Smart is a person who does not read social media comments. Alas, I am not too smart, it seems. I have given numerous interviews over the past two years. You can watch one or more of them here. Lots of people comment on these videos. Many of the comments are complimentary. Others are personal attacks. On occasion, viewers will complain about me hesitating too often or saying “You know.” They suggest I am either a terrible speaker or that my interviews are unwatchable.
Do I pause too often or say “you know” too much? Yep, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I am sixty-seven years old. I have osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, degenerative spine diseases, gastroparesis, and exocrine pancreatic insufficiency — all incurable and debilitating. Last Friday, I had yet another MRI, this time on my lower back. Currently, I am in so much pain in my neck and spine that I am unable to walk longer than short distances (“short” meaning walking from the living room to the bathroom). I suspect that my latest MRI will show more disc and spine damage. I live every day with excruciating pain, so much so that there are days I want to kill myself. I don’t have pain-free days; only bad days, less bad days, and fucking I-want-to-stab-myself-in-the-head-with-an-ice-pick days. Before judging and condemning me, I wish people would walk in my shoes or at the very least consider what a challenge it is to live with pain from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. I am not whining or complaining. I have accepted that this is the way it is for me; that this is my new normal. I went to granddaughter number two’s graduation on Sunday. Two days before, I had my MRI in Auburn, Indiana, and then we drove to Attica Raceway Park to watch 410 sprints, 305 sprints, and late models dirt track race. I knew that doing these things would extract a heavy price from me. At the graduation, someone said she was surprised I was there. Polly laughed and said, “He wouldn’t miss this for the world.” And I wouldn’t, even if I had to crawl up the steps to the stands. If that were the last thing I did in life, so be it.
Chronic, unrelenting pain has affected every aspect of my life. And I mean EVERY. Thus, when it comes to giving interviews, I don’t, all of a sudden, become pain-free. Typically, when I sit for an interview, I take extra narcotic pain meds and muscle relaxers. I don’t take cannabis because it negatively affects my thinking abilities. I only take cannabis after I am done writing for the day.
When I talk during an interview, pain affects my ability to speak. So, I often pause or say “you know” to manage my pain. I am well aware that my interviews would be better without this glitch, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Most viewers don’t have a problem with this. Those who do might be better served if they don’t listen to my interviews. I am doing all I can do to give thoughtful, engaging interviews. That hundreds of thousands of people have listened to them suggests that they resonate with people — speech impediments and all.
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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