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Black Collar Crime: Pastor George Bradburn Guilty of Repeatedly Molesting Boy

george bradburn

George Bradburn, pastor of Queen City Christian Church in Queen City, Missouri, pleaded guilty yesterday to “fourteen counts of committing sodomy in the first degree and deviant sexual intercourse with a person less than 14-years-old.”

Echo Menges, a reporter for nemonews.net reports:

According to court documents, just over one year ago, a young man, formerly of Queen City, MO, told investigators about being sexually abused throughout his childhood by his former pastor, George Charles Bradburn, 69.

Bradburn befriended the boy at age nine, who commonly spent time at the church assisting in various duties such as cleaning or helping out. When the child was 12-years-old, Bradburn began molesting him, which is stated in the Probable Cause Statement filed in the case.

According to the court documents, the molestation began in 2003 and lasted for six years until 2008 when the victim was 18-years-old.

The documents also state, Bradburn went out of his way to stay in contact with the child. After the child moved away from the area, Bradburn maintained contact with the family, often picking up the child for visits, bringing him back to Queen City and continuing to molest him.

On Friday morning, August 11, 2017, Bradburn pled guilty to committing the ultimate betrayal in a plea deal made with the Schuyler County Prosecutor’s Office.

Bradburn has pleaded guilty to two of the 14 felony counts of committing sodomy in the first degree, deviant sexual intercourse with a person less than 14-years-old.

 

….

Last year, KTVO reported:

A northeast Missouri minister is charged with a sex crime against an underage boy.

Pastor George Bradburn, 68, of Queen City Christian Church is charged with one count of first-degree statutory sodomy.

Schuyler County Sheriff Joe Wuebker said his office arrested Bradburn at his Queen City home on Tuesday.

The arrest comes after a two-month investigation.

Wuebker originally received a tip from the Kirksville Police Department on April 12, 2016, after the incident was reported to that department.

After speaking with the alleged victim, Wuebker determined, due to particular circumstances with this case, the investigation would be turned over to the Missouri State Technical Assistance Team (STAT).

Brian Bailey with the STAT conducted an interview with the victim on May 3, 2016, regarding the sexual abuse allegation. The victim stated when he was a juvenile, he and his family came to know Bradburn as the pastor of a local church.

The victim then stated at approximately age 9 he began spending time at the church assisting in various duties such as cleaning or helping out, when he and Bradburn became good friends.

The victim described when he was approximately age 12, Bradburn began touching his private parts, both over and under the clothing, with his hands.

The teen recalled this happening “several times per week” until the age of approximately 15, at which time the boy went to live in another part of Missouri.

The victim then stated Bradburn would come pick him up once per month and bring him back to Queen City for visits, at which time victim reported the encounters continued by Bradburn. This cycle continued until the victim turned 18.

The teen reported the incidents normally occurred in the pastor’s home. The victim also stated Bradburn told him not to tell anyone or both he and Bradburn would get in trouble.

On June 14, 2016, Bailey conducted an interview with Bradburn. During this interview, the sheriff’s office says the minister admitted to fondling the victim beginning when the boy was approximately 13 years old.

Investigators say Bradburn admitted to sexual acts with the victim approximately 50 times from the age of 13 until he was 18 years old.

….

Update

The Edina Sentinel reports:

The mood in the courtroom in the Knox County Courthouse was stoic as Second Circuit Presiding Judge Russell E. Steele sentenced former Pastor George C. Bradburn, 69, of Queen City, MO, to serve two ten-year terms to run consecutively in prison for molesting a Schuyler County child and parishioner of the Queen City Christian Church, where Bradburn was the Minister.

Bradburn wore a bullet proof vest over his orange jail issued jumpsuit during the sentencing hearing, which was moved to Knox County on a change of venue, and set before Judge Steele on a change of judge from Schuyler County.

Also, there was an increase in the number of law enforcement officers at the courthouse during the hearing. Three to four officers were posted inside the courtroom during court, including one posted directly inside and one posted directly outside the main entrance to the courtroom.

During the court proceeding, the mother of the victim was allowed to read a statement to the court and address Bradburn despite objection from Bradburn’s attorney, Jennifer Richardson.

….

