Millions of Evangelicals have read my writing since I first started blogging in 2007. Most of them never leave comments, but thousands of their fellow brethren have over the years. Sadly, many of their comments are judgmental, hateful, and argumentative. I have previously shared that some of these God-fearing, Jesus-loving, Holy Spirit-filled Christians turned to threatening me with violence. And yes, threatening someone with eternal torture in the Lake of Fire is a violent threat; one that countless Evangelicals have made towards me, my family, and the readers of this blog.
Sometimes, “nice” Christians stumble upon my writing. As they read through my responses to hateful Fundamentalist Christians, these “nice” Christians are appalled by what some of their born-again family members say to me. Often, “nice” Christians will say that nasty, hateful believers aren’t “real” Christians. Using the No Scotsman Fallacy, “nice” Christians excise from their religious family anyone who gives their tribe a bad name. Problem solved, right?
If that’s all “nice” Christians did, I would have no objection. If Christians want to fight amongst themselves about who is and isn’t a “true Christian,” have at it. I couldn’t care less. If Christians want to have a food fight with each other, put it on pay TV, buy some beer, and enjoy the bloodshed. The problem, however, is that “nice” Christians see the atrocious behavior by their crazy uncles and rabid brothers on this site, and they automatically assume that the reason I am an atheist is because I was, in some way, harmed by Christians. This is patently false, and no matter how many times I correct the record, they refuse to change the strawman of me they have built in their minds. In their minds, if I were only exposed to “nice” Christians, I would see the light and return to Jesus.
Here’s the problem with this kind of thinking: how I was treated by church members, colleagues in the ministry, and other Christians played little to no part in my deconversion. My partner and I spent countless hours talking about Christianity and our evolving loss of faith. There wasn’t one discussion about the “hurt” caused to us by Christians. That discussion did not happen until after we left the faith; one that continues to this day. You see, it was AFTER we left the Jesus Salvation Club that the ugliness, hatred, and judgmentalism came flowing from our Evangelical family, friends, and colleagues in the ministry as a broken sewer pipe spewing effluent in every direction; splattering a couple they once believed were examples of devoted followers of Jesus with smelly, putrid shit.
No matter how often I explain to “nice” Christians why I deconverted, they convince themselves that if Christians were just nice to me, I would return to Jesus. Years ago, an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist (IFB) evangelist took this approach to me, even though I warned him it would not work. We would chat back and forth; he even sent me $200. By all accounts, he was and is a nice guy. If we lived closer to one another, we would likely be close friends. As I continued to share with him why I wasn’t a Christian, a curious thing happened. This preacher of the KJV started listening to me; to my actual explanations for deconverting. One day, I got an email from him that said he was no longer a Christian. Did I jump up and down for joy? No, because I knew that he would pay a high price for walking away from the ministry and the true IFB faith. His kindness to me didn’t convert me, and neither did my kindness deconvert him. For both of us, our loss of faith came when we reinvestigated our beliefs, especially the central claims of Christianity. While how we were treated post-Jesus by Christians played no part in our deconversions, it certainly affects how we view some segments of Christianity today.
To “nice” Christians who come upon this blog, I give this advice: shut up and listen. Instead of analyzing my story, psychoanalyzing me, or combing through my story with a nit comb looking for the “real” reason I deconverted, how about letting me tell my own story, in my own words, on my own terms. Instead of making snap judgments, take time to read ALL of my story. And then, ask questions instead of rendering judgment
Millions of people have read my writing over the years, including countless Evangelicals-turned-atheists. For those of us raised in Evangelical churches before we deconverted, we are painfully aware of the practice of friendship evangelism or love bombing. Evangelicals are taught to shower unbelievers with fake love and friendship. Love bombing and friendship evangelism are fake because their goal is not friendship; it’s conversion; it’s increasing attendance and offerings.
