This is the one hundred and fiftieth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Joel Osteen by Roy Zimmerman.
This is the one hundred and forty-ninth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Hallelu by The Devil Makes Three.
Lyrics
Nothing is wrong here so I’m climbing up the walls
Trying to kill this silence with gun blasts and alcohol
I’ve been laughing, I’ve been crying, I’ve been living, I’ve been dying
They say tell the truth, they’re lying, Hallelu
Chorus:
Hallelu, Hallelu, praise the lord and pass the ammunition too
They say Jesus is coming, he must be walking, he sure ain’t running
Who can blame him, look how we done him, Hallelu
What will it take to have this place on bended knee
You run to the forest, you can bet I’ll burn the trees
I will poison the water ’cause it’s only getting hotter
And we came for sons and daughters
Hallelu
Chorus
Trials and tribulations, that’s just bread and wine
Getting my hands dirty, that does not take off the shine
On this farm to get your filling, there’s got to be a little killing
So I am ready and I’m willing, Hallelu
Chorus
If you’re waiting on salvation you’ll need candles and libations
Train ain’t coming in the station, Hallelu
They say Jesus is coming, he must be walking, he sure ain’t running
Who can blame him, look how we done him, Hallelu
This is the one hundred and forty-eighth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is The Great Debate by Randy Newman.
Lyrics
[Mediator:]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to this great arena! Durham, North Carolina, the heart of the Research Triangle! We’ve come to this particular place tonight, ’cause we gotta look at things from every angle. We need some answers to some complicated questions if we’re going to get it right.
To that end, we have here gathered some of the most expensive scientists in the world—eminent scientists, that is. We got biologists, biometricians, got a quantum mechanic and astrophysicians. Got a cosmologist and a cosmetician, got an astronaut, we got Astro Boy! We got he-doctors, she-doctors, knee doctors, tree doctors! We a got a lumberjack and a life coach!
On the other side, we have the true believers. We got the Baptists, the Methodists, Presbyterians. The Episcopalians are here, pass the hat! We got the Shakers, the Quakers, the anti-innoculators, the Big Boss Line from Madison Town! The Six Blind Boys, Five Tons of Joy, give ’em room, get out of the way! We got a Bible Belter from the Mississippi Delta. Have them all arranged.
Scientists, are you ready? First question: dark matter. Oh, dark matter. Give me someone knows somethin’ about space.
[The Scientists send a representative.]
Nice space music, Georgie. All right, what is it? Where is it? Can we get some? Stand up, sir, would you? You are standing, forgive me. Dark matter, go ahead.
[Georgie:]
Dark matter is out in space.
It’s seventy-five percent of everything…
[Mediator:]
Just a moment, sir. Do yourself a favor, use our music. People like it, and your music’s making people sick! All right. It’s a free country, go ahead. Dark matter, what is it?
[Georgie:]
We don’t know what it is, but we think it’s everywhere.
[Mediator:]
I’d like to take a look at it. Can we get some down here?
[Georgie:]
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Of course not!
[Mediator:]
Let me get this straight: you don’t know what it is, you don’t know where it is, and we can’t get any? Put that to the one side. Let’s put the Lord, faith, eternity and whatever on the other side! Show of hands?
[True Believers:]
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
[Mediator:]
All right, one-nothing! Next one’s gonna be a hard one. It’s about the theory of evolution, and it’s about animals, also. So, give me someone knows somethin’ about evolution, and animals. Who you got?
[Both sides send a representative.]
[True Believer:]
Wow, you’re a beautiful woman, aren’t you? Doesn’t matter, of course, but if this science thing doesn’t work out for you— oh, don’t boo me, don’t boo me! I’m just kiddin’ you, you know that. Here’s my question: explain me the giraffe. Go ahead.
[Scientist:]
Elaborate?
[True Believer:]
With pleasure, miss. The giraffe, to survive, must eat leaves high up on the Yabba Yabba tree. That’s true, isn’t it?
[Scientist:]
Of course it is. Everyone knows that!
[True Believer:]
But Mr. Darwin’s giraffe, the halfway-giraffe, with a halfway-giraffe neck, could never have reached the highest branches of the Yabba Yabba. Therefore, he could not have survived. It’s only common sense. Unfortunately for you, Mr. Charles Darwin didn’t have any common sense! Evolution is a theory, and we have just now, tonight, disproved it. Show of hands?
[True Believers:]
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
I’ll take Jesus every time!
[Applause from the gathered crowd.]
[Mediator:]
All right, two-nothing! Next question: global warming. Is it, and if so, so what— One of the true believers seeks to be recognized. Hand him a mic, Charles. Thank you.
[The True Believer taps the microphone.]
