You would think that most of us know the answer to the question, “Why do babies cry”? My partner and I were blessed to have six children, now ages 46, 44, 41, 36, 34, and 31. We heard a lot of crying back in the day. Most of our children cried for one of four reasons:
- They needed their diapers changed (Polly used cloth diapers for all our children)
- They were hungry (Polly nursed all six of our children, on demand)
- They were sick or injured
- They wanted attention
When our babies cried, we fed them, changed them, took their temperatures, or picked them up. Yes, Momma, in particular, indulged her young ones. Babies need their mothers, and Polly was a first-rate mother. She had to be, since her husband was rarely home to help with domestic responsibilities. I regret this, but there’s nothing I can do about it other than make up for it with my grandchildren. As most grandparents learn, grandchildren are a do-over of sorts; an opportunity to do better now that we have maturity and wisdom.
Years ago, our church took in a homeless couple who was expecting their first child. We provided them housing, food, and gasoline. All we asked is that the husband get a job and go to work every day. Sadly, he was unable to fulfill this responsibility, and they were asked to move.
One day, I went to the church building where they were living and I heard their newborn boy screaming. I mean, not just crying, but screaming, as only a baby can. The child was beside himself. I asked them what was wrong with their baby. I got a shrug of the shoulders. The mother said, “He will wait. We are busy eating.” I angrily told them, “STOP eating, and pick up your child. It is evident he needs your attention.” I feared child neglect, so the next day I had a social worker come to the church and talk to them about their parental obligations and responsibilities.
Why they treated their child this way was rooted in what they had been taught in Independent Fundamentalist Baptist (IFB) churches:
- Babies are enemies of God
- Babies are broken sinners
- Babies often cry because they want their own way
- Babies often cry, not out of necessity, but because they want the undivided attention of their parents
- Most crying is a result of sin, and not need
IFB preachers teach parents to ignore their babies’ “rebellion” against God, ignoring them until they settle down and stop crying. And babies WILL eventually stop crying out of exhaustion, but is this really how children should be treated? I think not. I was a strict disciplinarian — especially with my three oldest children — but not when it came to babies. I believed then, and still do today, babies want and need the attention of their parents, especially their mothers. Fortunately, I married a hot, sexy woman who was also a wonderful mother.
Sadly, this kind of thinking often leads to abuse. I knew parents who thrashed their babies/toddlers if they disobeyed, giving them “something to cry for.” Imagine taking a switch or wooden spoon to the tender skin of a eighteen-month-old toddler or swaddling them so tightly that they can’t move.
Don’t tell me that some forms of religious expression don’t cause abuse. They do, especially in their fundamentalist forms. Are these parents “evil”? Not necessarily. I spanked (beat) our children because I believed God commanded me to do so. I was obligated to use a switch to beat the “rebellion” out of them. Were my children, at times, rebellious? Sure, but more often than not, they got spanked, not because of rebellion, but because they pissed me off or did stuff that normal kids did. It took me a long time to learn the difference between rebellion and “boys being boys.”
Can you spoil a baby? I suppose it is possible to do so, but I’ve never seen it. I’ve concluded that while it is certainly possible to spoil older children, that’s not true when it comes to babies. They need our undivided attention, and if parents can’t give it to them, perhaps they reconsider having children. (I speak broadly. I know that life can give us all sorts of twists and turns that might affect our parenting abilities.)
Were you taught similar things about babies? Did your parental skills/discipline evolve over the years? Did you see child abuse under the guise of discipline? Please share your experiences in the comment section.
Bruce Gerencser, 69, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 48 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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