The victim’s mother told the court what it was like for her family during the years then Pastor Bradburn was molesting her young son from an early age to adulthood, how the child exhibited exceedingly troubled behavior as his visits with Bradburn persisted and built up to two or three times per week. She was emotional when she told the court her child did not want to go with Bradburn, but she insisted. She thought Bradburn was trying to help her son.

Bradburn also addressed the court prior to being sentenced. He unfolded a piece of paper and read from it for some of his statement. Bradburn eyes left the paper and he looked into the gallery where the victim and his family were seated.

“There are not enough words to express how sorry I am,” said Bradburn. “Yes, it does haunt me and it forever will haunt me.”

Bradburn talked directly to the victim several times while addressing the court and, besides asking for forgiveness, Bradburn asked the victim to “remember the good times we shared” and to remember a talk they had had, when the victim was a child. At several points during Bradburn’s address he seemed to be preaching to the victim and the victim’s family.

The victim’s mother told Bradburn, during her statement, forgiveness would not be given by her family.

“George Bradburn, you are lower than a snake,” said the victim’s mother. “One family was in the church and left, they tried to get you in trouble for what you did to their child. The people in the church (were) convinced by you that it didn’t happen – including me. I had to go to this family and beg them to forgive me for not believing them and tell them it happened to (my son) too. I pray that you think of all the children you have harmed and all the issues you have caused them. George, I often wonder why you moved to Queen City, Missouri, where you didn’t know anyone. Why did you leave Cherryville, Kansas? What were you running from?”

Richardson pressured the Judge to allow Bradburn to serve probation for his crimes or to reduce the agreed upon sentences from ten years to five years on each charge he pleaded guilty to, two felony counts of statutory sodomy in the first degree, which were reduced from 14 counts in exchange for Bradburn’s guilty pleas.

“George did a lot of good in the community,” argued Richardson. “He counseled a lot of children.”

Richardson argued Bradburn was not a threat to the community, which was rebutted by Gravett.

“This is a case where a minister took advantage of his position and molested a child,” argued Gravett. “He told law enforcement he’s always had a fascination with young children, and it’s something he’s struggled with all his life.”

The prosecutor went on to explain Bradburn previously positioned himself to be involved in children’s activities including being an announcer at school basketball and football games.

Bradburn was asked if there were other victims as he was being brought out of the courthouse by Schuyler County Sheriff Joe Wuebker. He did not respond to the question.

….

Black Collar Crime: Steven Matlak Hosted Bible Studies for Children, Accused of Child Sex Crimes

steven matlak

Steven Matlak, a Fresno lawyer and active member of First Presbyterian Church in Fresno, California, stands accused of child sex abuse charges.

ABC-30 reports:

A Fresno civil attorney at a large law firm has been arrested on child sex abuse charges for the second time in the last two weeks. Steven Matlak, 40, is now facing multiple felony charges for the alleged crimes.

Sheriff’s deputies won’t say how many victims there are so far but did say the ones they’re aware of who’ve been preyed upon are all between five and 10 years old.

Matlak was not only a lawyer for a Fresno law firm but also an active member of the First Presbyterian Church and is now sitting in jail. Sheriff’s deputies say multiple children have come forward claiming Matlak inappropriately touched them.

“Unfortunately, we come across cases every day where it’s people you put the most trust into and they deceive you,” Tony Botti with the Fresno County Sheriff’s Office said. “And this is a prime example of that.”

Matlak was first arrested on sex abuse charges just two weeks ago after a five-year-old girl came forward saying Matlak touched her and took naked pictures of her. Then one day later, a nine-year-old victim came forward and claiming the same thing.

Matlak was arrested and bailed himself out. Deputies say while he was released, detectives continued investigating.

“They established more victims in the community interviewed them and their families and found out he had taken advantage of others,” Botti said.

And on Thursday, he was rearrested.

The senior pastor of the First Presbyterian Church says Matlak has been a member there since 2009. A flyer on the church’s website shows Matlak even held bible studies at his home for children where they could swim and learn about God.

The church says they’ve already begun ministering to the people who’ve been impacted saying in a statement in part, “Our hope is that the truth is made known and that we can all work together toward restoration and healing.”

….

The Fresno Bee reports:

Sheriff’s detectives say they first got a report on July 27 from a woman who said her 5-year-old daughter had told her Matlak photographed and touched the girl inappropriately while she was naked. Coincidentally, detectives developed information the following day that Matlak had done something similar with a 9-year-old girl, who is not related, said Tony Botti, Fresno County Sheriff’s spokesman.