[True Believer:]
Sir, do you know what you are? You’re an idiot. You’re a strawman, a fabrication! You see, the author of this little vignette, Mr. Newman, self-described atheist and communist, creates characters, like you, as objects of ridicule! He doesn’t believe anything he has you say, nor does he want us to believe anything you say. Makes it easy for him to knock you down, hence, a strawman. I, myself, believe in Jesus. I believe in evolution, also. I believe in global warming, and in life everlasting. No one can knock me down.
[Mediator:]
Oh, we can knock you down, Mister! We can knock your communist friend down, too! Communist… You call me an idiot! We’ve been knocking people like Mr. Newman down for years and years! Like this: page 35, Georgie! Mrs. Dorothy, page 35…
[All:]
I know someone is watching me
Everywhere I go
Someone sees everything I see
Knows everything I know
When I’m in trouble, don’t have a friend
There’s still somebody on whom I can depend
Someone who’ll be there ’till the very end
Someone is watching me!
Someone is watching me!
Someone is watching me!
For so long, I was too blind to see
Someone is watching
Someone is watching
Someone is watching me!
[Mediator:]
Take a little break, ladies and gentlemen. Fifteen, maybe twenty-five minutes, depending on how the merchandise is moving. We’ll be right back!
[Applause.]
This is the one hundred and forty-seventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Mormon Spooky Hell Dream from The Book of Mormon.
Lyrics
[ELDER PRICE]
Long ago, when I was five
I snuck in the kitchen late at night
And ate a donut with a maple glaze
My father asked who ate the snack
I said that it was my brother Jack
And Jack got grounded for fourteen days
I’ve lived with that guilt
All of my life
And the terrible vision
That I had that night
(spoken)
No! Please, I don’t wanna go back!
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down thy soul is cast
From the Earth whenceforth ye fell
The path of fire leads thee to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
Welcome back to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
You are having
A Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now
[ELDER PRICE]
And now I’ve gone and done it again!
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Rectus!
[ELDER PRICE]
I’ve committed another awful sin!
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Dominus!
[ELDER PRICE]
I left my mission companion
All alone
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spookytus!
[ELDER PRICE]
Oh God, how could I have done this to you?
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Deus!
[ELDER PRICE]
How could I break rule seventy-two?
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Creepyus!
[ELDER PRICE]
And now my soul hath just been thrown
Back into Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down to Satan’s realm!
See where you belong!
There is nothing you can do!
No escape from
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
[JESUS, spoken]
You blamed your brother for eating the donut, and now you walk out on your mission companion? You’re a DICK!
[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Jesus, I’m sorry!
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Jesus hates you, this we know!
For Jesus just told you so!
[SKELETON 1]
You remember Lucifer!
SKELETON 2]
He is even spookier!
[SATAN]
Minions of Hades
Have you heard the news?
Kevin was caught playing hooky!
Now he’s back
With all you Cath’lics and Jews
It’s super spooky-wooky!
[ELDER PRICE]
I’m sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me
To break the rules, please I
Don’t wanna be in this
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
Genghis Khan
Jeffrey Dahmer
Hitler
Johnnie Cochran!
The spirits all surround you
Spooky spooky spooky!
[ADOLPH HITLER]
I started a war, and killed millions of Jews!
[GENGHIS KHAN]
I slaughtered the Chinese!
[JEFFREY DAHMER]
I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!
[JOHNNIE COCHRAN]
I got O.J. freed!
[ELDER PRICE]
You think that’s bad?
I broke rule seventy-two!
[HITLER, KHAN, DAHMER, COCHRAN:]
Oh?
[ELDER PRICE]
I left my companion!
I’m way worse than you!
I hate this Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
[GENGHIS KHAN]
Ah…..
[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Please, Heavenly Father! Give me one more chance! I won’t break the rules again!
(sung)
I can’t believe Jesus called me a dick!
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Welcome, welcome
To Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
You are never waking up
From Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Oh, please help me Father! Please let me wake up!
Give me one more chance! I won’t let you down again!
[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down thy soul is cast
From the Earth henceforth ye fell
This must be it, you must be there
You must be in
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now
This is the one hundred and forty-sixth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Baptize Me from The Book of Mormon.
Lyrics
ELDER MCKINLEY:
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Well, then, would you like to baptize me?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Pbbbt, sure, yea, that’d be great
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, let’s do it
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
What you mean…now?
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Why not?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, to be honest, I’ve never done it before
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
That’s okay, neither have I
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Yes, that’s true
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Do you know…how to baptize someone into the church?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Sure, that’s something that we study over and over again at Mission Control Center
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Then please, Elder Cunningham, I want to be baptized. I swear to dedicate my life to the church
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Huh, okay, I just need a second to get ready
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, I will get ready, too
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m about to do it for the first time
And I’m gonna do it with a girl!
