Environmental Scientist recently asked “[…] have you reached out to these former students and apologized?”
Zoe responded:
Ugh. Heaviness. Sigh.
I remember coming across Bruce’s blog ages ago. Maybe the dinosaurs were still roaming the earth back then? It was a post where he apologized. I cannot recall the specifics, but it was the first time I had ever heard, whether in person or online or in a book, a pastor apologize.
To date, he’s the only one.
I don’t know but I sense that in a way, Bruce’s writing is his attempt to apologize. The weight of sorrow that accompanies decisions made during our former believing days, is ever present. I wish the inventors of Christianity would apologize to me. I wish my ancestors had apologized to me. I am thankful that in my generation, I broke the cycle. Maybe breaking the cycle is our apology.
Zoe is a personal friend of mine. She’s been a reader of my writing from almost day one. I appreciate her friendship and support.
Zoe has seen my highs, lows, and meltdowns. It took me years to learn how best to deal with and respond to aggressive, violent, abusive Evangelical commenters. Years ago, when the pressure got to be too much, I would quit blogging. In late 2014, something clicked for me, and I’ve not stopped blogging since. This does not mean that I’m impervious to the ill treatment I receive from some Evangelical commenters. What’s different is that I have, over time, developed a thicker skin. I’ve also come to understand how deeply indoctrination and conditioning hinders some Evangelicals from having pleasant, thoughtful discussions. Instead, I am viewed as an enemy of Jesus and Christianity, unworthy of kindness and respect. I’ve concluded that many Evangelicals don’t believe the Bible commands governing their behavior apply when dealing with apostates, reprobates, and atheists. Never mind the fact that the Bible has a lot to say about how Christians should treat their enemies.
Over the years, I’ve been as open and honest as I could possibly be. Do I still have secrets; things I’m uncomfortable sharing with the public? Sure, and I make no apology for having them. That said, I’ve done my best to answer questions from friends and critics alike.
In 1989, I started a private school: Somerset Baptist Academy. The school was built on a one room school house approach. With 15-18 students, K-12, this was not hard to do. The focus was academic proficiency instead of grade level. Thus, an eleventh grader might be taking reading with fourth graders. Students were slotted based on academic ability. While this proved embarrassing for some older students, it did provide motivation for them to do better.
Most of the students “fondly” remember Preacher’s weekly timed math facts tests. Every student took the same tests. Passing the tests in a certain amount of time meant students didn’t have to take the tests any more. Eventually, all of the students passed.
Somerset Baptist Academy was an unchartered private religious school. What this meant, practically, is that the government left us alone, even though we were costing the local school district $75,000-$150,000 a year from lost state funding. That said, I faced no problems with the local school superintendent. In fact, he graciously donated desks for our school to use.
SBA was a tuition-free school, with unpaid teachers and staff. Polly and I were the primary teachers, with church members helping in areas they were proficient (i.e. home economics, auto repair, small engine repair).
The school was pass-fail. The goal was proficiency, not grade point average. One third of the students were excellent scholars. The rest of the students had various academic challenges. For these students, public schools had largely abandoned them.
One highlight was the fact that our little school had computers before the public schools did. Thanks to me being a computer geek and my office being in the same building as the school, older students had access to my computers. They were well ahead of public-school students when it came to computers.
We decided early on to focus on core academic proficiency. Teach students to competently read, write, and do maths, they can do almost anything. If you can’t read, write, and balance your checkbook, you are in for a hard life.
The school was started at the same time my theology moved from Independent Fundamentalist Baptist (IFB) beliefs to Evangelical Calvinism. This, of course, affected the theology taught in the school — primarily by me. Order and discipline were important. While corporeal punishment was permitted, I only paddled one student. I had no stomach for paddling other parents’ children. Instead, I would send a note home detailing the infraction, asking parents to discipline their children.
I did, however, use after school detentions as punishment for offenses. And not public school-like detention, either. Students in detention were given work to do after school: pulling weeds, cleaning fence lines, mowing grass, splitting and stacking wood, hauling coal, shoveling snow, cleaning the buildings, and straightening song books for the next service.
Years later, now an atheist and a humanist, I have mellowed out. I have no doubt I would do things differently if I was operating a Christian school today. But, it was the late 80s, and I had a lot of learning to learn and unlearn. I remain a work in progress. Sadly, some readers refuse to grant me grace. The more open I am, the more critical they become. Another reader, which I plan to dispense forthwith, has been sending me emails accusing me of abusing Polly and being a bad husband, totally ignoring the religious and cultural paradigms that were in play, at the time. We were a patriarchal family, willingly so. Same goes for Calvinism, which directly affected how many children we had.
I’m generally self-aware. Both of my therapists have told me that I’m too self-aware; that I’m hyper judgmental of self; that I struggle with guilt. Believe me, I want to be well thought of by others. I don’t like conflict, nor do I want people to be angry with me. But, in the real world, church conflict is common. I pastored scores of delightful people, but I also was shepherd to more than a few troublemaking, judgmental assholes. That’s the nature of the ministry. I tried to do my best, but that was never enough, for some people. I apologized when warranted, but refused to do so when I committed no offense. So it is with students at Somerset Baptist Academy.
Have I apologized to some of the students over the years? Sure. Who they are and what I apologized for is no one’s business except the parties involved. I have had lunch/dinner with several students. I’d say I’m on good terms with ten of the students — all of whom I have met and interacted with over the years. A few years back, I conducted the funeral for the father of four students. I sensed no anger or animosity from any of them.
Half of the students ended up graduating from college, including two of my sons. I like to think Polly and I, along with other volunteers, put students on a better path. It is, of course, up to them to tell their own stories. If if have learned anything, it is this: experiences are personal; and that no two people have the same experience. I would love to have former students share their SBA “war stories,” but these events are over 30 years old. Most of the students understand their five years at Somerset Baptist Academy in its theological, cultural, and tribal context. They view me as a man who was trying to do the right thing; trying to make life better for them. Did I fail? I will it leave to them to say.
To Zoe I say, once again, thank you! ❤️
Bruce Gerencser, 69, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 48 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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