Matlak was arrested and jailed on July 28 and bailed out the following week.

Following Matlak’s release from jail, detectives continued their investigation and learned he had apparently victimized other children. Detectives interviewed them, then re-arrested Matlak on Thursday on a new set of charges.

Detectives say Matlak knew all of his victims from prior interactions with them and their families. They served search warrants at Matlak’s workplace and home, seizing his electronic devices to look for evidence.

The case was triggered after the mother of the 5-year-old victim had a talk with her daughter about good touching and bad touching, Botti said. Following that conversation, the girl told her mother about her encounter with Matlak earlier this year and she called detectives.

….

Black Collar Crime: Pastor Christopher Stansell Accused of Embezzlement

christopher stansell

The Black Collar Crime Series relies on public news stories and publicly available information for its content. If any incorrect information is found, please contact Bruce Gerencser. Nothing in this post should be construed as an accusation of guilt. Those accused of crimes are innocent until proven guilty.

Christopher Stansell, pastor of First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Princeton, West Virginia, stands accused of embezzling more than $10,000 from the church.

The Bluefield Daily Telegraph reports:

A former pastor of First Christian Church in Princeton has been arrested on embezzlement charges.

Christopher L. Stansell, 48, was arrested July 27 for embezzling more than $10,000 in church funds, Sgt. M.S. Haynes, with the West Virginia State Police Princeton detachment, said.

Haynes said the incidents occurred over period of a year and a half while Stansell was employed as pastor of the church.

“During the investigation it was found that multiple checks written to and by the First Christian Church were embezzled and deposited into accounts held by Christopher Stansell,” Haynes said.

Stansell was arraigned and released on bond pending future hearings.

Update

WVVA reports that Stansell pleaded guilty and is awaiting sentencing.

Songs of Sacrilege: The Great Debate by Randy Newman

randy newman

This is the one hundred and forty-eighth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is The Great Debate by Randy Newman.

Video Link

Lyrics

[Mediator:]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to this great arena! Durham, North Carolina, the heart of the Research Triangle! We’ve come to this particular place tonight, ’cause we gotta look at things from every angle. We need some answers to some complicated questions if we’re going to get it right.

To that end, we have here gathered some of the most expensive scientists in the world—eminent scientists, that is. We got biologists, biometricians, got a quantum mechanic and astrophysicians. Got a cosmologist and a cosmetician, got an astronaut, we got Astro Boy! We got he-doctors, she-doctors, knee doctors, tree doctors! We a got a lumberjack and a life coach!

On the other side, we have the true believers. We got the Baptists, the Methodists, Presbyterians. The Episcopalians are here, pass the hat! We got the Shakers, the Quakers, the anti-innoculators, the Big Boss Line from Madison Town! The Six Blind Boys, Five Tons of Joy, give ’em room, get out of the way! We got a Bible Belter from the Mississippi Delta. Have them all arranged.

Scientists, are you ready? First question: dark matter. Oh, dark matter. Give me someone knows somethin’ about space.

[The Scientists send a representative.]

Nice space music, Georgie. All right, what is it? Where is it? Can we get some? Stand up, sir, would you? You are standing, forgive me. Dark matter, go ahead.

[Georgie:]
Dark matter is out in space.
It’s seventy-five percent of everything…

[Mediator:]
Just a moment, sir. Do yourself a favor, use our music. People like it, and your music’s making people sick! All right. It’s a free country, go ahead. Dark matter, what is it?

[Georgie:]
We don’t know what it is, but we think it’s everywhere.

[Mediator:]
I’d like to take a look at it. Can we get some down here?

[Georgie:]
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Of course not!

[Mediator:]
Let me get this straight: you don’t know what it is, you don’t know where it is, and we can’t get any? Put that to the one side. Let’s put the Lord, faith, eternity and whatever on the other side! Show of hands?

[True Believers:]
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!

[Mediator:]
All right, one-nothing! Next one’s gonna be a hard one. It’s about the theory of evolution, and it’s about animals, also. So, give me someone knows somethin’ about evolution, and animals. Who you got?

[Both sides send a representative.]

