Many Evangelical preachers promote the idea that the bond Christian church members have with one another is far better than the one people have with blood relatives. Blood is thicker than water, the old saying goes, but not in Evangelical churches. The water of baptism unites fellow believers together into what is called “the family of God.” In this sense, water is indeed thicker than blood. One of the selling points of Evangelicalism is that it provides people with unique relationships with not only God, but also their fellow members.
Years ago, a popular song among Evangelicals was The Family of God by Bill and Gloria Gaither:
For I’m part of the family,
the family of God.You will notice we say “brother
and sister” ’round here-
It’s because we’re a family
and these folks are so near;
When one has a heartache
we all share the tears,
And rejoice in each victory
In this family so dear.I’m so glad I’m a part
of the family of God-
I’ve been washed in the fountain,
cleansed by His blood!
Joint heirs with Jesus
as we travel this sod,
For I’m part of the family,
the family of God.From the door of an orphanage
to the house of the King-
No longer an outcast,
a new song I sing;
From rags unto riches,
from the weak to the strong,
I’m not worthy to be here,
But, praise God, I belong!I’m so glad I’m a part
of the family of God-
I’ve been washed in the fountain,
cleansed by His blood!
Joint heirs with Jesus
as we travel this sod,
For I’m part of the family,
the family of God.Yes I’m part of the family,
the family of God.
You will notice we say “brother and sister” around here, the Gaither’s wrote, and we greet one another this way because “we’re a family.” Gaither goes on to say that when brothers and sisters have troubles, the church is there for them, just as the church rejoices with them when they have victories. From the outside, the notion of church members all being one, big happy family is appealing. One of the common things ex-Evangelicals miss is the social connection and camaraderie they had with fellow Christians. And not just during Sunday services either. The churches I pastored over the years had frequent potluck dinners, dinner on the grounds, and banquets, along with social events that drew congregants together.
If you come from a dysfunctional family, as I did, it is not hard to see how the church could supplant your blood relatives. “I don’t need my parents, siblings, and extended family! I have my church family. They love me unconditionally and are always there for me!” Or so the thinking goes anyway. What ex-Evangelicals learned is that, unlike blood relatives to whom you are related no matter what, the “family of God” has certain requirements for membership and participation. Don’t play by the rules, don’t have the right beliefs, or don’t march in lock-step with the preacher’s edicts, and you will find that “unconditional” love is anything but, and the people who promised to always be there for you are nowhere to be found.
Those of us who left Evangelicalism and became atheists/agnostics quickly found out that the “family of God” was not what we thought it was; that the people we called friends distanced themselves from us or turned on us. I was part of the “family of God” for fifty years. I had scores of intimate relationships with fellow Christians and colleagues in the ministry. I naively believed that if I were honest about my loss of faith these people would at least “understand” and continue to be friendly towards me and my family. Instead, once word of my unbelief became common knowledge (Please see Dear Family, Friends, and Former Parishioners), it was not long before my church family turned on me. I received countless emails and letters from former congregants and colleagues in the ministry decrying my atheism and unbelief. The very people who loved and respected me set me on fire with angry, hateful words. I wish I had saved their correspondence, but their words hurt me to such a degree that I threw them away after receiving them.
One letter, in particular, came from a couple I had known since I was a teen. Their older boys were my age. I spent countless hours at their home hanging out. They were instrumental in me becoming the pastor of Olive Branch Christian Union Church in 1995. We were close, to say the least. In early 2009, I sent out Dear Family, Friends, and Former Parishioners. After, receiving my letter, this couple sent me a scathing letter that, in essence, told me I was possessed of the Devil. Their words were beyond hurtful. Several months later, I received another letter from them — an apology of sorts. Unfortunately, the damage was already done. I tend to believe that people say what they mean the first time, and usually apologies are just them feeling guilty about being assholes.