A special girl
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Makes my eyes kind of blur
I can’t believe I’m about
To baptize her
[NABULUNGI]
He will baptize me
He will hold me in his arms
And he will baptize me
Right in front of everyone
And it will set me free
When he looks into my eyes
And he sees just how much
I love being baptized
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize her
[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
Bathe her in God’s glory!
And I will baptize her
[NABULUNGI]
I’m ready
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
With everything I got
And I’ll make her beg for more
[NABULUNGI]
Oooh
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
As I wash her free of sin
And it’ll be so good
She’ll want me to
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM and NABULUNGI]
Baptize her/me again
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Excuse me, I’m gonna need another minute!
[NABULUNGI]
Never known a boy so gentle
One like him is hard to find
A special kind
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Like a moth in a cocoon
I hope he gets to baptizing me soon!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize you
I’m through with all my stalling
[NABULUNGI]
You’re gonna baptize me
I’m ready to let you do it
[BOTH]
And it will set us free
It’s time to be immersed
And I’m so happy you’re
About to be my first
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Okay, you ready?
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
I am ready. So… how do we do it?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, I hold you like this –
[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
And I lower you down –
[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM:]
And then I –
(Splash)
I just baptized her!
She got doused by Heavenly Father!
I just baptized her good!
[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I performed like a champ!
[NABULUNGI]
I’m wet with salvation!
[BOTH]
We just went all the way!
Praise be to God
I’ll never forget this day
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I baptized you!
[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I gotcha good!
[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
You want it more, baby?
[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!
(spoken)
I’ll text you later
This is the one hundred and forty-fifth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Turn it Off from The Book of Mormon.
Lyrics
ELDER MCKINLEY:
I got a feeling,
That you could be feeling,
A whole lot better then you feel today
You say you got a problem,
well thats no problem,
It’s super easy not to feel that way!
When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head,
Don’t feel those feelings!
Hold them in instead
Turn it off, like a light switch
just go click!
It’s a cool little Mormon trick!
We do it all the time
When your feeling certain feels that just don’t feel right
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
and turn em off,
Like a light switch just go bap!
Really whats so hard about that?
Turn it off! (Turn it off!)
When I was young my dad,
Would treat my mom real bad,
every time the Utah Jazz would loose.
He’d start a’ drinking,
and I’d start a thinking,
How am I gonna keep my mom from getting abused?
I’d see her all scared and my soul was dying,
My dad would say to me, Now don’t you dare start crying.
Turn it off, (Like a light switch just go click!)
(It\’s our nifty little Mormon trick!)
Turn it off! (Turn. It. Off!)
My Sister was a dancer, but she got cancer,
My doctor said she still had two months more
I thought she had time, so I got in line
for the new I-phone at the apple store.
She lay there dying with my father and mother
Her very last words were “where is my brother?”
(Turn it off!) Yeah! (Bid those sad feelings a adieu!)
The fear I might get cancer too,
When I was in fifth grade, I had a friend Steve Blade,
He and I were close as two friend could be
One thing led to another, and soon I would discover,
I was having really strange feelings for Steve
I thought about us, on a deserted Island
We’d swim naked in the sea, and then he’d try and…
WOAH! Turn if off, like a light switch,
there its gone! (Good for you!)
My hetero side just won!
I’m all better now,
Boys should be with girls thats heavenly fathers plan
So if you ever feel you rather be with a man,
Turn it off.
ELDER PRICE:
Well Elder McKinley, I think its ok that your having gay thoughts,
just so long as you never act on them.
ELDER MCKINLEY:
No, because then your just keeping it down,
Like a dimmer switch on low, (On low!)
Thinking nobody needs to know! (Uh oh!)
ELDER PRICE:
But that’s not true!
ELDER MCKINLEY:
Being gay is bad, but lying is worse,
So just realize you have a curable curse,
And turn it off! (Turn it off, turn it off!)
(Dance)
Turn it off!
Now how do you feel!
ELDER PRICE:
The same
ELDER MCKINLEY:
Then you only got yourself to blame,
You didn’t pretend hard enough,
Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes,
and find the box thats gay and CRUSH IT!
Ok?
ELDER PRICE:
No, no, -I’m- not having gay thoughts
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Alright! It worked!
(Yay!)
(Turn it off!)
(Turn it off, Turn it off!)
(Turn it off, turn it off like a light switch just go click click!
What a cool little Mormon Trick! Trick trick!
We do it all the time!)
ELDER MCKINLEY:
When your feeling certain feelings that just dont seem right!
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light!
Turn it off! (Like a light switch, shut it off!)
(Now he isn’t gay anymore!)
(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it…!)
(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it…!)