[True Believer:]
Wow, you’re a beautiful woman, aren’t you? Doesn’t matter, of course, but if this science thing doesn’t work out for you— oh, don’t boo me, don’t boo me! I’m just kiddin’ you, you know that. Here’s my question: explain me the giraffe. Go ahead.

[Scientist:]
Elaborate?

[True Believer:]
With pleasure, miss. The giraffe, to survive, must eat leaves high up on the Yabba Yabba tree. That’s true, isn’t it?

[Scientist:]
Of course it is. Everyone knows that!

[True Believer:]
But Mr. Darwin’s giraffe, the halfway-giraffe, with a halfway-giraffe neck, could never have reached the highest branches of the Yabba Yabba. Therefore, he could not have survived. It’s only common sense. Unfortunately for you, Mr. Charles Darwin didn’t have any common sense! Evolution is a theory, and we have just now, tonight, disproved it. Show of hands?

[True Believers:]
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
I’ll take Jesus every time!

[Applause from the gathered crowd.]

[Mediator:]
All right, two-nothing! Next question: global warming. Is it, and if so, so what— One of the true believers seeks to be recognized. Hand him a mic, Charles. Thank you.

[The True Believer taps the microphone.]

[True Believer:]
Sir, do you know what you are? You’re an idiot. You’re a strawman, a fabrication! You see, the author of this little vignette, Mr. Newman, self-described atheist and communist, creates characters, like you, as objects of ridicule! He doesn’t believe anything he has you say, nor does he want us to believe anything you say. Makes it easy for him to knock you down, hence, a strawman. I, myself, believe in Jesus. I believe in evolution, also. I believe in global warming, and in life everlasting. No one can knock me down.

[Mediator:]
Oh, we can knock you down, Mister! We can knock your communist friend down, too! Communist… You call me an idiot! We’ve been knocking people like Mr. Newman down for years and years! Like this: page 35, Georgie! Mrs. Dorothy, page 35…

[All:]
I know someone is watching me
Everywhere I go
Someone sees everything I see
Knows everything I know
When I’m in trouble, don’t have a friend
There’s still somebody on whom I can depend
Someone who’ll be there ’till the very end
Someone is watching me!

Someone is watching me!
Someone is watching me!
For so long, I was too blind to see
Someone is watching
Someone is watching
Someone is watching me!

[Mediator:]
Take a little break, ladies and gentlemen. Fifteen, maybe twenty-five minutes, depending on how the merchandise is moving. We’ll be right back!

[Applause.]

Black Collar Crime: Catholic Priest Marcin Nurek Cops a Feel and Tells Teen Girl, ‘You’re Sexy’

marcin nurek

Marcin Nurek, a newly-minted priest that was to scheduled to become the parochial vicar at St. Catherine of Siena Church in Mountain Lakes, New Jersey, was charged with “endangering the welfare of a child – whose age was listed as being at least 13 but younger than 16 – and criminal sexual contact.”

The Daily Record reports:

A newly-ordained priest has been charged with putting his hand under a teenager’s skirt in Boonton, touching her buttocks and telling her “You’re sexy,” according to court records.

The Rev. Marcin A. Nurek, 37, was ordained a priest on July 1 and was supposed to start a post as parochial vicar this month at St. Catherine of Siena Church in Mountain Lakes. That assignment will not take place and Nurek has been placed on administrative leave and cannot function as a priest, said Richard Sokerka, director of communications for the Diocese of Paterson.

The alleged incident occurred in the town of Boonton last Thursday, when Nurek put his hand under the girl’s skirt and touched her buttocks over her underwear.  Court records did not state where the incident allegedly occurred but said the teen was upset but not injured.

Nurek was charged with endangering the welfare of a child – whose age was listed as being at least 13 but younger than 16 – and criminal sexual contact. Via a closed-circuit television link between the Morris County jail and Superior Court, Nurek appeared on Friday for an initial review before Judge Ira Cohen.

Morris County Assistant Prosecutor Meg Rodriguez said the state has filed a motion to detain Nurek in the county jail until the charges are resolved. A detention hearing has been scheduled for Wednesday.

Nurek, an immigrant of Poland, was assisted during the hearing by a Polish interpreter. Nurek’s status as a priest was not mentioned at the hearing but other court records and documents confirmed his ordination.