What my post-Jesus experiences taught me is that the beliefs I had about the “family of God” were largely untrue; that membership in the family required fidelity to certain beliefs and practices. From a sociological perspective, I understand why this is so. All of us are drawn into relationships with people who have similar beliefs, experiences, hobbies, and the like. As social creatures, we like to hang out with like-minded people. When I divorced Jesus, I broke the bond I had with congregants and colleagues. Fine, but you’d think that, at the very least, they would treat me with love, kindness, and respect, if for no other reason than the possibility that my loss of faith was temporary. Instead, they burned our relationships to the ground. “No Jesus? Rot in Hell,” their sentiments seemed, at the time. My best friend so savaged me that I am not sure I have emotionally recovered to this day. When he first emailed me, I couldn’t believe how nasty he was. I hadn’t heard from him in several years. I replied, “Really? How about asking how I am doing?” We traded several emails after that, but it was clear, at least to me, that all that we had shared together over the years mattered not to him. All that mattered was fealty to Jesus and the Bible.
I was fifty years old when I left Christianity; when I lost a lifetime of friendships and social connections. This, I suppose, was the price I paid for being open and honest. If I were to repudiate atheism and swear allegiance to Jesus again, I have no doubt that I would regain many of these lost relationships. That’s not going to happen. It’s too late, age-wise, for me to build new social connections and friendships. Sure, I have a few heathen friends and I am grateful for the relationships I have through this blog. Maybe, if I live long enough, I will write a song called The Family of Reason. Deconversion has forced me to focus on the family that really matters: Polly, my children, grandchildren, and my siblings. Contrary to what I believed for fifty years, blood really is thicker than water.
Please share your experiences with the “family of God,” both as a Christian and as an ex-believer, in the comment section. Do you still have close friends from your church days? If not, what have you done, if anything, to build relationships with like-minded unbelievers?
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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Yes, most if not all relationships are conditional. The only reliable unconditional loyalty is Mother’s love, and I suspect even that may have limits. My Mother was such a devout Catholic that when we walked to downtown Bryan, we crossed the street rather than walk on the side of the Protestant church as if it were contagious. Even so, her emotional investment in her children was even more ferocious. Her investment in religion was great but it came second behind her family. No wonder Motherhood is so revered. Moms are the last ones to give up on us if ever they do, while our friends, cronies, colleagues, will drop us quick if we discomfort them a bit too much.
So true. Most relationships are conditional. We get hurt and disillusioned when we expect more from church people. They’re human and act true to form.
I tend to be on the edge of any group. I guess it’s my vibe or personality or something. I used to think it would be different at church, but human nature wins every time. Churches have their IN little groups, their gossipers, their prejudices, etc, just like all other groups.
The importance of family is a core Christian belief. The life of Jesus, Mary, Joseph and their relatives attests to this doctrine. However, what if a family member strays off and becomes pagan or atheist?
I was raised in a Catholic family that was tolerant of such things as long as the pagan or atheist family member was tolerant of Catholic beliefs.
However, decades ago, I was a member of an evangelical church for about six weeks. I could only tolerate six weeks and then quit. I tried to maintain the relationships I had formed but was ostracized.
that is a typically false claim from SOM.
34 ‘Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.
35 For I have come to set a man against his father,
and a daughter against her mother,
and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
36 and one’s foes will be members of one’s own household.
37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38 and whoever does not take up the cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it. Matthew 10
(curious how jesus says the opposite here “3 He answered them, “And why do you break the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? 4 For God commanded, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’ 5 But you say, ‘If anyone tells his father or his mother, “What you would have gained from me is given to God,6 he need not honor his father.’” Matthew 15.)
“3 Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary and brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon? And are not his sisters here with us?” And they took offense at him. 4 And Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor, except in his hometown and among his relatives and in his own household.” 5 And he could do no mighty work there, except that he laid his hands on a few sick people and healed them. 6 And he marveled because of their unbelief.” Mark 6
“On the third day there was a wedding at Cana in Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. 2 Jesus also was invited to the wedding with his disciples. 3 When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” 4 And Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come.” 5 His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”” John 2
curious how rather than call Mary his mother, jesus just calls her “woman”. Really can feel the familial love there. /s
“31 And his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him. 32 And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, “Your mother and your brothers are outside, seeking you.” 33 And he answered them, “Who are my mother and my brothers?” 34 And looking about at those who sat around him, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother.”” Mark 3
It is notable that christian cults are not tolerate of each other, and not tolerant of other religoins or those who have no religion at all. If your cult is based on the idea that anyone who dares disagree with deserves death and worse, you fail.
