine today that I want to die. Literally. I choose, however, to keep plodding through life. I bought a new recliner today, hoping it will lessen my pain. I went to lunch with my wife of forty-five years and our daughter with Down syndrome. We had a delightful afternoon, even though the food I ate caused me all sorts of problems; as food does EVERY TIME I eat. I make the most of what life I have, knowing that I am on the short side of life. If Jesus really cares for me, how about taking away my pain or nausea? How about doing something miraculous that would reveal to me that he is real? Instead, he sends you. He always sends people like you; Evangelicals who have no regard for me as a person and only see me as a target for evangelization; just another notch on their gospel guns.

Jesus isn’t “reaching out to me,” Chad. He’s dead. Besides, even if Jesus is alive as you believe, how do you know he’s trying to reach me at 666-666-6669? Maybe the line is off the hook or disconnected. Maybe I am an apostate; a reprobate. You do know what the Bible says about reprobates, right? I am confident (and happy) that I have crossed the proverbial line of no return. You are wasting your time trying to evangelize me.

Your life might be “hell,” but mine isn’t. Sure, I live a pain-filled life. I struggle to move, walk, and do “normal,” everyday things. But, as long as I have Polly, my wife, our six children, and our thirteen grandchildren, life isn’t “hell,” not even close. I see most of my children and grandchildren every week or two. I am blessed to have my family close by. Because this life is the only one I will ever have, I intend to make the most of every day. I give this advice on my ABOUT page:

You have one life. There is no heaven or hell. There is no afterlife. You have one life, it’s yours, and what you do with it is what matters most. Love and forgive those who matter to you and ignore those who add nothing to your life. Life is too short to spend time trying to make nice with those who will never make nice with you. Determine who are the people in your life that matter and give your time and devotion to them. Live each and every day to its fullest. You never know when death might come calling. Don’t waste time trying to be a jack of all trades, master of none. Find one or two things you like to do and do them well. Too many people spend way too much time doing things they will never be good at.

Here’s the conclusion of the matter. It’s your life and you best get to living it. Someday, sooner than you think, it will be over. Don’t let your dying days be ones of regret over what might have been.

You go on to ask me, “Bruce, with tears get on your knees each night or 5 second prayers here and there and say, “Jesus, I dont believe you but please if you are real and Im wrong help me…show me….make a way.” You’re saying to me right now….but i’ve already done this. Please keep trying Bruce…please.”

Do you have any idea how often Evangelicals have taken this approach with me over the past fifteen years? Hundreds of times. Here’s what your plea says to me: you want me to conjure up a dead man. This is not different from a Voodoo incantation. Besides, do you know how offensive it is to ask a crippled man who can’t walk without the aid of a wheelchair or cane to get on his knees?

Let me be clear, I have no interest in your God, Jesus, or religion. I have no interest in buying what you are peddling. I am not low-hanging fruit. I likely know the Bible better than you do. I know all I need to know about Christianity. I have weighed the central claims of Christianity in the balance and found them wanting. Besides, I have the revelation of conscience and creation (Romans 1,2). I have all that is necessary for me to “believe.” Yet, I remain unconvinced. Ponder that for awhile, Chad. “Think” instead of acting.

You conclude your email to me with an arrogant, self-righteous prayer, a common form of spiritual masturbation among Evangelical zealots.

You wrote:

Lord, I feel such love for Bruce. I’m asking in response to this prayer a series of miracles would get my brother’s attention. I pray you press into him with your love and presence so powerfully it would overwhelm him with delight in spite of himself. Give him the grace to again call on your name even in disbelief. …..and please Lord answer him with such power he cant deny the miracle. Jesus please let me walk on streets of gold with Bruce someday and may we spend eternity as dear friends. God love you Bruce! If you read this far thank you!!!!

I am not your “brother,” Chad. I don’t want to be your “brother” either. I also don’t want to walk on fictional streets of gold with you. Quite frankly, I am not that into you. What makes you think that I would want to spend eternity with the Chad Lawrences of the world? Give me Christopher Hitchens, Steven Hawking, and Steve Gupton in Hell every time. You may want to spend eternity in constant worship and fealty to a man who took a long weekend for you, but I don’t. That sounds like hell, to me.

You are telling me with your prayer that you think there is something fundamentally wrong with me. You know very little about me. In fact, you know so little about me that you couldn’t pass a ten-question exam about my life. Yet, you feel justified in rendering judgment on my life and telling me what I should do. To that, I say, fuck off.

If there is a God, he knows exactly where I am. He knows where I live. He knows my phone number and email address. He can contact me at any time. Better yet, he can show up on my doorstep and take me out to lunch. That said, I will tell you this: if I am miraculously healed of gastroparesis, fibromyalgia, and degenerative spine disease, I will put my faith and trust in Jesus and return to church. You have thirty days to make this happen, Chad. Fast and pray without ceasing for Bruce Gerencser. Gather your spouse and CRU buddies together and pray for God to heal me. Let’s put your prayers to the test. With God, all things are possible, right? Nothing is too hard for God, the Bible says. So here, I am, Chad. To quote Captain Jean Luc Picard, “make it so, number one.”

I hope you have realized by now that contacting me in the manner that you did was a bad idea. We shall see if you learned anything.

Saved by Reason,

Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and sixteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.

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