According to The Beacon, the weekly newspaper of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Paterson, Nurek was ordained in 2016 as a transitional deacon, the final step before the call to the Sacrament of Holy Orders – the priesthood – in 2017. On July 1, Diocese of Paterson Bishop Arthur Serratelli ordained Nurek to the priesthood along with others.

The Diocese issued a statement, saying it is saddened by the incident and is cooperating fully with the Prosecutor’s Office. It also said that Nurek had completed all training related to proper conduct with children.

“The Diocese of Paterson was informed of the arrest of Rev. Marcin Nurek at approximately 8:45 p.m. on Thursday, August 3, 2017, at which time the Morris County Prosecutor’s Office was immediately notified. Since then, the Diocese has cooperated fully with the Prosecutor’s Office in its investigation,” the statement said.

“In addition, Rev. Nurek was immediately placed on administrative leave, his faculties were revoked and his assignment as parochial vicar at St. Catherine of Siena Church, Mountain Lakes, was concluded,” the statement said. (Revocation of faculties means that Nurek cannot function as a priest).

“Rev. Nurek arrived in the United States from Poland in March of 2015. He was just recently ordained to the priesthood on July 1, 2017. He was scheduled to begin his assignment at St. Catherine of Siena in August 2017. His international criminal history background check was completed on Oct. 17, 2014 and was clear. He completed the Diocese’s Protecting God’s Children educational program on April 9, 2015 and he signed the Diocesan Code of Pastoral Conduct on March 9, 2015,” the statement said.

….

Songs of Sacrilege: Spooky Mormon Hell Dream from The Book of Mormon

book of mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-seventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Mormon Spooky Hell Dream from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

[ELDER PRICE]
Long ago, when I was five
I snuck in the kitchen late at night
And ate a donut with a maple glaze

My father asked who ate the snack
I said that it was my brother Jack
And Jack got grounded for fourteen days

I’ve lived with that guilt
All of my life
And the terrible vision
That I had that night

(spoken)
No! Please, I don’t wanna go back!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down thy soul is cast
From the Earth whenceforth ye fell
The path of fire leads thee to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

Welcome back to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
You are having
A Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now

[ELDER PRICE]
And now I’ve gone and done it again!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Rectus!

[ELDER PRICE]
I’ve committed another awful sin!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Dominus!

[ELDER PRICE]
I left my mission companion
All alone

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spookytus!

[ELDER PRICE]
Oh God, how could I have done this to you?

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Deus!

[ELDER PRICE]
How could I break rule seventy-two?

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Creepyus!

[ELDER PRICE]
And now my soul hath just been thrown
Back into Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down to Satan’s realm!
See where you belong!
There is nothing you can do!
No escape from
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

[JESUS, spoken]
You blamed your brother for eating the donut, and now you walk out on your mission companion? You’re a DICK!

[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Jesus, I’m sorry!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Jesus hates you, this we know!
For Jesus just told you so!

[SKELETON 1]
You remember Lucifer!

SKELETON 2]
He is even spookier!

[SATAN]
Minions of Hades
Have you heard the news?
Kevin was caught playing hooky!
Now he’s back
With all you Cath’lics and Jews
It’s super spooky-wooky!

[ELDER PRICE]
I’m sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me
To break the rules, please I
Don’t wanna be in this
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
Genghis Khan
Jeffrey Dahmer
Hitler
Johnnie Cochran!
The spirits all surround you
Spooky spooky spooky!

[ADOLPH HITLER]
I started a war, and killed millions of Jews!

[GENGHIS KHAN]
I slaughtered the Chinese!

[JEFFREY DAHMER]
I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!

[JOHNNIE COCHRAN]
I got O.J. freed!

[ELDER PRICE]
You think that’s bad?
I broke rule seventy-two!

[HITLER, KHAN, DAHMER, COCHRAN:]
Oh?

[ELDER PRICE]
I left my companion!
I’m way worse than you!
I hate this Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[GENGHIS KHAN]
Ah…..

[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Please, Heavenly Father! Give me one more chance! I won’t break the rules again!

(sung)
I can’t believe Jesus called me a dick!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Welcome, welcome
To Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
You are never waking up
From Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Oh, please help me Father! Please let me wake up!
Give me one more chance! I won’t let you down again!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down thy soul is cast
From the Earth henceforth ye fell
This must be it, you must be there
You must be in
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now

Songs of Sacrilege: Baptize Me from The Book of Mormon

book of mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-sixth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Baptize Me from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

ELDER MCKINLEY:

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Well, then, would you like to baptize me?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Pbbbt, sure, yea, that’d be great

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, let’s do it

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
What you mean…now?