Club, For Christians everywhere, Christmas is about Jesus and his family. Further, the Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in its deepest mystery is family.
These are not my claims. These are core Catholic beliefs. And I would not be surprised if many of my Protestant brethren have similar core beliefs.
SOM, no matter how you lie, it doesn’t change what your bible literally says. And no, your idiotic trinity doesn’t represent a family at all. Curuious how christians always claim a family must have a father and mother, and surprise, no mother to be found at all. Catholics added mary in their need for a mother long after to mimic other religions, but she’s nothing to jesus in your very own bible.
I do enjoy the nonsense in your bible where jesus again calls his mother ‘Woman”, and supposedly sends her off to live with his “favorite” apostle, when she had an entire family.
Your cult’s nonsense again fails.
and SOM? christmas is about christians celebrating the idea that some god impregnated a young woman to get a version of itself that it could cause to be a human blood sacrifice to it in order to make it feel better about a problem it caused some supposed thousands of years earlier. No happy family nothing is shown in your ridiculous myths. And funny how your god goes out of its way to have a bunch of kids supposedly slaughtered, for this story (curious how no other book than matthew notices this supposed event). Not exactly family friendly.
that is all you have.
Club, Jesus revealed that God is the trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit (love).
Father, son and love are words of family. Consequently, since the Trinity is at the core of Christian belief, so is the loving family.
Christianity is what it is, in spite of your personal misgivings and disbeliefs.
and SOM tries to make false claims again. Chrsitianity does not agree on the trinity. Nothing says that the holy spirit is love. SOM simply has pulled this from his nethers as usual.
a god that makes a part of himself to be sacrificed by torture to make the god happy has no love and certainly doesn’t treat this creation like family.
SOM must make up lies to make his cult seem less ridiculous and disgusting.
Curious how this god of SOM’s fails at even the half decent definition of love in 1 corinthians.
4 Love is patient;” fail. see adam and eve
“love is kind;” fail see david’s son
“love is not envious” fail. see exodus
“or boastful or arrogant” fail. see Job.
” 5 or rude.” fail. see the varioud genocides
“It does ot insist on its own way” fail. every single bit of the bible
“it is not irritable or resentful;” fail. see genesis
” 6 it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.” fail. See Job, see 2 thessalonians, etc.
“7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Fail, the entire bible.
Club, Quoting the Bible isn’t a sufficient rebuttal to the simple definition of words.
Father, son and love are words of family. And God as trinity is a fundamental Christian belief.
All Christian denominations believe in the Trinity, otherwise they are Christian in name only.
ROFL. you mean don’t qutoe the bible when it doesn’t way what you want it to. the trinity is not a fundamental christian belief. I know my christian history, dear. don’t try to lie.
As always, each christian that only they are the TrueChristians(tm), and the rest aren’t. It’s quite a circular firing squad, considering not a one of you self-professed christians can do what your supposed savior promised to his true followers.
Club, You quote the Bible when simple word definitions do not suit you. Without a proper understanding of simple language, quoting from the Bible is meaningless.
Unsuprisingly, SOM, you are simply making things up now since you can’t show I’m wrong. Do show an example of this nonsese you are spewing now: “You quote the Bible when simple word definitions do not suit you. ”
where have I done that, indeed, how have I done that? I know simple language, and it seems you don’t like what your bible says.
Why the heck would god make it a mystery? Is he playing hidey-go-seek just to mess with us?
George, “Mystery” is that which is beyond human comprehension. Since God, by definition, is infinite, and man is obviously finite, God’s full nature is beyond human comprehension and thus mysterious.
A mystery that keeps one from fully understanding something inscrutable is one thing. A mystery that results in eternal fire is another. Church doctrine of hell is designed to control and milk the sheep. No loving god would come up with it.
Oh wait. You’re Catholic? Never mind, you’re in a cult and beyond help unless you use your noggin.
