Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!
I see your face, Jesus!
I see you, Jesus!
Come to me, Jesus!
I see your face, Jesus!
Over and over and over again, for two hours, an elderly Charismatic Christian woman in a hospital bed near mine, lay on her bed with hands extended to the ceiling, pleading for Jesus/God to come to her and make his presence known. She had just had surgery and was in a tremendous amount of pain. Pain medications were ineffective, so she turned to Jesus — the ultimate pain reliever. As a former devout Evangelical, I understand the woman’s pleas. As a pastor suffering from chronic illness and pain, I daily pleaded with God to deliver me from my suffering; or at the very least lessen my pain so I could sleep and do the work of the ministry. Alas, not one of my prayers was answered by God. At the time, I believed that if God didn’t answer my prayers, he was using my pain and suffering to either punish me, correct me, or for his glory. God always got a free pass.
Fortunately, after two hours of crying out to Jesus, he finally showed up! Just kidding. What showed up was a nurse with a syringe filled with high-powered narcotics. Soon, the woman fell asleep, ending her pleas to God. When she awoke, family and medical staff alike comforted her so she would no longer hysterically cry out for an imaginary pain-alleviating deity. Her suffering was alleviated, not by God, but by medically trained and compassionate human beings.
I genuinely felt sorry for the woman, knowing that Jesus was not going to show himself to her; that all the prayers, Bible verses, and worship were no match for severe pain; and that narcotics are the best tool medical professionals have in their toolbox to alleviate suffering.
I understand why Evangelicals turn to Jesus when suffering, but he is little more than a placebo. Jesus has never made a pain go away. He has no power to palliate suffering. How could he? Jesus is dead. Sure, prayer/meditation/positive mental attitude/mindfulness can help reduce pain; they are, after all, placebos. If you want to put this to the test, the next time you have surgery, ask the surgeon to do it without anesthesia or ask him to NOT give you narcotic pain meds post-surgery. None of us, I suspect, is willing to do this, even Holy Ghost-filled Christians. When we are in pain, we want the best post-surgery pain relievers. We want pain relievers because they work.
Nurses kept this woman sedated for the duration of my stay. I am grateful she found relief from her pain, even if her God had nothing to do with it.
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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That’s so sad. This brings back memories of older relatives who would cry out to Jesus when they were in pain. Like your fellow hospital patient, Jesus never showed up, but sometimes a medical professional with pain medication would intervene.
I recall calling out, though within myself, or whispers to God. Please if only one second of relief. I was told I had deep seeded secret sin in my heart and if I’d only confess said sin I wouldn’t have Crohn’s disease anymore. I remember being told the Enemy was after me because I had done and was doing and would do great things for Jesus. But I recall.
I recall lying in bed coming in and out of consciousness. I recall lying still for medical tests for two hour. Don’t move. Jesus never relieved my pain nor the fear and anxiety that comes with impossible pain and being told not to move. I recall two years on a mattress on the floor in unbelievable spinal pain BEGGING God for relief. The more I begged, the farther down the fundamentalist ladder I went until I literally was in fundamentalist hell, searching for mercy.
The only way through all of it was a part of me kept thinking, well, no matter what you feel, there is someone worse off. Naturally, that would be Jesus. Jesus would be worse off after all he gave is life for me.
I remember people saying they were praying for me. Jesus never answered their prayers. I remember a pastor coming into my room, without my consent. Of course, I was semi-conscious and I did stir enough to see him standing over 6 feet tall at my bedrail and then he literally scared me to death when he dropped to his knees to pray. I thought it he was falling or taking ill. Then in my stupor I gave him hell. Told him God didn’t need him to drop to his knees to pray for the sick. Silly.
Seems you stirred some memories for me Bruce. 🙂
❤️I hear ya. ❤️
We’ve been there, done that. <3
Sadly, my 52 year old cousin died 2 years ago of liver cancer which metastasized into her brain and lungs. She and her husband were long time youth pastors at a local christian church. She suffered horribly for months. The whole evangelical community held prayer meetings and had big prayer chains going. Which, of course, didn’t change anything. At her funeral her older brother came up to me and quietly shook his head. He said ” Danny, I just don’t get it’. At the service the minister said the standard things that christians say when they have no fucking answers for anything. “We just don’t understand the ways of the Lord, but we can be comforted in knowing that he has a reason for everything’. And also the well worn pearl “the rain falls on the just and the unjust.” A lot of people were asking “where was God?” Good question. As humans I think we want to believe that there are reasons or answers for everything. That there’s someone or something watching over all of us. Thoughts and prayers. It’s amazing just how hollow that phrase can be.
I recall reading, some time ago, that researchers found “benefits” in prayer–or, more precisely, the belief that praying helps anything.
In other words, they said that prayer was a placebo.
I’ve tried to find the article or report. If I do, I’ll post it.
If hypnosis can relieve pain then perhaps chanting prayers can have the same placebo-like effect. I’ll be open to that possibility. As a child, I personally have lain in a hospital bed crying in unspeakable pain. When I finally got relief it was thanks to a morphine shot. Of course, the Bible thumpers response to that is that God made morphine. Oh well. There’s no debating fanaticism.
I had a friend who had leukemia. He seemed to think that his Buddhist practice (he had come close to being a monk) would keep him alive. I also think he figured he would be conscious to the very end because of that. He went through horrific treatments to stay alive, ghastly. But the cancer finally killed him. I got to witness his dying, writhing in pain and unable to communicate. The nurses would give him some narcotics that brought him peace. His practice didn’t turn out to be a cure or a comfort in the end. I am glad the nurses had something to help him with during his agony.
The first crack in my Christian armor happened years ago when I was facing a devastating medical crisis. Believing that Gad would be with me spiritually at such a time I cried out for the peace and comfort I had always believed would be there. Instead I experienced a profound sense of loneliness and abandonment. It was years before I finally deconverted but the raw emotion of that moment has never left me.
There’s a deleted scene from the movie Unbreakable (starring Bruce Willis) where a priest loses faith and becomes an atheist after his nephew dies in a train wreck in which Bruce was the only survivor. The priest previously lost several family members in two previous unrelated, separate accidents. Each time, he prayed and convinced himself that it was for some greater good. But on the third time where his nephew’s collar bone was shattered in three places before he died, the priest lost faith and became an atheist