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Why not?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, to be honest, I’ve never done it before

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
That’s okay, neither have I

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Yes, that’s true

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Do you know…how to baptize someone into the church?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Sure, that’s something that we study over and over again at Mission Control Center

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Then please, Elder Cunningham, I want to be baptized. I swear to dedicate my life to the church

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Huh, okay, I just need a second to get ready

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, I will get ready, too

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m about to do it for the first time
And I’m gonna do it with a girl!
A special girl
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Makes my eyes kind of blur
I can’t believe I’m about
To baptize her

[NABULUNGI]
He will baptize me
He will hold me in his arms
And he will baptize me
Right in front of everyone
And it will set me free
When he looks into my eyes
And he sees just how much
I love being baptized

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize her

[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
Bathe her in God’s glory!
And I will baptize her

[NABULUNGI]
I’m ready

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
With everything I got
And I’ll make her beg for more

[NABULUNGI]
Oooh

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
As I wash her free of sin
And it’ll be so good
She’ll want me to

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM and NABULUNGI]
Baptize her/me again

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Excuse me, I’m gonna need another minute!

[NABULUNGI]
Never known a boy so gentle
One like him is hard to find
A special kind
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Like a moth in a cocoon
I hope he gets to baptizing me soon!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize you
I’m through with all my stalling

[NABULUNGI]
You’re gonna baptize me
I’m ready to let you do it

[BOTH]
And it will set us free
It’s time to be immersed
And I’m so happy you’re
About to be my first

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Okay, you ready?

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
I am ready. So… how do we do it?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, I hold you like this –

[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
And I lower you down –

[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM:]
And then I –

(Splash)

I just baptized her!
She got doused by Heavenly Father!
I just baptized her good!

[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I performed like a champ!

[NABULUNGI]
I’m wet with salvation!

[BOTH]
We just went all the way!
Praise be to God
I’ll never forget this day

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I baptized you!

[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I gotcha good!

[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
You want it more, baby?

[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!

(spoken)
I’ll text you later

Songs of Sacrilege: Turn it Off from The Book of Mormon

book of mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-fifth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Turn it Off from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

ELDER MCKINLEY:
I got a feeling,
That you could be feeling,
A whole lot better then you feel today
You say you got a problem,
well thats no problem,
It’s super easy not to feel that way!

When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head,
Don’t feel those feelings!
Hold them in instead

Turn it off, like a light switch
just go click!
It’s a cool little Mormon trick!
We do it all the time
When your feeling certain feels that just don’t feel right
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
and turn em off,
Like a light switch just go bap!
Really whats so hard about that?
Turn it off! (Turn it off!)

When I was young my dad,
Would treat my mom real bad,
every time the Utah Jazz would loose.
He’d start a’ drinking,
and I’d start a thinking,
How am I gonna keep my mom from getting abused?

I’d see her all scared and my soul was dying,
My dad would say to me, Now don’t you dare start crying.

Turn it off, (Like a light switch just go click!)
(It\’s our nifty little Mormon trick!)
Turn it off! (Turn. It. Off!)

My Sister was a dancer, but she got cancer,
My doctor said she still had two months more
I thought she had time, so I got in line
for the new I-phone at the apple store.

She lay there dying with my father and mother
Her very last words were “where is my brother?”

(Turn it off!) Yeah! (Bid those sad feelings a adieu!)
The fear I might get cancer too,

When I was in fifth grade, I had a friend Steve Blade,
He and I were close as two friend could be
One thing led to another, and soon I would discover,
I was having really strange feelings for Steve

I thought about us, on a deserted Island
We’d swim naked in the sea, and then he’d try and…

WOAH! Turn if off, like a light switch,
there its gone! (Good for you!)
My hetero side just won!
I’m all better now,
Boys should be with girls thats heavenly fathers plan
So if you ever feel you rather be with a man,
Turn it off.

ELDER PRICE:
Well Elder McKinley, I think its ok that your having gay thoughts,
just so long as you never act on them.

ELDER MCKINLEY:
No, because then your just keeping it down,
Like a dimmer switch on low, (On low!)
Thinking nobody needs to know! (Uh oh!)