Debate protestants, maybe. But once someone admits to being Catholic, that’s it. Game over. Get lost. You’re an idiot.
Although people become friends and, probably, network within their Roman Catholic parishes, I don’t think their friendship is based on faith. At least, that is what I would conclude based on my experience of growing up in the Church. Some might have forged relationships based on participation in some activity within the parish, as I did with some of my fellow altar boys. But faith didn’t seem to have anything to do with it.
On the other hand, my experience with an Evangelical church was, in many ways, what Bruce described. To be fair, by the time I stopped believing, I was out of contact with most of them simply because we’d moved and/or moved on. Ironically, one of the few people with whom I remained in touch ended our friendship over my gender affirmation (what people call “gender transition “ or
“gender change”). And two others got back in touch with me after a decades-long hiatus. I wrote a guest post about each of them. One told me something I’d suspected: a deacon in our church raped her. The other is, in a way, an example of what”Dutch Guy” described : He and his wife were told, by several different pastors, that their son would not accompany them to Heaven because he didn’t declare his devotion to Jesus. He didn’t because he couldn’t: He has never learned to read, write, speak or do most of what we do for ourselves. Church members offered nothing more than platitudes about how “God doesn’t put you through anything you can’t handle”
and castigated them when they said, in essence, that they were doing, and would do, more for their son than that church or its God ever did, or would.
I agree it’s not faith drawing Catholics to affiliate. Not my Mother’s case anyway. Socializing didn’t bring her to church but her faith did. I can’t recall her socializing with anyone in church or elsewhere. My parents’ English was as poor as our finances which made us outsiders. It didn’t isolate my Father however. Church ladies may not warm up to poor foreigners but bar room buddies don’t shun anyone who buys them a beer.
For arrogant church leaders presuming to specify technicalities God demands for entry to Heaven, the rapists, molesters, and embezzlers, abusing positions of trust, I’d like to believe Hell is a real place they’ll go to pay for their evildoing. It’s an appealing fantasy.
Years ago we had a large family reunion for several days. My evangelical brother felt the need to find a church in the area for this brief period. On another occasion my sister was traveling to his area on business and asked to get together but he turned her down because his church was having an event.
I grew up attending a Southern Baptist church where my grandparents (and to a smaller extent my mom and stepdad) were active members and volunteers. There was a period of a few years where my grandma never left the house even to go to church because she didn’t want to leave her elderly mother home alone. As active as my grandparents were in church, I don’t remember anyone offering my grandma a hand at all. After my great-grandmother went into the nursing home, my grandma went back to church and started teaching Sunday school again.
The church members gave a lot of donations to my mom and stepdad when their house burned down. They helped years later when my mom and stepdad moved from one house to a house in another town. But the tie was broken when my family didn’t make the 30 minute drive to the old church every week after the move.
One of my childhood friends from church got ostracized out of the church of her childhood because my friend spoke out against MAGA Trump conspiracy BS. There wasn’t much Christian love for my friend who didn’t toe the GOP MAGA line.
I cannot fathom placing anyone ahead of my daughter on the pecking order. She is my absolute world, my most precious joy, and I would die to protect her. The idea that anyone who place more value on their religion than their children is scary, but then again, the levels of indoctrination that followers of most religions face is also scary.
Yes, indoctrination surpasseth all understanding.
it’s a cult. of course it wants people to abandon their families.
SO good to be rid of the blood cult. Been catching up on movies, TV shows, clothing, and everything else that the crooked pointed finger forbade for so long. I began to watch reruns of The Wonderful World of Disney (from the late 60s only several years ago because we got dragged to church every Sunday night to listen to the boring, droning shit sermons. We could’ve been watching all the fun stuff, but NOOOOO, Church was open.
My best friend was the most popular person in our college class during our freshman year. Then he got “saved” and from then on, everybody left the room whenever he showed up because he became a button-holer and tried to save everybody.
Thank GOD that the killer god doesn’t exist.
Silence: “Christianity is what it is, in spite of your personal misgivings and disbeliefs.”
Zoe: This isn’t a “sufficient rebuttal” either Silence.