Evangelicals-turned-atheists (and other former Evangelicals) develop skills that help them spot fakery or false motivations from a mile away. We understand the buzzwords and tactics used by “nice” Christians. Thus, when a “nice” Christian starts working their “magic,” unbelieving readers become irritated, often wishing I would send them packing. And I typically do, though sometimes it is good to be reminded of how “nice” Christians ply their wares.
To “nice” Christians who are offended by this post, I offer up a challenge: You may freely comment on this blog, but you cannot mention God, Jesus, the Bible, or your personal testimony. These things do not interest most of us. If your objective is to be a “nice” Christian, this should be easy for you to do. However, most followers of Jesus won’t accept this offer. Why? Because the real reason they comment on this site is to put a good word in for Jesus. And that’s okay. All I am asking is that “nice” Christians be honest about their motivations (as we all should).
Bruce Gerencser, 68, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 47 years. He and his wife have six grown children and sixteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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‘..if I were only exposed to “nice” Christians, I would see the light and return to Jesus.’ I’d alter that sentence to, ‘If only I was exposed to the doctrinally correct, perfect, right sort of x-tian which happens to be their kind’…..all others I’ve ever encountered up to the moment of engaging with them, were not True X-tians at all.
Good post Bruce. This is something I myself need to be mindful of. I get a great deal out of reading and commenting on your site and hearing everyone else’s perspectives. As I have said before, it is incredibly good basic therapy to be able to read and discuss the effects that high energy high demand (yep, I’ve watched the YouTube channel “Cults to Consciousness”) religion has on people.
When I saw the phrase “‘nice’ Christians,” I immediately thought of what the 7th chapter of Daniel and Revelation 13 say about the Antichrist. While that figure isn’t necessarily “nice,” he is charismatic and thus sways people with his charm and powers of persuasion. Funny that ‘nice’ Christians seem to think they can win you back A similar way.
I never did find out what getting “the boot” meant.
i don’t believe there is any such thing as a “nice” “christian”.
if they claim to be “christian”, they’re dead set AGAINST anything or anyone who has anything to say that is NOT what they (or, more likely, their pastor) says.
they may be more adept at hiding it, and using deceptive language to cover it, but that doesn’t negate the fact that, if it is not what their pastor says, they are DEAD SET against it.
if they truly are “nice”, they’re definitely NOT “christian”.
I agree with you partially here. I do think someone can be respectful and appreciate folks. The key to success is separating religion from the conversation and not proselytizing to those who do not want to hear it.
The challenge with many hardcore fundamentalists Christians is that they cannot separate religion or the ideology because they are so emotionally tied to the Church and institutions they have had thrown at them continuously.
After we deconverted, we lost all our Christian friends except one couple. We decided to focus on the things we held in common. We didn’t talk about politics or religion (they were Evangelical Trump supporters). Sadly, believing conspiracy theories about COVID cost one of them their life. Both were in intensive care. The husband and I are no longer close.
Bruce:
Thanks for this post. The key lesson you highlight about the need for folks to shut up and listen, that in itself is one way to solve 95% of the issues in the world.
I also appreciate you going deeper into the path of your deconstruction and deconversion journey. The specifics of such journeys are of interest and fascinating to hear.
As always, you post wisdom.
How do we distance ourselves from those we see as distorting our faith? Perhaps we can begin by saying that, as am I, they are imperfect representations of the faith they and I share [and here we can substitute most any belief system].
During one unkind exchange several years back, I spoke of all I had learned from a few in my faith about faith and about myself. I ended by quoting Mark Twain on composer Richard Wagner.
“His music is much better than it sounds.”
I applied it that day to my friends: that they are much better than they sounded just then.
There are days, often my worst days, when I later hope I am better than I sounded.
I occasionally quote your posts, Bruce, to family and friends.
I hope that they get as much from you as I do.
Hey, Bruce, I miss seeing you on Facebook, but I understand why people leave it. I always appreciate your honesty.