ELDER PRICE:
But that’s not true!

ELDER MCKINLEY:
Being gay is bad, but lying is worse,
So just realize you have a curable curse,
And turn it off! (Turn it off, turn it off!)

(Dance)

Turn it off!

Now how do you feel!

ELDER PRICE:
The same

ELDER MCKINLEY:
Then you only got yourself to blame,
You didn’t pretend hard enough,
Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes,
and find the box thats gay and CRUSH IT!
Ok?

ELDER PRICE:
No, no, -I’m- not having gay thoughts

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Alright! It worked!

(Yay!)

(Turn it off!)

(Turn it off, Turn it off!)

(Turn it off, turn it off like a light switch just go click click!
What a cool little Mormon Trick! Trick trick!
We do it all the time!)

ELDER MCKINLEY:
When your feeling certain feelings that just dont seem right!
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light!
Turn it off! (Like a light switch, shut it off!)
(Now he isn’t gay anymore!)

(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it…!)
(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it…!)
(Turn it…)

ELDER MCKINLEY: Turn it off!

Songs of Sacrilege: I Believe from The Book of Mormon

book of mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-fourth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is I Believe from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

Ever since I was a child, I tried to be the best
So what happened?
My family and friends all said I was blessed
So what happened?

It was supposed to be all so exciting
To be teaching of Christ ‘cross the sea
But I allowed my faith to be shaken
Oh, what’s the matter with me?

I’ve always longed to help the needy
To do the things I never dared
This was the time for me to step up
So then why was I so scared?

A warlord who shoots people in the face
What’s so scary about that?
I must trust that my Lord is mightier
And always has my back
Now I must be completely devout
I can’t have even one shred of doubt

I believe that the Lord God created the universe
I believe that he sent his only son to die for my sins
And I believe that ancient Jews built boats
And sailed to America
I am a Mormon and a Mormon just believes

You cannot just believe part-way
You have to believe in it all
My problem was doubting the Lord’s will
Instead of standing tall

I can’t allow myself to have any doubt
It’s time to set my worries free
Time to show the world what Elder Price is about
And share the power inside of me

I believe that God has a plan for all of us
I believe that plan involves me getting my own planet
And I believe that the current President of the Church
Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God
I am a Mormon
And, dang it, a Mormon just believes
(A Mormon just believes)

I know that I must go and do the things my God commands
(Things my God commands)
I realize now why he sent me here
If you ask the Lord in faith, he will always answer you
Just believe in him and have no fear
(General, we have an intruder, He just walked right into camp)

I believe that Satan has a hold of you
I believe that the Lord God has sent me here
And I believe that in 1978
God changed his mind about black people

(Black people)
You can be a Mormon
A Mormon who just believes
(The fuck is this?)

And now I can feel the excitement
This is the moment I was born to do
And I feel so incredible to be sharing my faith with you
The scriptures say that if you ask in faith

If you ask God himself, you’ll know
But you must ask him without any doubt
And let your spirit grow
(Let your spirit grow)

I believe that God lives on a planet called Kolob
I believe that Jesus has his own planet as well
And I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was in Jackson County, Missouri

If you believe, the Lord will reveal it
And you’ll know it’s all true, you’ll just feel it
You’ll be a Mormon
And, by gosh, a Mormon just believes
(A Mormon just believes)

(Just believe, a Mormon just believes)
Oh, I believe
(Just believe, a Mormon just)
I believe
(Believes)

Songs of Sacrilege: Where to Now St. Peter? by Elton John

elton john

This is the one hundred and forty-third installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Where to Now St. Peter? by Elton John.

Video Link

Lyrics

I took myself a blue canoe
And I floated like a leaf
Dazzling, dancing
Half enchanted
In my Merlin sleep

Crazy was the feeling
Restless were my eyes
Insane they took the paddles
My arms they paralyzed

So where to now St. Peter
If it’s true I’m in your hands
I may not be a Christian
But I’ve done all one man can
I understand I’m on the road
Where all that was is gone
So where to now St. Peter
Show me which road I’m on
Which road I’m on

It took a sweet young foreign gun
This lazy life is short
Something for nothing always ending
With a bad report

Dirty was the daybreak
Sudden was the change
In such a silent place as this
Beyond the rifle range

I took myself a blue canoe