(Turn it…)
ELDER MCKINLEY: Turn it off!
This is the one hundred and forty-fourth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is I Believe from The Book of Mormon.
Lyrics
Ever since I was a child, I tried to be the best
So what happened?
My family and friends all said I was blessed
So what happened?
It was supposed to be all so exciting
To be teaching of Christ ‘cross the sea
But I allowed my faith to be shaken
Oh, what’s the matter with me?
I’ve always longed to help the needy
To do the things I never dared
This was the time for me to step up
So then why was I so scared?
A warlord who shoots people in the face
What’s so scary about that?
I must trust that my Lord is mightier
And always has my back
Now I must be completely devout
I can’t have even one shred of doubt
I believe that the Lord God created the universe
I believe that he sent his only son to die for my sins
And I believe that ancient Jews built boats
And sailed to America
I am a Mormon and a Mormon just believes
You cannot just believe part-way
You have to believe in it all
My problem was doubting the Lord’s will
Instead of standing tall
I can’t allow myself to have any doubt
It’s time to set my worries free
Time to show the world what Elder Price is about
And share the power inside of me
I believe that God has a plan for all of us
I believe that plan involves me getting my own planet
And I believe that the current President of the Church
Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God
I am a Mormon
And, dang it, a Mormon just believes
(A Mormon just believes)
I know that I must go and do the things my God commands
(Things my God commands)
I realize now why he sent me here
If you ask the Lord in faith, he will always answer you
Just believe in him and have no fear
(General, we have an intruder, He just walked right into camp)
I believe that Satan has a hold of you
I believe that the Lord God has sent me here
And I believe that in 1978
God changed his mind about black people
(Black people)
You can be a Mormon
A Mormon who just believes
(The fuck is this?)
And now I can feel the excitement
This is the moment I was born to do
And I feel so incredible to be sharing my faith with you
The scriptures say that if you ask in faith
If you ask God himself, you’ll know
But you must ask him without any doubt
And let your spirit grow
(Let your spirit grow)
I believe that God lives on a planet called Kolob
I believe that Jesus has his own planet as well
And I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was in Jackson County, Missouri
If you believe, the Lord will reveal it
And you’ll know it’s all true, you’ll just feel it
You’ll be a Mormon
And, by gosh, a Mormon just believes
(A Mormon just believes)
(Just believe, a Mormon just believes)
Oh, I believe
(Just believe, a Mormon just)
I believe
(Believes)
This is the one hundred and forty-third installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Where to Now St. Peter? by Elton John.
I took myself a blue canoe
And I floated like a leaf
Dazzling, dancing
Half enchanted
In my Merlin sleep
Crazy was the feeling
Restless were my eyes
Insane they took the paddles
My arms they paralyzed
So where to now St. Peter
If it’s true I’m in your hands
I may not be a Christian
But I’ve done all one man can
I understand I’m on the road
Where all that was is gone
So where to now St. Peter
Show me which road I’m on
Which road I’m on
It took a sweet young foreign gun
This lazy life is short
Something for nothing always ending
With a bad report
Dirty was the daybreak
Sudden was the change
In such a silent place as this
Beyond the rifle range
I took myself a blue canoe
This is the one hundred and forty-second installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Psalm 69 by Ministry.
Lyrics
Congregation, please be seated and open your prayer guides to the book
Of revelations, Psalm sixty nine
Drinking the blood of Jesus
Drinking it right from his veins
Learning to swim in the ocean
Learning to prowl in his name
The body of Christ looked unto me
A preacher with God-given hands
He wants you to suck on the Holy Ghost
And swallow the sins of man
Psalm sixty nine
The invisible piss of the Holy Ghost
Comes down like acid rain
They’re making a bonnet of terminal guilt
The scavengers go on parade
The fathers who write that eternity
Is used to fight the sword
Have filled you up with the devil’s cock
And he’ll come in the name of the lord
The way to succeed and the way to suck eggs
This is the one hundred and forty-first installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Are You Drinkin’ With Me Jesus? by Jello Biafra & Mojo Nixon.
Lyrics
I saw you sittin’ there
I was tryin’ not to stare
I wasn’t sure if it was you
I didn’t know just what to do
[Chorus:]
Are you drinkin’ with me Jesus
I can’t see you very clear
Are you drinkin’ with me Jesus
Would you buy a friend a beer
As I nestled on my barstool
I felt your warmness within
I looked down at my pants
That wasn’t warmness
I wet myself again
[Chorus]
Does your head pound, Jesus
As hung over you do rise
How does paradise look, Jesus
Through holy bloodshot eyes
Should we take a cab home Jesus
Man, we can hoof it from here
I know you can walk on the water
But can you walk on this much beer
Are you drinkin’ with me Jesus
I can’t see you very clear
