Chronic Pain, Memory Loss, and Words

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Another day, another fight with pain and my very existence. There’s a new problem . . . Wild swings in blood sugar level. A 24-hour glucose monitor tells a story of a man with gastroparesis and exocrine pancreatitis insufficiency; a man whose pancreas is out of sync with his stomach and digestive track, leading to the abnormal highs and lows he is now facing.

It is what it is.

My partner has long since drifted off to sleep. Not me. Sleep eludes me as it has almost every night for 30 years.

1:00 AM . . . Cymbalta popped

2:00 AM . . . Cannabis gummy ingested

4:00 AM . . . Hydrocodone swallowed

Headphones on, as the sweet British voice of Jon Cohen prepares to sing me to sleep.

4:20 AM . . . I roll on my left side, pull my legs into a fetal position, and pull a large, firm pillow to my chest.

Soon after, I fall asleep,

Finally, sleep. If my blood glucose level drops below 55, an alarm will sound, hopefully waking me up.

8:10 AM . . . Partially awake, my first thought has earth shattering implications. What’s the correct word for backing up a recording; you know like backing up a car?

Dammit, why can’t I remember this word?

Too tired to care. I’ll message Carolyn later. She knows everything. Well, almost, anyway.

Back to sleep.

OCD-brain says, Wait a minute, there’s an unanswered question for you to answer!

Leave me alone.

Surely you jest. Answer the question!

Back up the recording?

Rewind the recording?

Reverse the recording?

No, dammit. What is it called when you back up-rewind-reverse, no, no, no! Dummy. It’s . . . uh . . .a time mark? Yes, that will work for me.

Finally, sleep arrives. All is right in the world, at least until I awake again a few hours later.

Comments

9 responses to “Chronic Pain, Memory Loss, and Words”

August 26, 2026

Steve Ruis

I would wish that you would rest in peace, but I don’t like the connotation of that term! Hang in there, Bruce!

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1. August 26, 2026
  
  Bruce Gerencser
  
  I hear ya, Steve. Thanks for the kind words. ❤️❤️
  
  Reply
August 26, 2026

BJW

Oh yes, the bliss of trying to sleep, and then ALL my muscles hurt. So on top of prescription drugs, I use THC gummies and a small amount of kratom. Plus osteoarthritis! Now all my muscles, tendons, ligaments, AND joints hurt.

I will always hope for you to get better, Bruce.

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August 27, 2026

Ben Berwick

If it’s any consolation, my brain sometimes blips, and I can’t remember the name of something. It sits on the tip of my tongue, teasing me, yet won’t come into focus. The human brain is so wonderful, and so bloody annoying all at once! Sending love from a moist Essex!

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1. August 27, 2026
  
  GeoffT
  
  I recently met up with some old school friends via Facebook whom I haven’t seen since 1964. I was able to dig out some old photos dating back even earlier (one from 1958) of our infant school class, containing nearly 40 faces. Weirdly I was able to remember at least 80% of them, yet trying to remember events from the last month or so I struggle. I actually don’t think it’s necessarily an age thing, rather it’s that your brain sifts and stores memories through different areas, finally dropping it into long term cache, where it sits somewhat imperfectly but accessible.
  
  Reply
August 27, 2026

GeoffT

I’m interested to learn that you listen to Jon Cohen. I’ve only recently found him, though I understand he’s been going for years. He’s incredibly articulate and reasoned, and without the ridiculous temper tantrums that Matt Dillahunty is prone to. As a result of listening to him I’m prepared to argue that apologetics is now dead in the water, in the sense that people of faith should be respected for their right to have a belief, but are best keeping it to themselves or limiting it to their in group. The exact opposite of course of what evangelicals like to do.

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August 27, 2026

MJ Lisbeth

Bruce, I wish you could get some truly restful, uninterrupted, sleep. You’ve been through so much already!

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1. August 29, 2026
  
  Bruce Gerencser
  
  Thank you, my friend. ❤️❤️ Unfortunately, I suspect I’m at a place where the best sleep comes in 3-4 hour segments. So if I can get 7-8 hours in a 12 hour period, that will do. Not enough, not satisfying, but I’ll take it. It took a lot of therapy for me to learn to not fight sleeplessness. Fighting it only led to more sleepless nights.
  
  If I sleep to short in a period, I wake up 🆙 with horrible neuropathic pain in my legs and hands. No doctor, so far, has been able to explain to me why this happens. The pain will be so bad sometimes that I end up vomiting from the stress,
  
  On the other end, if I lay in sleep for too long — over 4 hours — I wake up hurting all over.
  
  Both can and do happen on any given night — like last night. Cannabis has helped some, along with Hydrocodone and Cymbalta, but never a full night’s sleep.
  
  Reply
September 3, 2026

ObstacleChick

Middle-of-the-night brain sucks. I know I’m guaranteed to wake up 1-2 times per night, and it’s a crap shoot as to whether my brain decides to go into overdrive regarding some topic that seems massively important at 2 am yet seems trivial during daytime.

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